So angry at husband right now but don't know what to do...
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Old 04-19-2010, 06:43 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default So angry at husband right now but don't know what to do...

This morning I came across a text message trail between my husband and his female best friend. There wasn't anything flirty about the messages but there were a lot of snide comments in reference to me and my weekly rock climbing night.

A little back story:
Rock climbing is my favorite athletic activity (next to swimming). I share this interest with my best friend who lives nearby my husband's female friend and they live only about 20 minutes from us. So anyway, my friend and I try to go climbing together at least once per week, usually on Wednesday nights.

I take the train to work so I don't have my car and the climbing gym is only a short subway ride from my office. My friend drives to her workplace and subsequently to the gym so we meet there and then she takes me back to her place where my husband would come down and meet us for dinner and then he takes me home. Naturally we would invite his friend over, too, since she lives so close and I generally like her... at least I did.

Lately, this arrangement has been getting a little stressful -- I've been hearing complaints from my friend, my husband and his friend -- so I've decided to take a step back from climbing on Wednesday nights, opting to do it over the weekend instead so I can just drive myself.

Granted, sometimes the stressful nature of it all is my fault because I would fail to make plans until the last minute.

Anyway, my husband has said that he doesn't mind picking me up at my friend's apartment after climbing as long as I don't mind if he spends the afternoon with his friend and they have dinner before I get back, then I can eat and my husband and I will go home. Last week I picked up with my Wednesday night climbing again so they spent the afternoon together. Her apartment is on his way home from work so it does make sense that he go there first but this is the same friend who I've been jealous of because he seems to favor her so much more than any of his other friends and even me.

He insists that he is in no way attracted to her and I have been noticing more that their friendship really isn't flirty, at least not in a harmful way -- I think all men flirt with just about every woman they know in one way or another -- but now I've come across this text message exchange between them that contains snide comments about my rock climbing.

The way the comments are worded makes me feel like they have discussed my insecurities about them spending time alone together.

For example, his friend is going away this week on a business trip and my husband's response to her telling him this was something to the effect of "since you're going to be gone that will almost guarantee that there will be climbing this week."

And I also saw:

Him: There's no climbing this week.
Her: Surprise, surprise

I didn't exactly come by these texts honestly -- I snooped -- and now I don't really know what to do. Should I just let this one slide? Should I confront my husband and ask him why he is discussing me and our relationship to this woman behind my back?

He'll be pissed if I tell him I snooped to find this trail. I don't even really know why I did it. I guess I was just curious about what their text exchanges are like. They text a lot and my husband doesn't hide it but I guess I just wanted to see if their exchanges really are harmless like he insists they are (we've had many fights over his friendship with her.)

All this really makes me want to not go climbing during the week anymore at all... at least not until my office officially moves next year and I'll have to drive to work. I don't want to give my husband and his friend any more reason to make snide comments behind my back. Plus, I've been trying really hard to be OK with them spending Wednesday afternoons alone but now I don't even want to give them the chance.
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Old 04-19-2010, 11:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: So angry at husband right now but don't know what to do...

Here's what I'd do. Go to marriagebuilders.com and read about the program - how it works, why it works. Download the Love Buster questionnaire, two copies, and ask him to fill it out. Tell him that you want to improve your marriage and that means making him happier. If he won't, do your best to do it for him with what you know. You can fill it out if you want, if you think he'll be amenable to reading it; you may want to wait til you've done the steps, though, so he's more receptive.

Once you know in what ways you Love Bust him - such as the last-minute planning - you make a concerted effort for at least two months, to stop ALL the things he lists that bothers him about you (within reason). It takes that long to break your habits.

What this does is remove stress from the marriage. It takes away his reasons to be irritated, and his need to complain about you to her.

Then, after a couple months, download the Emotional Needs questionnaire, and both of you fill it out. When you find out what his top 5 ENs are, you again make a concerted effort to ensure that you are ALWAYS the only person meeting those needs (within reason; if he likes motocross and you're afraid of bikes, you can go support him while he rides with his friends; but you are supporting his EN; see how that works?).

Finally, you should be spending 15 hours a week TOGETHER, doing non family/household things - in other words, you should be dating each other. Go on walks, play a sport that HE likes sometimes, go out to eat, go to movies, take a class together...you need to invest in your marriage and protect it by YOU being the person he thinks good things about; and that comes with spending time together and getting out of your rut.

After a good 4 to 6 months of you doing these three steps, you should see a marked decrease in his attention to her.

If not, then they're having an affair. Because the way they are talking to each other is EXACTLY how affairs start.
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Old 04-19-2010, 12:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: So angry at husband right now but don't know what to do...

That's a bunch of crock. No way should you have to stop doing an activity you enjoy just because your husband doesn't like that you do it. The only thing is your methods don't have to involve him for him to have anything to be irritated about. That means it should not involve him or inconvenience him even though he should not mind the inconvenience. Perhaps that love busters stuff works in other ways, but you shouldn't allow anything or anyone to convince you to give up an enjoyable and healthy activity.

Moreover, your husband is not bothered by your rock climbing no matter how much he complained. He made that apparent by bargaining it with you so he could spend time with his lover, which means his complaining was only to lead up to the bargain and make you more open and vulnerable to the suggestion. How clever is that for him to actually have his wife's permission to be with his girlfriend???

They have disrespected you in more ways than one with this inappropriate relationship. And if that is not bad enough, they make your climbing activity a subject for fodder and share that private joke between them at your expense. Your husband should never, ever do such a thing. That positions his girlfriend above you and is extremely disrespectful while they tear you down with their mockery. There is no telling what those other things and situations are that you mention but did not tell us about. Why do you keep take this from him? What are you afraid to lose? His disrespect?
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Old 04-19-2010, 12:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: So angry at husband right now but don't know what to do...

Well first. You are in every right to protect your marriage. If you have to snoop, there is problem number 1. It should be just OK.

second, you are allowing him to do dinner with her? Why would you expect anything less? And as for his comment that she is not the least bit attractive.... He would never tell you she was in the first place.

And you are his wife, there should never be snide comments.........

Wake up before it is too late.
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Old 04-19-2010, 01:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: So angry at husband right now but don't know what to do...

Susan, I'm not going to stop climbing. No way. I just don't think I'll go during the week when I have to rely on someone to drive me around. My husband is not the only one who has complained about Wednesday nights. Even the friend I climb with has said that Wednesday nights have become a big production, when they were originally intended to be one night per week that she and I could go climbing and then the four of us -- me and hubby, her and hubby's friend -- could all get together and have dinner together. But anymore it seems like we don't get to eat until after 8 p.m. and then hubby and I don't get home until almost 10 p.m. only to go right to bed because we both get up at 5 a.m. for work.

I told hubby this morning that I am not going to go climbing this Wednesday and he said he didn't mind coming to pick me up at my friend's house. I was pretty mad -- though he didn't know it -- so I just told him I wasn't going to make him drive a half hour from our house to come to my friend's apartment to get me and then turn right around and go home again. He insisted that he'd be "happy to do that for me."

I don't want to tell him I snooped more because I'm embarassed that I did... I've never been the kind of person who does things like that and, frankly, I'm ashamed. He's never given me any reason to believe that he is, was or ever WOULD cheat on me. His exchanges with this friend of his have always been pretty platonic... except for the snide comments about climbing that I caught in the text trail. Even the other texts in that string were about lunch plans they had with other co-workers and the fact that she is going away on business this week.

I just don't know how to approach it. I wish I had come by this information honestly.

Pochael, I never have snooped on him before and have never felt the need to. I was just curious about what they actually talked about when they texted and the majority of it is just small talk.

I have always tried to be understanding and OK with his female friends because I want him to be the same way with me and my guy friends. Plus I trust that my husband would never, ever cheat on me so I've never really felt like it's a big deal that he has dinner with this friend of his.

And trust me, my husband has no problem telling me when he thinks a woman is attractive... even women he is friends with. Plus he always tells me that they're not as pretty as I am.

I just feel really angry and hurt by the comments they made to each other because I never would have expected my husband would do something like that to me.
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Old 04-19-2010, 01:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: So angry at husband right now but don't know what to do...

Well, you could try following my advice.

The system has saved or improved a lot of marriages, and it's based on common sense.
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Old 04-19-2010, 02:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: So angry at husband right now but don't know what to do...

I just might try that because it sounds like the most positive solution to any marriage problem.

I really want to believe that if he has done any complaining about me to her it's because he needs someone to vent to. It's always easier to talk to someone other than the person who is making you upset.

And if nothing else, maybe this approach will help us reconnect. We are so busy with our new house and long hours at work that we don't always have time for just each other.

The last time we spent a day together, just us, doing something other than work on the house was two weekends ago.
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Old 03-11-2011, 04:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: So angry at husband right now but don't know what to do...

Old thread, same problem.

I would ask him to choose her or me. If he chose her then it really is no loss to me. If he doesn't love you enough to have an exclusive intimate relationship with you, then he quite simply doesn't love you enough.

he also discusses your relationship with her.

I discuss my private relationship with my fiance with only him and I never complain about him to anyone, we work it out between us. i respect him and love him and don't want others thinking I don't think as highly of him as i really do.
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Old 03-11-2011, 04:48 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: So angry at husband right now but don't know what to do...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Syrum View Post
Old thread, same problem.

I would ask him to choose her or me. If he chose her then it really is no loss to me. If he doesn't love you enough to have an exclusive intimate relationship with you, then he quite simply doesn't love you enough.

he also discusses your relationship with her.

I discuss my private relationship with my fiance with only him and I never complain about him to anyone, we work it out between us. i respect him and love him and don't want others thinking I don't think as highly of him as i really do.
I read this after the OP's latest thread too Syrum and am as appalled as you are. This guy is way over the line, and don't get me started on this friend of his. Two of my best friends are married men and there is no way in H-E-double-hockey-stick I would ever disrespect their wives like this, nor would they ever allow it (I would actually lose respect for them as my friend if that was the case). Something is not right with this dynamic.
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Last edited by loren; 03-11-2011 at 05:02 AM.
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Old 03-11-2011, 06:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: So angry at husband right now but don't know what to do...

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Originally Posted by loren View Post
I read this after the OP's latest thread too Syrum and am as appalled as you are. This guy is way over the line, and don't get me started on this friend of his. Two of my best friends are married men and there is no way in H-E-double-hockey-stick I would ever disrespect their wives like this, nor would they ever allow it (I would actually lose respect for them as my friend if that was the case). Something is not right with this dynamic.
I agree, he's a piece of work, and they both have a hide.
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