Re: Wanting a baby but don't think it will ever happen
Please know, God does not hate you, and YOU are NOT selfish. Why these awful things happen in life, I will NEVER understand, most of us won't. UNtil maybe someday, after all of these trials, you have that son or daughter, whether biologically or a child who needs a home, then and only then, may it all make sense. But the waiting, not knowing, financial burden for acheiving this dream, is complete and utter torment.
I really feel for your situation, it made me cry.
I am someone who did struggle with ALOT of anger because of infertility in years past. And mine was secondary infertility (my problem was adhesions after a c-section binding up my tubes) but I did not know this until many tests yrs later & almost 7 yrs trying to conceive. Even with just ONE child, I was VERY angry & I am sure that makes me a Monster in someone's eyes who is desperate for just ONE ! Forgive me , just being honest. I had very little family, no siblings, so I was obsessed with having more children.
I became very angry with God as time went on, and it didnt help that the church I attended believes God will answer all of your prayers if you have enough/sufficient faith, so I obviously felt my prayers were hitting the ceiling -for 6 years. That kind of atmosphere is Hell while going through something like this, you are left feeling it is almost your fault (lack of faith) when things do not work out. I needed to get out of that, cause it was making things worse for me.
At one point, I refused to go to friends birthday parties, I quit church. I was a mess. We also looked into the things you & your wife did, foster care, adoption, but didnt pursue it. I got so tired of hearing I needed to relax, I wanted to take someone's head off.
And in the midst of this great Anger with my Creator & this situation, He still allowed me to conceive. I had ZERO faith and goodness still came. I went on to have another 5 kids biologically. I am just sharing this to say - although the anger may not be helping you cope, I know it took a toll on me & my poor husband who had to put up with me, even my child probably suffered cause I was depressed to some degree.
IF there is a GOD, he understands your pain, He is NOT mad at you. AND YOU ARE NOT SELFISH for feeling this way! You want to love & cherish a child with all of your being, YOU are far from selfish, get that thought out. If you didn't feel this way, I would think something was wrong with you!! This is NOT fair!!
I am no longer a Christian myself, but it was not because of this. Although my situation proves you do not have to be "in faith" to have goodness come your way. Anger with God was a constant with me during that time.
You sound like a wonderful husband. Your wife is blessed.
Fertility has never made sense to me personally. I have seen the craziest things - one friend was told she was not able to conceive, they adopted from another country, and a few years later, she conceived -completey a shock. They tried on their own for over 10 yrs. But they are so thankful NOW because they also have this beautiful daughter from China to love in their family. And each child has a sister.
May you reach your dreams.
Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 03-16-2010 at 12:28 AM.