General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have a slight problem and need help to fix it, first i will start with a little bit of background into "us".
My hubby and I have knowen each other for 7 years and been married for 3 next month. We have 2 beautiful girls aged 6 and 2.Up untill a few weeks ago we both worked full time and becasue we are on a farm there is always stuff to do on that, so the only days we get out of the whole week as a family are sundays and as a couple we dont really have time together at all.
Ok so here is the problem, I know we love each other and for us to sepearate would be awful for both of us, but we are not connected in any way, it feels like we have nothing in comman and when we are alone we have nothing to talk about, for intance we can travel 2 hours in a car and barly say anything to each other.
Our sex life has also suffered very much to the point where we have had sex maybe once in the last month, now for 2 people who are 26 to not be interested in it is worrying to me. We are both good looking peopke and we are both very aware that when we are in public we both get attention from the oppisite sex but we just dont seem to be able to feel that attraction within our realtionship.
My down fall is that i have been thru some pretty awsul relationships and i have security issues they have become less intense over the years but i still have a few.
I guess i just want to know from anyone who has been thru this or has some useful info on how we can connect and have the perfect marriage behind closed doors as well as in public again. ( i say this as in puublic we are the "dream couple" and i dont want to feel like its an act.
I love my hubby very much just want to have a husband and wife relationship not just a mum and dad one...
Mother's Day is coming up; maybe you could work together, and dig through all your pictures of the kids and have an album printed for your mothers.
Looking through your pictures tends to focus your attention on happy times you've spent together, and bring your shared history together into your minds.
hi, i love that idea thanks, and i know what i am about to reply with may come across as if i am trying to make excuses but i am not...
My mum and i are not at all close i was adopted and have never had the best mother daughte relationship as for hubby's relationship i know she would like it not love it as there is her actual daughters little girl and we do not want to upset hubby's sister.
i really like that idea though as something for us as parents that way we can bond.
You mentioned some security issues, I would suggest working on this area. H and I were struggling with the emotional bond for awhile there and our marriage counselor suggested that sharing our feelings and emotions is the way we would re-establish the emotional bond. It seems simple but as with most things it is easier said than done.
It's only by sharing our deeper feelings and emotional needs that this bond can be developed. Because when it comes down to it, the people who are closest to us in life are those with whom we have shared a part of ourselves. You wouldn't share these things with just anyone which is why a spouse is so special, if there is anyone in this world that you can be completely open with it should be your spouse! You have to take down the walls and let your husband in. And he needs to do the same. It's difficult to put this into action because you have to open yourself up and be vulnerable. For someone with security or trust issues, being vulnerable is the hardest thing to do but once you do and once your husband gets the chance to prove that he's there for you it will make it that much easier to continue opening up which will put you on the path towards that emotional bond. Once you get the emotional bond on track the sex will follow. Sex is an emotional act for women (not saying it isn't for men) and usually the desire is driven by our emotions.
Hmmm.. I'm going to try a different approach on this. This is going to sound alittle stupid but I'm being serious. Try to watch TV, comedies, and the news. Go out with your girlfriends every once in a while. Go to town or the city by yourself or with a friend every once in a while or alittle more often. I say to do all of these things cause from doing all of these things, you should have plenty to talk about. If you're with each other all the time, experiencing everything with one another, then what's there to talk about? You already did everything together. A good sense of humor can keep things interesting. A person will naturally want to be around someone who loves to smile and laugh unless he's depressed himself and wants to bring you down with him.
