Lostanddisoriented

Ok So in january my wife wanted to go out and get away from the house for a bit, i had to stay home and take care of my 2 small children. She went out came home around 2:30 a.m. and was freaking out...i didn't know what to do i asked her what happened to her she was hysterical. I calmed her down after about 30 minutes of soothing and she fell asleep. The next night she went out again. This time she came home around 3 but she was drunk and lovey...so i gave in to her even though i was irate because of how late she was home...something was different. The next day i asked her the dreaded question "Have you been cheating on me" she of course said no. I told her it felt different more open (she regularly checks herself for things due to an HPV attack at a younger age) so i thought nothing of it at the time. A few days later she says she thinks she was raped i sat down and talked to her and she told me the details...i was furious. i didn't hold it against her at first but the longer she waited to go into the police to report it the more upset i got with her. I told her she needed to go and report it or i was not going to believe what she was telling me. So she went and reported it and was back in an hour. I thought it was a bit strange. So months have gone by now and we argue about her going out and lying to me about where she was going and who she was with. Until thursday morning, she came haome around 7:30 after i was at work already and i had been calling her phone from 12:45 am to about 130 am then from 545 am to 730 am when i finally got in touch with her. This was the fifth or sixth time she has gone out and not come home until the sun came up. So i told her i was done dealing with her stuff and she needed to quit or get out. She opted to get out and took herself her stuff her cats and my children with her. I have never been more lost in my life. She says i did it because i didn't trust her, i told her i didn't trust her because she gave me every reason in the world to not trust her. I don't know what to do. This is not the woman that i married. Any advice on what to do from here would be appreciated!

MsLady

Wow. It's hard to really comprehend what you have posted, but can you wait for a calm moment and talk to her about going to counseling together AND separately for her.

Lostanddisoriented

OK update time, since thursday we have talked about some things she still pushes the blame off on me for how upset i get when she goes out and i accepted that i do get pretty angry when she stays out until dawn. However i will not let her walk off without the understanding that it isn't my fault entirely. Now she is being nice to me when she needs something like her windshield fixed after she disappeared on wednesday night/thursday morning, which i did pay for because she has my kids and she has to be able to get them to appointments and to the hospital if something happens... I DO NOT understand why she is the one doing all the things that people should not do when they are in a long term committed relationship, but i am the one being punished. My kids are gone, my wife is gone, for the most part my life is gone. I spoke with her about getting into counseling for the both of us and for her for the incident in january but she shrugs it off like she is to good for it. I am committed to getting my wife back, however i do not want the thing that she became back in any way shape or form. I am still lost and disoriented and confused and angry and depressed and many other emotions all jumbled into one six foot two inch frame and i am about to explode. What do i do from here...i am not sure i will survive the time she insists on waiting to give me a solid yes or no. If i had an inkling that she would consider coming back for one second i would push as long as i needed to, but with the recent changes to her attitude and the way she treats me, as if i am an outsider...i am not so sure i can push hard or long enough to change it.

vasmar

Lostanddisoriented,

The only advice I can provide is based on my own experience. Don't beg her, it makes it worse. I know you have 2 children invovled that you love to the death. She cannot just take them. Arrange that you have half the week and she the other. If she is unwilling to come back, that is her choice and there is nothing in the world you can do to convince her until she's ready. I know it's hard and I know about all those emotions you are feeling. I'm right there with you. Don't beg her, I can't say this enough, when you do, they get a sense of power. Especially if they are being unfaithful, which it sounds like she is. I don't understand when they say well do you not trust me or throw that around like your making stuff up. Remember the saying, " If you hear the rivering flowing, it's because it has water" or somthing like that. Be strong and don't humilate yourself. Trust me, everything I said is easier said than done. I know. Good luck my friend and be strong.

WantsHappiness

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Whatever you do, Do. Not. Push. Her. Regardless of what she has or hasn’t done, what signs she does or doesn’t give you, pushing her to stay in this marriage will not help you. It’s the natural instinct but all it will do is wind up pushing her further away. I really only have a couple other pieces of advice for you. 1st, it is not okay for a married individual to stay out until dawn, repeatedly, without so much as a word to their spouse of their whereabouts. No way no how, you are in the right there. 2, I agree with the above poster, arrange it so that you can see your kids regularly, you are entitled to this. 3, Use this alone time to really look at yourself. Evaluate who you are, who you’ve become and any role you might have had in your marriage taking a turn for the worse. Definitely look into counseling for the both of you together and individually. Best of luck.

Lostanddisoriented

Well its been 3 weeks since she left...its gone up and then straight down. She told me today she didnt want to try to work anything out due to it being too stressful. I felt like she told me i wasn't worth her time basically so i told her i was going to move forward in the process of doing this and i scheduled my consultation with my lawyer. It hurts me to do this but i have known in the back of my mind the entire time she was not coming back. I dont even know why i bothered. Maybe because i still love her maybe because i am hopelessly stupid...i dont know. Either way its on its way to another statistic. Sad but i am out of options.