Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?
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General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

View Poll Results: Can men and women have friends of the opposite sex?
Yes 4 25.00%
No 4 25.00%
Depends 9 56.25%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 16. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 09-01-2013, 10:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

First off, my husband and I have been married for 5 yrs and together for 7 yrs. My husband and I just got back together after being separated for the second time in our marriage.

I should give you a little bit of a background on us as a married couple. I have cheated and I am in no way proud about it. He did forgive me but he always uses it against me. I did wrong and I know it. I have no proof that he has cheated physically. I do however have proof that he was talking to women & men off of a website for sex. They even exchanged #'s and were meeting up according to the texts. He swears he never did and since I do not have proof I of course I forgave him even though it hurt bad because I had wrong him as well. This has happened often in the past. We are not a prefect couple but we love each other and some how we find our way back to each other.

We have been back together now for about a month now. My issue currently is that he keeps asking if we can try to have friends of the opposite sex. I kinda brush it off but now he is getting more and more upset with me about it. Recently he called us the stupidest couple because we can't have friends. I have a hard time trusting because of everything we have been threw. This is what I said to him, "You get upset about me going to my sister's house because you accuse me of sleeping with her boyfriend and you want us to try and have friends of the opposite sex? You can not even handle that, let alone letting me hanging out with a male friend." He now has giving me an ultimatum..... we can have friends of the opposite sex or end this and really get a divorce. His ultimatum makes me feel like he wants me to accept him using our time together to be with another women. FYI my husband's time is limited because he works 2 jobs. One in the am and one in the pm. I hardly see him and I do not want to share my time with other females. He never has a full day off. He only gets a morning or night off ever week but every day he works. I think he wants me to approve of it because she is a "friend" it gives him a reason to spend his time with her. I think maybe it is just an excuse so he can have his cake and eat it too.??? The more he pushes for it the more I think he just wants other women again. IDK anyone have any advise?
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Old 09-01-2013, 10:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

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Originally Posted by love/hate View Post
I do however have proof that he was talking to women & men off of a website for sex. They even exchanged #'s and were meeting up according to the texts.
So I take it he's bisexual?

In that case, assuming that you still want a relationship with him at all, then you don't really have any choice but to allow him to have opposite sex friends, because he has the potential to cheat whether his friends are men or women.

The only other alternative would be to cut him off from ALL friends whatsoever, but that's a sure recipe for disaster in any marriage.
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Old 09-01-2013, 10:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

I know he is bisexual. He does not like to admit it though. Why else would he message men about sexual thing?
Yes I know it seems odd but I love him and want us to work. I am trying my hardest. I do not want to be a wife who does not allow her husband to have any friends assuming he would even let me. I feel the only thing to do is prepare myself for the worst. I want us to work and if he did not want this to work out why ask me if we can try and work things out, right? I want to trust him but he is pushing so hard for this it puts doubts in me. I completely agree with what you have said and am taking it into consideration. I know for a fact that a woman is what he is more attracted to so it scares me more right now than him being around men.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

i am a bit disturbed over the wording of your question,

what do you mean by "let", he has to ask your permission?
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

For a healthy marriage, his opposite sex friends become YOUR friends and your opposite sex friends become HIS friends, you are both seen as "one".... and when you get together with them, you are a couple ...in their presence.. .this IS the healthy model.

Anything outside of this is asking for trouble if a known physical attraction is there...and given you and he's history, it's a train wreck.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

I think you got more to worry about than opposite sex friend if your H is bi. There is something he desire from a man that you most likely can't give him. He have already show the tendency to go looking for strange from both sides. When you with a bi person who cheat you not eliminating temptation by eliminate opposite sex friends. You might want to think long and hard if you can deal with this on a permanent basis.
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

I think your question is rather moot. You have no ability to prevent your husband from having friends or lovers. He wasn't able to prevent you from cheating. You've made your concerns known to him. He either respects them or he doesn't. That's about the extent of your authority on the matter. You can decide what conduct you are prepared to tolerate but you don't "make" or "let" your man do anything. I don't have any close friends of the opposite sex but if my wife presumed to forbid it, I'd run out and find some. I'm faithful to my wife because I choose to be.
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

Have you spoken of having an open marriage?

Seems your H has a life outside your marriage that he is unwilling to give up . don't you think you'd find yourself paranoid 24 /7 if you stay with him ?

if he claims nothing happened with any of these people then he shouldn't be averse to taking a polygraph . and then I would suggest a polygraph every 6 months.

why did you get back together ? whose idea was it ?
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:17 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

Good post, unbelievable. We do not own or control our spouses - we can only discuss and negotiate mutually agreeable appropriate boundaries for our own circumstances and beliefs.

We both have opposite sex friends, in real life and online. We have agreed on our boundaries for acceptable behavior and disclosure, and honor them (they may be wider than most people's, but they work for us).
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Old 09-03-2013, 06:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by youraverageguy View Post
i am a bit disturbed over the wording of your question,

what do you mean by "let", he has to ask your permission?
I never tell him to ask permission for anything. He is a grown man.
But he asked me and so thats why I put "let".
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Last edited by love/hate; 09-03-2013 at 07:01 PM.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

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For a healthy marriage, his opposite sex friends become YOUR friends and your opposite sex friends become HIS friends,
That system is useless if the wife or husband is bisexual, which is the case here.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:40 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

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Have you spoken of having an open marriage?

Seems your H has a life outside your marriage that he is unwilling to give up . don't you think you'd find yourself paranoid 24 /7 if you stay with him ?

if he claims nothing happened with any of these people then he shouldn't be averse to taking a polygraph . and then I would suggest a polygraph every 6 months.

why did you get back together ? whose idea was it ?
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I am getting paranoid and it bothers me. I know why I got back with him and that is because I love him and I wanted to make this marriage work. I know marriage is not perfect and we both have to work together to make it work. I am willing to compromise as long as he will as well. As for him getting back with me I am not sure. It was his idea to be back together. I am not a wife or person at that who is controlling. I just think it maybe too soon for this when we have other things to deal with first.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

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I think your question is rather moot. You have no ability to prevent your husband from having friends or lovers. He wasn't able to prevent you from cheating. You've made your concerns known to him. He either respects them or he doesn't. That's about the extent of your authority on the matter. You can decide what conduct you are prepared to tolerate but you don't "make" or "let" your man do anything. I don't have any close friends of the opposite sex but if my wife presumed to forbid it, I'd run out and find some. I'm faithful to my wife because I choose to be.
I completely agree with what you have written. He just seems to get bugged with me when I ask things such as who his friends are. He wont tell me. That is where a red flag comes up.
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

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Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
I think your question is rather moot. You have no ability to prevent your husband from having friends or lovers. He wasn't able to prevent you from cheating. You've made your concerns known to him. He either respects them or he doesn't. That's about the extent of your authority on the matter. You can decide what conduct you are prepared to tolerate but you don't "make" or "let" your man do anything. I don't have any close friends of the opposite sex but if my wife presumed to forbid it, I'd run out and find some. I'm faithful to my wife because I choose to be.
Excellent post!



It's not a matter of "letting." He is going to do whatever he chooses, just as you are.

Time to be honest with eachother.

Chains don't work.
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:03 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wondering if I should let my husband have opposite sex friends?

And your poll question -- not to sound like a smart a$$ but of course people CAN have friends of the opposite sex. Just like people CAN drive a car or they CAN eat ice cream.

Your question is more aligned to when does it cross boundaries, I think.
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