Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »General Relationship Discussion » Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Like Tree2Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-20-2010, 02:16 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 15
Default Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

What does everyone think about this topic?
What is ok in a marriage for a wife or a husband to have in terms of relationships with the opposite sex?
If its ok then should your spouse have to tell you what she is texting her friend about?
kendall2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-20-2010, 09:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Q*bert's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 42
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

There is a saying that if a man and a woman are "just friends", it's only because one of them won't take it to the next level.
(professional relationships, sexual orientation and blood relation notwithstanding)

I've had this discussion with many people of both sexes, and after looking back out our own history of friendships, we all pretty much agree with that.

I don't think it's wrong, or necessarily dangerous, to have a friend of the opposite sex. A little flirting is even healthy and recommended. The problem starts when it becomes more than that, and boundaries are crossed.

Do you have reasons to believe your wife does not have a good sense of boundaries? Have this discussion with her. Come to an agreement on what those boundaries are, and what constitutes crossing them.

I'd say that if their friendship doesn't exclude you, it's probably fine. This person should be YOUR friend as well, even if just casually (which serves to mark your territory). Do you say hi to this person? Do you and your wife see them socially as a couple? Or has your wife not even introduced you to this friend? If not, there could be a boundary issue.
Q*bert is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2010, 11:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

I agree with Q*Bert. I would investigate the friend (read between the lines of the text, the words he/she chooses to use) If you get an uneasy feeling about the person, express those feeling with your spouse. I do not believe texting should be an everyday thing.
LAMB1993 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2010, 11:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 7
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

I agree that if she wants to have a male friend then you should try being friends with him to. Perhaps all of you go out with a group one night. The more comfortable you feel with him then the more comfortable you will feel with their friendship. My Husband has 1 close female friend. Her and I have become friends - not best friends but casual friends. I was concerned at first but after getting to know her I can see that she is a really cool person and I can understand why he wants to be friends with her. I can also now believe that she would respect our relationship and not try anything with him. But if i had never met her or if I had gotten a funny vibe from her, then I would be concerned about the friendship.
tiffgirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2010, 12:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 15
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Q*bert View Post
There is a saying that if a man and a woman are "just friends", it's only because one of them won't take it to the next level.
(professional relationships, sexual orientation and blood relation notwithstanding)

I've had this discussion with many people of both sexes, and after looking back out our own history of friendships, we all pretty much agree with that.

I don't think it's wrong, or necessarily dangerous, to have a friend of the opposite sex. A little flirting is even healthy and recommended. The problem starts when it becomes more than that, and boundaries are crossed.

Do you have reasons to believe your wife does not have a good sense of boundaries? Have this discussion with her. Come to an agreement on what those boundaries are, and what constitutes crossing them.

I'd say that if their friendship doesn't exclude you, it's probably fine. This person should be YOUR friend as well, even if just casually (which serves to mark your territory). Do you say hi to this person? Do you and your wife see them socially as a couple? Or has your wife not even introduced you to this friend? If not, there could be a boundary issue.
Hey thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it!

Yes, I know the other guy very well and we interract as couples. My wife doesn't keep it a secret at all they are friends.

Your reference to boundaries bothers me a bit though because we have talked about it extensivley and she has very different ideas about whats ok. I caught her making out with her ex-boyfriend 4 years into our marriage and at first she said it was just a friendly kiss and it meant nothing. Afterwards though she did admit that she was totally wrong and it was infidelity. It sticks with me though now because I've gotten over the cheating but not her initial response to my outrage. That is what worries me; her blindness in this area. Also, I'm not exaggerating but my wife is very attractive and exudes sexiness in a modest way(A dead ringer for Reese Witherspoon)

To get back to the current concern
A year ago she told me about some of their conversations when his mother died and I was a bit surprised about the emotions they shared. I wasn't concerned at the time but looking back it makes me wonder. Since then she doesn't say much anymore. I read some texts that were not descriptive or outright wrong but just seemed not right, the tone like "how r u feeling, r u ok " over and over (from him to her). And onetime he asked her "do u feel guilty". (I have to say I think she did feel guilty because she treated me to a guys version of paradise on earth that night) I asked my wife about this and she just said she forgot what he was referring to. Pretty weak I know.(I wasn't spying on her if u want to know) She knew I was reading a text on her phone she just thought it was from someone else. He was texting her on christmas eve( Day after company chrismas party when they were at the bar drinking and smoking together without me) and she was caught off guard I think that time. Normally she deletes all messages right away from everyone. I asked her about this and she says thats the way she is.


