It feels like someone took a knife and stub my heart!!!

tia41 · 03-13-2010, 08:51 AM

A few days ago I started a thread about my husband talking to a woman. I have been married with him for 19 years and adjusted to his schedule and at times had not social life and I was always there made sure he knew how much I loved him and appreciated him. I did everything to please him and his family took so much abuse by the in laws never bothered him about it. I was strong and kept loving and kept giving. 19 years later I find out that he felt I was pushing him away and wasn't there for him. Hello what happened to all those years? If you feel that you are unhappy with your other half don't they deserve to know that. He should have come to me to let me know what I was doing wrong not talking to an other woman. It hurts to know that. Maybe I wish I should have never seen the messages and knew about it. It feels like someone took a knife and stub my heart. We talked about it and he claims it was nothing and he loves me. I believe he loves me what I can't believe is that he found comfort in talking to someone else and he did not come to me to begin with to address the problem. I feel so hurt and it will take sometime to heal and I don't know if I can or should forget about it like he says to put it in the past but I will try. I just want to be feel good and not hurt why do I hurt so much? Is it because I took him for granted and I thought that something like that could never happen to us? I have dedicated myself to him and our 4 children and how come he feels that I pushed him away and was not there? Is so hard to understand that I might have done it but I was having my own issues dealing with everything and everyone and I felt that he was so much in to his work and never home to help me and do anything with me like movies walking something fun that all couples do. I give give and maybe could not give anymore. Talking really helps knowing the truth really hurts. I guess that's what makes us human.

63Vino · 03-13-2010, 09:59 AM

Hey tia,

I think you might be (based on what /how you wrote) overreacting a bit. After that many years in marriage its not uncommon for one spouse or the other to start "talking" to someone outside. Also be VERY careful about what you're saying. MEANING you're saying that you did so much.. were there for him etc.. BIG question is, were/are you there for him in the way YOU define or him?
Lack of communication seems very apparent and that also is very common in marriage... life sneaks up on you and you get caught up in that and yes...take for granted your spouse.
Dont cry over "spilled milk".. You husband COULD be saying yes.. i dont love you anymore and i want to divorce... THAT would be knife in the heart. Although things are nto "perfect" at the moment, seems you have an opporunity... that is.
Sit around and think about all this knife business or you can pick yourself up and have some candid discussions with hubby, explaining that you want him and you to be totally happy so that he's not drawn to someone else.. Take resposnibilty. Find out what that means for both of you... Dont decide yourself what he needs..ask him..

May be at times that one or the other has to suck it up and drive the relationship back together or closer.. Thats love hun.

IF he's willing, and sounds like he may be... start talking OPENLY. If you're "freaking out", he's probably not likely to be honest. Try some counseling.

I knwo ive responded to a couple other threads of yours and always,,,, responses are based on how you write. Seems here you do have a shot...dont lament over the past... you're both here now.

all the best

cody5 · 03-13-2010, 10:02 AM

All I can advise is to not feel bad that you think you pushed him into this relationship. It is one of the top 5 cheaters reactions to being caught: blame your spouse. It's the most BS of the reactions in that you not only feel bad about the affair, but he's too chickens.h.i.t to suck it up and take the heat. Worse, he puts the blame for your pain on YOU, not him where it belongs. That's almost worse than the inappropriate relationship.

tia41 · 03-13-2010, 07:00 PM

63Vino Thank you for the advice and you did answer some of the other threads I posted. It always comforting to read and get advice from someone else.