General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years and have two small children.
My husband grew up in a traditional household where the man works and brings home the money and the woman takes care of the household and the children. I am very opposed to this way of life and when we got married we agreed to view our marriage as a partnership where we worked together to accomplish the day to day things and where both partners were equally important.
Apparently its hard to break history. My husband does not do laundry, dishes, diapers, cleaning, bath time w the kids, yard work, fix our cars, or take care of the two dogs he has. He also now only showers once per week and never brushes his teeth. I am disgusted by him. Our house and yard look like crap because he starts projects and never finishes them. He says that he works so hard that he doesn't have enough energy to do those things when he gets home (he and I own our own business together).
I am very open with my husband about my concerns. He was prescribed some anti-depressants a few months ago in hopes that they would increase his willingness to help me and take care of himself...they didn't work and he quit taking them regularly.
I am tired of 'nagging' him and acting like his mother! I've tried everything from positive reinforcement to taking things away from him that distract him (i.e. tv, computer, etc.) I did not get married to this man to replace his mother and I am much too young to be mothering a 26 year old!
I've tried to talk to him about it and find out the reason as to why he feels that he works harder than me or is above doing those things. He has no excuses. He says that he loves me. The says that he loves our children. He says that he loves the dogs, the house, his clothes, and all the things that we have...but he doesn't get the connection between loving something and the work that comes with those things. I'm at my wits end and need some good advice!
Have you told him in plain terms that it's not enough to just love something, you have to nurture and care for it? Not advising you do this, but I would completely stop taking care of his things, laundry, dinner, etc., let him know that that is how you feel about his behavior.
i think the issues are much deeper than they seem.
I think you are right. Could be your husband is a bit depressed. You might want to seek out some medical/mental help. Just because the one set of pills didn't work doesn't mean he doesn't have a mental problems. You might want to look into seeking a psychiatric help as well as separate therapy sessions.
Sounds like he doesn't care about much of anything these days, including himself and that needs to be addressed. IMO, it has nothing to do with his mother doing his laundry.
i wish i could help, i have a similiar problem.
we live with his mother and she does all the housework and if we do it then she redoes its. sometimes he tells me i am too much like his mother.
sometimes i wonder if thats why he married me because i am like his mother.
My MIL was living with my H when I moved in, and for another 2 or 3 years after we were married. It never occurred to me that my H was a total slob, because the house stayed in great shape. Once she left, I had to put in an extra couple hours a day, just to go around behind him and pick up all the crap he dropped as he walked and sat through the house, because that's what she had been doing, unbeknownst to me. Stupid me, I didn't realize at 23 years old that I could tell him to grow up. Now it's impossible to get him to change.
Is he in the midst of clinical depression? Does he need to reconsider other medications?
Or is this an attitudinal/ lazy thing?
Either way, you can't be his mother and you'll hate who you become once you are permanently a nag. So don't do it. If he's depressed, he needs to take responsibility for getting professional help. If he's a lazy douche that wants his life to be a throwback to 1950, you need to set down your demands and expectations, let him know what the stakes and timeline are and follow through if he doesn't. It's the only way. Of course, this means you need to be willing to get a divorce. He'll either shape up, or you'll have to live like this for the rest of your life, or you'll have to leave him. Those are the options.
If he's truly medically depressed, I would give him some leeway, but he'll need to go into treatment and stay there until he's fixed, and he STILL has to do some chores around the house (if he's depressed, you can help him organize by writing a list WITH him). DON'T let him get comfortable thinking you'll do things when he doesn't, and DON'T let yourself be pulled into some mommy-man dynamic where it suddenly becomes your job to get him to do what he should be doing. It's not your job, and you can't make him do anything.
I have to first make mention of the fact that even though your husband may not know about this forum, your thread title is very derogatory. I understand you're frustrated and he may in fact be a mama's boy...But if you want serious help, don't resort to name calling.
It sounds like he needs a swift kick in the butt...If you can't sit down and have a one-to-one with him and get honest feedback and answers, then you need to take care of your own and let him come to terms with how much work is required to maintain a home and family. If he's truly depressed, he may not care and will continue to wallow...And that's when you know that perhaps your actions are well-meant but ineffective against his depression.
At that point, you have to suck it up and make sure he gets help if you still love him. Sure, it's not going to be fun and you'll be doing more work than you are now...But where do you see yourself right now in 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years? Is it worth the effort?
And the same goes for if he's not depressed, but just lazy - Was he like that before you got married? I doubt he's changed that much...But if that's the case, you need to think about counseling or getting out of dodge.
Mama's boy 