Love life... first and foremost, always keep extremely good hygiene. You go to the bathroom, literally washup afterwards. You do number one, used either wippies or keep a cup in the bathroom to rinse off while on the thrown. Number two? Thorough with wippies or hop in the tub for a quick washup. If you've been around and about throughout the day, washup or rinse up periodically to stay fresh. Don't start anything intimate unless you are thoroughly clean. Use mild perfumes, or just find ways to smell pleasant. A man loves to be able to get close to you, smelling your neck and/or exploring you, realizing that you are pleasant no matter where he goes. Also if you can, keep your vajay-jay trimmed very short or even shaved if you can bare it. Make a little triangle, rectangle, use your imagination. Speaking for myself, a man loves to see everything in it's beautiful glory. Shave the anal cleft aswell (back door a.k.a your crack). Next, when you're around the house, walk around in your undies and a tank top no bra. I know you mentioned you have kids but damn you're home. You've got to be able to be comfortable in your own home. Wear undies that leave the bottom of your cheeks exposed alittle. Wear undies that come up high on your hips. You can wear a long T shirt to cover it while you're around the house so the kids don't see but alteast he should know whats lurking under there. Remember, no bra! if you can get away with a tank top then do that or that female tank top that you women wear with open blouses. I forget the name. Anyhoo, I'm a guy and these are pretty much some of my daily turn-ons. Oh, get a lock on your bedroom door. You can't let the kids stop your romance and they're eventually going to learn how they were made anyway! LOL Joke. Just keep it quiet and you deserve your privacy. Get a bedroom door lock and tend to one another. While you're in bed, don't be affraid to particpate. This doesn't mean do things you don't enjoy for instance like anal sex, going down on him, whatever it maybe. I feel you should be open to showing off various parts and maneuvers for his eyes content. Pleasure him while showing off or letting him indulge in your bodies best features or features he likes about you, example: Riding him backwards to show him your buns in action). Be passionate, feel beautiful about yourself and confident, be sexual, feel and pleasure yourself as in invitation to him, showing him that your hot and bothered and want him. That you'd much rather have him pleasuring you. Talk to him softly while together, tell him what you like as he's doing it. Don't be demanding, just let him know when he's got the right spot. Guide him there if you need to. Just be open. I apologize if any of what I'm saying is TMI. I'm truly just trying to help here. Good luck.
Thanks for the posts they have been very useful and i am putting them into practise and as silly as it may sound i think it may be working already we have talked about things and been open in a way that we hhave not been for a long time and i just found out he has organised a romantic surpise weekend away for the 2 of us for our 3rd weeding anniversery in April things are looking up :0
I'm sorry, but the only way you can get close again is to spend actual TIME together doing things that make you both happy. Period.
It's recommended that couples spend 15 hours a week together doing such things! No wonder you have no relationship.
You will HAVE to start being creative to come up with ways to lessen your workload so you have at least an hour or two free time each day, so you can at least go for a walk or do a jigsaw puzzle.
Can you get people to help you in return for some of your crops? Or find a babysitting co-op so you are free of the kids once a week?
In return to the last post i think that you are not taking into consideration the amount of time that family work and lifestyle take.... I agree with you point that Spending actual time together is a must however i really do beg to differ that 1-2 hours a day must be spent is simply not possible or maybe even nessacery... I am in totaly believe that a "date-Night" once a week where total couple devotin is the key.
I also hear what you are saying about lessoning our work load but the fact is we both have high importance jobs that can not be just given away, i think that when we are not in work enviroments we need to make the time but at the same time we as parents have to put a great deal of time into our children.
15 hours a week would be great in an ideal world but practically wise with kids and work i think most people will agree this is not do able... I do have a relationship with my husband and we love each other very much just need to make time but i dont think 15 hours a week is the aim...
Yes but you CHOSE to both have high-level careers AND maintain a farm, yes? I'm here to tell you, from the OTHER side of the living life age arc, that you can choose to fill your life with things you think you want, and spend the most important years of your family life on WORK, when life is really all about LIVING.
You can also choose to NOT fill your life with work and farm, and instead focus on living your life with your family. A farm is something you choose. A high importance job is something you choose. In the meantime, your children grow up without you, and you fade away from your spouse.
In the end, what do people wish they had changed? Do they wish they had earned more money or gotten better awards? Usually, they wish they had realize they'd spent more time with the important people in their life. Because once it's gone, it's gone, no matter how much money they made.
I'm just asking you to look realistically at what you two have chosen to fill your life with. You're here, realizing that something is out of control. I'm sharing my experience - spending more time on work and other things will not bring back the time you could have had with your kids and your husband. And your relationships suffer, as you are now learning.
You say you do have a relationship with your husband and love each other very much, but just a couple days ago you said this:
Quote:
Ok so here is the problem, I know we love each other and for us to sepearate would be awful for both of us, but we are not connected in any way, it feels like we have nothing in comman and when we are alone we have nothing to talk about, for intance we can travel 2 hours in a car and barly say anything to each other.
