My husband and I were having a very casual conversation about arguments and how he has to work at keeping his anger at bay. I asked him what happens if he passes that threshhold and he said (besides me not wanting to see it), that he will start spewing out the most hurtful things towards whom he is upset at. He then goes on to tell me that when we are arguing and he tells me he "dosen't want to talk about it" (that is his code for I am on the verge of being very angry) and I don't automatically let it go, that he has really had to work at not saying some really horrible things to me. He said he has wanted to say things to me at times, the kind of things which I would not recover from emotionally (our our marraige specifically I guess).
So I guess my purpose of this post is....do other people think such horrible thoughts about their spouses when they are angry, but then not have those thoughts during other times? I can honestly say that while I've been really mad at him because he can admittadly be VERY stubborn and hardheaded, I have never thought about horrible things that I could say to him that would cut him so deep. It just really makes me wonder if he really thinks horrible things about me.
I think during the early years of marriage, my wife and I would say hurtful things to "win" an argument. An argument about leaving the toilet seat up could end up with us yelling over things that happened 4 years earlier in college. And yes - it would get personal.
As we've matured, we've learned to do a better of job keeping the conversation focused on the issue at hand and not making things too personal.
Sounds to me like your husband might be a bit immature. How old are you guys? How long have you been married?
I think it's like a defense mechanism. Some people will start to retaliate with hurtful things, just to try and hurt the other person so they are not the only ones feeling wounded. It's not that they TRULY feel that way but in order to defend themselves they lash out.
I was guilty of doing this to a degree in the beginning of our marriage and had to consciously work at not doing it.
Ok, well it sounds like he is not alone. We are in our early 30's and have been married less than a year. I do not think that he is immature (for this) because he chooses not to say hurtful things to me which is a step forward for him because apparently he has done it in the past. I definately do not like the fact that he apparently has this horrible stuff he thinks about me and he would at times like to tell me to hurt me, but I guess if he dosen't say it then I shouldn't be worried?
Thanks for your responses. I have never been a fighter and have never had anger issues, so it is hard for me to understand where he is coming from at times.
I've never had serious anger issues either...it is hard for me to "read" the signals and walk away from the argument before it truly hurts me. I guess my strong desire to RESOLVE things...but my hubby has to decompress at times and if I keep pushing then he explodes verbally and says things that he may not mean.
Larniegrl, it sounds like our husbands and us may be one in the same. I totally want to talk about something and resolve it but the more I push the more angry he gets. Only reason I want to talk about it though is because I know it will bother me until we talk about it, but he would just as well forget it and not speak about it again going on happily as if nothing happened. Thankfully I haven't pushed him past his breaking point but i've seen the look in his eyes when he finally gets really mad and yells at me to stop talking...but thankfully he has not said anything devistating...yet.
I definitely think like that. My wife has fortunately learned when to just back off and give me time to chill out before we try to resolve it. We oftentimes have a slight personality clash with the most important issues, and it doesn't help that i have a 'problem solver' mentality and she has a 'make peace at any cost' mentality.
I used to have a huge temper. I learned to control it, and now I'm able to think and calmly discuss things that irritate or anger me.
But years ago....yes, like your husband, I had to control myself not to say hurtful things. Now, with my ex, I didn't control myself because I didn't like him so I didn't really care if I hurt him; he'd already hurt me, so I figured fair was fair.
The point to that is to say that he doesn't want to say those things to you, so I would say that no, he doesn't really feel them. It's just that when you get so angry, emotions are running so high you can't think clearly and defend your stance in the argument, so instead you start thinking mean things about the other person. Once those things are said, they can't be taken back, true or not. So...the fact that he is angry enough to think those things, and still loves you enough in that anger to control himself and not say them, is actually a good thing....well, as far as there can be a good thing in having a huge temper.
Your post reminded me of my wife, who has BPD. Her mind convinces her of really bad things about me that are simply not true. For instance, I have finally stood up to her disease, and told her that I'm tired of feeling like the worst guy in the world. I've tried to help her lovingly. She translates that as me trying to destroy her as a person.
For some people, like the previous posters said, its a matter of just losing control. Only time will tell.
Maybe you should see if he is feeling things that are not true, because these types of things will only get worse.
Probably a better example is with my computer. I built my wife her own computer based on her interests, but sometimes its easier for her to use mine. 20 years ago, this might have bothered me a little, but now it doesn't. If I need mine, however, I'll ask her how long she'll be. Two days ago, I simply walked by my study on the way out and she slammed the mouse down, telling me that I didn't have to be such a jerk about it. I ignored it and continued where I was going, which was outside to work. That night, we talked about it. Calm discussions are hard for her, but she said nothing. I had a nice note on my desk a day later.
Either way, its one of those things that he needs to get a handle on, because it can really build up hurts on your end. As long as he is not violent, then maybe a personality disorder is not there.
Now, her therapist said that because I don't let things get to me, it is making her feel really bad about herself.
This sounds like my husband.
He can say some very hurtful things when he's angry. We'd both rather not let it get past a certain point where he is really not controlling his words.
It's good that your husband is letting you know that he has this tendency, because it's better NOT to find out by having to hear it.
Like you, I can't fathom saying certain things to someone I love, no matter how angry I am. I still don't really comprehend that this is how my husband's mind operates.