Wanting a baby but don't think it will ever happen - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-15-2010, 09:59 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Wanting a baby but don't think it will ever happen

My wife and I have been married over 10 years and have been together almost 12 years. All that time we have been together we never used protection. We got married in 1999 and soon after that we started talking about starting that family. Now she has had problems with her all of her life and it. She was diagnoised with CAH when she was young and she was put on steriods for most of her life. It wasn't until she was about to graduate from high school that she stopped taking the steroids. She wanted to be able to have kids. The steroids were keeping here cycles somewhat regular but it would also make it difficult for her to concieve. Well we went to a Reproductive Endochronologist in Kansas City. She of course wen through all the poking and proding after a couple of visits up there the doctor said it looked like she was ovulating and to go home and try for 6 months. Well 6 months go by and we head back up there feeling defeated the doctor runs a couple of more tests and while waiting for the results tells us to go home and keep trying. Well that was the last time we went up there. We let the subject rest for a couple of years and I bring it up again.

This time we went to an OB/GYN office that a friend of ours was going to that was going through the same problems. She runs through the standard tests again with this new doctor but this time he includes me in on the tests. I was tested and found out that I have borderline low count but they have ADHD as well, meaning that after an hour or so they slow down and start doing their own thing I guess. She tried the Clomid a few times but found out that she would never drop the egg. She tried the horomone shots that were expensive since insurance won't cover the cost of it, bastards. They will cover the cost of an abortion but not the cost for infertility, stupid SOBs. She did the first round of shots and then we did an IUI well it didn't take cuz we found out that her tubes we both clogged up. She went into the procedure to have them unclogged and they wouldn't let me in there. She said it was the most painful thing she has ever experiences. They got one tube unclogged but the other will stay clogged. Now we are having to try and time it so that the side that was unclogged will get the egg. We went through 2 more rounds and she said she was done. It was too much for her to take and I told her ok. We got a false positive one time and that almost devistated her and me at the same time. We were talking about planning for the baby's room and stuff. She goes to the doctor to comfirm and they said that it was a false positive probably from the hormone shots.

Next we looked at foster care in our area. We went through the classes that the state requires that we take before we can become foster parents. We were on the last class and on a break and we went outside and talked. The whole premis of the foster parent classes was about reunification with the parents. We both agreed that we were not in the best frame of mind to be able to put up with a parent that was cooking meth, abusing their children, molesting them, etc and have to sit across from them in a meeting to help them get their kid(s) back. We bumped into the instructor a month or two later and she asked us why we stopped so short. We told her the same thing as stated above and she respected that. I told here that the fostering program to me was about providing what is best for the child. I can't do that if I am not willing to help their parents out.

Next we looked at just all out adoption. We were reading up on it checking out different adoption agencies and seeing that it costs just as much to buy a brand new car or starter home to adopt a child. What is even worse is that in the USA if the mother of the child that she gives up for adoption wants the child back or changes her mind at the last minute there is nothing to stop her and then we are out all that money. We watch the newstories on TV about the adoption scams and that got us worried. I can understand the laws and regulations about screening potential parents. i just think that they have made it too hard and too expensive so that the only the elite can afford to adopt. I know that with the tax credits that I get from adoption plus my job helps out with the costs. The only problem is that you have to shell out the money first. When the economy took that downturn, my wife quit her job cuz it was physical making her sick cuz her boss was the biggest prick on the planet. She tried a couple of other jobs out for a short time but the employeers and her I guess didn't mesh well so they let her go. Now we are facing a bankruptcy because of the income difference. It is like that God has it out to get us or something. I see all the babies being born to those that are druggies, lowlifes, criminials that could give two sh*ts about their kids. We just want one and we can't have it. I want a baby where I can lay down and have them on my chest and watch them sleep. I want a child that I can teach the things that my father taught me. i remember holding my nephew for hours when he was a baby and I want that back so bad. I want to know that the child is ours. Seeing this happen to us has made me lose any religon that I once had. Any faith that I had in God is all but gone because he lets those that don't deserve the children have them while he lets us suffer. If that makes me selfish then so be it.

I am sorry about the vent at the end but it is something that I have kept bottled up for a long time. I do not trash anyones religon but just know that I am not subscribing to any right now. My faith is gone in God so I guess that is why he hates me so much.

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2010, 12:08 AM
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Re: Wanting a baby but don't think it will ever happen

Please don't lose hope. My prayers are with you and your family.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-16-2010, 12:09 AM
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Re: Wanting a baby but don't think it will ever happen

Please know, God does not hate you, and YOU are NOT selfish. Why these awful things happen in life, I will NEVER understand, most of us won't. UNtil maybe someday, after all of these trials, you have that son or daughter, whether biologically or a child who needs a home, then and only then, may it all make sense. But the waiting, not knowing, financial burden for acheiving this dream, is complete and utter torment.

I really feel for your situation, it made me cry.

