Anyway, so now I have to follow this up with... I am still reading my wifes emails and text messages. Is it anxeity?
And, since I have said I am reading the messages > what did I find? The very next day after establishing the rules that she communicate and go out to lunch or drinks with whomever she decided she wanted to, the very next morning not 30 minutes after she woke up she texts one of the guys that I am uncomfortable with and invites him to lunch! Should this bother me? So soon? Why?
That said, I am considering going back to the counselor (DR)and talking about the suggestion of anxiety meds and may tell her the rest of the information. (Assuming the doctor has a doctor patient obligation not to tell my wife something I divulge, even though she is seeing us as a couple.)
Sure I have a comment.
#1--It sounds like you are expecting your counselor to be a referee. The feeling I get is that you'd like the counselor to say to your wife "You can not do this or that" and probably you wish the counselor would agree with you and tell her to do things your way.
I bring this up because counselors are there to offer counsel...not to be a law enforcement officer. They do not WRITE the laws of your marriage or for you or for your wife--nor do they ENFORCE the laws. And if your wife 100% did not listen to the laws, it is not the counselor's job to "make her" do anything. So my #1 comment is that I think your vision of counseling may not be utterly accurate.
So let me help you clarify okay?
Counselors can not magically "tell what is true." If you come and say "she does this" and she says " I do not" your counselor has no way of knowing what is true or is not. Thus, it's not realistic to go to counseling and expect the counselor to have some sort of god-like ability to divine truth from lie. And it's not the counselor's job to do investigative reporting and find out who's telling the truth either! So that's one expectation that's not precisely realistic. We have to deal with what we are told and do the best we can with the info presented.
Next, our client in marital counseling is not YOU or HER but "the marriage." Thus let's pretend that you were 100% in the wrong in the marriage, and she was 100% right (and it's never that way)--our goal is not to vindicate her right position by crucifying you. Our goal is to help the marriage relationship be stronger...and that is often through helping the individuals to see their issues and deal with them but it's also often through identifying issues in the marriage. Thus it's entirely possible to have one partner who's up and down bipolar (but in therapy and on meds) and another that's codependent but working on it... and the counselor FOR THE MARRIAGE would focus on how they relate, reach agreements, honor agreements, communicate, respect each other etc. Make sense? I wouldn't say "Well the bipolar one is wrong so you codependent one can skate and we're fixing the bipolar one." Nope! That would be individual counseling. Got it?
#2--Your counselor isn't nuts because your wife is free to see and email other men. She is a grown adult and absolutely free to make that choice (AND experience the consequences of that choice). From what I can see, all along you've been trying to manipulate your wife into stopping that, and then manipulate the counselor into telling her to stop it, and then manipulate the counselor into "making her" stop it. Well... no one can "make" another person do anything. (See comment #1 above.)
If your wife is bound and determined to email and see other men, she will. What I'm trying to say is that you can not make her and neither can the counselor make her do anything. The only person you have control over is YOU. You can control YOU.
So rather than saying "Wife, you have to stop emailing other men" that is control. See how you are trying to make a person outside of yourself do something your way? Now many people may agree that emailing other men is "wrong" but if she's determined trying to stop her is controlling her and making her do what she is determined to do. A much wise approach is for you to control YOU! So you'd say, "Wife, you are completely free to do exactly as you please. I would like to request that you stop emailing other men and when you want to email a man you email me! I would like that!
I would like to request that you go out to lunch with me! I would like that too!
But if you choose to do otherwise, that is your choice and I will then make choices about me and what I will and will not allow and have in my intimate, personal life. I want you."
This is called "Setting Boundaries." See what you want to do is to set up a fence around her "You can come to this fence and no further" and set up boundaries on her. You can't do that because you can't control another person. She's free to march into the gates of Hades if that's her choice! Now you may think it's not a wise idea, and you may say "I choose not to go there" but you can not stop her! So "Setting Boundaries" is when you put a fence around YOU! It might be like this "If you choose to march into the gates of Hades, I choose to not follow you there" or "I choose to not allow the gates of Hades into my intimate, personal space." Making sense?
So in this instance, she's free to email other men and go to lunch with them. But there is a cost for choosing that. So for example, setting a boundary might sound something like this: "I do not tolerate infidelity in my intimate personal life, not lying or half-truths." If she chooses to continue to turn to him rather than you (her husband, the man to whom she promised to turn), then you can move to another bedroom, move your paycheck to an account only in your name, stop paying her phone bill for her, etc. In other words, why should you work hard and pay the bill for the cell phone she uses to contact her other man? If she chooses that, she pays for it.
Now...is this making sense?