freddie_fender

Hi,
I have a good friend who I met through my office. She is female and married as well like myself.

We get along great and have gone out at times to different events, drinks, lunches on our own. All four of us once went out as well.

My wife and I don't have much in common with my friends husband, and we're not big socializers, so we haven't gone out with the two of them since.

However, I still like to get together with my friend. My wife finds it very strange that just her and I would get together, and not as couples. I have told my wife that my friend isn't the happiest in her marriage (but I know she would never leave it as she has children), and that unfortunately has led my wife to not trust my friend with me.

My wife says she fully trusts me, it seems to be my friend she doesn't fully trust. I have very little for friends left in my area as they have all moved away. My friendship with my "female friend" means the world to me. It means nothing to me that she is female, and nothing would ever happen...period.

However, I realize it causes my wife severe problems and she doesn't want me to spend anytime with my friend unless it is as couples.

Is it uncommon to spend time with opposite sex married friends? Am I out of line for pushing this (which I am planning to)? Is my wife out of line? Any comments would mean more than you could ever imagine to me. I am really lost on this topic and am quite sad about the whole thing. But maybe I am the one who is wrong. Thank you so much for your time!!!
Cheers,
FF

TNgirl232

Normally I would say No. BUT with the friend having marriage problems you are on a slippery slope. No matter how much you say "i'll be careful and wouldn't ever do anything" She is already starting to lean on you for emotional support - telling you about her marriage issue being the sign. This can sneak up on someone where you start to feel protective of her, start sharing things about your marriage in return, start to be her "hero". I have been in your friends shoes and it didn't turn out so well . And we legitimately started out as just "work friends" or a new term I've heard is "work spouse".

I think your wife has a legitimate reason to be concerned and I think out of respect for your wife you should keep your socializing strictly in group settings (could be as couples and could be as a large group of co workers) or in the office (not out to lunch, or drinks).

freddie_fender

OK, I should note that the marriage problems I mentioned about my friend are not "serious". Just ups and downs of most relationships, and certainly they are on a down now from what she has told me. But perhaps I should not have mentioned that piece of the puzzle, as it is not a large cog in my mind.

Would your opinions be the same with or without that piece of info?

sisters359

Not sharing that information would be a mistake--with your wife, with people giving advice. Sharing information about the state of one's marriage with anyone is a sign of intimacy, of the state of your friendship. Women don't share this information with just anyone, and we know that, so we know that the fact that she is sharing it with you tells us something about the nature of your friendship. (Women may "poke fun" of husbands with other women, without it being intimate--it's sharing a common experience--like how a guy will open a cupboard and say, "where's the XX?" when the XX is right in front of him. This is not about marriage problems; ups and downs that are specific to a particular marriage ARE much more intimate and unlikely to be shared with anyone but close friends).

Now, just because a woman shares that level of intimacy with a male friend, it does not mean that anything is developing. As a woman, I know I have male friends with whom I can share deeply personal, intimate information--and I will NEVER feel a sexual attraction toward them. There are other friends with whom I would never have shared that level of information (when still married) b/c I knew I could feel sexual attraction toward them.

The problem for anyone giving you a reaction to this is, none of us (not even you) really knows whether this friendship has the potential to become something more. Given the level of intimacy you and this friend share, it is not unreasonable that your wife has a concern.

The most obvious solution is to include your wife when you hang out with your friend. There is no reason to insist on it being BOTH couples if that doesn't work. Sometimes the "third wheel" is the perfect configuration--like if your wife's sister hangs out with you and her. This would be another good time for that configuration.

Good luck.

VeryShyGirl

This is something that caught me a little off guard when I first experienced it. My first reaction was "we can't have opposite sex friends? How old are we?" I was the friend that was being cut-off by a wife's demands and it sucked, just seemed like I was losing a great friend because of nonsense and childishness. I think it must have stemmed from existing insecurites in the relationship, at least that's all I can come up with.

I'm passionate about a hobby that consists of 90% males and so naturally almost all of my "buddies" are males. We have a lot of fun together. My husband enjoys the same hobby and is around most of the time too, but not always. I even sleep in a tent with a guy friend without my husband occasionally when he can't make it (I have a little more free time than he does). We trust eachother 100% and our friends are very respectful. Everyone's happy. I make sure my husband knows I have eyes only for him and I think he feels good that the guys know I'm his. SO... it can work but I have no idea if this is "normal".

BUT like I mentioned some of my guy friends have had HUGE problems with their wives. On the one occasion the wife was upset with her husband for hiking with me alone. I felt TERRIBLE, we were just out havin' some good clean fun. I hade no idea somebody could think it was wrong. I'm not sure if it was that she didn't trust him or whether she just couldn't deal with him having a female friend. I have another female friend who has the same hobby and she has similar stories of good guy friends being forbidden to associate with her or else. And in all cases there is nothing going on, not even a chance.

I'm curious to see other responses. My advice is to do everything you can to convince your wife she's the only one for you. Trust is key. If she has doubts, having this kind of female friend will probably never be OK.

HappyAtLast

I have to agree with this 100%. It is how emotional affairs begin.

ICBlueEyes

I don't see anything wrong with married people having friends of the opposite sex as long as they do not let their love and affection toward their spouse fall by the wayside. Just make sure your wife always feels like she's the number one woman in your life by a landslide. If she is confident in this then maybe your relationship with your friend will be easier for her to swallow.

scarletblue

Although I do think it is possible for a man and woman to be friends, it can be difficult. Although you have made it very clear that you don't have feelings for this woman, you have no control over her feelings for you. Even if it is just her venting to you about little things her husband does, she can easily develop a crush or dependance on you.

