General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I've had so many people contact me privately to inquire about the status of my newly opened marriage that I thought I'd post a general update for those interested.
Short background: 4 1/2 months ago I discovered that my husband was having affair #3 during our 12 year marriage. Rather than leaving or kicking him out, I proposed an open marriage, allowing both him and myself to have extramarital relationships without the secrecy and lying that had characterized his previous actions. The intent in this was to allow us to maintain our household for our children's sake. He accepted and off we went...
So here we are 4 months later. Things are actually going very well. We worked together to compose a contract, negotiated its terms, finalized and signed it. He has maintained his relationship with the same woman and I have recently established a relationship with a very nice guy in a similar situation. Both of our extramarital partners know and accept the rules within with our relationships exist. The shift to this lifestyle has been interesting - more trying for him than for me, I think. I've been accustomed to the idea of him with someone else for quite awhile, but this was something new for him to have to contend with.
I certainly wouldn't recommend this for everyone, but for the time being this is what's working for us.
momof3, this is intriguing. Was the alternative to split up, or perhaps you are postponing the parting of the ways for the sake of your kids? I'm in a very vaguely similar set-up - I simply could not contemplate foisting the distress of a break-up on a small child. I think it's worked well - our child is secure, confident, happy with us and does very well at school. That's worth a lot.
Steve71 - I think it's a little of both. Right now, it's the alternative to splitting up and putting our kids through a divorce. Is it postponing the inevitable? I'm not sure what will happen when the kids are gone. We've talked about splitting up, we've talked about continuing. For us, the kids come first - it's even in our contract.
Morals aside I would allow my wife to do this way before I would want a divorce!! Lifestyle, kids, home, is so stable and breaking that up dividing assets screw that. I would much rather let her have a booty call once a week.........of course I hope that doesn't ever happen.
How's your energy in dealing with two serious relationships now? Maybe the new man gives you needed support so it's actually easier to deal with your wandering hubby, either by him directly talking about it with you or by just diverting your attention to fun, energizing things for a while. (like sex
Morals aside I would allow my wife to do this way before I would want a divorce!! Lifestyle, kids, home, is so stable and breaking that up dividing assets screw that. I would much rather let her have a booty call once a week.........of course I hope that doesn't ever happen.
Exactly. Why mess with something that works except for a single aspect?
Quote:
Originally Posted by publicme
How's your energy in dealing with two serious relationships now? Maybe the new man gives you needed support so it's actually easier to deal with your wandering hubby, either by him directly talking about it with you or by just diverting your attention to fun, energizing things for a while. (like sex
I have a ton of energy to begin with, so that's not really an issue. Each of them provide me with something very different. The H and I have family commitments, community involvement, and a shared life. We grew up together. We, however, have very little in common in terms of interests, hobbies, opinions, etc. We want different things from life in the long run. In a lot of ways, we have become very different people from when we got married. My secondary partner and I have very similar interests, hobbies, and opinions. In a lot of ways, he fills the voids that have been left by H. The H's girlfriend does the same for him. She provides him with things that I cannot.
Call me old-fashioned, but, as my mother always used to tell me, "two wrongs don't make a right." So, instead of one of you committing adultery, both of you are.
Also, for your children it's tough enough to learn that their father was "fooling around" on the side. But to learn now that their mother is doing the same, with their father's approval, would mess them up even more.
While your idea may be appealing to some on this forum, I strongly disagree with your idea, both for moral reasons and for the fact that knowledge of your "new arrangement" could really cause psychological issues for your children, not to mention the example that you are setting for them should they find out.
If your children are aware of their father "fooling around," that's one things. If they find out about your new agreement, that's basically teaching them that it's okay (since you both agree that it is) for a husband and wife to not be faithful to their marriage partner. So, it's very likely that, based on their upbringing, your children will perceive adultery as being acceptable in a marriage.
I'm going to have to agree with DeeKay1. While this new arrangement is working for you and your husband, I can't see how it would be more beneficial to your children for you two to stay together AND have significant others on the side.
It's hard enough for children to cope when one parent has an extramarital affair but when both parents are doing it and are OK with the arrangement... I see lots of therapy in your kids' future.
I dunno.... It feels like "judging" just because something does not fit into what somebody tihnks is right.
Divorce rate is higher than 50%, in addition, of the 50% that remains in tact, many people are in difficulty.
What does THAT teach kids? All that divorce and fighting...That its ok to simply split up the family if things dont go as planned?
(life NEVER goes as planned)
OR stay in a miserable situation so they can REALLY learn how to be nasty to their potantial future spouses.
I dont like making assumptions about how someone raises their kids by way of superficial knowledge.
I dont think many of us are taught much about relationships, what love means, how to communicate.
When i personally see two people truely open and honest with each other and able to work things out in a way thats beneficial for all... does not matter too much what the outside world thinks, i see that as beautiful and positive.
What the outside world thinks is part of the problem... too many people trying to fit their lives inside the box drawn by others...usually people who love to speak out, or give "opinions" when its not to their standard, while at the same time (many times) struggling with that same standard... ...yep dunno
my hubby & i swing so we know all about open marriage & how it should work, but its not easy!
To DeeKay1 & ICBlueEyes- we also have a son & in all honesty its how u raise ur child that would depict how he/ she turns out. we will be completely honest with him when he starts asking questions. I wish my parents were as open about their "secret life" as wut we are...
Call me old-fashioned, but, as my mother always used to tell me, "two wrongs don't make a right." So, instead of one of you committing adultery, both of you are.
