martino

Hi all,

Having some concerns that may sound like whining but here goes. Any sarcastic and mean comments will roll right off me, so if you don't have anything constructive to say don't bother.

Married 10 years have a special ed 7 year old son together that needs taken to therapy clinics four days a week. He is the only thing keeping me from leaving her right now. She works full time, I work part time and take him to and fro during the week. I'm self employed so this is what works best.

I really feel at the bottom of her priority list, she rarely shows affection, once I was texting her some love notes and she reminded me that they cost money, yet she text messages her girl friends. Intimacy problems, she likes fast and to the point, and I would prefer longer time spent. She is just one of those people that isn't good at expressing emotion, and I am the opposite, I crave communication and intimacy, where I think it is much more difficult for her. I'm a full time employed musician and she works in a clinic and loves it see the personality difference?

I have asked her if anything is wrong, she said no. I told her, tell me anything that might be wrong, I can handle bluntness even if it hurts my male ego like a sex problem. Again, NO, so either she has no problems, or won't tell me. I know she isn't having an affair bacause neither of us have the time, we know where each other is all the time and that isn't in her nature, she isn't even sexually driven enough to handle two guys I don't think. I've asked to go to a counselor with me, she wouldn't but I did, I followed the counselor's advice and they were good tips but still not correcting the root of our problem. I just feel like i'm always giving way more to the relationship than she is.

I've sent her emails explaining how I feel, she never even responds back. When asked why she says she can't because some nosy co-worker likes to look over shoulders. Yet i've seen in her email, conversations with a couple close friends of her's discussing their problems in detail. But yet she can't write me.

I'm sure to some this might sound whiny and trivial, but the truth is it hurts. It hurts because i've told her again and again, that this bothers me and she says she doesn't know what I want. She says she loves me and couldn't imagine life without me. The problem is that she doesn't show it often enough or in a style that I don't get?. I think it's really just a huge clash of personalities. It has me feeling like i'm just watching my years unhappily pass, but my son needs two strong people in his life, he has mental delay and a radical change in his life like a divorce would mess him up bad so I can't leave her.

So then I try and back off to show her what it feels like, she picks up on that, goes out of her way for a couple days to pursue me until she gets the feeling that everything is ok, then back to her old ways again. This cycle repeats over and over. I end up feeling patronized. I just feel taken for granted.

Any advice? I truly don't know what else to do?

Thank you,

-E

drax

Hi Martino/everyone
This is my first message here, and i am deeply touched by your mail. Isn't it funny how couples are matched up in marriages sometimes. One might be tempted to think that maybe your wife is having emotional affair with someone else in her head, thereby making her rigid and unpassionate towards you OR maybe it is just her nature. IF you will like to drive home the point that you are really fed up, you need to show it via your action(s) to yourself i.e let her realise that you are beginning to think of having an affair of your own. Do this by changing the way you dress, have a new good looking haircut, polish your shoes, use nice smelling men perfumes, and try as hard as you can to play her in her own games i.e dont show her any emotions as well even when she plans to be nice to you. Express to her that if you are emotionless as she is, then your marriage will not be a very happy one. REMEMBER; whatever you do, always be there for your son. Your wife cannot eat her cake and have it at the same time. You have to be serious when you do this, and you will see that she might change and be more affectionate.
Wish you all the best mate

Amplexor

Martino

If you were always different in your communication needs it is unlikely she will radically change. The two of you need to try and find a happy medium in the way you show love for each other. There is nothing trivial or whiney about asking your mate to fill your needs. That’s what a relationship is all about. I’m sure you’ve seen it suggested on this forum many times but try Chapman’s Five Languages of Love. It may be a very good read for both of you and give you each an different perspective on communication. I think it positive that when you talk about your needs she tries to fill those for a couple of days. Even though she isn’t sticking it out at this point it shows she does care. She needs some help from you to get into a regular habit. Good luck.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

martino

Hi,

Thank you for your thoughtful comments, I agree with Drax that I need to start flaunting what i've got and keep distance, but not with the intention of showing her that I might cheat. That is almost a bullying technique that I don't agree with.

