Am I being really stupid here?

psychocandy · 04-29-2008, 04:10 AM

This is really embarrasing and I cant believe I'm discussing this with strangers...

Anyway, some of you may have read my other posts about my paranoia and recent problems, so this is just the latest worry for me really.

A few weeks ago, I dont know how, but the subject of sex toys came up in conversation with my wife. At the time, I said I quite liked the idea for us both, so she agreed and ordered one.

Anyway, it came the other day, and I had ideas in my head that since we were going out Friday night (and our son was staying over a friends) that it would be a good time. However, my wife mentioned that she'd already tried it out. I felt really let down and betrayed.

I metnioned that maybe we could get it out on Friday but she said she didnt know whether she wanted on Friday. She said I shouldnt assume things and assume its on just because we are going out for the night.

Am I being stupid? Am I really being jealous of a lump of plastic here?

In the past, my wife has said its different to real sex and not the same. However, as man, I dont understand this. Anyone care to explain in simple terms?

Also, my wife seems to have big issues with me planning ahead for things like sex. She seems to hate it when I take things for granted or so it seems.

Am I making a mistake her? Do women hate this sort of thing then?

sweetp101 · 04-29-2008, 06:26 AM

Some women like spontaneity. The fact that you are scheduling sex defeats the purpose. Where is the romance in scheduling a sex...

Since this will affect her, let her suggest bringing in the toy.

demora · 04-29-2008, 06:50 AM

I agree with sweetp101. When sex is scheduled, it feels like a chore on a check list. If you get her all hot and bothered and then bring on the toy, she will love it and if you enjoy watching her in pleasure, you will enjoy it too.

Don't be jealous of the toy. She's not comparing the two of you and I would take a warm body over a cold toy any day of the week - as I'm sure she would. If this is her first toy, she was probably very curious about it and how it would feel. There's a book called "Toygasims" that is like a guide for how to make the most of toys.

mommy22 · 04-29-2008, 06:51 AM

Try spending some quality bonding time with her without so much as a mention of sex. She needs to know that you value her beyond what she can do for you sexually. Sometimes we women feel like sex objects. We feel like our men don't notice our intellect, creativity, talents, etc... It can make us feel devalued and unimportant in your eyes. We enjoy sex but there's so much emotion tied up in it for us. If we don't feel connected with you on other levels, we withdraw. She probably genuinely wants to share that with you but she wants to share intimacy in a nonsexual way with you as well. Think of something she really enjoys doing and offer to take her out to do it. Is there a movie she's wanted to see?, a sporting event?, a shopping excursion?, simply taking a walk together? Do some digging to find out and then make all the arrangements. Let her know you just want to spend some quality time with her WITHOUT any expectations. Don't come on to her sexually during this outing. Leave it up to her. She may just want to see that you care. We women need constant reassurance, you know? Don't make a mountain out of a molehill with the toy thing. It'll work itself out. If doing things for her still results in her being withdrawn, gently tell her how you feel without being accusatory. Tell her how much you love her and that it's something you want to share with her.

carmaenforcer · 04-29-2008, 07:47 AM

Bringing toys into the bed room is a dangerous thing for someone that is insecure about their sexual abilities in the first place.
Now I don't know if your insecurities are personal in nature involving your abilities in the bed room or are only towards other men or your Wifes flirtatiousness.
Was the bringing a toy into the bed room your idea or your Wifes?
A healthy happy sex life is an important thing to already have before inviting other players into the mix, which is what a toy is.

I mean if you are already having issues with getting some and your woman treating her sex like something that she rations out and that you have no say in when you two have sex, how is her having another outlet in a drawer just waiting to take your place going to help? Sorry for the run on question, but seriously, did you honestly think that your woman would include you in her pleasuring herself, if she doesn't even let you have a say in when you have normal sex.

Oh well, Pandora's box has already been opened, there is nothing to be done now other than just trying to talk to your Wife about what your expectation were for bringing a toy into the house and that you would have not agreed to her buying it if you thought it would take time away from you two having real sex. Note that she will try to argue that one thing has nothing to do with the other but that's a lie and you should stick to your convictions or just give it up and step down another peg in the hierarchy of your sexual relationship with your woman.

Think about it, if she already makes you jump through hoops and things have to be just right before you get any, you don't think she will be more quick to take care of herself when she finally does get the urge. The toy doesn't have to kiss her a_s, or spend any quality bonding time before taking care of business.

I suggest you talk to her A.S.A.P. about your concerns, or just let it go. Letting it go might be your best bet considering she don't even let you have a say in your own sex lives together, I'm almost 100% sure she will tell you that you have no say in the matter and she will do what she wants. But hey, for sake of those that see the good in women, it's at least worth the try.
I mean I could be wrong and your woman might actually care about your opinion, right.

swedish · 04-29-2008, 08:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by psychocandy

In the past, my wife has said its different to real sex and not the same. However, as man, I dont understand this. Anyone care to explain in simple terms?

