Husband always sides with daughter
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Husband always sides with daughter

This weekend following a bridal shower for my daughter that I had put many hours and love into, my daughter and I had an argument. I told her she was bossy. A few other words were exchanged, not too derrogatory on either side but my daughter said to me "You are meaner to me than anyone I know." This hurt me deeply. Later when we were in the car going home (this was an out or town shower) I said in front of both of them, "Sherry did you say to me that I was meaner to you than anyone you know." She said yes and my husband clearly heard her. His response was an expletive about how long the trip home was going to be. He did not reprimand her for speaking to me this way. I sat in the back of the car and cried my heart out while the two of them sat up front and laughed and talked on the way home. Today I told him that I was hurt that he had not told her it was wrong to speak to me that way and his response was "I do not get involved in your arguments." This feels like much more than not getting involved. It feels like he is supporting her disrespect of me. I am very hurt. Am I wrong to be offended by her and by his lack of support of my feelings. This is not the first time this type of thing has happened and I often feel that I am a fifth wheel in their relationship. She is both of our daughter, not a stepchild, just for the record.

Last edited by HannahK; 02-16-2010 at 08:22 PM. Reason: misspelling
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always sides with daughter

Warning: You won't like what I'm about to say.

You are expecting your husband to defend you to an adult (I assume she's an adult if she's getting married)? Why? This IS an issue between you and your daughter, and has nothing to do with your husband.

Food for thought: women almost ALWAYS turn out just like their mother. IF you think she is bossy, are you willing to consider the possibility that she learned it from you?

The way you describe the ride home...honestly? I think you're being a prima donna.

First, you deliberately said 'did you say to me...' in front of your husband. You were staging it so that you could play the victim and get him to defend you. YOU KNEW she said it. SHE KNEW she said it. What other reason could you have for saying it that way, except to say it out loud again in front of your husband, to make it look like your daughter was being 'bad' while you were being a 'victim'?

Second, the instant you said that your husband said something about the long trip tells me that he has lived with this exchange between you and your daughter probably most of your daughter's life. In other words, he KNOWS that you and your daughter go at each other's throats. Which means that YOU are just as guilty in this pattern as she is. And it means she is just like you. So, if she is bossy, then you probably are, too.

Third, you sat in the back and cried? Whatever for? Except to look like a poor mistreated victim; and if they didn't pay attention to you and gush all over you and apologize to you, you would be sure to continue to 'cry your heart out,' just waiting for them to notice and do what you want. And what do they do? They recognize the pattern - YOUR pattern - and decide to ignore it and be purposely happy and laughing, because they're tired of you trying to manipulate the situation so that everyone treats you like a poor mistreated victim.

Fourth, you started it, by telling her she was bossy. On the day of HER wedding shower! It's HER freakin' shower! Is it not her right to be bossy on HER day? Or was this day really about you? You DID be sure to mention all the hours and effort YOU put into it; one usually doesn't talk that way unless they're waiting for people to recognize their valiant sacrifices (and point it out in case someone misses it).

So...yeah, I think you're wrong. I think you started it, and then pitched a fit when people didn't circle around you and support you, like you're used to people doing.

You're the more mature adult, supposedly. I would suggest you take a step back and look at your relationships with your daughter and your husband, and be honest with yourself about who is really the instigator.
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Old 02-16-2010, 10:17 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Well I bet you win every mom of the year award given! Either that or you do not have children. You are right, I do not like what you wrote because you have indulged in reading chapters between the lines. I do not know where you got the idea that women most always turn out like their mothers. Children are a "product" of both parents as well as who their friends are, their eduction, environmental issues and more. If you knew my daughter, you would say she is much more like her father. As for wanting my husband to defend me, you can bet I wanted him to tell her it was disrespectul. My own father would never have stood for one of my brothers, grown or not, speaking to my dear mother that way. We were taught respect. And I respect my daughter as well. You claim (since you know so much about this) that I started the argument by calling her bossy. Totally untrue. I did not just lunge into "you're bossy" out of the clear blue but only after she stood up in the middle of breakfast which she had finished and I obviously had not and said "Let's go."

As for my crying, you are darned tootin, I did but not to get their attention. I was hurt. I was in the very back of a mini van supposedly reading. But I cried to myself and not to their knowledge.

Her shower was not AT ALL about me. This argument ensued the day after the shower and I can guarantee that both the shower invitations and the credit given at the shower were to my sister an my niece who were the hosts on paper because I feel it is not proper for a mother to host a shower. Since no one else was doing it, however, I pulled it together for my daughter. Not for one moment did I take any credit.

