My wife feels like she wants to be on her own
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »General Relationship Discussion » My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 02-22-2010, 10:27 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 26
Default My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

Well as i have stated in earlier post. my w and I have been having problems. she said that she loves me and she has a great life but something is missing. She went to stay away for a few night to try and get her head straight. tonight was her first night back and she has been very offish with me.

I finally got her to tell me what was really wrong. The problem she is dealing with is that even though she still loves me and don't want to hurt me she just has strong feeling about wanting to do it on her own. She said the feelings are so strong it's hard to let me back in to try and change. What can we do to try and get through this or is this strong feeling she has going to keep that from happening.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How can we work through this? Help me please i don't want to lose what i got.
Mrcatch22 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-22-2010, 11:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 8
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

I don't have any experience here, but if I was in your situation, I think I would ask her what being on her own might allow her to do that she cannot do while being in a marriage. That said, I would listen very closely to what her response is to this. I would be reluctant to defend myself or the marriage at that point against whatever it is she is feeling. In other words, try not to invalidate what she is telling you. If she is willing to be honest with you, it could open the door for some good discussion and allow the two of you to get to the root of the problem.
needhelphere is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2010, 05:48 AM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 26
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

We have worked through this problem before but i think it's stronger this time around. she has all the freedom in the world to do as she pleases and i guess it's still not good enough for her.
Mrcatch22 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2010, 06:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 8
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

Maybe she doesn't want to have to worry about considering how you will feel about what she does. You know, like she doesn't want to have to check in, etc. The thing is, we were created for companionship, so she will most likely feel miserable being alone too. I would give her whatever it is she wants without a fight and just wait. I really do think it will sink in eventually, what she's missing.
needhelphere is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2010, 07:12 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 207
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrcatch22 View Post
... she has all the freedom in the world to do as she pleases ...
There is one thing she does not have the freedom to do.

That is probably what she wants to do.

There is a fair chance that she is already doing it. If so, you need to find out. Anything that is said, done, worked out, fixed, or promised while an affair is ongoing means nothing. You cannot fix anything or even understand anything until the affair ends.

Good luck.
AlexNY is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2010, 08:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 26
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

Over the last month and half of going through our current problem My W and I have talked alot about our life together.I know there is know one else and I know she isn't having an affair. I think our biggest problem is communication. we are diffrent people i'm more of a dinner and a movie guy and she is more of a go out and meet new people. I think we don't do thinks together enough that we both enjoy that we start to feel like we are just doing it cause the other likes it and then we get that in our minds that she/he is only doing this cause i like it not cause she/he likes it.

my wife is a wonderful person,mother and friend. If things don't work out with us i wouldn't hate her she is the love of my life i can't hate her. she see's the good in people and she tries to help them but sometime i think she gets so involved in helping them that she looses track of us. I am to blame also because i have a hard time coping with not getting to spend much quality time with my W cause she is so involved. Right now we are dealing with her step brothers drug addiction she is trying to be there for him and spend time with him to try and prevent him from slipping up. this is almost a full time job. I have been making comments that i feel like im second best in her life right now and that he is the number one priority. She tells me that she can't help it that he can be good he just people around him to help him out. I will say that i need to be more understanding and try to be there to give him more support. I really do like him when he isn't messed up it's just hard for me to be there for him i've never had to deal with anyone that was battling an addiction. Maybe i am the reason why my W feels like she wan't to be on her own. When she isn't feeling like this she will be the first to tel you that she has a great life and she knows that she has a great husband,father, and friend. I don't Know if we are going to be able to work through it this time. She is feeling really strong about wanting to be on her own. We did talk last night and she said she will try and see if she can get these thoughts out of her head but dont' know. I want to help her either way just don't know what I can do as her H to help her through this
Mrcatch22 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2010, 08:09 AM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: the south
Posts: 12
Default

A newbie here. Been checking out the sight for awhile and finally decided to chime in on the subject.
My wife said the same thing to me out the blue about a month and a half ago. She walked in after a week long business trip...I was floored. She had already made plans tp move out; simply put she said that she wanted create her own life. I mean we have some problems, but nothing major (at least I think).
Anyway, I am kind of where you are right now. Trying to communicate as much as possible.My wife has since backed off a little....but we have had lengthy discussions on finances, our future, sex, etc.
So I guess my input would be to try to continue to keep communication open, especially if you want to keep her. Won't be easy, but the things we want the most never are. Keep your head up...hopefully things will get better.
Posted via Mobile Device
lumberjack31 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2010, 08:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 8
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

How old is your wife? Could it be midlife crisis? Any other noticeable changes? Has your intimacy dwindled? Could be just a phase, for which you have to be patient and sensitive in order to get through. Let me know what your thoughts are.
douglas is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2010, 09:41 AM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 2
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

What is with these women, what happen to for better or for worse. Since when is it ok to get an itch and run out on the other person. It seems like women do this type of thing a majority of the time and it is accepted. If a man did this he is a pos. I don't get it. You made a commitment, stick to it, just picking up and leaving because you need to be on your own should have been considered before building a life around another person. It reckless and ridiculous. These women pat each other on the back.
scottc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2010, 03:04 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 49
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

Quote:
Originally Posted by scottc View Post
These women pat each other on the back.
Uh, woman here!!! I would never pat another woman on the back for walking out on their marriage without an explanation, nor would I for not attempting to work on it. To be clear, my husband (who is a man) is the one who is having an issue.
can'tbelieveit is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2010, 03:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,491
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

I'm very cynical about these women who say they love you but want to be on their own. If I were you, I'd be wondering and checking to see if there is another man in her life.

