I Feel Like We Are Sabotaging Our Marriage

sunlimited00 · 04-21-2008, 04:14 PM

We have been married almost fourteen years with 2 children. We are in counseling right now trying to save our marriage. I have a lot of built up resentment because I feel my husband closed me off emotionally. I have alot of insecurity about our marriage because of this. There is no 3rd person involved here. He is loyal and a good man. Just difficult with his emotions. I asked him to move out on New Year's Eve and things made a complete 180 for the best! (He ended up not moving out, it was too tramatic for either one of us to handle. I really thought that's what I wanted, but it really wasn't.) He has opened up, our social life has improved dramatically, emotionally he is there for me, just great. A couple of weeks ago we started going out with friends and I started having "meltdowns." Something he would say, would throw me for a loop and make me feel insecure. And nothing he would say could calm me down and then we would have to go home. One time it was because he wasn't holding my hand and I felt like we weren't acting like we were there together. Second time, I misunderstood something he said. I thought he told his guy friend that he had slept with 2 women at once, when he actually said he had dated 2 women at once. Big difference!

Our marriage counsler felt that we probably needed to focus on going out by ourselves (as a couple) and not with a group or other couples. So to help me feel more secure. And then maybe a little later, try socializing with other friends.

Here is my dilema: My husband also has suffered from our stressed marriage (worked alot of hours, no time for himself, no friends or activites all these years, although I had always encouraged him.)

He now has friends and socializes and is soo happy! I love him this way. My problem is he only wants to socialize as a group. Not just me and him. I understand it makes him feel good and he's been longing for that for so long.

I went into a depression because of him emotionally creating a wall between us. We finally have reached a wonderful place emotionally together, but I really need some emotional reenforcement regarding my built up insecurity.

I already had a talk with my husband reiterating what the counseler said about us spending time alone right now.

More than anything he wants me to connect with his friends. He says he loves me, he feels this is the closest he's ever felt to me, he's so happy, and wants me to accept his friends.

How should I handle this? I am going to schedule individual counseling sessions for myself. I don't want to sabotage my marriage! We are on the road to repairing and happiness.

Amplexor · 04-21-2008, 05:06 PM

It sounds as if you have made great strides but need to continue to build your self esteem. Continued therapy will help but you need his help also. Tell him how much couple time means to you and assure him you want to share his friends also. Since you are just now entering the recovery zone give things time and don’t rush. Be sure both of you understand what is important to each other. If you need positive reinforcement about your looks, abilities or security in the marriage be sure you tell him that and gently tell him when his is not filling those needs. My best wishes to you both. Good luck.

sunlimited00 · 04-21-2008, 05:15 PM

Thanks Amplexor for your advice. I really needed to hear some encouraging words. It means alot. I will talk to my husband tonight and hope he understands.
-------------------------------------
Sunlimited00

draconis · 04-23-2008, 02:17 AM

Reassure him that those times are coming soon, that you want to get your feet wet with him first and let him know that for him it is easier because they are HIS friends and you have only him when you go out in a setting like that.

draconis

Green-Moo · 04-23-2008, 06:45 AM

The marriage can only work long term if you are BOTH happy. It's not a case of sabotage, it's ensuring that this turns out to be the case.

sweetp101 · 04-24-2008, 02:43 PM

Have you tried counseling alone? This may help with your self esteem. Do you have kids? Maybe you can do a date night at home alone.