how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »General Relationship Discussion » how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 03-29-2010, 01:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Harvard's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 118
Default how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

Really? I would appreciate some feed back on this. Thanks!

Drawings, Pictures, Animals, People, Jewelry, Bracelets, Necklaces, fashion
__________________
www.heathersfineart.com
Harvard is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-29-2010, 02:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 36
Default Re: how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

Seems like an anonymous forum is a good place to go! Seriously though, when i'm frustrated or confused it is nice to go someplace and see that other people have similar issues and thoughts. Since I don't like to really talk with family and friends about personal issues because I don't want them to think ill of my spouse, I'll do stuff like this.
sunshine31 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-29-2010, 03:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Harvard's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 118
Default Re: how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

Yep, I agree. I like this site a lot.
__________________
www.heathersfineart.com
Harvard is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2010, 08:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Richmond, Virginia
Posts: 58
Default Re: how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

Try communicating with them openly, honestly and respectfully.
del88 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2010, 08:36 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Affaircare's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 2,765
Default Re: how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

It might help if we had an "idea" of the sort of frustration you mean. Is it "he makes this BLECH noise when he slurps his runny nose" irritation or "He won't stop going out with his buddies like he's a single man" anger? There is a little bit of a difference.

Either way, it would work to do what I can W-T-F-S. That's initials for "When you ___, I Think ___, I Feel ___, So I'm going to ask ___."

So let's pretend it's making a blech noise when he slurps his runny nose.

"When you make that sucky slurp sound when you inhale your congested nose, I think it is fairly rude and not really all that courteous, I feel grossed out and a little like you're treating me with polite manners, and so I'd like to ask if you'd blow your nose instead of suck or possibly if you'd go to the bathroom to do it or let me know ahead of time so I can leave the room. Any one of those three would work for me a little better. Would you be willing to do that?"

See, this way you tell 'em what the trouble is, what you think and feel, and ask for a solution that would actually be okay with you. Now they may say yes () or they may say no--in which case just ask them what they would suggest or how they'd solve it and keep negotiating until you get something you're both okay with.
__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies
Affaircare is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2010, 09:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,189
Default Re: how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post
It might help if we had an "idea" of the sort of frustration you mean. Is it "he makes this BLECH noise when he slurps his runny nose" irritation or "He won't stop going out with his buddies like he's a single man" anger? There is a little bit of a difference.

Either way, it would work to do what I can W-T-F-S. That's initials for "When you ___, I Think ___, I Feel ___, So I'm going to ask ___."

So let's pretend it's making a blech noise when he slurps his runny nose.

"When you make that sucky slurp sound when you inhale your congested nose, I think it is fairly rude and not really all that courteous, I feel grossed out and a little like you're treating me with polite manners, and so I'd like to ask if you'd blow your nose instead of suck or possibly if you'd go to the bathroom to do it or let me know ahead of time so I can leave the room. Any one of those three would work for me a little better. Would you be willing to do that?"

See, this way you tell 'em what the trouble is, what you think and feel, and ask for a solution that would actually be okay with you. Now they may say yes () or they may say no--in which case just ask them what they would suggest or how they'd solve it and keep negotiating until you get something you're both okay with.
It's all about the delivery of the words. If my wife said that I would think she is pissed because we don't talk to each other that way.

It would be more like "Honey, quit that.....ehhhh....and she would make a face" and then say "but I still love you..." and then I would slap her on the butt and say something cheesy.

The result would be I wouldn't do it again, but I think I rate extremely high on being ultra observant to my wife's needs.
OhGeesh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2010, 10:04 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,081
Default Re: how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Harvard View Post
how do you handle your frustration with your spouse? I would appreciate some feed back on this.
I personally take it directly to him, I do not wait for the right time or the right words, I just put it out there, lay it on the table & be open/honest/even raw. Probably not the best advice for some -as timing & our frame of mind might need a little adjustment before we unload our frustrations on another.

Luckily, my husband well understands me and is pretty cool with my "direct" approach.

I am the type if I do not unload what is starting to eat at me when I feel something is "building", I risk becoming like a living volcano and the unleashing/eruption after I have allowed myself to fester is MUCH WORSE than just going to him when I first start to feel any kind of "unpleasant-ness" due to something he said, did, or some irritation that is affecting "us".

He, on the other hand, might fester a little before coming to me- he is not as direct, but I can always tell if something is bothering him and I make it my immediate goal to sit him down & we discuss.

Communication is simply vital & life saving.

The give & take of sharing how you are feeling -even the bad(without personal attack)-because of what he/she did or didn't do and truly listening from their perspective -as well.

Nothing better in life - except maybe sex .
SimplyAmorous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2010, 11:39 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: U.S.
Posts: 210
Default Re: how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
I personally take it directly to him, I do not wait for the right time or the right words, I just put it out there, lay it on the table & be open/honest/even raw. Probably not the best advice for some -as timing & our frame of mind might need a little adjustment before we unload our frustrations on another.
I agree with everything you said in theory but... Gosh I wish I could do this! You make it sound so simple I'm always weighing things in my head before discussing with H and by the time I'm done weighing things out I never address it but it almost always comes back to haunt me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Harvard View Post
Really? I would appreciate some feed back on this. Thanks!
As I said, the direct communicative approach is best I think. As for how I handle it, as stated I usually weigh out everything in my mind. What made me frustrated? Why did it make me frustrated? Am I justified in being frustrated? Can I just let it go and move on? This is not a process I recommend
WantsHappiness is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2010, 12:30 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: SE Wisconsin
Posts: 2,458
Default Re: how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

Communicating. . . when/if that doesn't work, cajoling. . . then anger. . . suggestions of counseling. . . leaving.

