This is me

37% Touch
30% Quality Time
20% Word Affirmation
10% Acts of Service
3% Gifts

I forget hers, which she did a few weeks ago, but was something like:

33% Acts of Service
25% Quality time

I forget the rest. She surprised me with #1 because she never really gives me any positive feedback on the extra things I do for her. Quality time would seem to be number one.

When I have pointed out how important touch is to me she seems to do it less. As if to make me suffer more. Sad.

madimoff

Love languages have intrigued me since I first saw them mentioned on TAM & checked out the 'quiz'.... now, apologies for not reading all the thread but I remain mystified about one aspect, which for me is fundamental.
I came out physical touch/words of affirmation equal top, then on down. He came out Acts of Service, words of affirmation, then on down.
But what does this mean? Does he like ME to show HIM my love by using Acts of Service or does he prefer to show ME his love by using Acts of Service? Same question for me, etc etc.
I know either way it's a useful bunch of information, I just wish I was clear about exactly how to USE it to improve our relationship (which incidentally, by phone last night he said he's much more positive about and actually thinks we'll make it through ()..... which was a double edge sword because that means up to now he didn't but hadn't told me)
So, back to Love Languages, which way round is it?

RandomDude

^ It's been a while since all this...

Anyways, for example; let's say the missus got higher for physical touch and words of affirmation, it means; that's her love language, that's how she 'interprets' love and how she wants to feel loved. So as a hubby; I have to make her feel loved through this language. Started to let go of my pride and tell her how much I really admire and adore her.

But then for me I have acts of service and quality time; I enjoy romance as well as a woman who takes pride in our home and family, she was already great with the house and our daughter but was lacking in the romance part for a while (due to her nymphomaniac tendencies). However, she let go of that and understood my language more, how I need some 'buildup' before the flop etc.

We've been quite passionate this year really, sometimes I get bored though. Like REALLY bored. Still thinking of ways to start a fight but we've kinda run out of ideas.

So now I'm thinking of pranks YouTube - ‪Most Awesome - Crazy Couples Pranks (2)‬‏
Well, at least it's better then starting fights out of boredom!!!! Heh

madimoff

So our languages are similar to those examples, meaning (sorry to be pedestrianly slow about this but I want to be clear!!)
That my OH should be attempting to provide the physical touch and words of affirmation - such as how much he admires, cherishes, adores me etc. that I crave, and I should be (maybe not doing more housework, he knows that would be MEGA!!!) making sure errands are done when he's given plenty of notice, MAYBE doing a bit of dusting from time to time if he's particularly sneezy, that kind of thing? and actually also letting him know he's loved and admired, because he too had words of affirmation. I know I've made light of it, but is that what it's about? Doing stuff that doesn't come naturally in order to fulfil a need in your partner which helps them feel loved because you're expressing it in ways they relate to?

magnoliagal

The part where it doesn't come naturally is key in my marriage. It's pushing myself out of my comfort zone to meet his love language needs instead of just giving what I want.

RandomDude

Yes, that's what it's about - your spouse's needs, not yours.

Over time you'll also realise that these languages may change, people grow, people change, and new issues arise when couples grow apart during these changes, instead of growing together.

SimplyAmorous

Yes, Generally if you are a Physical toucher yourself, it comes completely natural to you to want to lavish this on your partner.

Or if you LOVE & relish gifts , chances are you would take great pride in selecting them, wrapping them and attach special meaning to each one. I used to know an older lady-she was almost 90, she seriously saved gifts she was given over 50 yrs ago, she could tell me exactly who gave them to her, when & why, great pride in this. She also loved to give gifts. This had to be the top of her love language list.

This is why I feel & will teach my children to Try to find someone with similar LOVE Languages, cause I think it is like fighting the wind if you have a spouse with extreme opposites, it would likely get on your nerves if you craved more physical affection and they wanted to help you clean the house, feeling that should be enough. That would blow my top!

Or wanting more time, but husband brings you gifts instead. We need to fundamentally understand what makes each other feel loved, and the more natural that comes to us, the "easier"- more free flowing giving JUST IS for us.

