confused, need help: crush on a married man
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Old 05-04-2008, 09:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question confused, need help: crush on a married man

I had a crush with a married American man last year during our working together here in China. He is only one year younger than my FATHER. He seems to be care a lot about me, as whenever he comes to China, he would travel to visit me in my own city. Last year during our date, we kissed passionately. It was my first adult kiss with a man. But later I told him to keep a distance since he'd already had his own family, wife and a one-year-old son (For me, it hurt to ask him to do so). Yet, he continued coming to see me, keeping a distance though.
I really don't know what does he expect in our relationship? Does he want only friendship? or more? My interpertation is that he really cherish the friendship, that's why he tried not to go any further in order not to ruin our friendship.
What do you think? Is there any cultural specific aspects that I do not know?Do you think I should stop such a confusing relationship?
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Old 05-04-2008, 10:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: confused, need help: crush on a married man

Some people will simply take more if they can or if they feel they can get away with it.

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Old 05-05-2008, 03:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: confused, need help: crush on a married man

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Originally Posted by chinalady View Post
Last year during our date, we kissed passionately. It was my first adult kiss with a man.
Just curious.. How old are you?
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Old 05-05-2008, 06:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: confused, need help: crush on a married man

Interesting. I don't know if I'm the best person to answer this or not as I am 100% against cheating on your spouse for any reason so in my mind I am already pre-judging the man. However, I am a white guy who lived in Asia (Korea, Japan, and Hong Kong) until I was 20, so I know a bit about cultural differences. While it can be socially acceptable in parts of Asia for a married man to have a girlfriend on the side, it is pretty much never socially acceptable for an American man to have one. I can name half a dozen men my family knew as I grew up that openly had girlfriends outside their marriage, but I cannot think of one single man I know here in the US that has one.

I do not know this man and the sort of relationship he has with his wife, but my honest guess is that he is just biding his time, willing to take whatever you give him and secretly hoping you eventually decide to go further. Even if he is honestly backing off, the mere fact that he is putting himself in position to be tempted when he is married and has a kid, well, by American standards, that's pretty low. Here is probably what you can expect:
  • It is highly unlikely he will leave his wife and his child for you, so you would never be more than someone he comes and sees now and then for a few days of intimacy.
  • His wife would be crushed if she knew he was having an affair and odds are it would end in a not too happy divorce that would have a huge (and negative) impact on his kid. Now, his wife may never find out, but is harming her and their child a risk you can live with?
  • Whatever intimacy you do end up sharing with him will only last so long as his job gives him the opportunity to travel to China.
  • It's a dead end relationship that you might end up spending years of your life on him when you could be searching for something far more honest and fulfilling.
Could I be wrong? Sure, but the odds are not in your favor. You are not married, so it's bit easier of a choice for you as you won't be affecting any life but your own (assuming his wife never finds out that is...seriously, think long and hard about that.)

No matter what you decide, understand that the chances of this having a happy ending for you are not very good, no matter how honest and nice this man is to you.

Last edited by BlueCreek; 05-05-2008 at 06:48 PM.
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Old 05-05-2008, 07:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: confused, need help: crush on a married man

After re-reading you post, it appears you have already made up your mind not to allow the relationship to advance further beyond friendship, and if that is the case, I commend you for that. Personally, I honestly think you should cut off the relationship completely.

But the real question is are you ok with it. Are you ok having a continuing relationship with someone you know you are attracted to, who you know is attracted to you, but that should never go further? And are you sure, knowing how you feel about him, that you can maintain your distance? Because if you can't, I guarantee you he will take whatever you end up being willing to give. You need to decide if you are going to be able to shift it back to a straight friendship and keep it there. You also need to decide if this status-quo sort of relationship is going to prevent you from finding or falling for anyone else.
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Old 05-05-2008, 10:04 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Smile Sepecial thanks to BlueCreek

Hello BlueCreek,
I appreciate your reply very much. You won't know how much you've helped clear my thoughts. I'll not let any of these cases happen,
There are really great minds here. I'll try to contribute to the forum as you've done, and learn from a lot of others as well.
ChinaLady
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Old 05-05-2008, 10:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: confused, need help: crush on a married man

This man isn't looking for a relationship, he is looking for an affair. You are to be commended for thinking of his family, and I think you've come to your own conclusion. Next time you see this user, show him the door. You deserve much better.
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Old 05-05-2008, 10:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by BlueCreek View Post
After re-reading you post, it appears you have already made up your mind not to allow the relationship to advance further beyond friendship, and if that is the case, I commend you for that. Personally, I honestly think you should cut off the relationship completely.

But the real question is are you ok with it. Are you ok having a continuing relationship with someone you know you are attracted to, who you know is attracted to you, but that should never go further? And are you sure, knowing how you feel about him, that you can maintain your distance? Because if you can't, I guarantee you he will take whatever you end up being willing to give. You need to decide if you are going to be able to shift it back to a straight friendship and keep it there. You also need to decide if this status-quo sort of relationship is going to prevent you from finding or falling for anyone else.
Thank you for reading my post another time. You are very perceptive! These are the right problems I'll have after I cut off the relationship or go back to a normal friendship. Thank you for thinking about the whole thing and I appreciate your concern for all my problems. I guess people sometimes have ideas that they consciously don't know. Yes, we do have to think hard and long.
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Old 05-05-2008, 11:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by mollyL View Post
This man isn't looking for a relationship, he is looking for an affair. You are to be commended for thinking of his family, and I think you've come to your own conclusion. Next time you see this user, show him the door. You deserve much better.
Thanks Molly. I sincerely hope everyone here can get their problems resolved and can help others as well.
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