I bet you do not have many friends with your all knowing attitude. Perhaps YOU had better step back and take a look at yourself.
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Old 02-16-2010, 10:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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*shrug*

I'm not here asking for advice. And I didn't expect you to admit anything. Your choice to listen to what other people see in what you write.
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Old 02-16-2010, 10:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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fwiw, if I misread the unspoken subtext in your thread, I apologize. But I don't think I did. And I reiterate, it's not your husband's place to defend you to your daughter, who is a grown woman (I assume). Your issues with your daughter are obviously a long-standing issue, so if you want to improve things, look at that.
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Old 02-16-2010, 10:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Oh, and I know about crying. And how you can use it to get people to feel sorry for you. Even if you're not doing it out in public for all to see. I used to do that with MY husband. Until he realized I was only doing it to get him to feel sorry for me, and he quit babying me and stopped reacting. It sounds like your husband is doing the same thing.
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Old 02-16-2010, 10:37 PM   #7 (permalink)
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As i once said to my ex-husbands fiance - You choose to let a child hurt your feelings - your the adult and older. It doesn't matter what age your child is.

My dad would never step into a fight with me and my mom because he knows we are both big girls who can stand up for ourselves. I think you need to get a bit thicker skin because what she said was out of temper. Your husband just wants to be left out. He didn't give your daughter a high five and say way to go. If she went running to him and said "mom said I was bossy" would he lecture you that you shouldn't be saying that to your daughter?
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Old 02-17-2010, 01:18 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Well evidently the ways of raising childrren to be respectful of others has totally changed and no one bothered to tell me.
I also guarantee that if I heard my husband speak disrespectfully to my daughter, I could call him on it because sometimes it takes a reminder that we are human beings who must treat each other civilly.

Back to my other letter, you would have to be an unfeeling cold fish not to care how the relationship between parents and kids played out and a stone to just set there and let them beat each other up. Sometimes intervention is needed. A few carefully chosen words may be all that is needed,

On sitting in the back and crying, would it have been better if I had sat behind the steering wheel crying as my husband did before the trip got under way. The sweet consolation between daughter and dad then was quite sweet before they turned to laughter.

My husband and I have mortgaged our home, cashed in our 401k and taken on extra jobs to try to give our daughter the special wedding she dreams of. Our finances are becoming precarious, with no savings account, no emergency fund, nothing beyond day to day living. Every cent that comes in goes to the wedding. When I suggested a beautiful gown that cost $600 less, my husband said "She will get what she wants:' So we got the $2000 gown. We got the best musicians, the best photographer and caterer. No discussion of saving money was allowed. Now her daddy remains the prince who will never tell her anyhthing she says or does is wrong. She is a sweet and very loved young woman and is capable of making everyone see that her way is right even when it is not. I am on the other hand am viewed as a selfish prima donna who wants to call all the attention to herself and be babied. At least that is what turnera says. And I say to her that I hope you do not make a living writing this kind of drivel because you are so off bat, you would quikcly be out of a job. Before you start walking a mile in the other woman's high heels, be sure you know how they fit.
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Old 02-17-2010, 01:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Actually, yes he would be telling me that I said hurtful things to Sherry and that she told him about it and that I should apologize to her and find a way to make it up to her.
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Old 02-17-2010, 02:00 AM   #10 (permalink)
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She is your daughter, your husband's role is not to mediate your conflicts in any way, ever. I don't see why you'd expect him to pick sides either, from the two most important people in your lives. But if he does, be sure that he'll pick your daughter because he was used to protecting her since she was a few months old (and behavior doesn't change that easily) as opposed to you who he sees as an adult that can take care of herself.

If your daughter told you you're the meanest person to her, before you get all annoyed and start an argument, please analyze if you aren't in fact what she says you are. I hate it how most people think if they are parents they should automatically be respected. This is why despite my mother offering me whatever i wished financially, because i never formed an emotional bond with her (highly critical, always complaining, always scared) we've never been close at all. In fact told her a million times how much it bothers me to take so much criticism from her, and since she didn't stop i just maintained the distance. Funny thing is she's only like this with us, her daughters. So please, before being pissed on your husband, figure out why it is you're having arguements with your daughter in the first place.
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Old 02-17-2010, 08:32 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Sorry, but you sound like a spoiled woman who's used to getting attention and if you don't, you create a ruckus. People like you will never see yourself for what others see - you wouldn't be able to accept it. But you'll continue to go through life creating obstacles for other people to avoid doing so.

I'd venture a guess that your husband is sick and tired of living with a woman who continually gets into 'issues' with other people and then runs to him to defend her.

I don't say this to tear you down. You asked for opinions, and apparently you're getting the same one from everyone, and you don't like it. But if everyone in a room except one sees the same thing, it's a safe bet that that one other person might have something to learn from asking herself WHY they all see something she doesn't.