I am torn now about if I should start spying on her. If I talk to her about my suspicions it will ruin her career as the the friend in question is her boss (did I mention that?) One word of suspicion and she will quit. I know that and that would have very serious ramifications on the company she works for . I don't know if I can do that being just suspicious. I've tried being oblique in my questions but she is blind in this area. She doesnt see any problem she says. But their interaction has changed when we get together as couples; thats what sets my radar off too. They don't banter openly(with me around anyways)like they used to since I asked my wife about the text on christmas.

Also, I just discovered through a third party that she lied to me last week about not being in contact with him when he was on holidays. Her friend let slip in conversation he was texting her after I had specifically asked if she had been in contact with him when he was out of town. She told me "no not at all". When I confronted her she said "I forgot about that"

I"m this close to downloading spy software on to her blackberry.
kendall2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2010, 05:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: texas
Posts: 17
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

I have some experience with this issue. I will tell you in my opinion you do have a problem that needs your full attention.

Some women can have male friends and some cannot. My wife is one that cannot.

I have been married 19 years. My wife has only had one girl friend in that 19 years and their friendship only lasted about 2 years. My wife has mainly wanted to associate with men. She has several male friends that I approve of but that is what they are friends. She has had two so called male best friends that she cheated on me with. It started out just as your situation has. They had lots in common. They liked same music. The same foods. They consoled each other in bad times. Then they scr*wed and fell in love.

Both of these so called best friends that got in her pants I was somewhat friends with also. The first one 6 years ago I expressed my concerns early in their relationship on deaf ears. She would hide in the bathroom to call him while we were on vacation. In one day she called him 36 times while she and I were on one of the few weekend get away’s we ever had alone. The whole time they cheated they presented their selves as friends and were open to some point about most of the things they were doing together. They would plan family trips together with us as couples but with my working like I do it always worked out where it was just my wife going with him and his wife. I was blind to all of this till his wife busted them red handed. The second affair was with a friend of mine that I have known for 25 years. He had always been around but they really started getting friendly after he got divorced. It started out with them just talking at a weekly cookout that included his family (father, mother, brother) and mine. Then they started calling each other during the day while I was at work. He then started calling while I was home and would ask for my wife. In this time he got a young girl pregnant that he was dating. My wife cried for two days because of this. After the baby was born my wife would go and pick his baby up from its mother for the weekend and bring it to our house so he could come and visit it. This is when I saw the weight loss on her part and the new underwear with a whole new attitude toward me. When I questioned her about their relationship I got the same answer every time we are just friends. They would go shopping together and use the excuse that they were shopping for the baby because he did not know how to shop for a baby. This guy was my best friend’s brother. I would get home from work and he would be there setting in my chair drinking my beer. She would invite him to dinner and never tell me till I got home. She would cook what he liked, Mexican food. I hate Mexican food and she knows it. He would associate with me also on our own without her. They had day trips out of town together with my 13 year old daughter. In the end after six months of wishing and praying she was not cheating. I confirmed it with at sperm test from her underwear and one of her other male friends telling me all the details she had told him about the affair. Now I am trying to salvage my marriage.

My advice is to confront her head on now and stop it before it goes past friendship. Your marraige is more important than her friendship with OM. And if it is just friends she will know how the relationship is bothering you. This is what I did not do and I kick my self every day for not putting my foot down sooner.
country boy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2010, 09:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Freak On a Leash's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: The Jersey Shore
Posts: 2,361
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

I used to think it was OK and had many male friends myself but now that my husband and I have reconciled and discussed many situations in our marriage over the past year I'm convinced that it's not a good idea. Nothing happened physically with my friendships but just having deep/personal conversations with my male friends about certain aspects of my marriage and the dynamics involved caused problems and affected my marriage more than I knew. It's just not worth it. It's better to avoid a one-on-one relationship with a person of the opposite sex if you are married. Why cause problems when you don't have to? Aren't there are enough stresses involved in marriage? Why add this on to the mix?

I'm all for socializing with someone if the spouse is involved as well. No problem there but going out with someone of the opposite sex and even texting/emailing..you are better off not doing this. Just my .02.
Freak On a Leash is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2010, 09:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

This is something my hubs and I are still working on. We've been friends longer than we've been a couple. Married 3, a couple nearly 5. Also most of my friends are guys and lots of his are girls.

For us it has been about setting our boundaries. And really learning what they should be. By mutual agreement we have had to ease away from some people. But in the same vein there are a few we keep real close.

