18 year age gap...can it ever work?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Like Tree2Likes
  • 1 Post By Gwendoline
  • 1 Post By nice777guy

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 03-17-2010, 05:09 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 10
Default 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

Ok, I'm just going to lay this out and see what people think because I am struggling to get my head around this...
I am in love with a man who is 18 years older then me. I am 29 and he is 47 and we seem to have clicked over the last 6 months (we've known each other for over a year). It surprised us both that we are so good together, so its not like we ever planned for this to develop into anything substantial...but it has, very much so. I see him in my future, but that future is not all roses. Obviously if we want kids in the next couple of years, he will be 50. I'm sure the next 25 years will be great, full of travel, love, support, etc..but I'm also sure it will be harder later on in our lives. Realistically, what should I be considering...is love all you need? I think maybe not, as I am very practical, but i'm leaning towards accepting it might be difficult but it might be beautiful also. What is an acceptable age gap? Are we kidding ourselves? How old is too old to be a Dad? Should we make a go of it and enjoy our lives or end it now before it gets even harder...any input would be of interest, thanks
Gwendoline is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-17-2010, 08:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,349
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

I would feel the answer truly falls more on you than him. Yes, men can have a baby in their 50's ,even 70's for some. If he has alot relatives who live into their 90's - he may also.

How will you feel about your childrens dad being this much older, or how might they feel - he may not be around for many things that other younger dads would be. Depends on how strong you feel about this issue.

I am sure he is thrilled to tears to have a young woman like yourself. The main thing he might struggle with is Jealousy, even a little trust if you are flirty, he may sometimes feel like you will leave him for someone younger, this may always play in the back of his mind.

On your end though, your sex drive will most likely increase alot more as you age, while his will be slowing down as he ages. If he is a sexual animal at 47, maybe he will be OK, but if right now you have issues here, it will only get worse. Unless he is a "Pleaser" in every sense , thank God for Viagra.

Good idea to discuss ALL of this with him, and see how you both feel about it.
SimplyAmorous is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-17-2010, 08:35 AM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 22
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

I read a recent article which argued that the ideal combination is a 20 year spread, so it seems you're close to perfect. I'll see if I can dig this article up.

The main benefit I guess was that the man is more likely to be ready to "settle down" in his 40s. Maybe it's a lot of BS.

Must find the article now.
publicme is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-17-2010, 08:41 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 453
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

There are challanges to every relationship. Yes, the age difference can be a big one, and can be a lot to deal with at times. Personally, I think maturity level, values and morals matter more than age.

I am 12 years older than my husband. There have been some issues to come up because of it, but I think it only made us stronger as a couple.

My oldest son had a huge problem with our relationship at the time. He said it was gross and that my husband was closer to my son's age than mine. Well, that came back and bit him in the butt. He is with a woman who is 28 years older than him. They have been together for 5 years. She is 8 years older than me. Their biggest problem is that he has always expressed wanting to have children. She's done having kids, and is, in fact, a grandmother. Would that be a reason to call it quits? I suppose it could be. But who knows what the future holds. They could split up, he could meet someone his age, marry her, hopefully he'd love her as much as the older woman he left. Then, what if the new wife, or he for that matter, can't have kids?

I understand being practical, but seriously, how many things that you plan for in the future actually end up exactly as you planned?
scarletblue is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-17-2010, 09:40 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 7,320
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

Yes - my parents did it. Ups and downs like any marriage.

My Father was 20 years older than my Mother. My Mother was actually waiting tables at a bar that he owned and thought he was just a creepy old man! Both had one marriage and one divorce behind them.

My Mom would have been late 20s and my Dad late 40s.

They lasted 25 years - until my Mother died when she was 53 and my Father was 73.

So yes - with a 20 year age gap they actually pulled off the whole "til death do you part" thing and raised one hell of a great kid in the process!!!
nice777guy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-17-2010, 09:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 400
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

I know at least two successful marriages that lasted until one person died where the age difference was 20 years or more, and two others that are still going on today.

They seem to work best if the younger person is over 25; if the younger one wants to go out every night and the older one lacks the energy, that might cause friction.
artieb is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-17-2010, 10:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 99
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

I think age is just a number. If you are mature enough to handle a relationship with an older man...then go for it. If you don't, you'll always wonder "what if?".
It sounds like you are already head over heels for the man...what is going to hurt more...letting him go now and always wondering what might have been? Or later in life losing him, but knowing you spent the majority of your life loving such a wonderful person...and having no regrets?
Think about it...It could be the best thing you ever did.

