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post #1 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-24-2010, 09:07 AM Thread Starter
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Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

Hi everyone, I have not posted in a week or two because of some really good progress in my marriage. We finally broke the ice and had a great valentine day weekend. My parents watch our girls sat,sun and monday.
We had a great time to ourselves that sunday night, we talked and worked stuff out. We went to a bookstore and looked in the couples section but did not find something we liked, so I bought a reflexology book to use on my wife and she bought a book on family. She was surprised that i bought that book to use on her she kinda like the idea and i was happy she seemed to be into the family thing more then i thought she was, here i thought she gave up but i was wrong.
While we were out she saw this open heart necklace thing in a flyer. We took it home and while looking through it she saw this ring she really wants. Now i usually do not believe in buying something like that but she had a good point. When we had gotten married in 2001 the ring we had gotten did not come with the wedding band but she really wanted that ring. We were supposed to get the band but forgotten about it. So the ring was not that pricey which was great for me and she kept making comments like it is a real marriage ring not like what she has now.
So i said, will that make you happy? she said yes. She said that finally people will see she is married and since we want things to work and not end things she said this would be perfect for like a renewel.
Well, this past friday i had the day off and we were supposed to go and look at it but i had forgotten. Then this past saturday all of a sudden she had to go with her friends to see a movie and i said well what about that ring we talked about. She was like oh yeah um will go another day. I was like oh okay then.
So now she doesnt seem into it but i told her she deserved it cause of all the crap i put her through and this would be like a sign that we are done with the bad stuff and want to start a new beginning. well, now it seems that fell through.
I am seriously getting sick of facebook.... I feel it is become a wedge in my marriage. She looks forward to that darn thing more then anything and i am sick of it. I have told her this and make fun of it every chance i get. She just got a new blackberry which she does not need just an excuse to carry facebook everywhere she goes and i think it is pathetic.......
Last night i got ticked because around 10 she goes on the darn thing and goes on it till around midnight sometimes longer.
Well, last night she had gotten mad at me cause i was watching this movie and she complained about this smell coming from the carpet which her stupid friend had spilled this glass of liquor and they never cleaned it up so it reeks and i think this causes her headaches since she is home all day and sits right next to it but will not do anything to get rid of it... She asks me last night while watching this movie to get up and find the febreeze to spray the area. I said you need to wash and clean it not mask it, it will never go away. So i did this and she tells me that i am not doing it right and gets mad at me.
I leave her alone, well after the movie she tries to go on to facebook and guess what the net was down. She had not talked to me in over an hour but as soon as the net was down she then needs me. She tries talking to me all innocent like she was never mad at me. LOL. She says can you take a look at this and i said noooo cause now your just using me. She says whatever.... I said no it is the truth tuff crap.
Instead of saying well will spend time and talk or something, she just gets up and goes to bed. Well, 10 minutes later i fixed the problem and it was working but she had thought that i had did something to the net on purpose like i have before but i did not.
It was working when i left this morning so i know i will not hear from her all day but when i get home i am gonna sabotage it and see if she will talk to me then cause she did not say anything to me this morning. Though tonight i am not gonna fix it, i think i am just going to block facebook on my router settings and tell her she can use her blackberry to go on facebook lol.
Does anyone else feel like facebook is getting in the way of there relationship? I think it is crap instead of spending time with me she just gets up and goes to bed.... I am starting to think her freinds are more important then me.
Like this past weekend when she went to the movies. She constantly tells me we have no money cause she is unemployed now. I said i do not spend anything no more. But yet she goes and comes back and i find out she treated her two friends to the movie and lunch... WTF!!!!!!
What makes me more mad is i wanted to see this movie and she knew it too, i told her this when we saw it in the previews of the last movie we saw and i know her friends knew nothing of this movie until the previews were shown on tv. Now i wanted to see that wonderland movie with johnny depp right. well guess what i have been saying that since i heard of the movie. well, after they got back and she ran to facebook they were talking about seeing it when it comes out... I am sooo pissed..... I am gonna tell her what she use to tell me, your not leaving me here with the kids while you go out, I am gonna tell her to ask her parents to since they never do anything for us but my parents help with everything and i am sick of that crap.
I hope this will piss her off and see that i am getting fed up now!!! Thanks for hearing me vent...
but seriously anyone else could you let me know what you think of facebook and what it does to your relationship? thanks

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post #2 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-24-2010, 10:23 AM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

I believe that in way too many areas, facebook etc... has replaced human interaction. What has happened to face to face contact, or even phone calls? I have a friend who had surgery recently and I called to see how she was doing. She told me she posted an update on facebook about it. I guess she didn't feel like repeating the same stuff over and over to all of her friends....um...ok. But then a couple days later (I called her again) she is telling me how she has no live and never does anything anymore. Well duh! That's what happens when you spend all of your time on the computer or phone with that crap!

