General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Please help!! I need some advice. I've been married to my husband for over 11 years and we dated for 10, so needless to say it's been quite a while. We have 2 kids 10 and 5 yrs.
Now to my dilemma. Ever since we've been dating, my husband insists on calling me a ridiculous number of time per day. He wants to know what I'm doing. If he can't reach me, he will call over and over again until I answer the phone (he never leaves a message). He then makes up some lame excuse about why he is trying to get in contact with me. I can't stand it!! I feel like he doesn't trust me, although I've never given him any reason not to. I should probably add that I don't love my husband but am staying with him for the kids sake. I would say that this has something to do with the craziness of the phone calls, but like I mentioned, it's been going on since the beginning. It was a red flag that I ignored.
I also have a problem with regard to work. He ALWAYS calls me at 4:55pm to make sure that I am out the door to pick up the kids from daycare/sitter. He never offers to pick them up unless I am already on my home. Only then will he sometimes say, "oh, I'm on the road. I'll go pick them up" as if he's doing me some kind of favor. Now there are many times that an extra hour or two at work would save me days of grief, but he's so selfish he refuses to let me stay past 5:00pm even if its doable.
He also controls all the money. My name is only on one savings account. He gives me money for groceries and if I need it for anything else I have to ask him for it. It's so humiliating as I'm 42 years old.
He refuses to go anywhere with my friends and if we go out with other couples, it has to be his childhood friends and their wives. For the past year I've been contacting all the friends I lost due to the relationship and am trying to rebuild those friendships as I was feeling quite lonley.
My question is this: are these legitimate complaints? Marriage counseling never seems to work with us. He refuses to divorce me and I don't know why. I think he's afraid of failure and I won't just leave because of my kids. I don't think he loves me because if he did, he would respect my jobs (he's actually called some of my old bosses and harassed them...might I add they were female so it wasn't a jealousy move). What should I do? I cannot go on like this. Sometimes I tell myself if I can just make it another 13 years after my kids are grown, I can leave. It just doesn't seem realistic or fair. What to do?
Sometimes it seems that when people stay in a bad marriage it can have worse effects on the children than if they'd split. We learn a lot of behaviors from our parents and mimic them, thinking they are correct. Ideas get implanted in our heads and stick.
I'd worry that the kids see your husband as controlling you, telling you when to be home, not allowing you access to the accounts (even though you say you are working too). How will that effect their future relationships?
How is your relationship otherwise? You say you don't love him so I'm guessing the relationship isn't very "loving"? I think showing your kids how to be in a loving, caring relationship goes far, perhaps even if its not with their dad.
I should probably add that I don't love my husband but am staying with him for the kids sake.
Does he know this?
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Originally Posted by hawt42
He also controls all the money. My name is only on one savings account. He gives me money for groceries and if I need it for anything else I have to ask him for it. It's so humiliating as I'm 42 years old.
I dont understand how he can control all the money if you are working. cant you set up a direct deposit into your account?
He does sound like a control freak, but it also sounds like you let him control you. He's probably under the impression that things are OK.
I definitely let him control me. My check is direct deposited into a savings account that we don't touch. He then in turn gives me a check to cash for groceries. So pathetic!! When I had it deposited into an account of my own he broke it down so that I was paying for the daycare, some bills and groceries and was then left with nothing. When I try to change it the yelling and conversation is far too much for me to handle. He's like a pitbull. He won't stop until he's won. On the few occassions where he hasn't gotten his way he walks around the house glaring at me. He never goes out, but when he does I'm so happy and feel free (even though I can't even order a pizza LOL!).
I have told him that I don't love him. So yes, I think he knows but might be in denial. I'm convinced that he doesn't come to terms with it because he hates failure.
When I try to change it the yelling and conversation is far too much for me to handle. He's like a pitbull. He won't stop until he's won. On the few occassions where he hasn't gotten his way he walks around the house glaring at me. He never goes out, but when he does I'm so happy and feel free (even though I can't even order a pizza LOL!)
good lord. he's like a spoiled child. he wont stop until he gets his way. that would be emotionally exhausting. i can see why you'd just let it go. Is he working, too?
Have you ever stuck to something you wanted until he got over his fit?
There is definitely nothing normal about what you describe. Here's something I just posted to another thread. Find the courage to leave FOR the good of your kids. God bless.
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Why is it always the one who wants to leave who is being selfish? Isn't the person who has refused to listen for years truly the selfish one? All of the leavers are blamed for being the ones "breaking up the family," but often those are the people who have tried and tried to hold it together and have finally, finally, finally reached a point of no return.
If you are done and know you tried what you could, then leave without guilt--yes, without guilt. Your dh needs to let you go at this point and make it easy on the kids, because otherwise HE will be the selfish one. You have sacrificed enough of your happiness to him; time for him to be the one to suck it up and make the sacrifice. An amicable divorce is no disaster for kids--yeah, it can be tough but honestly, most people who don't want to be left GREATLY exaggerate the impact in defense of their own selfish ends. And then b/c they are angry at the leaver, they do things that make it HARDER on the kids than it needs to be. Remember, kids living in a household with an unhappy marriage are suffering, too, and pretty much all the time. One stable, happy, loving and focused parent at least gives the kids 50% of their time in a much healthier environment. I cannot get over the improvement in my kids since my divorce; I don't think I had any idea how much the environment in our household was affecting them (and me). And our relationship was not antagonistic--we were just totally disconnected from each other. Very little open conflict, but the underlying tension--now that it is gone--was having a big impact. My kids are so much happier, frankly. I had no idea the the price THEY were paying for living in a household like that. And they KNOW and SAY they are happier, too.
Do not feel bad about choosing to end your "sacrifice." That is not being selfish; it's refusing to be a doormat anymore. If standing up for what you need means leaving, do it. And do not get pulled into anger or guilt--go with a clean conscious and focus on what really makes you and your kids happy, and you will all be better off.
Is it normal? 
