I just need to talk to someone - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-09-2008, 12:12 AM Thread Starter
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I just need to talk to someone

I started dating my wife 5 yrs ago today. We have been married for 6 months on the 17. She is talking about leaving me.

Before we got engaged it was extrememly difficult for me to trust her. I realized that the reason for that was my unwillingness to completly commit. It wasn't that I didnt trust her with the things I blamed her for that she never did. I didnt trust her with my heart. I made an active decision to trust her with all i am. To give her everything I have and desire to be. Then I married her.

When we were married we both knew that I would be overseas for the next year. I knew it wouldnt be easy. I didnt know that she would suddenly have doubts about being my wife. I know my wife is faithful, caring and wonderful. I love her more than I can express. She told me shes thinking about leaving me. Not for someone else. Not for some act of infidelity. Im not sure what happened. I dont understand it. She says that we are not compatible anymore. I havent changed...as far as I can tell she hasnt either. We are both faithful to each other.

I dont know what to do. I dont know what to say. How can i fix something like this? I didnt do anything but love her. I finally find someone I know I can spend my life with...and...shes going to leave me for reasons i cant even pretend to understand.

Im drinking too much lately. I act like its no big deal. Hell I act like my wife and I have a perfect relationship and that I just like to drink. The truth is I think Im losing her and drinking numbs the pain. I just wanna hold her in my arms and have her look at me the way she did when I first told her I love her.

Does anyone have any ideas what am I supposed to say to her. How am I supposed to talk about this and what the hell is she thinking?

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-09-2008, 01:36 AM
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Re: I just need to talk to someone

SOmetimes when a woman marries a soldier she knows he has combat boots as footwear but expects them under the bed more often. This isn't something just to men and women in the service, it is the same with truck drivers that have one of the highest divorce rates of any profession. Sometimes it is tough on those you leave behind too. They want you to hold them because they are loney and you can't so they blame you because of your job. What you are doing is noble, but for her she might be able to feel the pride but it doesn't give her the physical comfort.

Do yourself a favor and kick the alcohol before it ruins you. Write, take a hobby, exorcise anything for yourself and something so instead of numbing yourself you think clearly.

My fathers first marriage ended when he can back from Nam and found his wife six months pregnant. When he met my mother in the military he knew she'd understand better but left after 16 years because my mother an E8 out after 10 just couldn't have the family split up any longer.

I will always be on here as much as I can to listen or offer words.

Best regards.

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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-26-2008, 06:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just need to talk to someone

My wife wont talk to me. Its driving me crazy. I wont talk to anyone in person about it because I am ashamed to admit that my marriage has any problems. I try to act as if nothing is wrong while inside I feel like nothing is right. She says she is leaving me and there is nothing I can say or do to change her mind. I cant figure out what went wrong. When I first left home after we were married I was on cloud nine. I thought she was too. She says that marrying me was a mistake and that I forced her into it. She still says shes not seeing anyone else. I dont know what to do. I cant just accept this and move on. I only joined the miltary to provide a life for her and our kids. I find it harder everyday to wake up and face life. Im not suicidal or anything...just miserable. When I first signed up and was going through training I wanted out and almost stopped training to get kicked out. It was her who convinced me I was doing the right thing. She used to talk about us having a 50 yr anniversary. She used to talk about how I was doing something so great for our family. Now she just tells me to leave her alone and stop talking to her. Ive never been in so much pain. I asked her to try counsling...she told me she wont, that she doesnt care and she is leaving me. I just dont know why. She wont talk to me and tell me why. How can she suddenly not love me. Ive never cheated, I sent her stuff just because, and done my best to keep in contact. Everything Ive done in the past 5 yrs has been for her. I dont know how to live without her. How could I have thought everything was ok when everything was so messed up.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-26-2008, 07:12 AM
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Re: I just need to talk to someone

It sounds like she has made up her mind. Maybe if you give her some time and space, she will remember why she married you in the first place.

If you come across needy, it will likely push her away even more. Just try to back off and see what happens.

Try to focus on some positive things in your life.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 07-28-2009, 09:17 AM
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Re: I just need to talk to someone

I spent 6 years in the service, with the last 4 being married. I have seen this happen a thousand times during deployments. My experience is that absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Instead it operates more like a catalyst, speeding up the eventual course of a relationship. I am not telling you that you can't save your marriage, but what I am saying is that if you crawl inside a bottle your as good as done. Take that energy, that hurt, that pain and direct it somewhere positive like towards promotion, or becoming the best possible friggin soldier you can be. Take some courses towards a degree, or study a martial art. It will give you a positive outlet to vent, and even if the worst were to occur, it leaves you in a better position than being a drunk. I know it hurts, but trust me when I say destroying yourself is the worst possible solution you can choose, and it only strengthens her decision to leave. Success is very attractive. Fight on.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 07-28-2009, 10:56 AM
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Re: I just need to talk to someone

Everyone is right about concentrating on you right now. Do not drink and add problems to your life you have to get over later to move on if this does not work out. Do not call her other than to see how the children are doing. Do not ask how she is. I know this will be hard, but she does not want to hear your undying pledges of love right now, she wants to concentrate on her. I have found from experience that you might NEVER know what went wrong. I have spent 7 months trying to figure that out with my husband and sometimes it just happens. As many times as you have mentioned faithfulness, I think deep down you are worried that there is someone else. Until you know for sure... don't concentrate on that. Just work on trying to keep yourself happy and sane!! You are not going to be able to work on anything however until you admit this is happening and accept it for what it is. You should not be embarrassed that your marriage is in trouble, it happens all to often these days.

I wish you the best and keep on talking it helps!
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