I'm no longer in love, but getting out would mean the end of him
I'm 25 and have been in relation ship with my boyfriend since I was 18. He is six years older than me.
I guess I should start from the beginning. Seven years ago I fell madly in love with a guy, so much that I forgo any common sense and rationality. Our realtionship procedeed too fast too soon. And I pledged something to him so that we wouldn't be apart.
We were foreign students. I had full support from home, he didn't. The fact that he finaced everything on his own was one of the reason why I was so attracted to him. I had thought he was really mature and hard working, qualities I seek in a partner. Then months later, he found out he could no more finance himself. I was so in love, I thought I would die, if he left (which he must do, if there was no money left, and no means to get any). Than I did one thing that i had regretted the most in my whole life. I told him I would support him. At that time, it meant my parent would support him (without their knowing). It would be like a loan, which he could slowly pay back, which he never does.
Please don't missunderstand, he is a great guy, he's always very caring and affectionate, and I KNOW he didn't after my money. By chosing to stay under that condition might also been a mistake for him, because he weren't happy in this foreign country.
I love him, I care about him very much and I'm still willing to support him in everything, now that I have a job (he is still a student). But gradually I realized I had lost my respect for him. I wanted a strong guy, instead I have one hanging aroung my shoulder as a dead weight. And I realized our relationship is not healthy. And it was my fault too, for making it get so bad and not talking about it (He doesn't do talk and I fear confrontation; Talking - about the truth, always meant he yelling and I crying. I hate it and I always end end up giving up anyway)
The right thing, i think, would be to talk with him about this and tell him in full honesty about my feeling. But how can I do that? it would crush everything he got, it would end everything.
I see him more like abrother right now rather than a lover and boyfriend. I could hardly bear to have sex (never have been actually, but tried my best to give him joy, and to satisfy my self, however marginally. Perhaps I simply not sexually driven...)
I don't know, If I should try once again or should I just end everything, make a clean cut. To stay in not fair and cruel. To leave.... I don't know.
We talked about marriage sometimes ago. I told him, I don't want to marry unless he can prove it to me that he can stand on his own feet. All the while I was thinking, if he can finally be on his own, I will leave him. I'm a very cruel and cold hearted woman. On the other hand I genuinely wish for his happiness. And it's not like it was all obligation in our relationship. He is still the one I trus the most. He knows me best, better than my own family. He is the closest person for me all these 8 years I spent in someone else's country. Our relationship is not nothing for me.
Sorry for the rant. But I need to talk with someone about this. Please I would like to read your opinion.