I am someone who did struggle with ALOT of anger because of infertility in years past. And mine was secondary infertility (my problem was adhesions after a c-section binding up my tubes) but I did not know this until many tests yrs later & almost 7 yrs trying to conceive. Even with just ONE child, I was VERY angry & I am sure that makes me a Monster in someone's eyes who is desperate for just ONE ! Forgive me , just being honest. I had very little family, no siblings, so I was obsessed with having more children.

I became very angry with God as time went on, and it didnt help that the church I attended believes God will answer all of your prayers if you have enough/sufficient faith, so I obviously felt my prayers were hitting the ceiling -for 6 years. That kind of atmosphere is Hell while going through something like this, you are left feeling it is almost your fault (lack of faith) when things do not work out. I needed to get out of that, cause it was making things worse for me.

At one point, I refused to go to friends birthday parties, I quit church. I was a mess. We also looked into the things you & your wife did, foster care, adoption, but didnt pursue it. I got so tired of hearing I needed to relax, I wanted to take someone's head off.

And in the midst of this great Anger with my Creator & this situation, He still allowed me to conceive. I had ZERO faith and goodness still came. I went on to have another 5 kids biologically. I am just sharing this to say - although the anger may not be helping you cope, I know it took a toll on me & my poor husband who had to put up with me, even my child probably suffered cause I was depressed to some degree.

IF there is a GOD, he understands your pain, He is NOT mad at you. AND YOU ARE NOT SELFISH for feeling this way! You want to love & cherish a child with all of your being, YOU are far from selfish, get that thought out. If you didn't feel this way, I would think something was wrong with you!! This is NOT fair!!
I am no longer a Christian myself, but it was not because of this. Although my situation proves you do not have to be "in faith" to have goodness come your way. Anger with God was a constant with me during that time.

You sound like a wonderful husband. Your wife is blessed.

Fertility has never made sense to me personally. I have seen the craziest things - one friend was told she was not able to conceive, they adopted from another country, and a few years later, she conceived -completey a shock. They tried on their own for over 10 yrs. But they are so thankful NOW because they also have this beautiful daughter from China to love in their family. And each child has a sister.

May you reach your dreams.

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 03-16-2010 at 12:28 AM.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-25-2010, 08:19 PM
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Re: Wanting a baby but don't think it will ever happen

Wow! Everyone has given you some awesome advice and encouragement. I, too, will tell you to maintain your faith and turn to God. I have endured more suffering over the past four years than I could ever have imagined. If someone had told me what I would be facing, I would have said "no way". But these trials have made me a much stronger person.

There are also many Bible passages dealing with patience. Everything happens according to God's schedule. Things don't happen WHEN we want them to. Sometimes other events have to occur before our prayers can be answered. I have definitely learned patience from my ordeal.

My husband and I dealt with the fertility problems over 20 years ago as well. There again we didn't get to choose the time table for the pregnancies. Our prayers were eventually answered though. Our son is 19 and our twin daughters are 16 now. HAVE FAITH! Remember what Abraham and Sarah went through in the Book of Genesis.

Although I have a lot of medical knowledge, I can't remember what CAH stands for. I do have some ideas....just wondering if the specialist covered everything. Good luck to you and wishing you all the best.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-03-2010, 11:00 AM
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Re: Wanting a baby but don't think it will ever happen

Hi, Moguywithmogirl. I understand your frustration. My wife and I also can't seem to have a kid. We are at the end of the fertility spectrum, since we married late in life, and the years are not kind. We married about two-and-a-half years ago and she got pregnant rather easily - about four months after our wedding. Unfortunately, she miscarried six weeks in and nothing's happened since. We've seen fertility doctors and had a battery of tests and procedures. After it was all said and done, they gave us a 1% chance of successfully conceiving on our own. That's a clinical way of saying 'forget about it.' My wife's ovarian reserve is too low. She's 42 and there's no turning the clock back for us. She's not interested in IVF (they would only consider using a donor egg in our case) and doesn't want to adopt. Which is just as well because we can't afford either option. We are still trying and about nine months ago she employed a traditional Chinese medicine practitioner for acupuncture and herbal remedies. I don't think it's going to help. It hasn't so far, and we've been going for a while now. I told my wife we're going to have stop because we can't afford to do it indefinitely and it just seems like a waste of money at this point. I try to be supportive, but I am the sole bread-winner and money is tight - which makes me realize how hard it would be to support a child if we could have one.

I can't believe I'm never going to be a father, but it's clear to me now it's not going to happen. It's just the cold reality of my life. It makes sense. We got started too late and we can't play catch-up. I get depressed, though, when I accept I won't be a dad. It feels like my life is over in many ways, even though it's not. I wonder how I'm going to handle not having a child as I get even older. I wonder what effect it will have on my marriage and how my wife will cope. It's a primal human desire and it's wired into us to want this, no matter what. I can get quite mired down in self-pity and life is pretty gloomy when I let it be. As you pointed out, there is no shortage of unfit parents popping kids out left and right, while people who would run through a brick wall to have a child and be good parents can't have kids. This is almost like God or life is rubbing salt in the wound. It hurts to see other pregnant women and couples walking around the mall or whatever with their beautiful kids. It just doesn't seem fair, does it?