Also, for your children it's tough enough to learn that their father was "fooling around" on the side. But to learn now that their mother is doing the same, with their father's approval, would mess them up even more.
While your idea may be appealing to some on this forum, I strongly disagree with your idea, both for moral reasons and for the fact that knowledge of your "new arrangement" could really cause psychological issues for your children, not to mention the example that you are setting for them should they find out.
If your children are aware of their father "fooling around," that's one things. If they find out about your new agreement, that's basically teaching them that it's okay (since you both agree that it is) for a husband and wife to not be faithful to their marriage partner. So, it's very likely that, based on their upbringing, your children will perceive adultery as being acceptable in a marriage.
Just my opinion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ICBlueEyes
I'm going to have to agree with DeeKay1. While this new arrangement is working for you and your husband, I can't see how it would be more beneficial to your children for you two to stay together AND have significant others on the side.
It's hard enough for children to cope when one parent has an extramarital affair but when both parents are doing it and are OK with the arrangement... I see lots of therapy in your kids' future.
So you'd rather that I would've kicked him out, sent our entire family into chaos, ruined him financially, and certainly caused a great deal of emotional harm? No thank you. I'd rather maintain a household which works very well and compromise a little. It is beneficial to our children for us to stay together. Marriage for us is more than love - it is a partnership based on commitment to family. We do love each other - that has never been in question - and we accept each other, flaws and all. Can you say the same for your spouse? Does he/she know that no matter what happens you will always support them and accept them for who they are? Please know that I do not say that to be rude or confrontational or to justify my relationship in your moral system - simply to make you consider...
Our children are very healthy and happy, they excel in school and extracurricular activities, and are completely unaware of our arrangement. What they do know is that they absolutely come first, that we love each other and support each other no matter what, and that their family is safe and secure. They know that we can debate and argue and still come out on the other side without our relationship in shambles. Can your children say the same? Can children in divorced families say the same? I'm sure there are some, but many end up dealing with all type of abandoment issues, blame issues, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 63Vino
I dunno.... It feels like "judging" just because something does not fit into what somebody tihnks is right.
Divorce rate is higher than 50%, in addition, of the 50% that remains in tact, many people are in difficulty.
What does THAT teach kids? All that divorce and fighting...That its ok to simply split up the family if things dont go as planned?
(life NEVER goes as planned)
OR stay in a miserable situation so they can REALLY learn how to be nasty to their potantial future spouses.
I dont like making assumptions about how someone raises their kids by way of superficial knowledge.
I dont think many of us are taught much about relationships, what love means, how to communicate.
When i personally see two people truely open and honest with each other and able to work things out in a way thats beneficial for all... does not matter too much what the outside world thinks, i see that as beautiful and positive.
What the outside world thinks is part of the problem... too many people trying to fit their lives inside the box drawn by others...usually people who love to speak out, or give "opinions" when its not to their standard, while at the same time (many times) struggling with that same standard... ...yep dunno
Quote: Our children are very healthy and happy, they excel in school and extracurricular activities, and are completely unaware of our arrangement. What they do know is that they absolutely come first, that we love each other and support each other no matter what, and that their family is safe and secure.
MomOf3,
In the above quote, you mention that your children are completely unaware of the open marriage arrangement that you and your husband have.
(1) Just curious...why have you chosen to not tell your children of the current arrangement that you and your husband have? Isn't honesty the best policy? Wouldn't it be best to be right up front with them, perhaps even allowing them to meet each of your outside partners?
(2) Children are very impressionable, and their parents are their primary role models. With two parents condoning an "open marriage" concept, are you okay with your children adopting that same concept in their future relationships? Why or why not?
mo3 I "think" put this (her personal and private) situation out there to "share", give a view into another point of view, a way of dealing with life and the unpredictability of it.. what comes in marriage is not what we expceted at the "I do" point.
With any thread here, the idea is to get multiple points of view on the table so that maybe it will help someone.. not something to be "resolved" to each readers satisfaction. The initial thread said that many people had PMd about the situation and I thought it really open to...openly share with everyone reading.
Im going to go out on a limb and guess that the purpose was NOT to debate whether this is right wrong, immoral, good , bad , whatever.
Every one here has a "point of view" based on life experiences and is 6 million perecent entitled to those and the actions born from them whether someone thinks that right or wrong really is not in the picture.
How bout simply letting the information flow, read, accept alternative points of view... If you dont see it that way im sure no one will be offended, unless there is the need to "right some wrong one sees" which is false.. there is no right or wrong here. only points of view.
This is an open forum and again. this particular thread is not a "debate"
btw.. just as a mother or father may choose NOT to tell a child about the others infidelity in a typical marriage...not informing children of the intimate workings of their relationship DOES not equate to "dishonesty".
1Likes
Update - Open marriage 
We worked together to compose a contract, negotiated its terms, finalized and signed it. He has maintained his relationship with the same woman and I have recently established a relationship with a very nice guy in a similar situation. Both of our extramarital partners know and accept the rules within with our relationships exist. The shift to this lifestyle has been interesting - more trying for him than for me, I think. I've been accustomed to the idea of him with someone else for quite awhile, but this was something new for him to have to contend with. 
No thank you. I'd rather maintain a household which works very well and compromise a little. It is beneficial to our children for us to stay together. Marriage for us is more than love - it is a partnership based on commitment to family. We do love each other - that has never been in question - and we accept each other, flaws and all. Can you say the same for your spouse? Does he/she know that no matter what happens you will always support them and accept them for who they are? Please know that I do not say that to be rude or confrontational or to justify my relationship in your moral system - simply to make you consider... 