As far as the lower response, I've read " 5 Love Languages" as it was suggested by our therapist and I showed it to her and said she could read it..she never did. Anything in the therapy world freaks her out, because her father was severly depressed and suicidal and they had to do group therapy years ago when she lived at home. She relates with her own family on a very artificial and one dimensional level, my own sister told me that she loves her but that she is one dimensional, that there is something inside locked away that nobody will ever see.

I think that our relationship is something on her "to do" list in her mind. I imagine her thought process as: Get groceries, pick up son, do hubby quick so I can watch the rest of Survivor and have time to read my book. She reads novels endlessly, while our son demands attention constantly, it's like her head is buried in the sand with those books.

There's no affair going on, that I would bet on, she's just a mechanical person I think but it gets tougher to live with.

Thanks,
E

swedish

I know for me it took several times in my past where I reached out emotionally which was difficult to do and was rejected and eventually built a very strong emotional wall where I just kept my feelings to myself. My current husband has always been loving towards me, so it wasn't fair for me to be emotionally disconnected from him, he did nothing to deserve that, but once that wall is there it's very hard to break through. It took a major wake up call (me knowing if I didn't change, he would leave) to finally tell him everything that was going on in my head. We are much stronger now. I still need to work at saying what I'm thinking. I don't think the subtle approach will work with your wife. I think you need to have a serious discussion about how this is making you feel and that you need more than a temporary fix. The reason I kept to myself was out of fear...I think fear that if he knew that I wasn't as strong, confident, emotionally stable as I appeared on the outside that he couldn't/wouldn't want to deal with the real me.

martino

Thank you swedish I wouldn't be at all surprised if that is the case. She has some self image issues for sure. I like getting insight into the female mind so do write more if you would.

Thanks!
E

swedish

tv and reading are both great ways to escape from yourself. I too, never thought I would see a head-shrinker...but I did this last winter when I hit bottom and knew I just needed to get my head sorted. And now I will formally apologize to any head-shrinkers reading this post. It did help me a lot.

I was going through the motions in life, doing the things that had to be done. Hopes and dreams are for people who have time on their hands but I learned at a very young age that I need to be self-reliant (both of my parents had addictions of sorts) so I very much thought as a realist and did what needed to be done, like it or not. After much self-reflection, I realize eventually I will crash and burn if I don't change what I'm doing. I just needed to figure out what makes me happy and introduce some balance into my life and learn to ask for help. My husband stepped up and supports me with the things that need to get done. I just had to tell myself I was done living in that numb state.

I can say that having a nephew with a rare syndrome, who we watch once a week and whenever we can on weekends, is a non-stop full-time deal, but then we send him back home where my sister and brother-in-law take over 24/7 including the therapy and constant hospital emergencies. They are amazing parents and I know what a toll his care can be for them at times. Her husband is also a musician and plays guitar many nights for hours to get him to go to sleep...so when I am trying to get him to sleep, I just strum and strum...no idea how to play the thing...and he knows it!

martino

Swedish please chime in here...it's now 3:30 am I cannot sleep and am puzzled as to what I should do. So Sunday night she makes sure our son is occupied, comes up stairs and tells me, "lets make this a quick one, I don't know how long he will self entertain" well he's done fine in the past I think to myself but ok, 15 min later were done and I casually follow her downstairs and boom she quickly sits down an un pauses "Survivor", so I get mad when I realized that this quickie was most likely based around "Survivor." Again, I feel like a John to my own wife.

This is an example of a long running complaint i've had, and she doesn't seem to do anything about it. She will deny and deny this and did (that it was about Survivor) I will sometimes mention to her in argument that she sure seems to put more effort into her friendships with her girlfriends than us. One in particular she has been close friends like sisters since very young, I truthfully believe she is a lot more open to her than will ever be to me. When I bring this up, she gets furious and denies it but I believe in looking at people's behavior to evaluate thier internal state...don't we all?

