There is a saying that if a man and a woman are "just friends", it's only because one of them won't take it to the next level.
(professional relationships, sexual orientation and blood relation notwithstanding)
I've had this discussion with many people of both sexes, and after looking back out our own history of friendships, we all pretty much agree with that.
I don't think it's wrong, or necessarily dangerous, to have a friend of the opposite sex. A little flirting is even healthy and recommended. The problem starts when it becomes more than that, and boundaries are crossed.
Do you have reasons to believe your wife does not have a good sense of boundaries? Have this discussion with her. Come to an agreement on what those boundaries are, and what constitutes crossing them.
I'd say that if their friendship doesn't exclude you, it's probably fine. This person should be YOUR friend as well, even if just casually (which serves to mark your territory). Do you say hi to this person? Do you and your wife see them socially as a couple? Or has your wife not even introduced you to this friend? If not, there could be a boundary issue.
Hey thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it!
Yes, I know the other guy very well and we interract as couples. My wife doesn't keep it a secret at all they are friends.
Your reference to boundaries bothers me a bit though because we have talked about it extensivley and she has very different ideas about whats ok. I caught her making out with her ex-boyfriend 4 years into our marriage and at first she said it was just a friendly kiss and it meant nothing. Afterwards though she did admit that she was totally wrong and it was infidelity. It sticks with me though now because I've gotten over the cheating but not her initial response to my outrage. That is what worries me; her blindness in this area. Also, I'm not exaggerating but my wife is very attractive and exudes sexiness in a modest way(A dead ringer for Reese Witherspoon)
To get back to the current concern
A year ago she told me about some of their conversations when his mother died and I was a bit surprised about the emotions they shared. I wasn't concerned at the time but looking back it makes me wonder. Since then she doesn't say much anymore. I read some texts that were not descriptive or outright wrong but just seemed not right, the tone like "how r u feeling, r u ok " over and over (from him to her). And onetime he asked her "do u feel guilty". (I have to say I think she did feel guilty because she treated me to a guys version of paradise on earth that night) I asked my wife about this and she just said she forgot what he was referring to. Pretty weak I know.(I wasn't spying on her if u want to know) She knew I was reading a text on her phone she just thought it was from someone else. He was texting her on christmas eve( Day after company chrismas party when they were at the bar drinking and smoking together without me) and she was caught off guard I think that time. Normally she deletes all messages right away from everyone. I asked her about this and she says thats the way she is.
I am torn now about if I should start spying on her. If I talk to her about my suspicions it will ruin her career as the the friend in question is her boss (did I mention that?) One word of suspicion and she will quit. I know that and that would have very serious ramifications on the company she works for . I don't know if I can do that being just suspicious. I've tried being oblique in my questions but she is blind in this area. She doesnt see any problem she says. But their interaction has changed when we get together as couples; thats what sets my radar off too. They don't banter openly(with me around anyways)like they used to since I asked my wife about the text on christmas.
Also, I just discovered through a third party that she lied to me last week about not being in contact with him when he was on holidays. Her friend let slip in conversation he was texting her after I had specifically asked if she had been in contact with him when he was out of town. She told me "no not at all". When I confronted her she said "I forgot about that"
I"m this close to downloading spy software on to her blackberry.