I think itís time to let go of what I perceive as a fair weather relationship.
My boyfriend and I have been together for quite a while now. We have had some down moments but for the most part we have a great time together. We laugh a lot, we enjoy the same activities, he is smart, successful and sexy. Our physical intimacy is healthy and wonderful. If there was anything I needed him to do for me such as repairs around my home or on my car, he is Johnny on the Spot. We only live a couple miles apart from each other and we see each other at least 5 days a week.
Lately though, I have been going through a hard time. My home was burglarized a few weeks ago. If anyone has ever been through an event such as that you know the emotional trauma that goes along with it. The feeling of being violated and unsafe in a place that should be your safe haven. Iím losing my best friend to a loser of a man. I have a ridiculous and petty sibling rivalry situation going on that I tried to fix but canít. My career is at an impasse. As much as I try to compartmentalize I knew it would only be a matter of time until I exploded. For me, that explosion came this past Monday.
My boyfriend and I had plans to hang at his house. I tried to calm myself as much as I could before heading over. Took a Xanax my doctor had prescribed after my break in. It left me feeling numb and empty. I was not my ďhappy go luckyĒ self. My boyfriend just made one comment which was, ďYou donít seem yourself todayĒ. I said, ďA few things are coming to a headĒ. Then nothing. No follow up questions, no asking if he can do something to help, nothing. Whenever one of us visits we always spend the night but Monday night I said to him, ďI know I am not much company tonight. Iím sorry. Iím going to head homeĒ. He said, ďOK Ė see ya laterĒ. So very nonchalant.
He texted me Tuesday morning and asked, ďYou better?Ē. I told him I was getting there. Then he went off the grid. Didnít hear from him again until later that night which is very uncharacteristic of him and our relationship. I texted him this morning about something work related and told him I wasnít sure how much I could hang on here and he responded, ďCanít be that badĒ. Well, yes Ė yes it can. And if you ASKED me or showed the least bit of interest in my life you would freaking know!! Thatís what I wanted to say but instead I remained silent and Iím posting here. And I am well aware that I could have volunteered the information but I do that all the time with him and every time I am not even sure if he wants to hear it or not. And when I do vent to him I get nothing back. Sometimes I would just like to have a willing and empathetic ear.
This isnít the first time he has avoided me when Iím feeling blue. Itís gotten to the point where I donít even feel like Iím ďallowedĒ to be in a bad mood. He either doesnít want to deal or doesnít know how to deal. Either way, itís not a characteristic I need or want from a romantic partner. Whatís that saying? When the going gets toughÖ..??
I need a best friend. I need a sounding board. Now more than ever. Iím tired of being a friend to everyone but not having anyone to call MY friend.
I need to cut my loses, right? Is this a sign of things to come? I donít think heís going to change. Iím also not the only person he does this with. He is a conflict avoider and only comes back into the picture when the storm has passed.
Thanks for reading.