Am I Crazy????

rdurham77 · 05-03-2008, 04:12 PM

well here goes....
i have necer done this before and kinda feel wierd about it but hopefully someone out there can give me some advice that will actually help

i will also try to keep this as short a posiable but give enough info that you can help me

My fiancee' is my absolute dream come true....there is no doubt about that in my mind.but with that said here is where i am having problems..
first of all part of the problem is me, i have lived a very rough and and not normal life growing up and even since then really. i mean some really terriable things have happened to me, that really i won't go into here other than to say that they have happened. I also am not using that as an excuse for any actions that i may have ever had just that it is part of who i am
when me and her first started and honestly up untill a few months ago things were perfect...she was (and is) my life and she made it seem as if i was hers. she ahd two children wich never did concern me and dosn't now
i mean absolutly perfect....we would close the bar where she works and dance alone to the jukebox untill the early hours of the morning and sometimes even with no music..you know just being together....i would massage her every night......write her love letters and poetry all the time...i would do the laundry and house work so that we had time to spend together when we were off instead of doing chores....
i would plan special nights just for the two of us so that we had time to grow together etc......
but it always seemed and especially now that i was never doing enough and all that special time was only important to me
we don't really have relations together anymore unless in some way i make her feel guilty for not doing which i don't do intentionally but it happens when we are talking
anyhow she used to call me al the time just to say hi and stuff and would always ask that i come to the bar and help her close so that we could spend more time together
then suddenly she got mad and asked me to stop comeing to the bar and so i did
but she did ask that i stay up and wait for hwer to get home and i did every night but then she started coming home later and later and yeah i won't lie i thought something was going on
and now today she says that she wants a break.....she says that she loves me with all her heart and doesn't want me to leave and part of that is because of how much i mean to the kids but that she doesn't understand why she treats me so badly and wants a break from me to try and figure it out.

to me that sounds like she wants to be free to run around and act single while i work and stay home and take care of the kids it treally does sound like to me that she is or is going to run around and cheat ( but it's not cheating if we're on a break???)
while i sit at the house and wait for her to come to her senses

she has never made special plans for us and and acts like spending quality time with me is an inconvience to her schedule

maybe i'm just crazy what do you all think

draconis · 05-03-2008, 09:49 PM

Being on a break never helps, and it is bad in my eyes. A couple needs to know how to handle rough patches.

draconis

Russell · 05-03-2008, 10:08 PM

Draconis has it right. If your going to work things out, you gotta find out where she is going after the bar is closed. Sounds like another guy is involved to me, but I may just be suspicious after my own experience with my own wife.

rdurham77 · 05-03-2008, 10:14 PM

thanks guys but that brings up another question am i blaming her for things that happened in my past and is that fair

GAsoccerman · 05-03-2008, 10:38 PM

I do not thingk your crazy, But I agree with the other two. Rough patches need to be worked out, just have her tell you teh truth, if she is involved with some one else then move on. If not try and communicate and work it out.

Best of luck

draconis · 05-04-2008, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rdurham77

thanks guys but that brings up another question am i blaming her for things that happened in my past and is that fair

Every new person deserves a clean slate. I have been cheated on in the past by exs but it isn't right to think my wife of ten years is cheating on me. She deserves the benefit of the doubt, and my trust. To my knowledge she has never cheated and it would be unfair to think that she would or that it was simply a matter of time.

draconis

happilymarried67 · 05-06-2008, 10:38 PM

I don't think that you are crazy. I do believe that she might be torn between you liking her children and what she wants for herself. What you are describing sounds like something I did when I was trying to break from a relationship and go into a new relationship at the same time. Not a very easy thing to get out of for her or you. But I think you already know this. Everyone has baggage in a relationship. You have to be able to communicate and work through the hard times to have the good times. There is no fairytale happily ever after, it takes hard work to get there. If there is a lack of willingness to make things work on her part, then I would say you best move on. Just a thought

pigpen · 05-07-2008, 04:33 AM

I rather suspect that all of your attentions were smothering.
Poems, love letters and who knows what all are wonderful - but a little goes a long way. After a while, when you hear too much of the same stuff one tends to not believe it. It all becomes so much of a chore that you have to react in a natural way. You cant react naturally because it has all been done before. Like a well rehersed play. It simply is no longer special.

Also, I mean this as kind observation. Please do not take offense. But constant attention can be a subtle way to control the behavior of the one you love. It is a bit like killing them with kindness.

I wont speculate if your girl friend is seeing someone else - and frankly, unless you ask her out right, you should not either. That is just adding fuel to the situation. No matter if you are right or wrong about it that kind of fuel turns into resentment. Resentment is damaging and is the hardest to repair. Dont let it brew. Ask her if she is, ask her why and be open to her answers.

stav · 05-07-2008, 04:41 AM

Perhaps all the bad things that have happened to you before are colouring your thoughts on this too. Unless you know for sure that she is cheating on you, then give her the benefit of the doubt, and your trust.

I think pigpen has a point saying that maybe you are overdoing it with the attention. Things that have happened to you in the past, may be making you over compensate in the constant declaration of your love.

I also agree with Draconis, that a break is probably not going to help you solve your problems.. suggest setting a side a specific time when you can both freely and honestly discuss any issues you have. Let her know that you are willing to listen, and accept her point of view without judging.

A session with a professional counsellor may help get you both started.