General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm new, so first I would like to say hi. Okay, I have been married less than a year and I feel like I have some major issues in my marriage. They have been going on for many months and I just don't know what to do.
Here is my first issue. My husband and I hardly ever have sex. I just don't want to. I have no clue why or exactly when it began. Now I feel like a terrible wife. Really, I don't even like to be touched or kissed. I am aware of the behavior and I know that it is not good for the marriage. So...what do I do?
My next issue is that we have just moved and he is starting a new job. I am happy for him. It is a great position and he deserves this job. But they want him to work seven days a week! All I can think is when will I ever see my husband? He'll be too tired to go out. We will wind up leading separate lives. That is not what I want. (I also don't want him to get burnt out.) I know it is what he has to do in order to get in good and excel in his career. But I feel so alone. I am working on getting a job but right now all I do is sit at home all day...alone. I am terrible at making friends. I feel trapped. I ride horses but until I get a job I can't afford to get my horse shipped up here. So my major hobby is on hold.
I just feel alone. Even before the move I felt this way. Like I have built a wall to get away. He is a kind sweet man and deserves so much more than what I am giving him. He never gets upset he just gives my space. But when I do try to talk about it he just sits that. I am so confused...
I wonder if I am just being a brat and it is something everyone goes through. Any advice would be great. I am just tired of feeling alone.
I think you have two problems in your marriage but not the ones you expressed.
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I do try to talk about it he just sits that. I am so confused...
I would say he needs help communicating better with you, and you need to find a way to help him do that. It sounds so much easy to say then do.
For the other issue I think you #1 and #2 problems are connected. Your marriage has supported him so far. You moved for him, he got a promotion, and you fear he will not have the time for you yet you have no passion for him.
Things are good for him, he has control while you have very little even for hobbies to do. I don't think he meant to trap you without friends, family, hobbies or a job but in a way he did. Honestly review yourself to see if the lack of sex might stem from resentment.
I see what you are saying. But, it was really me who pushed for him to go for the job and move. I have lived away from my family since I was 18. I was very unhappy where we were. I am closer to my family now (7 hours). So I am happy about that. And I have never really had many friends. (which is part of the problem i believe. The few I have tend to be "toxic" types. Like telling me since he works all the time he will cheat on me with coworkers. He is more devoted and professional than that.)And the intamacy issues were existant before the move. So I don't think I resent him.
The communication is an issue. I feel like the same conversations are had over and over and nothing ever gets solved. How can i help him? You are right there. It is a HUGE issue.
With the communication issue you can try a few things like having him write things done or communicating through e-mail. If you want to go verbal then do it in a room without distractions. Have him sit while you stand and take his hands in yours (This focuses his attention on you) See how that helps.
On a more personal note, I have been where you are now after losing most everything I had built for years because of my MD while my wife got ahead in her job even though she really didn't like the job and got to go to college while I took care of my business and most all the time with the household including 4 kids. I honestly had a small amount of resentment.
My wife on the other hand got to a point where a dream she had buried for years (college) had built an amount of resentment to me since she felt trapped by being a mother.
It took a lot of honest communication to get all the answers. Even more to fix the problem.
On an off note do you think not having your horse, that tranquil place of peace has effected you?
You need to pull your finger out girl. Sorry... but sitting around moping is not going to do you any good at all, and the resentment against your husband will just grow and grow till it eats you up, and your marriage with it.
You've only been married a short while, and you've just discovered, being part of a pair is hard work. You will have to put in some effort to make it better. The intimacy thing is partly resentment, because everything is going well for him and you feel trapped and lonely. Perhaps there are other issues regarding sex, and your attitudes to it, that you may find a consellor /therapist can help you resolve.
So you will have little time with him.. Ok, where does he work? If it's not far, why don't you make a habit of meeting him for lunch? Doesn't have to be every day. Even if you make some nice sandwiches and go sit on a park bench with him while you both eat and chat. It's not how much time you have that matters, but how you use it.
Get your butt off the chair and find a little job, even if it is part time.. (maybe something that covers the weekend so you are not lonely at a time you would expect to be home with hubby.) Make a few bucks and arrange for your horse to be shipped over. You obviously miss this release. Planning bringing it over will give you something concrete to do with your time and stop you moping..
When he does get home, arrange for dinner to be ready so that you can sit together and chat while you eat, draw him a bath and scrub his back, get him and maybe yourself in the mood for some cuddles and kisses..
If there is a programme on TV you both like, that comes on while he is working, tape it, and save it to watch together..
There is lots you can do... and the motivation is the thought of getting a successful and happy marriage.
One more thing.. how old are you both? Is there an age gap?
Lack of communication is a real passion killer. It is hard to be physically intimate if you dont feel emotionally connected.
You said you say the same things over and over. Its time to change the channel.
First of all, quit trying to have that conversation. Examine the issues that are important to you. How many of these issues do you really need his input on? Set those aside and start tackling the ones you can do on your own one by one. Take responsibility for what you can right now. Dont wait for him to catch up. You have to do this for yourself because (well I know) you can wait for infinity for your man to "get it". He wont right now. Anything you can do for yourself will just make you happier.
Please read what you can about men and women and communications style and motivations. You might try Men ar from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Occasionally in my area couples communications seminars come up through the local learning exchange. If he is resistant about joining you, go on your own. Learn to be the best communicator you can. As you get better at communicating he will get better also.
If you have thoughts of "if only he would" "I could if he does" etc, drop them now. The only person you have to "make" happy in your marriage is yourself. He has to be responsible for himself an you have to be responsible for yourself.
But you have to start this now, before you have major hurts to over come, in addition to communication frustration. Once the hurts start piling up all the rest will help but your job will be much much harder.
I thought about everything much more. And maybe there is some resentment becasue he is going out and learning new things with work and I am home. (I would say I just wish it was me too!) But not having my horse is a HUGE bummer. He is my release.
So...last night I did apply for almost 20 jobs. Maybe I'll get one of those. I will keep up the search. And try to stay busy until then.
I also know that he feels a lack of love. So I made his lunch and let a sewwt note in it. It is not big, but a start.
I wish I could go meet him for lunch, but as of now we only have one car and need to save on gas. BUt we will commute together when I do get a job. If it is close enough I will try to join him for it.
And the idea about solving my own problems is right. I made a list of what I can do on my own and what I need his input for. I will visit those issues later, once things are calmer.
There is a small age gap. I am 23 he is 26.
Thanks for the great advice! I will work hard to but it to good use!
Newly Wed, please help!