If you at all believe in Astrology google: Leo/Virgo in love, it describes us perfectly. "She is rigid, keeps to self, well organized andmechanical,calculating,passive/agressive" "Him,
flamboyant, artistic, tyrant, confrontational, in search of dreamy love" so we don't mix perfectly, but 10 years of marriage accounts for something right?

So now i'm considering a couple of approaches: 1. To back way off and only give what she gives to the relationship. 2. Same but not tell her that I am doing so. 3. To confront her and demand either she go to therapy with or without me and come back with reasons why she puts me off, understands my needs but doesn't care enough to act, figure out why her head is engrossed in constant non stop reading of novels, or I guess figure out if she even wants to stay married. 4. Just plain ask for a divorce.

Tell me what you think,

Thanks,
E

swedish

I'll be honest, I think all four approaches stem from your feelings of frustration with the situation but probably not the best approach if you still want to work on building your marriage.

I think you may be on to something with suggesting therapy, but not as a threat demanding specific results. Therapy just doesn't work that way. I would probably approach it with more empathy. What is it you really want after all? If it's for her to find out what is causing her to withdraw she will need to go into it with a positive attitude wanting to make those changes for herself because she's not happy. The problem lies in that if she thinks everything is fine with herself and you are just expecting too much, therapy won't be the answer. She will need to be invested in the concept...like that old joke:

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But only if the light bulb really wants to change.


Have you thought about marriage counseling? I haven't been myself but I'm thinking it might be helpful to discuss the issues with a third party that could add some insight. Your wife may be in a comfort zone with you where she's not really seeing her actions as a problem but rather your expectations too high. A marriage counselor may be able to put things into better perspective. If there are things bothering her that she's been keeping to herself, it may open up that dialog also.

In the meantime, do you have anyone that can watch your son for an evening? It sounds like you could both use some uninterrupted time together to either take a walk and talk or do something fun with each other.

I don't know...after the survivor thing you are probably feeling pretty unloved/unappreciated so maybe that discussion needs to happen first...how it is making you feel and that you feel you are drifting apart and are lonely in the marriage, etc. Any conversation will be more effective if you talk about your feelings vs. putting her on the defensive where she feels the need to defend herself rather than listen to you.

I don't know how deeply I'd read into her having close friends. I have several but it doesn't mean I'm opening up to them or closer to them than my husband. They mainly like to vent to me and ask for my input...but I'm still more of the keep to myself type. On the other hand, sometimes it's just easier to talk to other women about things.

martino

Swedish,

Well i've asked about about counseling before and a big no, today i mentioned that it would be a good idea if she could go in with an open mind. She works in a clinic and handles that in our house, so she knows it's up to her to book an appt. Odds are she is just hoping this all blows over so things can get back to "normal" again.

We do not have anyone over at night, that just wouldn't work as our son is very quirky and freaked by environmental change. Grandparents will take him when they can, sometimes over night but he isn't easy.

Interestingly i've been paying very close attention and really listening to what she has to say even in small talk (You're laughing right now I know it!) and carefully deciding how I will react to what she says. I can't believe how negative and pessamistic she has become for a woman of 37. Undoubtedly a lot of that has rolled off on her from me. So i'm taking the Skinner approach of only reinforcing positive comments and not negative. I mean in every day talk, nothing serious, but I think it sets attitudes. I've also decided that since she will most likely hope the storm blows over and not pursue counseling that I am at all times keeping in 100 percent control of what I say and do and being careful about expressing myself thereby keeping a safe mental boundary to not show all of myself. She isn't stupid, she will get the point and maybe something will happen. Or she may really like it and it will backfire on me! who knows.

All in all I can't complain too bad, it's just a lot of daily life doldrum going on...the big D isn't happening I don't think.

E

carmaenforcer

Hello martino
I am a man with a woman that has intimacy issues with "ME" (not her co-workers or friends so much) and I have noticed from reading others posts, that this is a common problem.
On this and other relationship web sites I see a pattern that is a little sobering and disturbing to me.
Most women simply do not take care of their men sexually for countless reasons that would have us pandering or jumping through hoops for sex and most women don't see anything wrong with this.

I am not even married 3 years and have been put emotionally through the ringer because of this issue.

