Is Selfishness the Common Denominator All Marital Problems?

DeeKay1 · 03-14-2010, 11:53 AM

I am one who believes that, to some extent, SELFISHNESS, on the part of the husband or wife, or possibly both, is a common denominator among couples who have experienced marital problems.

While I'm not saying that SELFISHNESS is necessarily the primary or single cause of marital problems, I strongly suspect that it is a contributing factor.

For those of you who have experienced marital problems:

(1) Did SELFISHNESS, either on your part, the part of your spouse, or on the part of both of you, contribute to your marital problems?

(2) If so, what was the specific "SELFISH ACT (or ACTS)" that contributed to the marital problems?

sisters359 · 03-14-2010, 12:05 PM

We all have a right to be "selfish," because we are, ultimately, the only ones who can influence the direction of our lives.

The difference is, when selfishness is about immediate/short-term results vs. "the long haul."

Did selfishness enter into my marital collapse? Of course. First, I was guilty of agreeing to marry someone I was not that attracted to, b/c I was afraid of being alone-totally selfish. He deserved better. I thought I could manage it, however, by devoting myself to treating him lovingly and cherishing him. I naively expected the same in return. He was guilty of selfishness--pretty much as a way of life--a mentality of, "well, you married me, you are stuck with me, so I really don't have to treat you as the person I cherish above all others." There was no abuse in an "active" sense, but a lot in a passive sense--my needs, my wants, were never important. And I mean, never.

So yep, selfishness-with a short-term view point--is pretty culpable in the collapse of at least one marriage, mine.

artieb · 03-14-2010, 03:45 PM

Selfishness is the cause of many problems.

There's a difference between "selfishness", "enlightened self-interest", and "self-advocacy". The first one is at the expense of others. The second recognizes that your relationships with others are part of your own benefit, and takes them into account for yourself. The third accepts the value and rightful interest of other people, but also that if you never pursue your own benefit that your relationships will falter because you will feel disrespected.

New Beginnings · 03-14-2010, 05:08 PM

I believe selfishness is a huge influence on your relationship in general. It is also a very loose term as I think it can be demonstrated in your putting your own needs in front of your spouses. It can be in not prioritizing your family needs, both with your immediate household as well as your external household family. Ie in laws as well as your blood relatives. If that makes any sense. My wife highly values her family so I make a point of putting those needs above my own. But my wife also understands my own selfishness in wanting to have my household come first at some point. This is taxing on me but I know what it means to her so I put her needs before my own with the understanding that I will need her to put us first too when the opportunity is there.

I will say in my first marriage I failed misserably at not prioritizing these things properly. It contributed to that relationship collapsing. In fact I would say it was the most influential part of that failed marriage. I take full responsibility for those actions as well. So today I make a point of not being overly selfish. Do I still act selfish? Yep, but in a completely different way than before by making a conciouse effort to think of her needs before my own and I know that she recognizes this and appreciates my sacrifices.
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DeeKay1 · 03-14-2010, 06:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by artieb

Selfishness is the cause of many problems.

There's a difference between "selfishness", "enlightened self-interest", and "self-advocacy". The first one is at the expense of others. The second recognizes that your relationships with others are part of your own benefit, and takes them into account for yourself. The third accepts the value and rightful interest of other people, but also that if you never pursue your own benefit that your relationships will falter because you will feel disrespected.

Artie,

The definition of selfishness is as follows: "devoted to or caring for only oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others."

So, based on that, how would you answer the question to my original post?

artieb · 03-14-2010, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DeeKay1

The definition of selfishness is as follows: "devoted to or caring for only oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others."

So, based on that, how would you answer the question to my original post?

I avoid saying "all", because a counterexample often appears shortly afterwards.

Better to say "selfishness is a major cause of marital problems", or the like.

troubledwife · 03-16-2010, 01:34 PM

Selfishness is definitely the problem that my husband and I have. He is selfish and I am not. I am kidding of course. We are both very selfish, and have to deal with the selfishness of our parents as well. My husband is selfish in that he always wants time to just himself. And, I am selfish in that I want him to help me out around the house more. We all have times where we think we give more than we recieve. The opposite of selfish is selfless, and is there really ever a selfless act? Something that is done with no gain of our own? Even if we do something that is pleasing to our spouse, we are still hoping to get rewarded for that act.