If I believed I had a cute laugh, but one day at a luncheon, all my friends told me the truth - that they cringe when I laugh, I'd sit back and figure out that THEY have the truth of it, and I need to consider what they are saying. I'm not so vain that I can't accept criticism.
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Old 02-17-2010, 09:29 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Let me start by saying that I'm sorry you and your daughter aren't getting along. I am a mother of 4 (two grown and not living at home), and I know how it can be painful if we are not getting along.

Now, here's where you're probably going to get mad at me too. You mentioned how parents are to teach their children respect, and you're mad at your husband for not taking your side. Aren't you her other parent? Should you not share the blame for your daughter not respecting you?

I also believe that parents should show a united front. It sounds from your story that you set up the whole thing to get your husband to scold your daughter. Why would you do that to him? Why would you put him in that situation? It really sounds like you have big jealousy issues where your daughter and husband are involved.

If my husband heard kids say something disrespectful to me, you bet my husband would say something to them! If I'd set up the little scenario that you did, my husband would probably look at me like I'd lost my mind. It's like tattling, which is also a no-no in my house.

It sounds to me like the underlying issue is the financial situation this wedding is putting you in. It also sounds to me like it is primarily your husband's doing. You're putting a lot of time, effort, and money into this wedding, and it sounds like you're feeling unappreciated. That is an issue between you and your husband, and it sounds like you are resenting your daughter for it.
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Old 02-17-2010, 10:49 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
It sounds from your story that you set up the whole thing to get your husband to scold your daughter. Why would you do that to him? Why would you put him in that situation? It really sounds like you have big jealousy issues where your daughter and husband are involved.
That's the point I was trying to make. You're all three adults. Deal with it as adults.
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Old 02-18-2010, 04:28 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I agree somewhat with scarletblue at least about the parents presenting a united front. The Bible teaches us that two married people are "one flesh". A parent and a child don't have that relationship and they shouldn't. After all one day the children will leave and the parents are again just the two.
To exalt the child over your spouse is to teach your child that the spouse is not important. Therefore Sherry's dad should have stood with his wife and re-enforced what should have been taught all along, and that is that you do not show disrespect for your parents. I believe that children should be respected as well but they learn by example and showing them a united front is one of the best things they can learn for their own future marriage. Children learn early if they can pit one parent against the other. If they can, it makes the child the leader of the home and not the parent. That is backwards from what the Bible says. It sounds like Hannak has been through these type situations before and was trying to make her husband and her daughter see the light, especially if the husband did not hear the daughter say how mean she was. She was apparently hurt by her daughter's words after she had worked hard to make a nice day for her. I believe that Sherry and her mother need to talk this out but ultimately Hannak deserves an apology and a show of solidarity from her husband. It sounds like the daughter is very spoiled and probably her father's darling .On the financial part, it seems that they are going over and beyond what they can afford and that they may suffer for that in the future. How old are these parents? Is their retirment at risk? I am going against what most everyone else is saying but I feel sorry for the mom. I have a stepdaughter who took advantage wherever she could with her father and this almost led to a divorce. So I can relate to the pain. Good luck Hannak with the wedding. I hope your daughter learns to appreciate you more.
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Old 02-18-2010, 08:50 AM   #15 (permalink)
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CK, this is not a child. It's a woman; at least one old enough to get married - she hasn't given her daughter's age. So I assume at least 18, and you have to start treating her like an adult at some point. It's time they get out of the mother/daugther dynamic and treat each other as adults. If her daughter were 30, would she still be whining to dad about daughter talking back to her? Gosh, I hope not!

Quote:
It sounds like Hannak has been through these type situations before and was trying to make her husband and her daughter see the light, especially if the husband did not hear the daughter say how mean she was.
It sounds to me, from how she writes, that she has set UP these types of situations before. And based on his reaction, it sounds like HE has been through these situations before and doesn't trust his wife to be the innocent victim.

If the daughter is spoiled, how do you think that happened? Of course it's possible that daddy always pampered daughter, but that's not what she wrote. You are seeing that because that's what happened in YOUR situation, so of course you feel sorry for the mom.

I'm trying to read between the lines and what I saw was a very melodramatic woman upset that they didn't take the bait. I may be wrong.

Is there history between dad and daughter? Obviously. Is there a stroy behind the OP? Sounds like it. Even when people give her plausible, logical arguments against what SHE sees, she doesn't even give it a moment's thought. She just continues to blame everyone but herself. That says a lot. I know she's hurting. But I've seen plenty of people spend their whole life being hurt because they want to be the center of attention, and everyone else doesn't agree.

If I'm totally misreading her post, I apologize. But it seems that the majority of the people here are seeing the same thing, and that tells me that I'm probably not. I'd like her to be happy, and I think she CAN achieve that if she'll take a step back and look at herself.
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