I have come to the conclusion that "getting it somewhere else" is the only way to resolve this issue, not fix the problem, but simply resolve the issue. Your Wife will probably still try to play this game for the rest of her life, but the issue will be a non-issue if you just take her out of the equation.

I had been teetering back and forth on actually going through with it myself for reasons of conscience and morals feeling like I was a bad person for even thinking such things. The grim reality is that unless I take care of myself or have someone else satisfy my sexual needs, I will just be tortured by my Wife for the rest of my life. I am not cool with that and so will soon be cheating on my Wife, in search of something that she should be giving me. Don't feel too bad about it though, because they would and probably will do it to us, if the circumstances are right.

Don't agree with me or don't believe me , go ahead and neglect your womans needs and see how far you get.

I hope you find a different solution than the one I've devised but either way, I wish you luck and strength.

martino

I understand where you are coming from, and damn two years of marriage is too soon for these problems. Many women don't undertand that men need it, where they may only like it. I like to quote Dennis Miller who said that if women wanted to control this planet, all they would have to do is stop putting out for 30 days!

Although this doesn't help you i'll say that my situation isn't as dire as your's, actually now at almost 36 years old i'm more interested in quality and lengthy connected sex, versus a semi uncomfortable roll in the sheets with some girl I don't even know although I know that can be fun as well. I get laid plenty often, (wife that is) but it's the quality that concerns me.

I would at least sit down with her and tell her how you feel, and that you feel like you most likely will at some point cheat if things don't change very soon. That way she has been fully warned and doing this should ease your conscience. She might almost challenge you to, she might ask for a divorce, she might go find a boyfriend, you don't know what will happen but at least again she's been warned.

One thing i've learned with age is that i'm very careful about when I hit her up, if she worked all day, cooked dinner, get the kid to bed then after that probably won't be great. Look for daytime or morning if possible when energy is highest. Good luck!

confusedinmo

As a mother and a career driven individual it is sometimes very hard but necessary for me to choose between my job and kids, and it is often convenient for me to choose my career because I know I have back up with my husband...however, if he starts taking on most of the caretaker responsibility I know I start to resent it a little. I sometimes find myself shutting down emotionally in order to avoid dealing with those feelings and sometimes I shut my husband out. However, he does work full time, and travel some and when he's out of town...that is when I spend more time with my girls and I am more connected to my identity as a mother. I don't know if this is how your wife is feeling, but it may be possible that she too is struggling with an identity crisis because of your situation. If you think that is the case, maybe you could arrange for her to spend more one on one time with your son; which may help her feel more connected to her maternal side and less threatened by you. I hope that is not too left field. Anyway, whatever you do, you're right, you should definitely keep your son's welfare upmost priority. Good luck.

Shivond

goes out of her way for a couple days to pursue me until she gets the feeling that everything is ok

*****************************************

Martino,

Your wife still loves you and I know you know that fact already.
You love your wife also right else you would not seek advise from us.

There is hope in your marriage (Lets focus on that)

As for the intimacy issue, Could I suggest you try means to spice things up.

There could be a few reasons why she wants it quick.

(1) MAYBE she finds lovemaking a chore
You might want to explore further techniques which is different from your daily/ normal patterns. There are board games for such, she might appreciate the difference in your intimacy attitude.

1a.- Try a different method compared to the usual that you and her do.

(2) MAYBE the fear of having another child- (I am really sorry to hear about your condition of your child BTW)

I really hope things will get better for you and remember never stop loving her.

__________________
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martino

Shivond,

Thank you for your kind reply. Do you have a board game to recommend? I read somewhere that some are terrible.

I've tried to get her to do different things, she likes what she likes which is little or no foreplay straight to the action. But the times that i've gotten her to slow down and enjoy the "getting there" she seems to enjoy it more.

Our son isn't a huge issue in our marriage, you know having a child with development delay is often a blessing in disguise. You meet lots of therapists who are often first class people, and you really, I mean really, appreciate gains when you seem them before your eyes. Understandably, parents of typical kids do not have that level of appreciation.

Thanks,
E