So what to do? How do you deal with this effectively so that you can get on with the business of living your life?

One thing I've come to terms with is that there is more to life than having a kid. Talk is cheap in this regard, but it really is true. Having a kid will not solve any problem other than the dilemma of procreation. Parenthood has to be a wonder, no doubt, but it is not the totality of any one person's existence, or at least it shouldn't be. If this door is closed, go find the one that is open and try to make things good for yourself and others. If that doesn't help, then consider that life isn't fair and never has been. Some people win big with kids while others get snake eyes. That's just how it goes. Get some perspective on your situation. If all that is wrong is that you can't have a kid, then really, you're pretty well off. If you are able to read this, then realize a huge chunk of Earth's population would likely trade places with you in heartbeat because they live in an oppressive rat-hole with no hope of changing their fate. What has helped me tremendously is to have a sense of gratitude for what I do have. I am thankful I have my wonderful wife, a job, a home and my health. It is easy to feel sorry for myself, for my wife and anyone who can't have a kid. I certainly sympathize with those struggling the same way we are, but I also think at some point you just accept it and move on. Hope is a great thing, but it's important not to get delusional - and there is often a fine line between the two.

I posted the paragraph above recently on another forum and I believe it to be true. It has done wonders for me, even though I still struggle with feelings of anger, jealousy, resentment and sadness. Those feelings don't ever go away entirely, I'm afraid, but I do think it helps to think on what I wrote above. I realize everyone is unique and what works for me may not do anything for you. The main thing I have found is to get your mind off of the one impossible problem that you cannot solve and engage things in the here-and-now.

I hope you don't let your particular situation make you bitter. I was well on my way down that path, but saw that it was only making things worse. It didn't lead me any closer to having a child and it choked the joy out of the other 99% of my life. Please know I feel the pain and frustration you and your wife are experiencing and wish you healing and hopefully an answer to your prayers and wishes. You are not alone. Life still has so much to offer you. Good luck!
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-03-2010, 04:31 PM
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Re: Wanting a baby but don't think it will ever happen

I know you want your own baby, if I understood the statement correctly.

I am a mother of three. Married both times. I am divorced 3 times as well.

I am pregnant right now, I would say probably 6-8 weeks. I don't want to have the baby I do not to abort the baby either... I have done it a few times before. I always said I could not give up a baby I carried for nine months. That opinion is changing very quickly. I could not care for this baby, the same way I have not been able to be the best mother to my other 3. I am not a drug addict, the most I have ever done was experiment. I do have custody of my eight yearl old son, but because I had work 6 days a week 8-12 hr days. He hated goinh to work with me and I don't blame him. He asked me about 4 mos ago if he could live with his father. I said yes... well he's with his father and happy. I am not, but what could I really offer him. I am torn up everyday that as my life goes on and each year that passes I have not done anything for my children, other than what I feel is completely failed them. Well this one, I don't want to fail. I am looking into the realm of adoption. I don't know if it is legal, but I don't want my name on the birth certificate.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense to anyone reading. I am confused and ...
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-07-2010, 06:47 PM
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Re: Wanting a baby but don't think it will ever happen

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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-10-2010, 10:47 PM
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Re: Wanting a baby but don't think it will ever happen

Yes, but it could also be a scam. Please be careful.

One can become a foster parent and refuse to accept children until TPR has occurred (termination of parental rights). These children are legally available for adoption and sometimes are very young, under 2. If you foster with the idea of waiting for a child where TPR has occurred, you will make a lot of connections and learn more about kids, you'll be helping out a child or two who needs a safe, stable home for a few years, and you may find it much easier to find YOUR child. My one sister does medical foster care, and my other sister adopted two children from that care--because of the close connection, the agency in charge saw my 2nd sister and her husband as the best adoptive option b/c it kept the child connected with our family, whom they had known ever since entering with sister 1 in medical foster care. While both kids are special needs, they are not wheel-chair bound or anything remotely like that--they are physically healthy with some learning issues and a few other things, but very intelligent and great kids to have in the family. My oldest son (bio) has very similar issues and I was healthy as a horse in pregnancy--there is no guarantee. I have another bio child and one we adopted from Cambodia (no longer possible).

If you want a child in your life, you can make it happen--it will take time and commitment (esp. if finances are challenged right now). Plan, fund raise, talk to people--network. Providing foster care for kids you know you cannot plan to adopt is very different and very rewarding, and it gets you "in the system" to find your own child, too. It is a win-win.

I'm likely to foster down the road, b/c I love kids. I've met and loved a number of kids my sister has fostered, and all our lives have been enriched. Reunification w/birth family is generally the goal, but not always possible. My niece was reunified with her birthmother after my sister got her medically stable and normal weight (failure to thrive child), and 6 mo. later, she was right back in our family, and then the state followed through with TPR. She's 12 and an amazing kid!

Please do not give up. If you want to parent, there is a child who needs a parent. Those of us who have done it both ways (bio and adoption) know that it does NOT make a difference. Good luck along your path--keep your eyes on the prize, and it will happen.
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