Fair Weather Relationship
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  • 2 Post By EnjoliWoman
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Old 09-04-2013, 11:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Fair Weather Relationship

I think it’s time to let go of what I perceive as a fair weather relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been together for quite a while now. We have had some down moments but for the most part we have a great time together. We laugh a lot, we enjoy the same activities, he is smart, successful and sexy. Our physical intimacy is healthy and wonderful. If there was anything I needed him to do for me such as repairs around my home or on my car, he is Johnny on the Spot. We only live a couple miles apart from each other and we see each other at least 5 days a week.

Lately though, I have been going through a hard time. My home was burglarized a few weeks ago. If anyone has ever been through an event such as that you know the emotional trauma that goes along with it. The feeling of being violated and unsafe in a place that should be your safe haven. I’m losing my best friend to a loser of a man. I have a ridiculous and petty sibling rivalry situation going on that I tried to fix but can’t. My career is at an impasse. As much as I try to compartmentalize I knew it would only be a matter of time until I exploded. For me, that explosion came this past Monday.

My boyfriend and I had plans to hang at his house. I tried to calm myself as much as I could before heading over. Took a Xanax my doctor had prescribed after my break in. It left me feeling numb and empty. I was not my “happy go lucky” self. My boyfriend just made one comment which was, “You don’t seem yourself today”. I said, “A few things are coming to a head”. Then nothing. No follow up questions, no asking if he can do something to help, nothing. Whenever one of us visits we always spend the night but Monday night I said to him, “I know I am not much company tonight. I’m sorry. I’m going to head home”. He said, “OK – see ya later”. So very nonchalant.

He texted me Tuesday morning and asked, “You better?”. I told him I was getting there. Then he went off the grid. Didn’t hear from him again until later that night which is very uncharacteristic of him and our relationship. I texted him this morning about something work related and told him I wasn’t sure how much I could hang on here and he responded, “Can’t be that bad”. Well, yes – yes it can. And if you ASKED me or showed the least bit of interest in my life you would freaking know!! That’s what I wanted to say but instead I remained silent and I’m posting here. And I am well aware that I could have volunteered the information but I do that all the time with him and every time I am not even sure if he wants to hear it or not. And when I do vent to him I get nothing back. Sometimes I would just like to have a willing and empathetic ear.

This isn’t the first time he has avoided me when I’m feeling blue. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even feel like I’m “allowed” to be in a bad mood. He either doesn’t want to deal or doesn’t know how to deal. Either way, it’s not a characteristic I need or want from a romantic partner. What’s that saying? When the going gets tough…..??

I need a best friend. I need a sounding board. Now more than ever. I’m tired of being a friend to everyone but not having anyone to call MY friend.

I need to cut my loses, right? Is this a sign of things to come? I don’t think he’s going to change. I’m also not the only person he does this with. He is a conflict avoider and only comes back into the picture when the storm has passed.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 09-04-2013, 11:30 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fair Weather Relationship

I hesitate. Guys are generally "fixers" and there isn't anything there he can fix. Have you simple explained your emotional needs? You were the one to say you weren't good company and leave. He didn't know how to fix that. You have to tell him the way he can fix it is to listen and be there for you.

We all go through phases but you do need to have a plan. How about bounce some career advancing ideas off him? You can't change your friend - you may not like her choices but you can either agree to disagree or write her off. Not much else you can do. Burglary? Ask him about firearms or alarm systems or getting a dog.

Don't be a problem oriented person - be a solution oriented person. For your own good. And the problem with the boyfriend can be solved with communication. Or at least confirm the next step. He either learns what you need from him (think love languages, men are from mars, etc.) OR he isn't willing to be what you need. Either way the problem is resolved one way or the other but for a successful relationship, communication is key.
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fair Weather Relationship

It is draining emotionally to always wear "a happy face" for our partners. It's not real. It's not life.

Sure we do it at work, with strangers, in public & with our "fair-weathered" friends.

However with our partners/best friends, we need a safe place to fall.

I knew my second husband was a keeper when we were dating. I was dealing with a bad boss & he would listen for hours daily about all of my problems with the witch. He never once complained & was very supportive. He prevented a nervous breakdown; I'm sure of it.

After it was all over, he did tell me how hard & stressful the whole thing was for him but because he cared for me so much, he "dealt" with it.

If I could do it all over, I would not have dumped on him so much but it was a crisis for me. I learned from it.

Maybe you could get real with your b/f. Ask him if he expects you to be in a good mood all of the time. He may be a Pollyana who can't deal with any negativity.
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fair Weather Relationship

EnjoliWoman and Mavash -- so glad you two responded because I always enjoy reading your responses to other posters. Glad you stumbled upon mine.

