How do I find the strength to leave? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-22-2010, 08:47 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
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Unhappy How do I find the strength to leave?

Well again it has been a while since I have been here for support. I was fooled into thinking that things in our marriage were getting better and let myself go again and now am left feeling hurt and so confused all over again.
We have continue our counselling sessions and I have felt like things were getting better but the last few days have proved that to be all wrong.
Over the last few months he has found some new friends that he has been hanging out with. A couple of weeks ago a girl that was somehow connected to the group went along when he went out to hang out. Ever since then she has been contacting him non stop (she is 22 mind you!) and saying she just needs a friend, that she broke up with her boyfriend etc. She has tried to make contact with me to hang out and go for a drink because she claims "she has no one". Well I was nice to her, let her come out with me, let her stay the night on my couch because she lived so far away. The following night, she starts text messaging my husband some very attention seeking unnecessary messages, and I was furious. That was after one of her friends had told her she was acting inappropriate towards my husband and needs to stop so she messaged me to appologise for it. So the following day she decides to tell my husband that they can no longer be friends, which he told her he was happy about because he didnt need this drama in his life and he didnt need someone that was going to come between us. The whole weekend was very emotionally draining for me despite feeling like we had resolved something together.

Last night at our counselling session I was telling the counsellor about the situation and a very emotional way and he got so frustrated and angry that he actually stormed out of our session. He went straight back to his old ways of avoiding the conflict and feeling like I was blaming him and therefore got defensive. After that he proceeded not to respond to any of my messages or phone calls asking if he was coming home. Where is the respect? We have been talking for months in our counselling about how we deal with conflict and how we need to deal with it better, and then this happens all over again.

I am not in a healthy relationship, he is disrespecting me, he isnt trying to make this work and he is behaving like a 22 year old single guy not someone that is 28 and married because he chose to be. I dont think he knew what he was getting himself into when he proposed and now he is blaming be "unhappy" on this situation.

I know I need to get out of this, I know he isnt treating me right, but I cant seem to find the strength to leave!


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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-23-2010, 07:17 PM
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Re: How do I find the strength to leave?

Hi Sienna

just briefly...If hubby willingly opted out of a relationship with the young woman that should be reassuring. that he stormed out of the counseling session sounds like his familiar response to strongly-expressed feelings. And, based on what you've said in a series of posts, I assume he's feeling as raw and bruised as you are - but responds to his hurt differently.

I wonder if your reluctance to leave is based on a feeling that there's unfinished business between you? I wonder too if, when talking of wanting a demonstration of respect, you might be setting the bar a little high given that both of you are feeling very fragile?
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-23-2010, 07:36 PM
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Re: How do I find the strength to leave?

I agree with Steve. I dont think you should leave. He cut off contact with that girl, and did go to counseling with you.

Things have been going better for you, and then you hit this bump in the road. Right now it seems like you are in an "all or nothing" mentality. But for your own emotional well-being, there has to be some middle, gray area where he can flip out and you dont feel you have to leave. Boundaries are very helpful in creating a balance so your spouse can have bad days and it doesnt impact the marriage to its full extreme.

This is the website i used: Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

It helped me learn how and when to draw the line in the sand.

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-23-2010, 08:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How do I find the strength to leave?

You guys are great! Thank you so much for your words of support. Steve I know you are right - im sure he is feeling hurt and unsure about this whole situation, its just that he manages to hide it so much better than I do. I guess him going out and drinking and staying out until all hours isnt exactly him dealing with the situation. Its more of an escape than anything else...
And I do feel that there is unfinished business. I still love him, I still want the dream of the family and happy life together that I imagined we were going to have...and its so hard to face the reality of what is actually happening here.
Blanca you are also so right - its always been all or nothing with me. And thats the results of my negative emotions getting in the way of everything...As soon as we hit a bad point I think thats it its all over. But I guess since he was the one that raised his unhappiness so many months ago, I feel that I am in the vunerable position, and that it might not be a decision I will even be able to make.
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