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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-24-2010, 02:13 PM Thread Starter
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husband and online dating sites

Last year my husband of 30 years joined an online adult dating site and posted a profile looking for "discreet relationships".,saying things were good but lacking that vital spark,and he wanted to try all the things he always wanted to do. when i confronted him with this he eventually apologized and said it was "silly" to have done that and he never wanted to hurt me like that again.Also most of the blame was put on me and I tried to make things better for us.I lost more than 25 pounds,and really tried to be more attentive,sexually adventurous and active.Fast forward one year and it is deja vous all ove ragain! This time he is looking at profiles on a popular singles site and receives matches to his inbox daily.A few month a ago he started prefrring internet porn to coming to bed with me and also trying to arken his gray hair just likke last year. Am I wrong to be so upset by this? Is it normal behavior? I feel he is looking for someone better before he leaves. I have not confronted him this time even though he left a window open on my computer that he was viewing his matches on.I need advice.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-24-2010, 03:44 PM
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Re: husband and online dating sites

It's not normal, and your feelings are right on the money. Any one who wants to keep their marriage together would feel hurt by what he's doing.

I wouldn't put all the blame on you, or him. Usually there are a lot of things that cause problems and I won't pretend to know all of what plagues your marriage. But, if I were you I would just find out how serious it all is.

If he feels self-conscious about himself, he could be looking at these sites not to have affairs, but to boost his own self confidence. Is there any way you can make a fake profile, pretend to be someone else, and see how far he takes it?

I don't think my advice is necessarily the best, but if it were me I would tell him that the marriage is equal: if he can venture out in that department, they so can you. Put your own profile up on the same site he's on. Let him see other men desire YOU. If he wants to look at porn, tell him he can have a turn when you are done looking at other naked men. :P But, that is all mean. It's not nice or productive to be mean.

OH, but as a side note...if he's saying that he's no longer turned on by you, have you asked him the age old question: "what exactly do you need from me to be good enough?" I mean, simply being "more adventurous" and "loosing 25" may not be specific enough. Hell, I've lost 55 pounds in the last 9 months...but I still have 20 more to go. (pregnancy sucks). Does he want you to be a certain size? Does he want you to be aggresive? Sometimes him just writing a formal paper list is all it takes for him to realize he's being a little too anal. It's one thing to request a few things of our spouses, it's another to say they totally suck. Also, if there is a "check list" and you meet it, and then there are still problems, then something else is the issue.

Last note (sorry this is so long): Just because he wants you to do certain things, does not mean he is exempt from change. If he wants you to loose weight, it is only fair that you give him a list too, like: he do the grocery shopping to avoid temptations. Or, if he wants you to go out of your comfort zone during sex, then take turns: this Friday you play dominatrix and next week he covers the bed in rose petals for you. It's not all a one-way street, and we all have our fantasies.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-25-2010, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: husband and online dating sites

Thanks for your reply.My husband never asked me to do any of the things I did for him.I just did them to try to be more appealing to him.I told him about what I saw on the comp this weekend because he was angry with me for not initiating sex with him last night and I wanted him to know why.He never tried to come near me in bed so the fact that he is mad because I didn't chase him pisses me off given the circumstances..So far absolutely no response and minimal replies to everyday conversation.I even told him I believe one of our college age children saw it too.I could stand to lose 10 more pounds but at this point i honestly don't really care anymore.He is 60 years old[11 year older than me] and not exactly a stud himself.although he has always had a sizeable ego.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-25-2010, 03:04 PM
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Re: husband and online dating sites

Originally Posted by HindSight View Post
Is there any way you can make a fake profile, pretend to be someone else, and see how far he takes it?
that's a great idea! i wish i had thought of that when i found my H on dating sites. You could show up at a meeting place and his jaw would fall through the floor. He'd be so scared to ever meet another women online.

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-27-2010, 11:57 AM
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Re: husband and online dating sites

Your husband sounds like mine. Anyways, I caught my husband re-activating his AFF account. I know about it but not confronting him. I am gathering evidence that I can use later if things go worst.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-27-2010, 12:06 PM
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Re: husband and online dating sites

Check out the movie "The Truth About Love" starring Jennifer Love Hewitt... the guy pretty much cheats on his wife with his wife.
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