EnjoliWoman - Yes, I agree. I do need to remember that men are fixers and if something is out of their "comfort zone" or they don't know how to fix, they just don't do anything. I do have to remember it is not out of not caring. I guess my issue is that I am projecting what I would do onto him. I know that is wrong. My biggest issue is not that he isn't trying to fix what is wrong with me (I'm quite capable) but he is not even asking what is wrong. But perhaps he's not asking because he already knows he can't help? I don't know.

Mavash -- Yes, yes and yes. It's a pattern. There have been exceptions but for the most part I attract the emotionally wounded and try to fix them. Especially when it comes to choosing friends. And my parents were the same as yours. When I was a "good girl", I was treated like gold. Ooh, but if I was bad, there would be h*ll to pay. And you know, until your response, I never correlated the two. That's definitely something I need to dig into deeper. Because you are right --- I don't express my feelings out of fear. With this current relationship, I do not feel very secure in it so I say to myself, "If I tell him how I feel he will think he is not meeting my needs and he'll rather hightail it than do the work to make it better".

It's so sad that even I don't think I'm worth the effort. Wow.

Thank you both for responding. You have given me a lot to think about.
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fair Weather Relationship

First off, guys aren't wired to be your girlfriends, we're wired to provide solutions to problems. It is not natural or comfortable for us to listen to your problems and just empathize.

Second, until you bluntly and articulately describe your concerns, you are not being fair to your boyfriend. Assuming that he will just "get it" is petty and childish.

You need to tell him, "I am going through a hard time, I am not feeling comforted. It would help me if you <insert extremely specific and objective task here>."

His response to that will be much more informative. He probably doesn't even realize you expect something from him. He may think you want to be left alone. Men don't strategize like women. If you say you want to go home, he probably thinks you want to go home and nothing else.

Also, how long exactly have you been dating?
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Old 09-04-2013, 02:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fair Weather Relationship

Task oriented/receptive but not emotionally oriented/receptive. I think this is normal guy stuff.

That said, I have to agree with COguy, in that you need to tell him what you want. It isn't obvious to him as it is to you. And for the record I do understand how you feel. I'm the friend to everyone too, and because of this over the years have had to do serious friendventory to preserve my own health.
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Old 09-04-2013, 03:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fair Weather Relationship

Just playing devil's advocate but maybe he thinks if you are having a hard time that you would rather be left alone. If you don't tell him this is not the case than he won't know.
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Old 09-04-2013, 03:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fair Weather Relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by COguy View Post
First off, guys aren't wired to be your girlfriends, we're wired to provide solutions to problems. It is not natural or comfortable for us to listen to your problems and just empathize.

Second, until you bluntly and articulately describe your concerns, you are not being fair to your boyfriend. Assuming that he will just "get it" is petty and childish.

You need to tell him, "I am going through a hard time, I am not feeling comforted. It would help me if you <insert extremely specific and objective task here>."

His response to that will be much more informative. He probably doesn't even realize you expect something from him. He may think you want to be left alone. Men don't strategize like women. If you say you want to go home, he probably thinks you want to go home and nothing else.

Also, how long exactly have you been dating?
Yup. You are right. 100%. Read your response three times and very thankful for a man's point of view. I have always dated men who, at the very least, followed up on my feelings over a crisis I was having. This one? Not so much. So I'm floundering a bit. But you are right. If I need something, I need to know how to ask for it. I forget sometimes that men are the simpler of the sexes. Not intended as an insult. If anything, that's a compliment!

To answer your question.... We have known each other for a few years (casual acquaintances) but we started dating a year ago. In the beginning there were a couple breaks lasting no more than a week or two. We had our share of issues (previous relationship drama stuff) but for the past few months we have really come into our own. For the most part!

Thank you for your insight and advice.
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Old 09-04-2013, 04:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fair Weather Relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by IrishGirlVA View Post
Yup. You are right. 100%. Read your response three times and very thankful for a man's point of view. I have always dated men who, at the very least, followed up on my feelings over a crisis I was having. This one? Not so much. So I'm floundering a bit. But you are right. If I need something, I need to know how to ask for it. I forget sometimes that men are the simpler of the sexes. Not intended as an insult. If anything, that's a compliment!

To answer your question.... We have known each other for a few years (casual acquaintances) but we started dating a year ago. In the beginning there were a couple breaks lasting no more than a week or two. We had our share of issues (previous relationship drama stuff) but for the past few months we have really come into our own. For the most part!

Thank you for your insight and advice.
If you've been together for a year you'll probably notice a good reaction when you articulate your needs. I was worried that you had been together a few months and it was chemicals wearing off. But if you've been together a year you're probably a little bit more stable.
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