General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Most people recommend marriage if you "find the right person". But I'm pretty sure most people think they married the right person when they get married, then 50% end in divorce, with some large remainder being not so happy marriages or existing with affairs.
So I'm wondering...should I just avoid it all together? Or at least wait till I'm like, 35 or so?
It really depends on who you marry, and yourself as an individual.
It is really good if the both of you are complete...this means able to deal with all the stress/pain that life, work and love as an adult. Financial responsibility and common dreams are important.
Having a few years behind you is a good thing. Just make sure...if you get married...for it to be to your best friend. I've learned that without friendship...it is a marriage in name only.
The better recommendation would be self-awareness, a better understanding of relationship dynamics and very open discussions about what each partner wants and expects out of marriage.
Most people (and I have no problem making that generalization) make the decision to marry, passively. "We get along", "We love each other", "We share everything". You simply believe and accept instinctively that the two of you will make it, or that this is the only person in the world for me. And it simply isn't enough.
A great marriage is a balancing act between two people that respect and accept that it is NOT two lives becoming one. Defining yourself solely by the relationship with your partner or based upon expectations from your partner will invariably lead to disillusionment and resentment.
Don't look to marry to feel complete. Feel complete and then look to marry.
A great marriage is a balancing act between two people that respect and accept that it is NOT two lives becoming one..
I liked this, and is so true. Me and my husband are completely opposites, but what makes our marriage work is respect, patience, and accept each other for who we are.
Lifeisquick you are too young to think about marriage right now. Enjoy your single life.
Lifeisquick you are too young to think about marriage right now. Enjoy your single life.
Hey now... I was married at 21!
However to the subject at hand, I think the reason that 50% of marriages end in divorce is because too many people go into it with unrealistic expectations or with the attitude of 'if it doesn't work, we'll just get divorced.'
Marriage is by no means an easy endeavor. It is genuinely hard work. However, I think for those willing to put the work in, it can be one of the most rewarding experiences you can have.
It's definitely a personal choice, but it is one that I happen to recommend.
You are wise to wait. You are absolutely right, most people think they find the right person and end up divorcing. But, it's not because that person suddenly turned "wrong", it's just that they give up trying to find ways that it will work.
Many go into marriage thinking that all you need is love, but you need so much more than that to have a successful relationship. Communication skills, healthy self esteem, kindness, respect, all play their parts.
Spend your 20's for YOU, get your schooling out of the way, travel, party with friends, have a blast. When you are ready to be married, make sure you both have skills, not just love!
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However to the subject at hand, I think the reason that 50% of marriages end in divorce is because too many people go into it with unrealistic expectations or with the attitude of 'if it doesn't work, we'll just get divorced.'
It's definitely a personal choice, but it is one that I happen to recommend.
As happyHer writes 20-s are for fun, and especially educate yourself. To find out who you are, and what you want from life, and were you belong. However some persons are more mature than others, and some people live all their life as teenagers, and they never grow up. Is not the same when you are married, from when you are single. At 21 you still want to go party, to have fun with friends. Being married asks for changes that not everyone can handle those at that age.
I was 25 when I got married, and my husband 30. I miss those days.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHer
Spend your 20's for YOU, get your schooling out of the way, travel, party with friends, have a blast. When you are ready to be married, make sure you both have skills, not just love!
The following article (from a relationship expert), will help shed some additional light on this topic:
As a couples therapist, I frequently give relationship advice about the best age, if any, to get married. While there is no magical age to get married, one is almost always better off waiting to get married, for lots of good reasons.
First, the divorce rate has been hovering at 50% for years, and is much higher the younger you get married. Teenage or early adult marriages have a divorce rate of 75%-85%, and surveys show that the older the female is at the time of her first marriage, the longer the marriage lasts.
I ask you: If you were boarding on a plane with a 50% chance of crashing, would you board?
The reason for the high divorce rate, particularly among teens/early adults, is simple: From a basic developmental perspective, peoples' needs and goals change over time, and at age 30 you will be a much different person than you were at 18 or 21. Also, studies indicate that the purely chemical "butterflies in the tummy" feeling one gets when in love only lasts between two to six months, if your lucky. In other words, it doesn't last, so perhaps it's best to be with your current love without making things more complex by getting married.
Also, while there is no perfect way to determine the potential stability of a given marriage, the following questions are vital prior to considering such a huge life change.
Prior to getting married, one has to be mature enough to realize:
-Love is not enough; the stresses of a young couple are real, and the struggle for decent jobs, housing, and health insurance are real stresses that can destroy any couple. Why rush to take on difficult adult responsibilities?
-Consider your own needs, goals, and relationship requirements. Does your partner satisfy them? It is rare for a teenage or young adult to have enough life experience to know what they really want.
-You MUST be totally emotionally, physically and financially independent from your parents. Healthy marriages require two independent individuals to make a complete whole. Young couples typically marry to get away from their parents or a negative home environment, but there are other ways to cope.
-Relationships need time to see if behavior patterns are consistently healthy. So ask, how long has this union been happy and healthy?
-Get to know yourself. What do you want in life? What do you wish to contribute to the world and how? Live purposefully, then you'll meet others with similar world views and life visions.
Emily Kensington is a couples therapist. Free relationship advice and romance tips can be found on her web site: [http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com]
Wow AlexNY, I agree with the first part 100%. "A good marriage is bliss", but a "bad marriage is more than just a good learning experience". It's like having part of your soul amputated.
I read somewhere a discussion of good and evil taking the view that the better something is able to be "good", the worse it is when it goes "bad". So a hamster that's a good pet can't be as good as somebody who goes to Haiti to start a school, but a "bad hamster" can't be as bad as a serial killer.
In human relationships, a lifelong monogamous marriage is a pretty major undertaking; when it goes well, and people are happy for 60 years together, that's amazing. But when it goes bad, it can get really really bad.
I read somewhere a discussion of good and evil taking the view that the better something is able to be "good", the worse it is when it goes "bad". So a hamster that's a good pet can't be as good as somebody who goes to Haiti to start a school, but a "bad hamster" can't be as bad as a serial killer.
In human relationships, a lifelong monogamous marriage is a pretty major undertaking; when it goes well, and people are happy for 60 years together, that's amazing. But when it goes bad, it can get really really bad.
Absolutely NAILED it, artieb, and for the record I never did trust hamsters.
Do you recommend marriage in general? 
They say you are what you eat, so why not eat to promote passion, ultimate health and the utmost of sensuality? 
