Wife betrayed my trust in her?
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Old 04-15-2010, 06:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife betrayed my trust in her?

I had a medical issue diagnosed two years ago and right from the start I told my wife that I didn't want anyone else to know about it, not even friends or family. It wasn't anything life threatening but it was very personal to me, and she promised that she would never tell anyone else.

A bit over a month ago I had finally got everything sorted out medically. I had to take some time off work and during this time her family had invited us for a meal, which my wife went to and apparently told everyone that I was at home ill to explain why I didn't go. A week later whilst she was on the phone to her sister I inadvertently (I wasn't eavesdropping - just happened to be sitting at the top of the stairs and she didn't realise I was there) overheard a comment she made about me "still being tender" that didn't make any sense unless she was referring to my problem - which I knew she couldn't be because as far as I knew her sister didn't know anything.

I started thinking something wasn't right but I decided not to confront my wife because I was only suspicious and I really wasn't fit enough for a showdown over a possibly misunderstood comment. However what I did do was start listening in on telephone conversations with her sister when she was in the house. I'm not proud of doing it but as it turns out I was right because two days ago she made another comment about me "not being able to do anything (sexual) yet anyway". I've been back at work for three weeks and there's no way that comment makes sense unless my sister in law already knew about my condition.

Several years ago we had a major argument over her discussing aspects of our marriage with her mother and sister which I felt should have remained between husband and wife. Her view was that she needed support from her family in some areas and in that case it was something that did probably affect her more than me, so I backed down. But this time I trusted my wife with something that was both very personal and important to me alone, and which I made clear I didn't want another soul knowing about other than me, her and the doctors. It wasn't a major medical problem but even so, or even especially so, no one else had any reason or right to know about it.

I am now 99% certain she has told her sister, and I am left thinking that my wife must have so little respect for me that she feels its perfectly OK for her to ignore my wishes. Not only that but also lie about not telling anyone else (even if itís a lie by omission).

Am I overreacting? On the surface the medical problem may not seem too big a deal (to her), but really this is about her betraying my trust in her and I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to trust her again. It may not seem as bad, but I imagine this is how it feels finding out you've been cheated on by your spouse and I've not been able to sleep properly since I overheard the original phone conversation.

I also don't know how to confront her about it - do I just come out and tell her what I've done (listening to her phone calls)? Should I try the accusational confrontational approach, or try to give her a chance to own up to what she's said? Even if she does I don't think that would restore my faith in her.

Any advice would be welcome.
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Old 04-15-2010, 07:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife betrayed my trust in her?

If one of the partner is sick, the other partner feels it. I think she cares about you. She is worried. That's why she told her family. She wants to share her pain, concern with them too, since they are part of her family. Don't forget this! She considers you part of her family, and you are..
A friend of mine told me something about her husband. He has a medical issue that is going to change his and his family's life forever..
He told her not to tell anybody, but she was really worried about him. She told me, while she was crying. She needed to talk with somebody, and she doesn't have nobody here. No other family, beside her husband and her kids. She didn't know what to do, and sometimes sharing your feelings with your family, or somebody close to you helps you.

I share with my parents, and my in laws everything when it comes to health issues. They do the same thing. It's hard to keep a secret, especially when is about a concern that affects you, or somebody that you love. I hate secrets.
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Old 04-15-2010, 10:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife betrayed my trust in her?

I think you need to ask her flat out what she has said.

That would be better than building it up in your mind based on what you have overheard. It won't be easy to find out what she said and who she said it to, but at least you well know where you stand.

I'd like to say that knowing how betrayed you feel will keep her from blabbing in the future, but she is obviously someone who can't not tell someone. I think you are just going to have to deal with having these other people know your business. It's not at all fair, but it's the way it is.
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Old 04-16-2010, 01:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife betrayed my trust in her?

My issue wasn't serious healthwise and was solved by outpatient surgery. It didn't stop us having sex, or doing anything else, for two years, it just took me that long to get off my arse and do something about it. Honestly it was a minor procedure and not a cause of any concern for my wife - we talked and she knew I wasn't concerned about it either it was just something I needed to get sorted.

But the point is when we talked she knew I wanted to keep this to ourselves. OK, I do get that women are much more likely to share with sisters, close friends etc. and this is why I'd asked her not to. She promised she would and she has broken that promise. Was it really too much for me to expect that of her?

Suppose I had talked to my brother about something particularly intimate my wife had specifically asked to keep between us, then lied to her and told her we were talking about the football?

What Michzz seems to be saying is I just have to expect that, because that's how women are. So now I have to mentally screen everything I talk about with my wife to take into account who else she may tell? That isn't really my idea of trusting my wife - is that really what others here do?
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Old 04-16-2010, 08:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife betrayed my trust in her?

There is only one rational way to deal with this. Tell her you know that she talked about it. Don't call her names or attack her just tell her you know. And be quiet and let her talk. When she finishes I would tell her that you will no longer share anything like that with her if you can possibly avoid it. And that may mean you tell her you are seeing a doctor - without saying why or having a procedure done without saying why.

And THAT will make an impression on her. Being cut out of the loop is painful. I wouldn't say she doesn't respect you - I would say that she is immature when it comes to keeping a confidence.






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Originally Posted by David_H View Post
My issue wasn't serious healthwise and was solved by outpatient surgery. It didn't stop us having sex, or doing anything else, for two years, it just took me that long to get off my arse and do something about it. Honestly it was a minor procedure and not a cause of any concern for my wife - we talked and she knew I wasn't concerned about it either it was just something I needed to get sorted.

But the point is when we talked she knew I wanted to keep this to ourselves. OK, I do get that women are much more likely to share with sisters, close friends etc. and this is why I'd asked her not to. She promised she would and she has broken that promise. Was it really too much for me to expect that of her?

Suppose I had talked to my brother about something particularly intimate my wife had specifically asked to keep between us, then lied to her and told her we were talking about the football?

What Michzz seems to be saying is I just have to expect that, because that's how women are. So now I have to mentally screen everything I talk about with my wife to take into account who else she may tell? That isn't really my idea of trusting my wife - is that really what others here do?
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Old 04-20-2010, 02:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife betrayed my trust in her?

Just remember what her motivation was. Was it to help or harm? I think she was trying to help herself and you by lying to you.
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