My husband and I used to have a very passionate, fun, and loving relationship. It has slowly been deteriorating over the past 4 years. We've had a lot of changes with our jobs, living situations, etc. which have caused stress, but we always seemed to get through, but lately, it all seems to have caught up in some way.
My husband no longer compliments me...ever. He doesn't touch me, not even to hold my hand or brush my hair away from my face. The only thing we ever talk about is how our days at work were and what we're doing for dinner. This once very creative and spontaneous person never has any ideas for what to do for the weekend and any suggestions I make, he is very quick to dismiss saying he just "doesn't feel like" doing those things. We very rarely have sex anymore. I have brought up my concerns on several occasions in many ways; talking, crying, writing letters, yelling...nothing gets through to him and he is very consistent in his response that he just doens't "feel the same".
I have written letters to myself...a kind of journal, hoping to sort things out. We have even seen a counselor and it always seems that I am the one who is crying and upset and concerned about the relationship ending. He seems indifferent.
I remember one time when the counselor asked if he loved me and he said, "sure". He said that he didn't want a divorce but that I was "living in the past" and that he would "never" feel the same way for me that he once did.
So what do I do? Do I stay with someone who expresses no interest for me and makes me feel so alone and unloved, hoping that one day he will be the man that he was 4 years ago, or do I just leave?
You should also know that I have had issues in the past when I was single with the need to feel loved. I come from an abusive family and have never felt what it was to be loved until I met my husband...it's very hard for me to forget those feelings cause I never had them before and never felt like anyone has ever loved me. I was very self-destructive with my behavior in that I would sleep with random men or create friends-with-benefits relationships in order to have a feeling of being wanted and needed if only for that short period of time. I have since been able to cope with that behavior and understand why it was done so that I don't go down that path again, but I have to say with what has been happening lately and the absolute lack of affection, I find myself contemplating 'acting-out' again which I know is not healthy. I have talked with my husband about this and said that I just don't understand why he can't make an effort, even if he doesn't feel the feelings, to just help me...to touch me every once in a while or give me a kiss or hug or tell my I look nice, but he has done nothing. I feel like if he really cared about me and our relationship, he would try.
I hate to have to ask, but have you considered that he has become attached to someone else? Someone close to me experienced this with her h, and it turns out he had fallen in love with a colleague, even though there was no inappropriate behavior on anyone's part. He should have changed jobs when he realized he was developing feelings, but he didn't, and he thought he could just continue living that way. My friend left b/c it was clear he had no intention of changing--and it was only after some time that she realized he had connected emotionally with this other person.
If you have the courage, ask him flat out if he's in love--from afar--with someone else. If he denies it, then maybe he is depressed. That is worth investigating.
Bottom line: If he really cared about you, your happiness would be important to him. He either works to make changes, or for your own mental health, you may need to leave. BUT, don't leave with the idea of finding someone else. Maybe, down the road; first, take time to learn to love yourself so that if love fails again in the future, you might be sad but you won't feel rejected or devastated. It's possible to love without having your self-esteem tied up in the other person. Good luck.
Thanks, Sisters. Yes, that has occurred to me and I have seen his feelings toward another gal that he works with. He actually moved her and her family out to TX with us from FL to have her work for him again as she did in FL. She is in a relationship and has 3 children all from different men, all of whom she was married to. I never suspected there would be anything going on with the 2 of them because they are not each other's type at all, but he does treat her much differently than he treats me. In fact, the other I rode with him to go grab a burger and after he finished, he ordered 3 banana sundaes. I asked him who those were for or if he was just really hungry, and he responded that he thought we could drop by her house and give them to her and her kids (her significant other wasn't at the house at the time).
It hurt my feelings because he never thinks of doing things like that for me. He thinks about her a lot and is pretty vocal about it. They share secrets together and he is always on the phone with her. They work together all day at work and then when he walks in the door at night, he is on the phone with her. Her kids even send him text messages.
Like I said, it never occurred to me that there might be serious feelings there, but now that I think about it, you might be right.
Btw, that gal has consulted with my husband over the last year about problems in her relationship and she has since decided to kick her common-law-husband out of the house. So, if there are feelings there I guess they will become very apparant very quickly.
I'm not really in the position to give advice because I'm going through the same thing with my wife, but I did want to let you know that you're not alone out there. It's very difficult living with an indifferent spouse because the feelings of rejection and emotional abandonment are refreshed daily and are always in front of you. You said:
Originally Posted by lostloveintx
I have since been able to cope with that behavior and understand why it was done so that I don't go down that path again, but I have to say with what has been happening lately and the absolute lack of affection, I find myself contemplating 'acting-out' again which I know is not healthy.
I have also done the same thing, therefore I completely understand your urge to "act out" in hopes that he will wake up and realize how you feel. It would be a mistake to do this. Not only would you give him ammunition to turn everything around on you, but you would compromise your integrity and add that guilt on top of everything else. Hang in there and keep your chin up, as best you can, and even do a little investigating if you need to. One way or another, things will change... they always do. Good luck to you.