The main difference is that real sex is much better. Most women feel emotionally close ... just can't get that with a toy. IMO using a toy alone is like a guy masturbating to porn...satisfies the urge when real sex isn't an option...but combining real sex and the toy can be good also since many woman cannot orgasm internally, it can be a way to orgasm together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by psychocandy

Also, my wife seems to have big issues with me planning ahead for things like sex. She seems to hate it when I take things for granted or so it seems.

Am I making a mistake her? Do women hate this sort of thing then?

I agree with the other post that pre-planned sex can sometimes feel like a chore...although if the average day you are loving (hugs/kisses/i love you) it wouldn't feel that way to me...we'd both be having the same thoughts and it should lead that way anyway. But to your point, I do think once you have kids, it may not be the most romantic thing but scheduling sex when you have a night alone just makes sense.

You could try something totally spontaneous...tell her you want to jump on the bed naked with her because you want to have a wild kid-free evening...you don't want sex, you just want to have some fun with her...get her to laugh and lighten up & see where things go.

ok strange idea

draconis · 04-29-2008, 08:24 PM

ARe you saying you are jealous of a sex toy, think of that the next time you "handle yourself".

Yeah you are being silly, further she may wanted to see what role it might have and how much she liked it.

draconis

Green-Moo · 04-30-2008, 09:51 AM

As a woman, there is nothing more guaranteed to dampen my libido than the *expectation* that sex will occur. I have every sympathy with your wife's point of view.

stav · 04-30-2008, 11:36 AM

I have to agree with Green Moo as well.. I know for men it can be a case of.. 'on Friday I am going to have sex' but a woman while generally willing, may not be able to switch it on in the same way to order. You shouldn't read anything more into it.

A sex toy can be fun, but I wouldn't blame your wife for trying it out on her own first.. if it's new to her, it can be quite scary.. try looking at it as if she was practicing for you..

Asfor it being different, well it's the man woman thing again, for a woman the intimate contact (the touching, kissing, whispered sweet nothings) with her man, is far more important than the act itself, and while of course men have strong feelings too, often there is a single minded determination to 'have sex' rather than lovemaking.. mens needs can be different to women's.

I'm sure if you both talk to each other about which parts you feel the othe is doing wrong, then you will sort it out. Get over the sex toy issue.. because it really isn't one..

Can i also say.. carmaenforcer, people come here to hear other views, and get help, sometimes just to talk things out, to help them understand their problems better.. it's great that you participate, but while we can and should disagree with viewpoints, we shouldn't be judging people.

In your post above you made remarks about this man's wife saying she rations out sex and he doesn't have a say.. but i can't see any such thing in his post?

mommy22 · 04-30-2008, 12:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy22

Can i also say.. carmaenforcer, people come here to hear other views, and get help, sometimes just to talk things out, to help them understand their problems better.. it's great that you participate, but while we can and should disagree with viewpoints, we shouldn't be judging people.

In your post above you made remarks about this man's wife saying she rations out sex and he doesn't have a say.. but i can't see any such thing in his post?

I was wondering the same thing. However, I think that was directed towards me. I need to clarify my point of view. I was in no way suggesting that marriage is all about a woman's needs. I was simply trying to give a man insight into a woman's thinking. I think it can be helpful to hear from the opposite sex on things like this because men and women can have a lot of trouble understanding each other's needs. But, by all means, marriage is a two way street. I just know that my husband and I have decided that we need to go back to selflessly giving to one another. I think when both partners are always thinking about the other's needs it can be amazing. It has to be sacrificial in order for it to work-- just as we give sacrificially to our children without expectations.

swedish · 04-30-2008, 12:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy22

But, by all means, marriage is a two way street. I just know that my husband and I have decided that we need to go back to selflessly giving to one another. I think when both partners are always thinking about the other's needs it can be amazing. It has to be sacrificial in order for it to work-- just as we give sacrificially to our children without expectations.

I really think this is the key to a great marriage. Agape love, selflessly wanting your spouse to be happy and feel loved. Hidden agendas and score keeping only build resentment within a marriage.

fredfoxw28 · 05-08-2008, 02:26 PM

You are absolutely right Swedish. It is sacrificial, always thinking about your partner. It can be hard especially when your spouse is not returnig the favor, but I am a witness that small changes make a big difference. Coming on this site reminds me of that everytime I feel down and out and un connected. It does not last long, once I give, he always comes back ten fold. I don't do the toy thing because I think our sexual relationship is too fragile for that now. It's best to work on eachother first, incorporate things later.