Last edited by Needy_Wife; 03-17-2010 at 01:42 PM.
Needy_Wife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-17-2010, 01:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 141
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

As long as you don't have a true issue with it internally then I think you should be good. I am 14 yrs older than my wife and I know I have brought her more happiness, pleasure in the bed, and a bright future with me than anyone else she dated before who was her age. I was her first "man" as she put it and I know she is in a very good place in her heart with me. I actually struggle more with age than her only because of the 20 yrs down the road will she still desire me stuff. All I know is I am the happiest I have ever been, just like her and we both have the mental make up to make this last a life time. Plus at my age (just under 40) I am mentally prepared to not mess this up and she demonstrates maturity beyond others her age. I am a attractive man, in great shape physically, and she is a drop dead georgous woman who I am honored to have at my side. I know she feels the exact same way and we look great together. So as long as your mentally prepared and have no true underlying issues you should be fine. Weight your positives and negatives in a open mind set and see where you think your relationship is and how it will play out and then decide. Also, take your time and don't rush into anything permanent until you know for sure or allow him to continue to demonstrate how he will be in your relationship going forward to give you some peace of mind.

If all is good then let that last wall to your heart fall and you may have an experience of a lifetime with him. Age really means nothing and it probably gives you a much more stable future than a young and dumb guy like most of us men were back in our younger days.
New Beginnings is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-17-2010, 07:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 10
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

Wow! I'm actually surprised at the positive response. I was sure people would tell me I'm an idiot, its grose, I'm being unrealistic, etc, but everyone has been very supportive and non judgemental. I appreciate that. I would be interested in reading that article! As for kids at 50, I guess kids will love their parents no matter what, so its a decision left for us...keep the feedback coming in and if there are things I should be considering in this relationship, please bring them to my attention. Am also interested in hearing from couples who also have a large age gap.
Gwendoline is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-17-2010, 07:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 22
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

My uncle had a second wife -- and a second round of children -- beginning at age 50 for the kids! My cousin and cousinette from this second set of offspring both finished college and have entered their professional lives.

So, age was never an issue. The key requirement was his love of family and his knowledge of how to educate kids. His three previous daughters all turned out to be remarkable individuals also.

But it would seem potentially sad if the children didn't have a chance to really know their father or mother due to their old age. And it would seem to be unjust to attempt it if you knew that you're not likely to live a long life...

Here's one article suggesting a wide gap, yet it's not the article I had in mind, which focused more on the psychological benefits.

What Is the Best Age Difference for Husband and Wife?: Scientific American

http://bit.ly/drzE49

Last edited by publicme; 03-17-2010 at 08:23 PM.
publicme is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-17-2010, 10:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 453
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

The question is.....would you rather have a wonderful father for 30 years? or a terrible one for 50?

Just something to chew on.....Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad(he passed 3 years ago), but he was a terrible father. My father-in-law, was in my life for 2 years before he passed away and the bond I had with him, and the love I had for him surpassed anything I could have imagined.
scarletblue is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-04-2012, 05:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

Hi all,

I am new here and I am really happy to hear that there are couples out there with big age gaps, and the issues they face.

I was separated for 5 months from an unhappy relationship with a guy who is my age group and generation. He did not live up to my expectations, he was not mature and did not know what he wanted in life. I was ready to move forward. I've endured so many life experiences and it has moulded me the person I am today, I seek maturity, trust, honesty, love and open communication in a relationship.


I will call my partner C. I am 26, he is 45.

Two months ago, I have met a man who is 19 years older than me. At first, I thought he was too old for me but as we got to know each other, the age gap didn't matter to me anymore. It's quite funny how we met, his brother (whom is a friend of mine) offered to come pick me up and give me a lift to go to a live show when my other plans fell through, C was the designated driver for the night. We were introduced and started a conversation in the car on the way there.

I've notified the both of them that I had fears of running into my ex-partner due to unfortunate legal circumstances because he may be at the show. So they were aware. As soon as we got there, C was in protective mode, like he was my body-guard. This showed me how caring and considerate he was. We chatted, getting to know each other.
I was waiting for my friends to arrive as I had a ticket to sit next to my friend. As my friend arrived, I told C and his brother that I would catch them later. I went into the stadium with her, we realised that we were allocated seats away from each other. So I had to leave my friend and found my seat which was a block away. I sat with strangers and I was very uncomfortable. I messaged C's brother immediately and told him what's happened. C came looking for me straight away and I sat with him. After that I have felt safe. It went from conversations to playful pokes, when the show ended, we went back to the car, waited for C's brother to pay for the parking ticket. I felt very attracted to C as we got along so well.

Our hands touched and we felt this amazing connection, from that point on, we were inseparable. We parked at a fishing wharf and talked, we watched the sunrise together for the first time. It was an amazing experience. It was like a beginning to a new life.

When I broke the news to my family that I have met someone with a big age difference, the first few weeks were hell-bent. My family attempted anything to split us up, the more they continued this, it brought C and I closer and closer. Nothing could break us. We are madly in love with each other.