I think there are two things you should look at here, 1) how would you feel if your wife developed a friendship with another man, including lunches and going out for drinks. Even if you trust your wife completely, do you REALLY know where the other man's head is at? 2) How does the friend's husband feel about this friendship? Is he OK with it? Would he be OK with the things you and his wife discuss?

I have a very close female friend whom I met through my husband. I trust her completely. However, if my husband was going out socially (lunches, drinks) with her and I was not invited, I would be VERY angry.

I understand that you value this friendship, but just how valuable is it? Is it worth making your wife uncomfortable and upset? Whether you are doing anything inappropriate here is not the issue.

HappyHer

Couple's handle relationships with the opposite gender differently, some people are just fine with their husband or wife having friends that are of the opposite sex, and some couples can't handle it. I don't believe this is a right or wrong answer, I believe it's about honoring your partner's feelings.

Your wife the one that should mean the world to you, this friendship should pale in comparison. If that is not the case, then you might want to seriously re-evaluate your marriage.

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freddie_fender

All excellent points, very impressive. I thank you so much.

Yes I absolutely agree my wife is #1. My friend won't come between that. What irks me is that I have to lose a friend because she is female and married.

I have a hard time seeing the problem past the point "if my wife trusts me completely". I have thought about this reversed. And I truly would have no issue with it. Because I trust my wife. Sure, I would have thoughts about not trusting the male friend, but I know my wife. I would have zero concerns with that.

Further irking me is the fact I have next to no friends left in my area. So this friend means a lot to me, to have someone else to hang out (and let me be clear, it is sporadically. Once a month on average). We are not seeing each other every other night or something. And again, reverse the situation, and I wouldn't have an issue with it, especially if my wife expressed the same thoughts of not having many friends to hang out with anymore.

I think time apart is incredibly important to any relationship, ie spending time with family and friends. I really am surprised that my wife has taken the stand she has, and will be very disappointed in having to stop seeing my friend on a one to one basis. I see the other side, I just have a hard time understanding it if you fully trust your spouse.

Any other comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your thoughts to date.

nice777guy

We're all human - and that is why your wife is and should be concerned.

Very few people who have affairs start off with "Have an affair" on a list of things to do - it seems to just kind of happen.

The big red flag is that you mentioned - which means she's confided - that her marriage is on a "down" right now.

I think inviting your wife along is the best thing to do IF you really want to keep this person as a friend. If for some reason you feel you are unable to do this, then you may already have a problem.

Good luck. Be careful.

freddie_fender

No there is nothing sinister at play, no slippery slope.

My wife has come along from time to time. But this friend and I mainly get together just as the two of us, again sporadically, and have attended even a few concerts my wife had not interest in going to. The same as any other friend of mine would...except yes of course, the friend is female and married.

I find some of the comments very intriguing. I now can see where my wife is coming from. But I still find it odd that this would be an issue. If you are committed and trust each other, end of story. Yes things happen. But I could meet someone on a business trip when I am by myself in a foreign city for a week much easier. Point being if you have an issue with this "scenario" of my married female friend, then it should cross over into any other possible scenario. And I don't think that is a healthy relationship. But perhaps I am out to lunch on this one!

TNgirl232

If you were looking just to have a fling - then yes it would be easier to hook up for a one night stand on a business trip BUT that's not what we are talking about here. What she means when she says she doesn't trust the friend is - she doesn't know her and what if you and your wife hit a down time....the other female is there in the wings waiting to listen and make you feel better - its not a planned thing - its a caught up in a moment thing when the emotions go past friendship.

A healthy relationship is one where you don't push your own agenda in a way that will harm the relationship. You are wanting to push something that your wife just isn't comfortable with - do you think she'll just get use to it, get over it? Thinking like that - is it a sign of a 'healthy relationship'. Compromise is a sign of a healthy relationship and NOT hanging out with your friend one on one would be a compromise in this situation. You still have your friend and you make your wife feel secure. I'm not sure why you are fighting that quite so much?

larniegrl

I had a similiar situation with my husband last fall. A female friend from work (albeit she was single with a child) and he got along really well. He nicknamed her his "twin" because they were so much alike...they would primarily hang out in group settings, and I was cool with that. I thought this girl was cool/nice. This friendship was going for months, but it was when they started talking/texting more on the phone that I spoke up.

I didn't think my husband was cheating, but with our relationship already being rocky...I had a feeling that it could easily head that direction. I told my husband that I felt it was a little too "friendly" and if he could step back and not talk/text her as much...that I felt uncomfortable. That was all...he reacted as if I just told to cut her off and never speak to her again...basically told me "I don't care if you don't like this."

Now that was a BIG red flag...I think most women would agree that we don't really care if our men have "girls that are friends"...but it is when our concerns/feelings about the relationship are not heeded...and when you care more about your friend than your wife's comfort...that the real problem starts.

I agree with an above poster...that it would be good if you took your wife along with you for awhile. Don't make this into a huge drama...your marriage is much more important. Plus, your wife will get to know this woman...and then maybe everyone will be friends...problem solved. Do not disregard your wife in this though...you have a right to voice your opinion and concerns...but please show her that her feelings are #1 in this.

Also...maybe get involved with some hobby you enjoy that involves other guys. Find a way to strike up a conversation...having friends are important. Maybe its time to make more.

freddie_fender

Great posts again everyone, I do appreciate it.

Fighting it..well I guess just because I don't see the issue. To me, I repeat to me, it makes no difference if I go to a football game with my male friend or my female friend. They are a friend. Period. Male or female does not matter to me, no more than black or caucasian.

If you trust your spouse fully, why would it matter if your friend is male or female? No matter how emotionally out there the friend might be, whatever clingy situation you can come up with, shoulder to cry on etc., if you trust YOUR spouse its moot. There is no reason to be concerned. Thats my take at least. Funny, I thought I wouldn't get many comments but wow, its been great. Thank you again.