Be suspicious.
michzz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2010, 04:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 8
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlexNY View Post
There is one thing she does not have the freedom to do.

That is probably what she wants to do.

There is a fair chance that she is already doing it.
Alex, my sentiments exactly. I was trying to help him think that through.
needhelphere is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-23-2010, 11:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 26
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

like i said she spends alot of time with her step brother. he has a great personality and very easy to talk to. sometimes i think maybe thats the kind of man she wants to be with. My W is 27. she goes over to her dads house where her step brother is staying and watches movies and plays video games but when i ask her to do that at home with me it's boring.....When i asked her to go out she is like to what a dinner and a movie. Like everything we use to enjoy doing is boring to her now...since we moved to texas in june i have noticed a big change in her i almost don't reconize the person she has become. since my dad came down in january. she seems to drop the kids off with him alot more to be able to run her step brother here or there....I'm not kidding on this matter i think he is the big problem. she is always running him to court,classes probation or "he needs someone to talk to. While i'm being put second best in her life and then when i try to talk to her about it i'm the jerk that don't let her do anything and gets mad when she does do it.. this is what she tells me. so i guess in away me missing my wife and wanting to be with her alittle more may have made her feel like she wants to be on her own. you asked about sex i couldn't tell you anything about that anymore. we use to 2-3 times a week but now since we have been going through this it's been only once in the last month in a half
Mrcatch22 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-24-2010, 02:11 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22,723
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

Quote:
Originally Posted by needhelphere View Post
Maybe she doesn't want to have to worry about considering how you will feel about what she does. You know, like she doesn't want to have to check in, etc. The thing is, we were created for companionship, so she will most likely feel miserable being alone too. I would give her whatever it is she wants without a fight and just wait. I really do think it will sink in eventually, what she's missing.
Ok, assuming she's not really having an affair (which this really sounds like)...and I still think you should look at their real relationship with some snooping.

The one thing I always asked my husband for was for him to take our daughter and go away for a weekend or a week, so I could be alone in the house. No expectations, no one wanting something from me, if I could go to the movies I didn't have to see what everyone else was doing first, or watch what THEY want, or fix what THEY want to eat, or worry whether husband is going to get mad tonight about something, or if I want to just sit and play computer games all night without him grousing about being ignored...you get the idea. I do daydream about being alone. So I kinda understand. So if that's what she's talking about, you may be able to find ways to give her that 'time off' without her leaving.

Now if it's financial she's talking about - tired of being dependent on you? - you can always find ways to work that out. It just requires communication. I wouldn't be so quick to just say 'ok, go' in that case, either.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-25-2010, 03:59 PM   #15 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 15
Default Re: My wife feels like she wants to be on her own

I'm 31, married, stay at home mom w/3 kids. And, I too have talked to my husband about potentially going out on my own for a while. You're question was how to try and keep her. I'll stay on track with that, but real quick note to some of the other posters: just because someone wants to spend time by themselves, does not make them a terrible person or an adulterous spouse. There are many other reasons a person feels this way.

I've done a lot of soul searching to figure out why I've wanted to leave...leave it all behind. Kids, house, security, etc... My husband IS a good man, and he IS trying. All that being said, I still sometimes want to leave. Why? I finally figured it out: I married too young. I never experienced life on my own. I went straight from my parent's care, to my husband's care. I firmly believe that if I had spent time alone to face the world, I would have had time to learn more about who I was, why I do the things I do, learn more about my passions, find hobbies, etc... But as life went: I always worked FT since I was 17. In college I worked 60 hr weeks on top of school. Then I dived right into marriage (with work), then 3 kids. I've never had TIME to see who I was. So, no other man in my sight: I wanted to know ME. And I feel like I can't do it with everything constantly buzzing around me. It's all chores, toilet scrubbing, snotty noses (bless thier little souls),....

How to keep her? How to get her to stay? You leave. Take the kids. Not in a bad way. I mean, let her have her home in peace & quiet without having to worry about everyone, listenting to the kids screaming for her, not having to be confined to 1 room in the house just to have thoughts to herself. I suggest you start taking the kids to McDonalds when you get home. Take them to train shows (or whatever) on weekends. Give your wife time alone in her own home. Also, suggest that she finds something she loves to do, and find a PT job doing it. Tell her you'll adjust your work schedule so she can have a life too.

Anyway, that's just what I wish my husband would do. Even as I type this, I've been interupted about 60 times by a 3 year old who won't let me think, and I have to start a carpool now. I never have time to do anything on my own. And that makes me want to be on my own. I don't want to give up my marraige or leave my kids...but I do need to be ME again. And it feels like the only way I can have ME, is if I leave everyone else. Don't make her leave you to be alone with herself. Take the kids to a movie every night or something. She'll fall in love with her home again.
HindSight is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife feels Raped Carguy Sex in Marriage 67 03-19-2012 10:17 AM
Help..wife feels sex isn't important LonelyHusband Sex in Marriage 33 09-06-2011 02:04 AM
Wife feels like everyone's b*tch JMak00 The Family & Parenting Forums 5 08-31-2011 08:00 AM
Wife sas she loves me but it feels different RP2804 Going Through Divorce or Separation 5 01-25-2010 08:30 PM
Wife says she feels nothing for me... MRA General Relationship Discussion 5 11-26-2009 11:51 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:07 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage