General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
MEN........ Let's say that you are dating a woman and the two of you are getting along great. After awhile, she makes it absolutely clear to you that she's 100% committed to remaining a virgin until marriage. In other words, there's a zero percent chance of having sexual intercourse with her unless you were to marry her.
Would you continue to date her? Would there be any chance for a long-term commitment to her?
Women....... Just the opposite scenario... Let's say you're dating a man and the two of you are getting along great. After awhile, he makes it absolutely clear to you that he's 100% committed to remaining a virgin until marriage. In other words, there's a zero percent chance of having sexual intercourse with him unless you were to marry him.
Would you continue to date him? Would there be any chance for a long-term commitment to him?
I would move on (not continue relationship) because relationship is important and everything to me... NOT marriage.
So i would want relationship FULLY developed before i EVER considered making a contract!!!
Id say that divorce rate alone implies that saying "I do" is in no way a measure of relationship maturity and compatibility.
To me abstaining is fine, but when you get naked it should be based on relationship, not marriage.
May be society rules but in my mind, you're signing a contract and commiting yourself for life without all the information... NOT somthing I'd EVER do.
Women....... Just the opposite scenario... Let's say you're dating a man and the two of you are getting along great. After awhile, he makes it absolutely clear to you that he's 100% committed to remaining a virgin until marriage. In other words, there's a zero percent chance of having sexual intercourse with him unless you were to marry him.
Would you continue to date him? Would there be any chance for a long-term commitment to him?
As much as I'd like to say yes, the more truthful answer is probably no. I would respect him greatly for his commitment, but I'm not sure I'd want to put all in without some sort of test drive...
I think it is awesome if a couple can wait until marriage to have sex. All couples are different though...
As a woman, if a man was the tell me that he was a virgin and expected to remain so until he was married...he would go up 10 notches in my eyes. Just because sexual abstinence is SO HARD in today's day and age, and it is especially hard for men. It would tell me (granted if he isn't a recluse and decent looking) that he has a strong self-will.
I waited to have sex until I was married to my current husband. It made our early courtship hard, because our chemistry was strong...and I had this feeling that I was really "missing out". Yet now, three years later...my sexual desire and bond to him has always been strong....pretty much everything else has gone to ****, but I've never stopped wanting him...sometimes I wonder if I ever will.
I guess my example is one that waiting doesn't necessarily make a difference on whether you will stay together.
When me and my fiance met and talked about dating, I made it very obvious that I wanted to wait until marriage, for many good reasons. We have been together for 3 and a half years, have lived together for a year, planning on marrying this summer and have yet to have sex.
It makes it easier, being that we are both virgins. It sort of became a mutual agreement. It's very possible to wait if you're committed to each other, and have very strong reasons for not going all the way. My fear of pregnancy really keeps me abstinent, and he won't force me into doing anything I'm not ready for.
I wouldn't get in a relationship where sex was off limits. Those are issues that are normally discussed up front, and with how I was before I got married, there would be no chance to even get the point it could be called a relationship.
I like the mix here of comments like 63Vino's contasted with Kagonu's. A theme seems to be those who live more for the present, articulating a newer model aimed at getting over traditional problems/perspectives, while others control (restrict) their behavior more now for the sake of some future rewards, and stick to more purist traditional viewpoints.
If there was provision for a loving, inventive sharing of sensual pleasures in each other but stopping short of intercourse I think I could manage that. Just.
If all forms of sensual giving were off-limits I would simply find that hard to understand. It would seem to split off sexuality in a way that might store up future problems as well as huge frustration in the here-and-now. That kind of denial just might swing my decision.
I like the mix here of comments like 63Vino's contasted with Kagonu's. A theme seems to be those who live more for the present, articulating a newer model aimed at getting over traditional problems/perspectives, while others control (restrict) their behavior more now for the sake of some future rewards, and stick to more purist traditional viewpoints.
I certainly accept "live more for the present" lablel.
I would like to know.. I am truely curious IF your relationship is solidified, you are seriously "there" from a relationship perspective... What are the "future rewards" you get for abstaining? Gold stars in the society norms commitee? what?????????
Most of the "waiting to get married" crowd have a very SHORT engagement/dating period. It is a rush to the altar in alot of ways because sex is something that can only be avoided for so long between two people who are in love.
I do look back and I would have waited longer to get married to my husband...if we had had sex. There was so much pressure that we rushed into something...it would have been better had we just taken our time and gotten to know eachother a little more up front. Maybe we could have avoided what is happening now?
I feel that people rushing into things, such as sex too soon or marriage too soon is immaturity. Of course, being only 20 and watching my friends screw up their lives by rushing into things was a blatant sign of immaturity. I don't mean to imply that anyone here who did such a thing is immature, but my observations of my friends solidified some decisions I've made about my relationship and my feelings on the matter.
I've had friends end up with children who are clearly incapable at raising them properly, who get married because she's pregnant, or who just completely screw up good friendships and get into bad relationships because the sex is good. Just seems like a lot of drama that shouldn't be dealt with this early in life.
The old saying is oh so true: You don't miss what you don't have.
she makes it absolutely clear to you that she's 100% committed to remaining a virgin until marriage. In other words, there's a zero percent chance of having sexual intercourse with her unless you were to marry her.
Would you continue to date her? Would there be any chance for a long-term commitment to her?
Women....... Just the opposite scenario... Let's say you're dating a man and the two of you are getting along great. After awhile, he makes it absolutely clear to you that he's 100% committed to remaining a virgin until marriage. In other words, there's a zero percent chance of having sexual intercourse with him unless you were to marry him.
Would you continue to date him? Would there be any chance for a long-term commitment to him?
I WAS one of those women who went into my relationships letting the guy know (so he was not wasting his time)..."You will not get into my pants unless you love me enough to Marry me" .....and like clockwork, I was dumped by every guy who gave me any consideration, shortly after. Until I met my husband, and I clearly remember thinking "Well, he MUST be the one!! God answered my prayers".
For me, waiting was "Not having Intercourse", that was MY Bar, MY boundary. Other Sensual touching/expression, I came to learn very quickly, I enjoyed heavily & in all honestly, IF he would have had NO interest in that or felt it was WRONG / EVIL / SINFUL, I could NOT have stayed with him as >>> I would have VERY MUCH questioned if he desired me, and would have been afraid to go into a marraige with such a man. I would not have felt that was NORMAL or healthy, I NEEDED to know while we were courting, even without the act of intercourse, that "THIS MAN WANTS ME BADLY" before I could say "I do".
So he Respected, but he Struggled. We made it work by taking care of each others needs in other ways, this allowed us to explore our sexuality, grow emotionally and still save that part of ourselves for the Wedding Night. I would never change anything about this precious time before our marraige.
It gave us something to look forward too and it allowed us to enjoy our courtship and NOT rush , because of raging hormones into getting married too soon - as many who try to "repress" these longings DO.
What are the "future rewards" you get for abstaining? Gold stars in the society norms commitee? what?????????[/QUOTE]
I believe that HAVING pre-marital sex is our societal norm, while ABSTAINING is against the norm. With that being said, abstaining would not warrant a "Gold Star" from the societal norms committee!
I believe that women would reap the benefits of abstaining more that men would. "Out-of-wedlock" sex places a much heavier burden on the woman, because when sex occurs before there's enough of a commitment to become a married couple, the woman is usually the one "holding the bag" if she finds herself pregnant, while the man often runs in the other direction. In many cases of pre-marital sex, the commitment to raise a child together, should a pregnancy occur, just isn't there.
The woman is left to make the decision as to whether to keep the baby, or is often pressured by the man to terminate the pregnancy. Or, if she chooses to keep the baby, she typically ends up raising it on her own and often has to fight (often unsuccessfully) to get child support.
Unfortunately, men are more than willing to engage in pre-marital sex, but all too often they run from the consequences should a pregnancy occur.
So, in cases where an unwanted pregnancy results, it's likely that abstaining might have been a "reward" in disguise.
I so agree with everything DeeKay1 said, very very true!
The question is: What IS premarital sex? I have found People's definitions are very different.
Many feel "Heavy Petting" is also Pre-marital sex. I am curious to know who feels this way and why?
My personal boundaries safely covered the concerns DeeKay1
raised in his post. But what we did many Christians would have found Sinful & would be classified as Pre-marital sex.
Pre-marital sex? What's your opinion? 
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT 
