General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi all. I'm new to this sight so bear with me. My husband and I have been married for not quite 3 years. In December I discovered an email account of his that I was unaware of. Upon finding it I found out about half a dozen or so profiles he had set up with various online dating and sex sites. I also read hundreds of emails of him corresponding back and forth with a few different women, a couple for months at a time. (These accounts and correspondances had transpired from approx march to november of last year) He spoke on the phone with a couple of these women on a semi-regular basis. (I know this because I personally called these women to get their sides.) In addition to the online issues I also found out about some phone dating attempts on his part. I (understandibly I think) was very upset by all of this. In addition to these two issues I found out that he's watching "very graphic, adult oriented videos" online nearly everyday.
Through alot of conversations and such I thought all of this was in the past. Now in the last couple of weeks I have discovered that while I was out of town for a weekend he spent over 12 hours on the phone calling various singles lines and chatting with one woman in particular for over 5 hours (I also personally spoke with her).
I don't know if I can forgive completely this time. He claims it's because he was so drunk the entire weekend. Has anybody out there ever dealt with something like this before? He has not "physically" ever cheated on me so doesn't see it as "cheating".
Any thoughts or opinions would be GREATLY appreciated.
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
What was his reaction to the "first round" when you confronted him? Was he sorry? Promise to quit?
Regardless...
Being drunk is no excuse. Especially given his history. This is definitely cheating and needs to own up to that fact, or this is something that will happen again.
You are not being unreasonable at all - in fact it sounds like you've been fairly patient and care about keeping your marriage together.
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
The first time around he promised none of it would happen ever again. I was devastated and he was fully aware of that. When I confronted him this time I handled it way different. I played the voice recordings authorizing the charges for the singles' chat lines on speaker phone and printed out the cell phone call log and put it out on the coffee table for him.
The other big issue I've been having is that he is on an "adult" website almost daily watching videos. I've told him repeatedly how much it hurts me. He started deleting the computer history. I could go on and on but would just really like some different perspectives on all of this. Thank you so much for taking the time
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
vibrant13,
I have a bad feeling about this whole situation, you might have a serial want to be cheater on your hands, he is getting something from all these sites and conversations.....sorry.......
He wouldn't be doing this over and over again if you were the one for him......sorry
give him a chance to work on his problem and if he can't then you either have to accept he will continue with this behaviour or tell him he will have to leave until that part of him is over.....
good luck
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
Do you find porn unacceptable, or is it the "daily" part in addition to the other stuff that's making this an issue as well?
Most people around here are in agreement that men will watch porn, and that as long as they aren't using it IN PLACE OF having sex with their wife, then its usually acceptable. Trying to be as generic as possible here because everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
And let me clarify - the phone sex is not the same as watching porn. To me, phone sex is cheating, porn is not.
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
It's not that I find porn unaccebtable. It's fine when we watch it TOGETHER. If it was that he was looking at it once a week for a little while I wouldn't have a huge problem with it. But it's that he watches it AT LEAST every other day and for at least an hour at a time and ALWAYS when I'm gone at work, never in front of me.
It's also the fact that I'm only 26, he's 12 years older than me and it feels like he would rather watch porn that actually have an intimate relationship with me. I can't even tell you the last time HE has actually "initiated" any kind of sex with me.
And just to clarify, I don't know that he was having ACTUAL phone sex I just know he was calling ALOT of singles lines to have a REAL conversation with REAL women.
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
If he's hiding it, he knows it's wrong. If he's trying to make excuses, he knows he's wrong.
The fact that he keeps doing it, while he knows it hurts you? Now, that's a problem.It's OK to do something that would hurt my wife as long as she doesn't know about it? Big problem.
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
Well I set up a counseling appointment for us for next week. When I told him about it last night he didn't understand the need for it. I explained to him that I am DEVASTATED by this all over again, that I understood that we were going through a lot of turmoil the first time all of this transpired the FIRST time. But as i relayed to him this time, everything has been going very well and I didn't understand it this time around. I told him that I needed some help if I was to move past it this time.
He got EXTREMELY angry, defensive and hurtful. I cried myself to sleep and he slept on the couch.
To make matters worse, I did some investigating through our phone bills and have found yet ANOTHER woman he had been talking to back in December.
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
Well the answer to the question about what you should do is relatively simple vibrant13. It's the execution of the answer that is difficult. Perhaps that's why they call it execution?
Anyway, trust and love are just different sides of the same coin. If you loose one side of the coin V13, the other goes as well. It's just not possible to loose the head side of a quarter and keep the tails still in your pocket.
From your previous statement, I've heard that he deflected responsibility by trying to duck behind ETOH as a defense. In my opinion, that is a pretty small rock to hide behind. What's the real dynamic of your relationship? Why do you think he may be engaging in this dangerous and reckless behavior? You must have some idea. Perhaps we I knew that we might be more useful to you. Otherwise, from what you've wrote I really don't have a positive answer you'd want to hear. Sorry.
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
I hear ya, girl!!!! I know exactly what you mean, as I'm having a bit of a problem myself. I believe that, (after months of living in denial) certain men have a SEXUAL ADDICTION--that is, they live for the thrill it gives them, whether its internet porn, talking with other women, acting single, chatting online, etc....They just can't get enough. And when confronted, they get very defensive, because they can't control their addiction, or even admit(or know???!!!) they have a problem. I hope he hasn't cheated, if he hasn't, believe me, he could in the future. If he doesn't get help, or recognize this HUGE problem, you probably won't make it...I mean, what are you supposed to do, just keep forgiving him?? you DON'T need it.
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
LIL - What is ETOH?
Deep down in my soul I believe him to have a personality disorder. In the beginning of our marriage I found out that he had lied to me about having to pay child support on his son. After we had been married for only a month I found out that he owes 27k in back child support that he tried desperately to hide and then lie to me about. His temper is one like I've NEVER seen before. In the time we've been together he has not held a job for more than 6 months at a time. He claims/ed it's because he was miserable working construction like he had for 15 years. So we decided for him to go to school. He is currently working on his nursing degree.
He has always had SOME kind of addiction through out his life. As a teenager he went to treatment for cocaine. After kicking that he has been a functioning alcoholic ever since.
Only in the last year have we BOTH quit drinking. I wasn't an alcoholic but felt it was unfair to demand that he quit drinking in order to save our marriage if I didn't follow suit. In the last couple months he has been slipping up. He feels a certain amount of resentment towards me because he no longer feels like he "belongs anywhere" as he puts it.
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
He can be extremely kind, caring and considerate. He has a really good sense of humor and can make me laugh.
I don't want to shatter my 7 year old's sense of security. I don't want to completely turn his world upside down. My husband is a constant for him. His own dad has time for him sparaticlly and I just don't want to put him through any more unnecessary grief.
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
LIL - What is ETOH?
ETOH is an abreviation for ethyl alcohol. Sorry, it's a medical shorthand habbit. I wasn't trying to confuse you.
Your husband is absolutely going to have to kick his addiction prior to ever assuming any aspect of patient care. The thought that he is currently working on a nursing degree sends shudders through my spine. I can't believe that his program directors haven't picked up on this yet. How far is he in? He can't have had any sort of rotations yet.
As for putting your kid through any more grief, keeping an alcoholic and abusive dad around sounds like the perfect recipe to me for grief. I think that's a dead end argument.
I'm sorry he had a tough childhood. A lot of us did. Hell, most of us are having a tough adulthood as well. I think they call it life. He needs to grow up. He needs to put the bottle down and take responsibility for his situation. Then he needs to take responsibility for your family. In short he needs to become a man. God save us all.
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating"
He has an appointment with our medical doctor today that I'm going with for to discuss meds that may help with his extreme moods. Hopefully he can shed some light onto the situation.
I know this seems like such a "no-brainer" to so many. It's extremely difficult for me to "quit" on my marriage. I am a religious person and took my vows VERY seriously and really want to be comfortable with trying every possible avenue before just throwing in the towel.
LIL - He'll be finishing his LPN license this summer and then going into the RN program next semester. And no they have not caught on to anything and he has not started rotations yet.
Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating" 
Re: Opinions sought on phone and internet "cheating" 
