General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Re: Wife Doesn't Want Me Spending Time With Married Female Friend-Please Comment!
Sorry Freddie but all bets were off when you said in your initial post that your friendship with this friend "means the world to me". Truly? How about your marriage to your wife? Maybe you are a great guy who would never stray. I have numerous women friends but we do not hang out (maybe a rare lunch like once ever 2-3 years). I value their friendship greatly but if my wife ever told me to back off then it would be over immediately. In these cases familiarity breeds ........well it just breeds. Start hanging out with the wife more she sounds cool!
Re: Wife Doesn't Want Me Spending Time With Married Female Friend-Please Comment!
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Originally Posted by RClawson
Sorry Freddie but all bets were off when you said in your initial post that your friendship with this friend "means the world to me". Truly? How about your marriage to your wife? Maybe you are a great guy who would never stray. I have numerous women friends but we do not hang out (maybe a rare lunch like once ever 2-3 years). I value their friendship greatly but if my wife ever told me to back off then it would be over immediately. In these cases familiarity breeds ........well it just breeds. Start hanging out with the wife more she sounds cool!
Some thoughts here:
1. I would never let my husband get tangled up in a "friendship" that he just made recently. When I was married, I did work with my husband over his friendship with his ex gf. But they did have a long history dating back to high school and family member realtionships were intertwined. In additionto the fact that they were still part of the same social circle from university. Thankfully, I pulled him on that relationship before we got married and things between the 4 of us (she had a nice husband) went fine from then on.
But I am not going to put up with a husband who has fly by night relationships with women and talks about them as if they go back decades.
2. I don't think it's a good idea to make friends in the workplace. It can be as much of a hot potato as dating in the workplace. Just when you think you're being friendly / flirty, how do you know that that person is not pissed off at you because you brought your wife to that BBQ and she was expecting that you had promised to come alone? It's a sexual harassment case in the making.
The fewer roles that any one person has in your life, the better.
3. I agree with the other poster. It's the husband's job to get along with the husband. Did you want your wife to do so, so that you can rationalise your inappropriate behaviour with the wife?
4. This line about "she's my only friend." Dammit, go out and find some friends. Everywhere you go there are special interest groups to get involved in and to start cultivating new relationships and friendships. Really, no one should ever make themselves beholden to anyone person for their social life. Did you reall y want to give that much control to one person.....who is also your co-worker......who is also making your wife uncomfortable........lots of roles you're letting this woman play in your life.
Re: Wife Doesn't Want Me Spending Time With Married Female Friend-Please Comment!
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Originally Posted by VeryShyGirl
BUT like I mentioned some of my guy friends have had HUGE problems with their wives. On the one occasion the wife was upset with her husband for hiking with me alone. I felt TERRIBLE, we were just out havin' some good clean fun. I hade no idea somebody could think it was wrong. I'm not sure if it was that she didn't trust him or whether she just couldn't deal with him having a female friend.
I have the same problem but reversed. I'm a guy who likes having female friends, but a lot of women can't deal with that. My gf doesn't care at all. It's everyone else who cares.
It seems like society is >80% angry loners. So many rules on why you can't have friends.
Re: Wife Doesn't Want Me Spending Time With Married Female Friend-Please Comment!
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Originally Posted by freddie_fender
Hi,
I have a good friend who I met through my office. She is female and married as well like myself.
We get along great and have gone out at times to different events, drinks, lunches on our own. All four of us once went out as well.
My wife and I don't have much in common with my friends husband, and we're not big socializers, so we haven't gone out with the two of them since.
However, I still like to get together with my friend. My wife finds it very strange that just her and I would get together, and not as couples. I have told my wife that my friend isn't the happiest in her marriage (but I know she would never leave it as she has children), and that unfortunately has led my wife to not trust my friend with me.
My wife says she fully trusts me, it seems to be my friend she doesn't fully trust. I have very little for friends left in my area as they have all moved away. My friendship with my "female friend" means the world to me. It means nothing to me that she is female, and nothing would ever happen...period.
However, I realize it causes my wife severe problems and she doesn't want me to spend anytime with my friend unless it is as couples.
