At the end of my rope!

toodoting · 05-16-2008, 01:31 PM

I have been married for almost 2 years now. We dated (and lived together) for almost 6 years before we got married, so it's not like we don't know each other well! We've always had to work on this relationship, but at the end of the day we really love each other and want to make it work. Lately my husband has been really stressed out at work. He recognizes this and does what he can to not let it carry over to our home. He frequently tells me he loves me and appreciates all that I do for him, doesn't know what he would do without me, blah, blah... But then he drops things like the recent "I just don't know if our marriage works for us." We've always celebrated the fact that we can pursue different interests and don't feel the need to be attached at the hip all the time. I'm starting to see that this was really I didn't care if he did things on his own - not so much that I was doing other things. He encourages me to do things, but then when I actually go and do them he complains that we don't spend enough quality time together. He gets jealous and I feel he needs all of my attention to be focused on him. He encouraged me to go back to school but is upset when I have to be at class one night a week. I recognize that I have been way too doting and he's never really had to do things for himself. He doesn't help with housekeeping, taking care of the dogs, grocery shopping, all of those things. Or when he does it's because "He just can't stand the mess anymore" and then it's a temper tantrum. I work full time and I'm a graduate student. At what point does he step in? We had also agreed to start trying for a family at the end of the year, but again, I feel like this is more something that he's willing to give me because I want it, not because he does. I'm so confused at this point. The constant mixed messages are driving me nuts. We've talked about this, he swears he will try harder, but any effort is short lived at best. I really love him and want to be what he wants, but I'd also like to have an identity of my own. Ironically, I'm in a graduate program for counseling yet I can't seem to manage my own relationship! Any suggestions???

Amplexor · 05-16-2008, 03:38 PM

He sounds as if he is insecure about your relationship. Wants you to do things then get jealous about you being away. Time apart is a good thing and as relationships age that feeling that you want to be together all the time wanes. As for the chores, he needs to pull his own weight. To instill lasting changes try drawing up an agreed to chores list. A simple rule at our house since we both cook meals equally is who ever cooks doesn’t do the dishes. Put your list together and if you agree to it it will be a lot harder for him to slough his responsibilities. As always continue to communicate each of your needs/wants. Good luck.

happilymarried67 · 05-16-2008, 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toodoting

We had also agreed to start trying for a family at the end of the year, but again, I feel like this is more something that he's willing to give me because I want it, not because he does. I'm so confused at this point. The constant mixed messages are driving me nuts.

I have to agree with what Amp said first. I would strongly "NOT START A FAMILY" at this point. You need to get you and your husband's relationship on the right track before you even think about having children. Children will not make your relationship better. It will actually only add to its failure if you can't work out what is going on now. Best of Luck- Make sure you get a chores list together and that he is willing to help out.