I was amazed with C's strength and positivity, and that has kept me hopeful and positive that things would work out in the end.

C is currently going through divorce and settlement proceedings with his ex, at first I had fears that I may just be a rebound, and he assured me that there is no reconciliation with his wife as he is beyond happy with me.
He also has two kids, 17 and 22. At first, they were happy for their father, next minute, their whole worlds crashed (it may have been their mother's influence) but he is working on re-establishing his relationship with his kids. His kids are very smart and academically bright and mature.

We spoke about our future, he would be blessed to re-marry and bear children with me.

I know other couples with big age differences, and they are very much in love and happy, they're married and they've conceived children.

We are the happiest we have ever been, we have a great relationship based on love, trust, open lines of communication, friendship, deep attraction and inside the boudouir - have absolutely no complaints. We both have very similar interests and hobbies and we are very inseparable. We love being with each other. Our age gap means nothing to us and my family have started to accept that I am very happy and I've made my choice.

I know I have met my soul mate and I cannot imagine being with anybody else apart from C.

So my advice to others - fight for what you believe in and how you feel. Your happiness is only paramount to yourself, not others and you will have a beautiful relationship and life with that special person.
Happiness07 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-04-2012, 06:14 PM   #13 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 6,715
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

How healthy is he?

How long did his parents live? How old were they when their health substantially dropped?

How about you?

If his family is long lived and he is aging a bit slower than the average bear - maybe the gap is smaller than it seems. Or maybe bigger.

Does he want kids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gwendoline View Post
Ok, I'm just going to lay this out and see what people think because I am struggling to get my head around this...
I am in love with a man who is 18 years older then me. I am 29 and he is 47 and we seem to have clicked over the last 6 months (we've known each other for over a year). It surprised us both that we are so good together, so its not like we ever planned for this to develop into anything substantial...but it has, very much so. I see him in my future, but that future is not all roses. Obviously if we want kids in the next couple of years, he will be 50. I'm sure the next 25 years will be great, full of travel, love, support, etc..but I'm also sure it will be harder later on in our lives. Realistically, what should I be considering...is love all you need? I think maybe not, as I am very practical, but i'm leaning towards accepting it might be difficult but it might be beautiful also. What is an acceptable age gap? Are we kidding ourselves? How old is too old to be a Dad? Should we make a go of it and enjoy our lives or end it now before it gets even harder...any input would be of interest, thanks
MEM11363 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-05-2012, 06:55 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 41
Default Re: 18 year age gap...can it ever work?

I don't think I am in a position to counsel you on what you should or shouldn't do. I can share with you my perspective.

My father was about 18 years older than my mother. For my mother, it was her first marriage (she eventually married and divorced twice). For my father, it was his second marriage (after my mother, he never remarried).

They were divorced again when I was small - 5 or 6 years old. I have three siblings. My father also had two children from his first marriage.

My experience of my father was that he seemed to have very little time, energy, or interest in being a father. Maybe it was a combination of things. I know that he worked hard to provide for our practical needs. I presume he loved us.

I have only a few vivid memories of my dad from when I was small. I remember that he used to come in to our bedrooms at night with my mom and give us a kiss on the cheek to say goodnight (It's funny the things you recall: I can almost now feel the slight scratch of his stubble against my cheek, in marked contrast to the feel of my mother's goodnight kiss). I also remember that he spent much of his time sitting in his recliner in our living room, drinking a beer and watching TV.

I know now that my parents struggled with many issues, so I cannot say that age was a primary problem. Still, I can't help but draw a connection between his lack of involvement and his advancing age.

I often hear other men as they recall their own fathers - stories of playing catch, fishing, turning a wrench, going on a hike, etc. I can honestly say that I have no such memories. None.

So, I would beg you to consider, if you intend to have children, whether he is healthy and active enough to participate in the lives of those children.

I had a therapist that I saw for years, and who I have great respect and admiration for. He had his first and only child when he was 50 years old. In my estimation, he is a wonderful, loving, and highly engaged dad. So, I don't feel that age HAS to be an issue, but I am certain that it CAN be an issue, in this regard.

With all of that said, I do with you the very best.
TheOnceler is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Work Husband/Work Wife gbrad General Relationship Discussion 30 02-07-2013 01:24 PM
Recent DD for 70 year old affair, 99 year old BH files for divoce calif_hope Coping with Infidelity 8 12-30-2011 03:33 PM
24 year friendship, 12 year relationship, 4 year marriage - is it over? anonymousplease Considering Divorce or Separation 1 07-10-2011 02:09 AM
3 year marriage - 2 year old child markm Considering Divorce or Separation 11 07-14-2010 02:29 PM
Worst day of the year for me. He is at work Christmas Party Orangerose Coping with Infidelity 22 12-23-2009 01:13 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:01 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.