I have a facebook account. I don't have 500 "friends" just so I can have a cool mafia or farm. I have about 20 friends, some of which are old friends from school who live in another state, some are family. I do have a morning "ritual" where I drink coffee and dink around on the computer while I'm in wake-up mode.

I think the internet is cool. I've learned a lot of things just by googling stuff. This forum has helped me. Other than that, I want my life to be in the real world. It is hugely more rewarding than some cyber world could ever be. I really don't understand how so many people get sooooo sucked in and end up neglecting their real lives.
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post #3 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-24-2010, 10:33 AM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

I think you have every right to be upset. BUT, do you really think playing games with the internet connection is the way to go? Seems a bit childish.

If you want this to work, maybe you should go buy the ring and suprise her with it - that should get her attention - at least for now.
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post #4 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-24-2010, 10:53 AM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

Sadly, the very last big fight I had with my husband that prompted him to change all his passwords was when I asked him about his facebook and who are the people I see he is chatting with. He flared out and got so mad. He said I am a snoopy. The next day, he changed his passwords and withdrew part of his money from our joint account. We are trying to work on our problems. But progress is very slow. I know quite a number of relationships that started to became rocky because of facebook. I am not a big fan of it.
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post #5 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-24-2010, 01:57 PM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

Just cancel internet. If she wants it, she can get off the couch and get a job to pay for it.
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post #6 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-24-2010, 01:59 PM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

I'm feeling you with FB stuff, and it taking so much time away from our marriage. My wife will comment on her friend's accounts & stuff at 7:30am but I won't hear from her until I send the first email. One day waited until 10:30, she was FBing away. When she finally realized she as mad at me, to which I said well take time away from FB to email your hubby, its a two-way street.

She has a blackberry as well, just got it a few months ago and she has it all hooked up with FB mobile. Her phone used to sit in her purse now it is on her all the time. She will check it, walk into the laundry room, do something & then check it again less than 2 minutes later. Sheís constantly looking at her phone.

She will come home & jump on FB with a quick hello or kiss. Sometimes when she works late, she wonít come to bed until 1 or 2 hours after she gets home after having spent all that time on FB. I am an amateur musician & play bars on the weekends and it is not uncommon to get home at 4 or so in the morning after tearing down & driving. If Iím up 15 minutes after I get home she will either come down & ask if I am going to bed or text me.

At times Iíve tried to spend time with her only to have her jump up at some point & get on FB. If I go downstairs to practice I get the 3rd degree.

My advice, talk to her & tell her how much she really gets on there. Iíve started logging my wifeís FB activity just to show her how much time she spends on it between the PC, blackberry & email messages. My wife complained that music was taking up too much of my time, maybe it was but I did cut back. Now I am ready to confront her about how much her FB addiction detracts from our time as a couple and our household in general with house work not getting done during the day.
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post #7 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-24-2010, 03:21 PM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

Um. I will break the mold here and suggest that facebook isn't the problem: the relationship is. People turn to facebook to find something more than what they have. Being on there for 2 hrs is obsessive and sad. Using it as a quick social check is one thing, being on there for hours on a regular basis...well, I'd bet she's using it to avoid her life.

I think, more importantly, to suggest that re-acting to her fb usage will only make your marriage worse. Teasing her about it, getting rid of it, etc... will only make her more mad at you, more hurt by you, and less likely to trust her feelings with you. She's using it to sooth herself right now. I would suggest trying to find a more construction way to address the problem: help her find better things to do, with you. That way her real life is more engaging so she doesn't prefer the stagnant computer anymore. I'm thinking:

board games, family projects (like re-painting the bathroom), learn to make ice cream together, drive to somewhere you haven't' been before, etc... Maybe even make a little box of dreams where you both list your dreams for life and start brainstorming how you both can make those dreams come true. It's engaging, fun, and gets a plan going.
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post #8 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-24-2010, 04:25 PM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

I agree that facebook isnt the problem to an extent. I think that facebook is a great thing for keeping in touch with friends overseas or family that you dont see often, and to some extent even friends you dont see very often. However there is no reason for anyone to come home after a day at work and spend the rest of their night on facebook. My husband is the same...his world revolves around facebook. He is constantly checking it on his iphone when we are out of the house together and he is online all day while at work, and then as soon as he gets home its the first thing he does. He chats to people on facebook all day and all night and its absolute crap if you ask me. I probably look at my facebook once every 3-4days for about 20 mins and thats it.
Why are the people that he dedicates so much of his time to chatting on facebook and not spending with me not good enough friends for them to come over and visit or go out for dinner with etc...
Its so funny to see that so many other people are experiencing the same thing, I am almost considering canceling my account just to prove a point and make him realise how pathetic it is.
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post #9 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-25-2010, 10:21 PM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

facebook gets on my nerves...my husband and i just got back together after 6 months sepearted and we both have facebook accounts....i hate to see his pictures on there also i read all of his posts to 2 other girls that he dated..he has since deleted those posts but now he wont go on facebook because he says that i get mad about everything....it took him a while to even add that he is married..says its noones business but then i said well you posted everything about your relationship with your exes and he says that he feels stupid for doing that and that is why he doesnt post about us...whatever
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post #10 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-07-2010, 09:38 AM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

I'm glad that I'm not the only one that has this problem. My husband spends every spare minute on the site and has plenty of 'friends' that he talks to on a daily basis whilst he cannot pass 5 mins with me. We have a bar and he has his photo taken with nearly everyone that comes in and most end up on facebook - especially those of him with women whilst I am not featured or referred to. I feel jealous but not sure what of. it all feels so public as he gives out a lot of private thoughts and information that i really dont think the world should know. he has 'picked' up women on the net then become obsessed with phoning and texting them day and night - it makes me feel physically stressed, hurt and unloved - he has gone from being loving in his own way to distant and disinterested in anything especially sex and cahtting together. trying not to think of it as serious but as he spends so much time with 'it' and now believes we or I am boring - think looking at pix of veryone having fun is a fantasy and we cant have fun as hes too busy watching other people's world. nyone got any thoughts

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post #11 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-28-2011, 10:23 AM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage


I have a question. my husband and I have lot's of trust issues
I just found out that my husband is texting and talking with a co-worker outside of the work place, that has nothing to do with work, the reason I'm upset is that #1 this girl is 21 and he is 45, she is texting him at 11:00 at night and also I have found pictures of her on his phone. when I confronted him about it he gets very defensive and tells me I'm a crazy hyper jealous person.
I told him I was hurt not jealous. I also said that it was very inappropriate for him to have a relationship with her outside of work.
he says they are just friends, and that may be the case. I just don't see anything right about her texting or sending him pictures.
he also has a lock on his phone, so I can not look at anything he might be doing, he obviously has something to hide!
I think if you have to lock your phone around your wife, your hiding and you know it would hurt me, and if you know it would hurt, then you know it's WRONG!! please someone respond back and tell me if I'm the crazy wife???
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post #12 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-28-2011, 10:26 AM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

you're not crazy. If there's nothing to hide, there's no reason to hide or lock the phone. And there's no good reason for him to have pics from this girl. The fact that he doesn't respect you enough to know this is a real issue that you need to get working on, drawing hard & fast lines & boundaries. As long as he can dismiss you without fear of any ramifications, he will do so.
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post #13 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-28-2011, 11:48 AM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

Thanks so much for responding back! he has no respect for me, NONE!! I've had enough. This is not the first and it wont be the last,
there has been others. I'm done
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post #14 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-28-2011, 02:24 PM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

FB did two things for me. One it proved to me that once she hauled ace she went running back to the player "no i didnt sleep with him he just sent me a picture of his penis" Sure..... And then she ran back to the pill dealer.

One word

W H * R E!!!!!
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post #15 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-28-2011, 04:02 PM
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Re: Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage

I think that face book is a real problem. More and more of the 80% of married couples who have affairs are doing it more and more online.

On the other hand one of the most important affair-proofing strategies is effective boundary setting and recognizing and managing high risk situations.

In this case, it sound's like facebook is a high risk situation that requires a clear boundary.

The Pro Marriage Counselor,

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