For us it has been about making sure our closest friends know us as a couple.
Posted via Mobile Device
Saya is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2010, 10:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: SE Wisconsin
Posts: 2,458
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

If you can trust your spouse to back away from a friendship if attraction develops, then friendships are fine. As a woman, I have several male friends toward whom I feel no attraction whatsoever--and we are close emotionally. In the past, when I was still married, I would not pursue friendships with men to whom I felt attracted; I knew that wasn't safe. The real question is not about the moral correctness of male/female friendships for married people, b/c there is no single right answer. The real question is, can you trust your spouse, and if not, why not? That's where the energy needs to be focused. If a spouse has given you reasons not to trust, you have your answer. Do not let her dissuade you otherwise. She can either pull back from a friendship that moves in dangerous directions, or she can't. If she cannot, then she should not be putting herself--and you--at risk. If she still wants to do so after discussion and some couples' counseling, you may have to reassess her commitment to you and your marriage. You need to do what is right for your self, and tolerating her risky behavior does not sound like it will contribute to your happiness. Good luck in getting her to see the light.
sisters359 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 12:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 24,562
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

She's cheating. Install the software. Gather the evidence. Then ask her to stop. If she refuses, expose the affair to people important to both her and him. If they still refuse to stop, expose it to HIS boss and kindly inform this person that they will want to look into removing him before the company ends up in a lawsuit.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 03:26 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Central California
Posts: 174
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

IMO, nope. I would not be okay with that at all but maybe some are. But if someone isn't comfortable with the spouses relationships then that should be respected.

And there should always be 100% transparency with text, e-mail, facebook, cell phones, bank and credit card records, etc between spouses. I think in a trusting, loving and committed relationship there isn't a reason to hide anything, it's simple.
mike1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 03:45 PM   #12 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Amplexor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,514
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

In general I don't have a problem with opposite sex friendships. Keep in mind my wife had a very serious EA some years ago. That has not made me feel uncomfortable with her current male friendships although I am more in tuned with them. She has always had them and with the exception of the EA I have never interfered nor worried about them much. But by nature, I am not the jealous type. The problem I see here is that it has gone subterranean and that is a huge red flag. If there is nothing to hide there is no reason for her to get a new phone that you don't have access to. Have you considered talking to his wife to see if she is comfortable with the relationship? I'll bet she is not.
__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
Amplexor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2010, 01:01 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 326
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

Install the software. You have enough reasons to be justified in doing so.

Quote:
--from CountryBoy ---
Now I am trying to salvage my marriage.
Why? No, seriously, why? After reading your post about what went down in your marriage, I'm genuinely curious why you would be trying to salvage that marriage.
MsLady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2010, 02:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Freak On a Leash's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: The Jersey Shore
Posts: 2,361
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

Why WOULD this fellow try and save this trainwreck of a marriage?

I'd ditch the wife and my so called "friends" as well. Why be a glutton for punishment? Isn't two times enough or are you hoping for a third?
Freak On a Leash is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2010, 12:39 PM   #15 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: texas
Posts: 17
Default Re: Is it right for my wife to have a male friend?

Mslady/Freak on a leash
You ask why I am trying to salvage my marriage. I have been married 19 years and have two wonderful children that love her very much. Hell I still love her. I will never be able to trust her again. I honestly think she has some type of metal issue that has caused her to do what she has done. Hell I probably have a mental issue also for keeping her around. We get along fine other than her deciding to step out on our vows every 5 or 6 years. She is a wonderful mother that is there for my children’s every need. I admit that chunking her out would be the easiest thing to do to protect myself but I have the two children to think of and one is a special needs child.

For some reason I feel I am responsible for what happened the second time because I trusted her again. I let my guard down. That is my fault because I knew how she was and what she was capable of. All of the signs were there and I chose to ignore them with my head in the sand basically hoping it was not true. If I would have been more aggressive in telling her to leave the guy alone in the beginning this may not of happened the second time. From the time we married to now I had never put any restriction on her. She was allowed to do as she pleased because I felt I owed that to her because I worked all of the time. She traveled on her own, went to clubs and made friends with OM. As I said she had lots of male friends. She likes electronics (stereo equipment) and fast cars same as most men so she can relate to males in just about any environment. She now has agreed to restrictions that I have imposed to try and keep this from happening again. The main one is no more communications with other males by phone or email. She must tell me every time she receives a call or email from a male. Violation of the first two is immediate separation with me keeping the children and the house no matter what. She cannot go out to any social function without me. She must call me every hour when she is out (grocery shopping, ball games, hair solon). I know this sounds controlling but if this is what it takes to keep my family together this is what I will do from now on.
country boy is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife with Male friend armyinf General Relationship Discussion 58 10-27-2012 04:11 PM
wife's male friend Milesfred General Relationship Discussion 23 03-19-2012 08:48 AM
Wife's male friend soda General Relationship Discussion 22 03-12-2012 11:53 AM
It is ok for wife to have male friend phin1983 General Relationship Discussion 72 09-16-2011 12:19 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:00 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage