I'm no longer in love, but getting out would mean the end of him
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Old 03-19-2010, 07:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I'm no longer in love, but getting out would mean the end of him

I'm 25 and have been in relation ship with my boyfriend since I was 18. He is six years older than me.

I guess I should start from the beginning. Seven years ago I fell madly in love with a guy, so much that I forgo any common sense and rationality. Our realtionship procedeed too fast too soon. And I pledged something to him so that we wouldn't be apart.

We were foreign students. I had full support from home, he didn't. The fact that he finaced everything on his own was one of the reason why I was so attracted to him. I had thought he was really mature and hard working, qualities I seek in a partner. Then months later, he found out he could no more finance himself. I was so in love, I thought I would die, if he left (which he must do, if there was no money left, and no means to get any). Than I did one thing that i had regretted the most in my whole life. I told him I would support him. At that time, it meant my parent would support him (without their knowing). It would be like a loan, which he could slowly pay back, which he never does.

Please don't missunderstand, he is a great guy, he's always very caring and affectionate, and I KNOW he didn't after my money. By chosing to stay under that condition might also been a mistake for him, because he weren't happy in this foreign country.

I love him, I care about him very much and I'm still willing to support him in everything, now that I have a job (he is still a student). But gradually I realized I had lost my respect for him. I wanted a strong guy, instead I have one hanging aroung my shoulder as a dead weight. And I realized our relationship is not healthy. And it was my fault too, for making it get so bad and not talking about it (He doesn't do talk and I fear confrontation; Talking - about the truth, always meant he yelling and I crying. I hate it and I always end end up giving up anyway)

The right thing, i think, would be to talk with him about this and tell him in full honesty about my feeling. But how can I do that? it would crush everything he got, it would end everything.

I see him more like abrother right now rather than a lover and boyfriend. I could hardly bear to have sex (never have been actually, but tried my best to give him joy, and to satisfy my self, however marginally. Perhaps I simply not sexually driven...)

I don't know, If I should try once again or should I just end everything, make a clean cut. To stay in not fair and cruel. To leave.... I don't know.

We talked about marriage sometimes ago. I told him, I don't want to marry unless he can prove it to me that he can stand on his own feet. All the while I was thinking, if he can finally be on his own, I will leave him. I'm a very cruel and cold hearted woman. On the other hand I genuinely wish for his happiness. And it's not like it was all obligation in our relationship. He is still the one I trus the most. He knows me best, better than my own family. He is the closest person for me all these 8 years I spent in someone else's country. Our relationship is not nothing for me.

Sorry for the rant. But I need to talk with someone about this. Please I would like to read your opinion.
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Old 03-19-2010, 08:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm no longer in love, but getting out would mean the end of him

AWE.. your NOT a cold hearted women at all!!!

Your feelings are just that..."your feelings"... You didnt necessarily choose them.
So one way or the other you will need to be honest.
Why not start out by saying "I'm really havig a hard time with us, would you go to counseling with me?"

Or you could just be honest yet gentle (my choice) and let him know where your feelings are and he needs (in short order) to get himself in order.

You're probably "enabling" him to not stand on his own which is probably not a good thing.

Now.. although my choice is for you to be honest with him, if there is any chance you're not clear on where you stand, counseling is in order, by yourself then maybe together if that reveals there is a chance. You're both still young, relationship started young you're not married etc... Dont let any of that escalate further.. If its over.. its over.. Hiding from the truth will only hurt you and him more...

You're NOT doing anything "wrong" here.. none of this is easy and things of the heart and emotion are rarely "black and white" not withstanding the tireless efforts of mankind to make it so...hahaha

good luck!!
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Old 03-19-2010, 08:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm no longer in love, but getting out would mean the end of him

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But gradually I realized I had lost my respect for him. I wanted a strong guy, instead I have one hanging aroung my shoulder as a dead weight. And I realized our relationship is not healthy. And it was my fault too, for making it get so bad and not talking about it (He doesn't do talk and I fear confrontation; Talking - about the truth, always meant he yelling and I crying. I hate it and I always end end up giving up anyway)
These are all good reasons to leave the relationship. You can't love or be in a relationship with someone you don't respect. Obviously, you see him NOT paying the "loan" back and it bothers you--it would bother me, too.

If you leaving would ruin him, it's only more proof that he can't be a real man. You've obviously matured since you met him--he hasn't.

Cut your losses and find someone else who makes you happy. Whatever he does as a result of losing you is his decision.
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Old 03-26-2010, 11:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm no longer in love, but getting out would mean the end of him

I did it. We broke up. I Don't feel good, I don't feel free. I still do not know, if this is the right thing to do. But I know that the me right now can not marry him. The me right now is pinning after someone else. Thank you for reading and answering guys.
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