CAgirl

This is my first post and I really can't believe I am doing this. But I need some feedback. My husband and I have been married almost 10 years and have three young children. The last few years, I have noticed a drop in everything that used to make me feel loved and safe in our relationship. No more hugs or kisses or touching that doesn't result in sex. I read that "5 love languages" book and for me, physical touch is definitely my love language. I will take a hug over a diamond ring any day of the week! I think by nature, my husband is not affectionate. His family is not either. He has to really make an effort. I know what you are going to say - talk to him. I did. Many times. Talked to him face-to-face, wrote him a letter (he says he understands things better in writing, scholarly person that he is). And nothing changes. Sunday night I told him that I need more affection. I repeated that I need it. Not want. Need. He says he is just stressed and tired from work and the kids. Here's the thing guys, I believe him. We have never had any issues in our marriage before this. I truly believe he loves me and IS stressed mainly because of the kids. BUT, if your wife looks you in the eyes and says, I need you to hug me more, wouldn't you get up and give her a hug right then and there and every day after that? It's been 5 days. No hug. No kiss. No touch of any kind. I'm starting to think he doesn't love me anymore. How else can I communicate my needs to him? How can I get some sort of action from him? I sure hope someone out there has some insight. Thanks for listening.

swedish

If he is in a rut with work and kid stress, maybe you both need to focus on having some fun outings together with just the two of you. It sounds like he's lacking down time to laugh and relax.

Do you initiate hugs/kisses/touching? If he is stressed after a long day, he might realize how good it feels to be held tight or to have a massage...if you try giving him what you want, he may just like how it feels and return the favor.

mollyL

it is one of the easiest things in the world, when living through raising kids and the rest of what life has to offer, that hugs and affection gets put on the back burner. This is something that happens very frequently, and it does take some time to bring it back to pre-kid levels. Your husband, especially coming from a family that has problems expressing affection, might find it especially difficult. Here's a scenario that may or may not be true; think about it: could there have been any times that your husband went to kiss or cuddle you, but you had no time? Perhaps you didn't notice? Perhaps it took more struggle than you realised for him to express love, and maybe he felt rebuffed at some point and went back to his old ways? Men, generally, after the birth of children feel fear that they won't be able to measure up to being fathers, especially if their own dad was cold. Men will never tell you they're scared, of course. Perhaps he reached out for you to help him quell his fearful feelings, and you were too busy to notice. I am not meaning this as a put-down, it's something that happens every day in houses with babies and young children. Just think about it, and see if there may not be an element of truth. I do want to honour you for your candor; many of the people who post here spend alot of time trying to justify their side of the story, but you laid yours out very honestly. Here's a suggestion to start the dialogue again, and you'll know whether it works or not, but how about catching him in the hall and putting your arms around him? Maybe you could say something like, "You are such a good daddy to the kids". Try to do this for a week or so, grabbing him in a hug and complimenting him about the kids or some other area that he does a good job at. Good luck to your family.

CAgirl

Swedish and Molly - Thank you for taking the time to reply. You both made great points. While my job requires some late-nights on the computer, I haven't considered myself "unavailable" to him. But he did make a comment about how I am always busy on the computer. Sometimes I'm not busy, just surfing because that's better than feeling ignored in a room with him. Also, I guess I haven't been really taking the initiative. I've been sort of "keeping score." Seeing how long it will be before the next touch. That's not really fair to him. I want the affection to be HIS idea SO badly. Thanks for the advice. Glad I posted.

GAsoccerman

Hey CA girl, Like you I been married slightly over 10 years, we also ahve three children.

Both my wife and I work and have fulltime jobs that are demanding. Plus I coach two of our Children's Soccer teams, we run Girl scouts at our house, Plus I am our HOA president, plus we are the neighborhood "hang out" for the children.

So we are very busy people...

But my wife can not walk by me without me touching her in some way, you see I am the Needy one, I need the touching, the physical love. But I take charge of it. I will grab her tush or chest, I will "corner her" and make out with her, while the kids are in the other room. I will make comments in her ear, naughty comments at that. But the point is, I do not wait for her to do it, not her style, even though sometimes she does it, but after 10 years she has grown accustom to me doing it, and if i Do NOT do it, she asks what is wrong?

I mean when we were first dating she was "no PDA" no public display of affection.....that didn't last long, I am very persistent.

But anyway, my advice is...YOU DO IT! you grab his tush, you whisper naughty thought's in his ear at the point where he knows you can't do anything, Say like you have guests over, your in the kitchen with him, you lean over and whisper into his ear, " I really wish we could go upstairs right now so I could **** your brains out" maybe nibble on the ear, give a wink. while you know nothing can happen...in his mind the "wheels will start turning" in his brain until he can hardly wait until he get's you upstairs.

Wear suggestive clothing when it is just you and him home, You need to be the "spark" trust me there are many times where my wife can be on the PC, and I can walk up behind her and kiss her neck, and whisper something.....next thing I know we are heaing upstairs for a quickie.

So that is what I suggest, you take control and do some little things that will spice it up. Walk by him and grab his manhood, say something like, "Hmmmm yummy I would like to lick it"

Something you would never say normally, buy some whip cream, pull it out of the fridge, pull it out one night and causual say to your hubby...So you want to go upstairs and lick this off of me?

Again if your not getting what you want, be suggestive, and just "telling him" you need more will not work, My wife will not initate (sp?) sex, it has to come from me, it is just not in her nature, luckily I am ver suggestive all the time and it has grown on her, so once in a blue moon when she is horny, she will do the same thing to me, which works out in her favor everytime.

Best of luck, communitcating is great, but sometimes you ahve to take the bull by the horns and take control.

CAgirl

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your responses. GAsoccerman - it was especially good to hear a man's point of view. You are all saying the same thing: if i want it, I have to go get it myself. I'm going to give it my absolute best shot. Thank you, thank you!