Is it uncommon to spend time with opposite sex married friends? Am I out of line for pushing this (which I am planning to)? Is my wife out of line? Any comments would mean more than you could ever imagine to me. I am really lost on this topic and am quite sad about the whole thing. But maybe I am the one who is wrong. Thank you so much for your time!!!
Cheers,
FF
Going by your subject line alone, I can provide you with the following advice, and not only that, I can 100% guarantee that it will satisfy your wife:
STOP SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR MARRIED OPPOSITE SEX FRIEND.
Re: Wife Doesn't Want Me Spending Time With Married Female Friend-Please Comment!
I know this is an old thread, but I've been through something similar and wanted to weigh in. Since it was so similar, I took the time to read all of Freddie's posts. So, the thing is, you're not telling the truth to a bunch of anonymous forum people - it makes it hard for me to believe you are telling the truth to your wife. In one thread you say your wife doesn't like you spending time with a married female friend, in another, your wife doesn't like you spending time with two divorced female friends; and in two others, you ask advice on how much sex is normal - clearly feeling concerned that your level of sex (and how you are the one who must initiate it) is not healthy.
So - you have a number of red flags - your wife and you are having intimacy issues, despite over 5K views, your questions have gotten 1 Like, and you're asking your questions different ways because you want to get the answer that agrees with you.
Look - your wife says she trusts you - but you and I both know she doesn't. You can defend that until you're blue in the face, but the fact that you're looking for validation of how right you are shows otherwise. Not all communication is verbal - if your wife is not initiating sex, and not welcoming your advances - she's unhappy with you.
Maybe because you are hearing her concerns, but questioning her boundaries. It isn't about being right, or even honest with us.
It is about being honest with yourself. If your wife is totally confident, and in love with you, she wouldn't even have to talk with you about this.
There is no middle ground on this - something you say you're looking for. There is trust, and lack of it. Your choice here isn't about convincing her to be cool with this...(being friends w/married/unmarried; or how much or how little sex you have; or who initiates it); your choice is about being married or not.
You only have so much energy to give in life - give it first to your wife, take her out four times a month (or four MORE times) for drinks, or lunch, let her be the one who means everything to you. I guarantee, if you treat her like that, you find your sex life improves immensely. Oh, and kiss her like a boy who doesn't know if he can get to second base. Look deep into her eyes and tell her, sincerely, that you love her.
My husband used to be like you, but after one of his "best friends" hit on him and told him I was too controlling, he realized I'd been right all along. Making your boundaries known is not controlling - it is loving and respectful.
Since he's made this re-commitment to us, our marriage (and sex life) has never been better. Now we're celebrating 20 years of marriage. If you'd asked me ten years ago, I would never have thought we'd make it.
You've been given a ton of good advice by a lot of people here - I hope you've used it.
Re: Wife Doesn't Want Me Spending Time With Married Female Friend-Please Comment!
your wife is not behaving strange...its casual...If i would be at her place, where my wife has done all that, i would do the same...I think, you must think about your married life...
Re: Wife Doesn't Want Me Spending Time With Married Female Friend-Please Comment!
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Originally Posted by ShawnD
I have the same problem but reversed. I'm a guy who likes having female friends, but a lot of women can't deal with that. My gf doesn't care at all. It's everyone else who cares.
It seems like society is >80% angry loners. So many rules on why you can't have friends.
Well, there's a lot of possessive people out there.
Re: Wife Doesn't Want Me Spending Time With Married Female Friend-Please Comment!
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Originally Posted by TNgirl232
Normally I would say No. BUT with the friend having marriage problems you are on a slippery slope. No matter how much you say "i'll be careful and wouldn't ever do anything" She is already starting to lean on you for emotional support - telling you about her marriage issue being the sign. This can sneak up on someone where you start to feel protective of her, start sharing things about your marriage in return, start to be her "hero". I have been in your friends shoes and it didn't turn out so well . And we legitimately started out as just "work friends" or a new term I've heard is "work spouse".
I think your wife has a legitimate reason to be concerned and I think out of respect for your wife you should keep your socializing strictly in group settings (could be as couples and could be as a large group of co workers) or in the office (not out to lunch, or drinks).
64Likes
Re: Wife Doesn't Want Me Spending Time With Married Female Friend-Please Comment! 
. And we legitimately started out as just "work friends" or a new term I've heard is "work spouse".