I suppose not everyone gives what they want in return, but it GENERALLY is supposed to work this way. That is why men are often going to the women's crotch so quickly in sex, cause that is what THEY want, not realizing this is rarely what the woman wants, she likes touched all over.

Don't we instinctively Do what we "want" (I know I do) -unless we are told differently or enlightened somehow, and vow to make it a new habit, a new way of life to please our partner.

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"Love Good Blog"

Mike188

I shared this with our marriage counselor today. She laughed her ass off. Of course my wife was not there. The counselor said she shares my love of sarcasm, but said that my wife wouldn't appreciate the humor in it. Maybe she's right.

OhGeesh

Tried couldn't take it I can't pick I liked both of the options everytime.......

nader

I am overwhelmingly a physical touch guy (sex, backrubs, slow dancing, making out/foreplay/oral) with words of affirmation and quality time as secondary. Wife I believe is acts of service and QT.

I DEFINITELY project the physical touch towards my wife, always wanting to hug, kiss, caress, etc. even when we aren't about to have sex. I don't think it means the same to her as it would to me. Sometimes I would just kill for a really good backrub. . . I'm sensitive about words as well and I think more so in the negative; I get really agitated if she uses a harsh tone to scold or nag me about something. I always find myself rephrasing things for her to say, like "You could have just said, yes, the dishwasher is clean, without making a fuss over it!". Conversely, when she tells me how awesome/handsome/good with the baby I am I just want to melt.

acts of service is kind of tough because she really likes to do things herself and is really particular about how things are done; but she is always appreciative if I do something extra or above/beyond what's expected. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it but she is generally more handy around the house than I am.

Quality time is a no brainer for either of us though.. we love to go on drives to the mountains, restaurants for date nights, and we do our best to have an in-house date night (meaning put the baby down earlier) every wednesday when we can.

MGirl

I'm the exact same way. I think I could survive on physical touch and words of affirmation alone. My husband, on the other hand, scored *very* low on the physical touch part and seriously doesn't like being touched very often. At all. He'll actually push me away if I get too touchy. He loves being around my family because they are very much *non-touchy* people and his family is very warm and touchy to show they care. He says he can't stand his family being so affectionate physically. I really can't identify. Hence why I love his family so much.

It's unfortunate how our natural tendency to try to make our spouse feel loved by using the things that make us feel loved. I'm big on complimenting because I love compliments myself. I have to really try to not to get too touchy with my husband because I know he doesn't like it like I do and quite honestly gets annoyed with it at times. I have to make a conscious effort to focus on doing things that make *him* feel loved, not myself. I really do wish they were the same things, sometimes, though.

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Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde

the-songbird

Words of Affirmation: 30%
This is huge for me. I really need to hear that he is proud of me for working so hard, or that he thinks I'm beautiful, or that my outfit looks cute, etc. Words just have such an effect of me. If he says something nice, I can feel warm and happy about it for a few hours, and the same goes with something insulting or negative - I can feel upset for hours. He doesn't really understand that yet, but I have faith that he will. We're still very young in our marriage.

Quality Time: 27%
I love being around my honey. Just little things, and new experiences with him make me happy. For example, we plan to go apple picking in a few weeks here, when fall picks up, and I'm so excited to do so. I can't tell if it's as important to him. I'll have to have him take this test!

Receiving Gifts: 17%
Doesn't have to be expensive, doesn't even have to be store bought. Heck, he could bring me home a dandelion and I would love it, because it would show me that he was thinking about me during his day. He saw that dandelion and thought, "Oh, she loves yellow. She'll like this." You know? And I'm the type of person that LOVES giving people things, and making people things, so it fills me up to find little things for him as well.

Acts of Service: 10%
Eh. I mean. It's nice if he does something for me - don't get me wrong. I appreciate it and think it's wonderful, but it isn't what fills me up the most.

Physical Touch: 17%
This will be [I'm guessing] one of my husband's top scored Love Languages. And it is one of my least. This has been affecting our marriage greatly. I haven't been giving as much as I should have. I love holding hands and being near someone, and kisses, but it isn't the most important thing to me.

heartsbeating

Physical touch is important to me. I was thinking about this after taking the quiz and realized this extends to friendships also. Those closest to me, are the type of friends that give and receive what I call "real" hugs. I observe hugs the way a business person might observe handshakes. I feel somewhat put-off if someone gives me a pat-on-the-back type of hug. It makes me question their caring towards me, are they being fake, or wonder if they're uncomfortable with me. While this might be true, it could also be that it's just not the language they speak!

With my H though, I love giving and receiving massages, hair strokes, hugs ....and of course sexual intimacy. Here's our results which were VERY similar. This actually surprised me a bit.

ME
Physical Touch: 33%
Quality Time: 27%
Words of Affirmation: 23%
Acts of Service: 13%
Receiving Gifts: 3%

My H
Physical Touch: 33%
Quality Time: 27%
Acts of Service: 20%
Words of Affirmation: 17%
Receiving Gifts: 3%

__________________
"Victims; aren't we all" - The Crow

SimplyAmorous

I am reviving my own thread....just to relay a story about an older couple I personally know..., I've sat & ate lunch with them a # of times, been in & out of their house, witnessed their marriage in action, I do a job for them so I have gotten to know them over the past year very nicely .... ...that just illustrates how easily these love languages flow within a marriage ... when they are in sinc with each other...

Now, she is an excellent Cook , I enjoy getting recipes from her, so I asked her one day "How often does your husband compliment your cooking? ".... she says immediately "Never", she wasn't upset or anything....then goes on to tell me something I would have a hard time believing...

.... she told me they have been marreid for 39 yrs and he has ONLY complimented her ONE TIME..... it was 19 yrs into their marraige (or she said 10 yrs - would it matter !!) ....she remembers the day, the black dress she was wearing , where she was and she almost fainted... I looked at her , my mouth hanging on the floor.... and said "....Well I can tell you one thing without a shadow of a doubt, Words of Affirmation is not very high on your list or you would want to take his head completely off "!

Now I really was SHOCKED, I know this couple well, they ARE happy-obviously these things don't bother her, she says he makes up for it in other ways... they have a GOOD marraige.

We talked some more, we established they are both "Acts of Service" being #1 with "Gifts" following right behind... It was very obvious to me that "Time" was not a big thing for either of them.... she would be making her quilts, planning things for the community, talking on the phone with friends, busy within the home doing her own thing...... he would be out fishing, hunting, in the garage, in the basement ....always doing little deeds for her, and she seemed delighted with this, his running to the store, fixing something.... even HE made "gifts" for friends, they showed me this Playing card board he constructed for 2 of his guy friends.... They enjoyed cruises and bus trips.

A marraige made in Heaven. Same Love languages on top.

On the way home, I was thinking to myself.... there is no way on this side of life I could be matched with man like that, he might be a great guy & all ...but I would be vehemently annoyed with someone who didn't feel the DESIRE to compliment once in a while, a little flirting (how unromantic & roommatish !).... he'd be more pleased with himself that he brought me flowers -over cuddling up over a movie during his off days.

Now...their marraige is likely as happy as ours..... there's flows very naturally just loving as they do ... they are harmonously matched - as I feel my own marriage is...... but what we enjoy is a total 180 of the other.

For Valentines in a few days, they will likely exchange chocolates Or some elaborate gift for each other..... all me & mine will think is ...Our Gift IS each other... lets get naked & a little verbal ravishing & mushy talk is icing on cake! No material gifts necessary , no chocolate, jewelry or flowers can compare to a simple roll in the hay- for me.

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"Love Good Blog"

waiwera

One thing I keep seeing on this thread is people who see 'gifts' as physical things only.

In the book a big part of gifts is being there for your spouse at difficult times like loss of parents/funerals, birth of babies... times when you want nothing more than your H or W's hand to hold or maybe shoulder to cry on. I wonder if some folks here would see that as quality time??

I have this book but we haven't done the quizzes for a while. think I'll get it out and have another read. Great book.