General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I need some real advice because all the other people I have asked about this give me stupid answers.
I am in a frustrating relationship. Me and my fiance have been together for over four years and this past july he finally proposed. A month after becoming engaged, we moved in together. I am 20 and he is 24. Right now I am taking online courses and am not working. He brings home the money and supports both of us. He works as an IT (computers).
For the past seven months we have been struggling with intimacy. I would like it to be a couple of times a week but he is content with once a month if that. I have tried absolutely everything and he is just never interested. We have talked about it and he says he is just as frustrated but i never see it. I have to ask for it and if we do do it, it lasts 10 mins and a lot of times he cant finish. He says that he has a lot on his mind and he is always tired. I feel like those are just excuses. He likes to remind me that a relationship is not all sex. I understand this but I have needs too. When we were first dating it was three times a day...now its rare and if it does happen its like he is doin it to shut me up. Afterwards there is no cuddling or kissing. He falls asleep and doesnt want me laying on him because he is hot! And kissing? I get pecks at night and in the morning. We dont ever have those deep, weak in the knees kisses anymore. I have even tried wearing sexy lingerie or touching him and i just get rejected.
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to pull my hair out or cry my eyes out somtimes. This is taking a serious toll on my self esteem and my appetite is not decreasing at all. I need advice, how do i get him interested in it again? in me? I miss how he used to initiate it and actually enjoy making love. I am at the end of my rope. Please help!!
I dont think you can make him be interested in sex again. the only thing that will happen if you keep trying is that you will not only lose your self-esteem, but you will also turn into a very angry, bitter person. and your H will just end up resenting you.
Besides taking courses online, what else do you do with your time? do you go out with anyone?
You can also put a program on his computer that lets you see what sites he's going to. its called K9 web protection and it is free. there are other programs designed to spy but they cost money. as long as you put K9 on the lowest settings, he will never know its on there. just change the icon name and put it somewhere he wont see it. you can also put a keylogger on your computer to get passwords. that is what i did. you can also check his phone log to see who he's been calling.
Even if you dont do any of that, you have to stop asking him for sex. you have to back off completely. i know its hard, believe me i had to go through it, but nothing good is going to come from you continually pushing him.
I have to say Im disappointed in your response BLANCA. I have seen some of your posts and thought you gave some sound advise. I too am in the same position with my SO, except I was at the stage of short sex, no intimacy, etc,etc a year ago..... I backed off figuring that pushing would only make us both resent eachother.... guess where that got us? I now havnt had sex in a year or more, there is no communication about it at all, and I have become that low self esteemed, angry, frustrated person.
Why is it that the first conclusion you come to here is that hes cheating? Lets create an even more insecure person?
LOVE, at this point DO NOT go to the extreme of keylogger, etc. There are way too many unanswered questions about his behavior to just jump to that. Is he acting sneaky when at the computer? Does he " go out with the guys" and then come home with lame stories? There are other indicators of cheating to watch for before you start thinking hes cheating. Google "Signs hes cheating" and check out some of the listings, this may give you things to look for.
I cant give you any advise to help your situation, being in the same boat, actually Ill be watching for others advice to you! But know that you are not alone and know that totally dropping the sex subject could make things WORSE!
BTW, my SO does not display any of the signs of cheating, I have total access to his email addresses and have checked them and his web history. Im pretty confident he not cheating even though its always in the back of my mind.
Maybe it's stress from moving in together, supporting you and this whole new life you have together? Trust him when he says that he has a lot of things on his mind, maybe he does.
Just give him time, hopefully it will pass. I too am in your situation, but my H is unemployed at the moment which I think is causing him to stress and intimacy is the last thing on his mind.
I think you're right to be worried now. I have rarely heard of a circumstance where sex gets better after the marriage. That tends to decline over time, not improve with frequency.
You can talk to him about it and tell him you need more. If he shapes up and you start having more sex it might seem like things are better but I would be very concerned even if that happens. Unless you have a long engagement ahead of you to see if he is able to give you the amount of sex you want then any changes on his part could be short lived. It's a very hard thing to change someone's desire for sex (believe me, I've been trying for years).
Ultimately you may have to decide if this is how you want to spend your life if you marry him. If this is how he is now then do NOT have expectations that things will get better if you marry him. I honestly don't know how you change what he wants, like I said if he does change then he may only be doing that temporarily to appease you. What do you do if you get married an a few months into it he goes back to this?
I hate to suggest you get out of the relationship but IMO it would be better to get out now if you can't see yourself living the rest of your life like this. You're only 20 and there are a lot of fish in the sea; you still have plenty of time to find someone more matched to you sexually. Most men can't get enough sex and we're the ones complaining about not getting enough!
I'm having a hard time with this concept of men not wanting sex. I'm still not sure about it. I mean, he's 24 with a 20 year old. I'd live my life with a hard-on if I were him.
I've read in forums about:
- Women uninterested in sex.
- Men who are dealing with women who are uninterested in sex.
- Women dealing w/ men uninterested in sex (a lot, surprisingly).
What's missing? Men uninterested in sex. I don't see it. Guys, are you out there? I doubt it. They're either gay, cheating, into something sick, or MASSIVELY jacking to porn.
I'm not sure there is such thing as a low male libido. Anyone?
Sounds strange to me too...I thought guys thought about it hundreds of times a day..
LHT...I agree with Mike1...don't settle. I would ask him to go to counseling, and if things don't change think carefully about making that lifetime commitment. You may not be compatible in this way.
You say the problem has been for the past seven months. How long have you been together total? Prior to that, all was great?
If this was a sudden change and this difficult time has been significantly shorter than your relationship (meaning you've been together for 4 years, but only 7 months of this problem), then I would suggest couple's counseling BEFORE you get married to dig deeper into what contributed to this shift in him.
Even if the above conditions aren't true, counseling can't hurt before you make a determination on how to proceed. But if this is just how he is (it's easy to be different at the beginning, people settle into their true selves a bit later on in a relationship), know that you only have a lifetime of sexual frustration ahead of you if you marry this guy. You may choose that, but you should be conscious. These things don't tend to change with time. And he's not going to get hornier as he gets older. And it does not feel good to be that woman that can't get some. The sexual dissatisfaction eventually contaminates the rest of the relationship and your self-image.
I've read in forums about:
- Women uninterested in sex.
- Men who are dealing with women who are uninterested in sex.
- Women dealing w/ men uninterested in sex (a lot, surprisingly).
What's missing? Men uninterested in sex. I don't see it. Guys, are you out there? I doubt it. They're either gay, cheating, into something sick, or MASSIVELY jacking to porn.
Great point.
Why "jacking into porn" if there's a chick right there though?
What has changed about you since you met him? Have you gained weight? If so, how much?
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovehatething
I need some real advice because all the other people I have asked about this give me stupid answers.
I am in a frustrating relationship. Me and my fiance have been together for over four years and this past july he finally proposed. A month after becoming engaged, we moved in together. I am 20 and he is 24. Right now I am taking online courses and am not working. He brings home the money and supports both of us. He works as an IT (computers).
For the past seven months we have been struggling with intimacy. I would like it to be a couple of times a week but he is content with once a month if that. I have tried absolutely everything and he is just never interested. We have talked about it and he says he is just as frustrated but i never see it. I have to ask for it and if we do do it, it lasts 10 mins and a lot of times he cant finish. He says that he has a lot on his mind and he is always tired. I feel like those are just excuses. He likes to remind me that a relationship is not all sex. I understand this but I have needs too. When we were first dating it was three times a day...now its rare and if it does happen its like he is doin it to shut me up. Afterwards there is no cuddling or kissing. He falls asleep and doesnt want me laying on him because he is hot! And kissing? I get pecks at night and in the morning. We dont ever have those deep, weak in the knees kisses anymore. I have even tried wearing sexy lingerie or touching him and i just get rejected.
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to pull my hair out or cry my eyes out somtimes. This is taking a serious toll on my self esteem and my appetite is not decreasing at all. I need advice, how do i get him interested in it again? in me? I miss how he used to initiate it and actually enjoy making love. I am at the end of my rope. Please help!!
Has he talked to a doctor about this problem? I’m not talking about a therapist but a general practitioner or his primary care physician. This could be some form of ED and if he’s frustrated about the situation as well there could be a simple physical explanation and solution.
I agree with the others, get this figured out before you get married.
I feel for you, I am in this same boat except this did not happen until we were married.
I am just confused as the others about a man not wanting sex. my past relationships they could not get enough.
I dont know if this will help but it is worth a shot. I read in a marriage book once that a couple was having a hard time making time for intimacy. so when he went out of town for a work thing and a hour after he left she took the kids to the grandparents and she followed him there and surprised him and they pretended it was like having an affair with each other and they said it really helped with their connection.
$0.02 coming in at high speed... I agree that you need to get to get this issue dealt with before you get married. If you are seeing warning signs now, I assure you they won't get better or go away after you're married. Counseling is a good idea.
Also, backing off and not talking about your need for sex doesn't help either. That's what I did and I'm coming up on seven months without any. I really hope this works out for you, just don't get married until you work this out. Good luck.
Been there and it's not fun! I would definitely voice your concern..Maybe go out to a nice lunch/dinner or make dinner and just bring it up in a very casual, nice, sweet way. I got married when I was 20 and had never been sexually active...(My H was my first) I thought it was normal that he didn't want to have sex but it got to a point where we'd go a month or a month and a half w/o it..finally I had to say something bc I started feeling really, really insecure, I became very self conscious and depressed.. I would try to initiate it and he would just make this stupid face and say something dumb like “I'm stressed, tired, or I'm just not that into it”....and when I would get super frustrated I'd ask why all other men were so interested and he wasn't? He'd respond w/ "it's not you, it's me, I have a low sex drive”.
I would definitely voice my concern, you’re engaged now and you can walk away if you feel it’s what you want…If he loves you and feels you’re right he’ll go see a doctor, if it’s stress then maybe he needs to slow down..I understand marriage is stressful, he’s probably overwhelmed with the amount of responsibility he’s going to have to take over, having to grow up but he shouldn’t be pushing you away..You can help him relieve some of that stress by pleasing him or whatever..I wouldn’t jump to he’s cheating unless you have MAJOR signs..
I had major signs but again, never being in a relationship, my husband being my first in everything I totally disregarded the signs and when I’d bring them up he would make me feel like I was the crazy one and I needed help..Master manipulator!
I couldn’t act on “signs” or how he was treating me because he’d deny everything, I needed hard core evidence to make my gut feelings, instincts valid..I’ve lived w/ my H for the past 3 years and just recently I found that evidence my heart, soul and mind detected..
I had to live with these thoughts and insecure feelings in my head for 3 years and somehow after confronting him, I’m still the “crazy one” lol. Communication is soooooooo important!!!! Voice your concern, let him know how you feel, I’m sure he’s a great guy and he’s probably just really overwhelmed with everything.. Talk it out and see where it goes from there. If a man wants to cheat or is interested in another woman he should stop wasting his wife’s time, energy and NOT get married. Go F around all you want but don’t commit to someone who’s going to give in 150%... It’s not fair, it’s selfish and it’s heartless of them to play w/ an innocent girls heart and mind.
Good Luck!
I agree with previous posters, something is rotten in Demark so to speak. Any normal man has a fairly large sex drive. If a man is refusing sex then it could be he has low testosterone or DHEA levels or some other kind of chemical imbalance. I'd try and work to get him to go to a Dr. to get that checked. If that all comes back normal, then that means he should biologically have a normal sex drive. He may be reluctant, but ensure him it's for his own best interests. If he still doesn't move, you may need to prove your serious about it (consequences for not going, etc).
If all tests come back normal, then the hard part would be find what emotional, etc issue is going on. Is he interested in someone/something else? Is he really clinically depressed, etc.
Start with the easiest to rule out, and them move on from there.
Sexless relationship? 
Re: Sexless relationship? 