Our sex life has also suffered very much to the point where we have had sex maybe once in the last month, now for 2 people who are 26 to not be interested in it is worrying to me.
I understand that you feel defensive. I'm not trying to criticize you, but share my situation, which matched yours a lot. After 30 years, when D19 is now away at college, I had no desire to be home alone with my husband. We had spent so little time alone together over the last 20 years that I barely knew him. I'm just suggesting that you realign your priorities. To get what you came here looking for.
Hi thanks for the reply again..
I do see your point in the choices that we make... and for that reason i have just cut my hours down dramatically to ensure i spend more time around the home and with my 2 girls..I am loving it and to be honest when I was working very full hours i would be very upset that i was not here so now i can see the impact mum being home has made for the better.
My husband and i chose to work so hard esp my husband as we ant to be able to give the girls every oppotunity in the world, we dont want to just get by in the world and that is why we have the farm and a beautiful 4 yr old home.. We are only 26 and have achieved so much already. We would both give up work in a second if we could still have the income to provide my children and us the life that they deserve but unless we go on the benifit and lose the farm that is not an option.
In regards to the quoet in my first post yes i still stand by it, and i know that we need to work on things in the aspect that we need to make time for each other and find a comman intrest other than the children. We have talked before about what you said about when the children leave home not wanting to spend time with each other and this is a very real fear of mine...
As i say we do love each other and do need and want each other but facts remain we need to work to maintain the life we want for us and our family so making time around that is something that we have to do, part of my problem is that i dont want to be the "nagging" wife asking him to always find time,
I do appriciate your feed back very much and although i may be acting defensive in the start i know that i need to change things as there is a small part of us that needs work while the most of it is all good.
Since the first post i have definatly made an effort in the bedroom sector and it has improved already so now its a matter of keeping it up...
Sounds good. Just be a little more creative on how you spend your days, ok? Look into co-ops with neighbors, invite your friends and neighbors over, ask family for help now and then...just actively look for ways to find little niches of time. I know all too well how easy it is to just operate automatically, without stopping to think about such things, and before you know it a year has gone by. I'd give anything to have the time back I lost with my D19.
I know that feeling, as my story growing up is a tad different i was adopted and had a great and privladged up bringing however now that i am grown with children of my own i look back and am very sad, i dont have a relationship with my mother not because she was working all the time but because well i dont know she never worked while we were young or ever for that matter but now in our grown up years i look back and can not remember ever having special bonding time woth her, we still now only talk on the phone occasionally and when we see each other which is once in a blue moon we dont really have anything to talk about.She has never looked after my 2 yr old overnight before and seems to be not at all interested in her grandchildren which for me is so hard to watch...i dont want to be that mother who does not know thier children i know the way i feel about our relationship i wont let that happen with my girls and we have a great relationship..
wow sorry i went off on a completly different tangent then haha sorry,
I am currently in a similar situation, a bit different but I can understand where u coming from. I guess the thing I can tell u is to try an do things together. U an ur hubby r used to the same thing day in and day out like me an my wife. So try an do something he likes or both of u enjoy. U have to communicate even if it's just about the weather cause that is what I do with my wife it's weird but it helps or even about the kids maybe u saw the kids doing something he never seen them doing ... just make up conversation an take it from there. Don't rush nor push take it easy and make him feel wanted ... I wish my wife could be interested in saving our marriage like u willing to put ur self out their to save ur's. Don't force the sex it will come after u make him feel wanted an needed trust me I know. u should also do different things do something u never do during the day just make him think ? thats all, curiosity which we all have will take over and he will come to u.
Zato... it is so nice to know that the husbands in the relationships also care about this sort of thing and that its not just us woman beeing needy hahah.... my husband now is starting to get the understanding that he needs to be tuned into our marriage and not just in the bedroom, he has really stepped up , so much to the point he has planned a weekend away for us in 2 weeks...
when you say we are used to the same thing day in and day out you are so true, it is life has become a bit of a routine , this needs to be broken and changed around a bit...
i wish you the best with your wife
Try to spend more time together doing things you enjoy or experiment with something new. You may have to be creative. Try something you have never done before and experince it together. Maybe, you can take turns doing a new activity or going somewhere you choose, then alternate.
How do hubby and i get close again???? 
Re: How do hubby and i get close again???? 
