should i marry?

sillygurl_27 · 05-05-2008, 07:59 AM

Hey guys, I badly need your advices. I met this guy and been dating with him exclusively for 3 months now. I am leaving for abroad soon and the only way I could take him is to marry him. He is a nice and responsible person and he loves me so much ( i feel that ). Do u think I have enough reasons to marry this guy? We are planning to have this civil wedding secretly this June....I am so confused.ummm....my guy is annulled from his previous marriage and he has a son. I am single and never been married to anyone. The reason why we are getting married secretly is because he doesn't want his ex-wife know about us. He fears that his ex-wife will take away their son from him. And here's another thing, his family and relatives don't know about his annulment yet...but he showed me the proof that he is really annulled because i read the papers myself. I can say that am so in love with him right now and I don't want to lose him. should I marry him?

swedish · 05-05-2008, 08:19 AM

Is leaving the country temporary? I definitely think 3 months is very quick to make this decision...what about his work/home situation? He can just pack up and leave the country that quick? What concerns me is that he'd be willing to leave his son behind...what about visitation and how he will handle not knowing where his dad is? You already know he keeps secrets from his son's mother and his family, I'd be very cautious here.

sillygurl_27 · 05-05-2008, 08:46 AM

Thank you, swedish. I appreciate your advice. Regarding your question,I am to work in the states..my petition for H1-B has just been approved...and the only way I could possibly take him with me is to marry him.So that he could be admitted for H4 visa.I don't know what to do really.

True Blue · 05-05-2008, 09:11 AM

This sounds too messy. He doesn't want the ex- wife to know about you, the family does't know he's not married any more, so where does he live? Where does the family think he goes home to every night? If he's not married then he shouldn't be afraid to tell the ex about you especially since he has a son and he's ready to marry you. Secondly, I'm concerned with his eagerness to leave the country and his son behind. I see a few red flags here. I agree with Swedish, three months is way too soon to marry someone, let alone some one with all the baggage and drama this guy has. I say run to the airport (ALONE) and don't look back.

One more thing, there's such a thing a court ordered visitation so if he's really concerned with the ex preventing him from seeing his son he can take her to court for visitation. However, it sounds like he's really not that concerned about seeing his son if he's ready to leave everything and everyone behing to follow you to another country.

swedish · 05-05-2008, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by True Blue

I say run to the airport (ALONE) and don't look back.

sillygurl_27 · 05-05-2008, 09:37 AM

I wish I could just forget about this man easily and leave him.... I understand if you will hate me for this, for I admit that am such a martyr-desperate woman here but i love him....and right now, he is with his ex-wife and his kid. He went home to their city to see them.And he still sleeps with his ex-wife and his kid in the same bed when he's home. I questioned him about that but he told me that he is no longer sexually-attracted to his ex-wife. And the only reason he is doing that because he want his kid think,as much as possible, that everything is normal and okay....Anyway, I know though that it is too early for me decide to marry him but I can't afford lose this man. For whatever reason--i really don't know...that is why I appreciate all your advices. It enlightens my mind and it helps me weigh things right...I am so in love with him now and tend to get blinded by the situation I am into...

swedish · 05-05-2008, 09:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sillygurl_27

And he still sleeps with his ex-wife and his kid in the same bed when he's home.

OK, I definitely couldn't deal with that. His son just wants to see his dad. I don't see how sleeping in a bed with his ex-wife is helping his son. It's good that he is honest with you about it, but again, how you react to these things is setting the bar pretty low for what you will put up with now and in the future. I would take a strong stand here and go on your own.

sillygurl_27 · 05-05-2008, 09:54 AM

One more thing, there's such a thing a court ordered visitation so if he's really concerned with the ex preventing him from seeing his son he can take her to court for visitation. However, it sounds like he's really not that concerned about seeing his son if he's ready to leave everything and everyone behing to follow you to another country.
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It never crossed my mind....thank you for that info, true blue....

sillygurl_27 · 05-05-2008, 09:58 AM

I would take a strong stand here and go on your own.
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Yeah, I agree. But I don't know how.

swedish · 05-05-2008, 10:18 AM

"The fact that you still sleep in the same bed with your ex-wife, that you say you want to keep things least disruptive possible for your son, that you are keeping the annulment and our relationship a secret all indicate to me that you have a lot of things to work out in your personal life before you can make a decision to marry me and leave the country"....that would be how...if by how you mean you don't know how to get the strength/courage to leave without him picture being in the states with him and suddenly he's gone for a week and returns and has many excuses for why he had to take off and this and that and you say 'I'm devastated but I love him so I'll let it slide'....if you really want him in your life at any cost, go for it...but as said before, I really think you are setting the bar way too low.

True Blue · 05-05-2008, 10:43 AM

Sillygurl~

Sweetie, the more you share about this man the more I don't like this situation. I'm wondering if the paper work he showed you is authentic. I don't know anyone in their right mind who would go through an anullment but continue to sleep together for the sake of the child. In that case why go through the trouble? It just doesn't add up.

What I really hate about this relationhip is he's manipulating you into accepting being the number 2 woman in his life, this man is selfish. I know you love him and walking away would be very hard for you but for your own mental health you need to try to move on with your life.

Don't block your true blessings by hanging onto something that's built on deceit. The right man is out there for you just be patient and when the time is right, you'll find him.

sweetp101 · 05-05-2008, 12:32 PM

Sillygurl,
The stuff he is feeding you is the same thing I would say to my lover.

You are a secret. The marriage will be a secret for years to come. I would not marry. If this is meant to be, it will be.

Big flashing red lights are ahead. Stop!!!!

Russell · 05-06-2008, 06:51 PM

I hate to tell you this... but he is still in love with his ex.

happilymarried67 · 05-07-2008, 07:59 AM

Move abroad without him--Enjoy your new country and experience it for yourself. He is still involved emotionally in his old relationship. You can not start a new relationship with one still unfinished. Don't marry him, you will be sorry you did. Enjoy your freedom and meet someone without an old relationship tagging along. Best of Luck.