If you are already at the frustration/anger stage and tried the former, it's time for counseling. Good luck.

ps: My post is a reflection of what often happens. Ideally, you'd head to counseling immediately if honest communication doesn't work, but most people don't. We should!
sisters359 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2010, 12:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,081
Default Re: how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WantsHappiness View Post
I agree with everything you said in theory but... Gosh I wish I could do this! You make it sound so simple I'm always weighing things in my head before discussing with H and by the time I'm done weighing things out I never address it but it almost always comes back to haunt me.

Question: Why does it come back to haunt YOU? Is it because YOU end up getting too frustrated & eventually erupt - on him ? (like I would describe myself if I kept it in) or HE gets frustrated because YOU are clamming up -and he would rather KNOW where your mind is, he is secure enough to deal with anything you can throw at him? If so, trust him in that.

I think HOW we deal with our spouses has ALOT to do with how they might respond also, no one wants to end up in the doghouse for the next week or so or bring on World War III.

IF you know your husband gets MORE frustrated with "clamming"/silent treatment behavior, then by all means -Do EVERYTHING in your power to become more OPEN with him-and more quickly, let things out to help him understand your world, even little things you may think are insignificant.

But then IF Being genuinely Open/honest/constructively critical will result in his getting "Offended", this is more tricky, some spouses will throw these little frustrations we share back in our faces in future fights - and never let it die. That is something to consider also. For these spouses, we need to weigh our words incredably carefully & timely.

To me, this would be SOOOOO much more difficult to deal with. That really has little to do with you though and how you share your pain, it is more a reflection on the spouse who can not handle "the truth" or want to work on getting along better. I feel bad for anyone who has a spouse they have to literally "walk on egg shells" in order to keep the peace, that alone would be a form of pent up frustration for many.

Half of the battle is over if you come to the place you both are bound & determined to openly share -with understanding - all that is on your hearts & minds, all your frustrations, all your joys.
SimplyAmorous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2010, 03:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: U.S.
Posts: 210
Default Re: how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
Question: Why does it come back to haunt YOU? Is it because YOU end up getting too frustrated & eventually erupt - on him ? (like I would describe myself if I kept it in) or HE gets frustrated because YOU are clamming up -and he would rather KNOW where your mind is, he is secure enough to deal with anything you can throw at him? If so, trust him in that.

I think HOW we deal with our spouses has ALOT to do with how they might respond also, no one wants to end up in the doghouse for the next week or so or bring on World War III.

IF you know your husband gets MORE frustrated with "clamming"/silent treatment behavior, then by all means -Do EVERYTHING in your power to become more OPEN with him-and more quickly, let things out to help him understand your world, even little things you may think are insignificant.

But then IF Being genuinely Open/honest/constructively critical will result in his getting "Offended", this is more tricky, some spouses will throw these little frustrations we share back in our faces in future fights - and never let it die. That is something to consider also. For these spouses, we need to weigh our words incredably carefully & timely.

To me, this would be SOOOOO much more difficult to deal with. That really has little to do with you though and how you share your pain, it is more a reflection on the spouse who can not handle "the truth" or want to work on getting along better. I feel bad for anyone who has a spouse they have to literally "walk on egg shells" in order to keep the peace, that alone would be a form of pent up frustration for many.
Itís not so much that I explode as a result of holding it all in, I just get extremely resentful and eventually shut down emotionally even when my "process" has determined that I need to let something go. Itís not logical, I know. People canít know that something bothers me unless I tell them so I canít hold resentment towards them for bothering me when they donít know theyíve bothered me, but thatís the cycle. Iím working on it big time. Opening up is number one thing Iím working on actually as a result of marriage counseling but it just doesnít come naturally to me.

My H is also an expert at turning things around. For a long time when I did try to communicate, if it was anything he had done that I reacted negatively to (or that was causing me frustration) he would turn it around and point to something I had done to cause his reaction which I therefore deserved. He does very much bring up ďold stuffĒ whenever a new problem arises.

H says he is more bothered by the claming up response. Heís working on his reactions to me sharing my feelings (he also has anger issues) but itís hard for both of us not to take everything so personally. We seemed to share many opinions and such in the beginning and a deviation from the same opinion is regarded as an insult. Also ridiculous, I know.

Oy, I sound so dysfunctional! The thing is that I know the right way to handle things, I can advise people all day long on their problems, but when it comes to my own I fail to use the tools I have.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
Half of the battle is over if you come to the place you both are bound & determined to openly share -with understanding - all that is on your hearts & minds, all your frustrations, all your joys.
I love this statement and I might print it out to tape to my monitor if you donít mind


Sorry to have hijacked your thread, Harvard, but hopefully some of that is helpful to you too.
WantsHappiness is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2010, 04:27 PM   #12 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,311
Default Re: how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?

how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?-dammit-doll-new.sized.jpg

You could purchase a dammit doll
__________________
~Swedish

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein
swedish is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Communication Frustration lsunshine General Relationship Discussion 7 09-07-2012 04:36 PM
Sexual Frustration phantomfan Sex in Marriage 44 03-08-2012 09:57 PM
How to handle Thanksgiving without spouse Houstondad Coping with Infidelity 11 11-24-2011 05:55 PM
Sexual Frustration Anonymous123 Sex in Marriage 2 08-04-2010 02:39 PM
Grrrr Frustration hockey_mom General Relationship Discussion 6 09-17-2009 01:50 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:59 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage