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Old 10-14-2013, 09:41 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Didn't want to Come Home

Less talking, more doing. Might be time for boundaries, and then consequences if he crosses those boundaries. Ultimatums might need to be on the list as well, but only if you will follow through with what you say you will do.
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Old 10-14-2013, 09:51 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Yes, I did find it very disturbing. Many years after this incident I found out that my 2 older daughter had been sexual abused and molested by his sons, this came out in their mid 20's. The older boy was only 9 when he had sex with my daughter the first time. I didn't even know this was possible but read and learned alot. Our counselor then told us the only way that this could have happened was if one or both of the kids had been sexually abused. My daughter's counselor (when she was 18) had told me she thought my daughter had been sexually abused, she had been acting out, was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which is associated with sexual or physical abuse. I had started reading about sexual abuse and learned that the #1 suspect is the bio dad and #2 is the step father or brother if they exist and then it is grandfathers and uncles. I was open to any of those thoughts.

I asked my husband, father of the boy that abused my daughter, if he had abused his sons when they were small. I also asked him if he and his sister had any sexual involvement when they were young as there was something always very off about their relationship. He claims he did not but I have always had this ounce of lingering doubt.

I knew my husband was a big porn addict and when I met him (he had custody of his sons) he had porn lying around the house, his sons were 5 & 7. I asked him if he was worried at all about the boys getting ahold of the magazines, he wasn't. I told him that this could be very detrimental for small boys to see and the effects can be long lasting. He told me that when his new magazine cam in each month that he and the boys (5 & 7 and even before then) would sit down together and try to find the bunny on the front cover of the magazine.

My husband loves puzzles, mazes, solitaire, likes playing out surprise behavior, would have the kids choose which hand he had something hidden in......I make this point as I FOUND A VERY DISTURBING CONNECTION.

When I talked to my older daughters who had been abused the one thing they both said (separately) was that the boys each played games with them to lure them. This made me sick to my stomach. I ended up asking my husband a total of 5 times if he had abused his sons and each time he said that he had not. I asked the oldest boy (in an email) if he could recall any abuse but he never answered me. For 2 years after that I would not allow for my youngest daughter to be left in the house alone with her father, I was that uncertain.

I then had a conversation with one of my daughters who had been abused and expressed my concerns about my husband. She assured me it was not him. She said that she never felt unsafe with him, he never approached her. She felt is was one of the boys at their day care the boys had been going to when I met my husband so I let it go.

And as far as asperger's, that's what I keep coming back to. Communication with this man is impossible. And he does very weird and strange things.
This is all very troubling. I'm honestly wondering right now why you haven't left already. You have already had two daughters sexually molested by your husband's sons, and your husband masturbated in the same room with your three year old, and all you have is "lingering doubts"? You do realize that if your husband's sons molested your daughters it's VERY likely that they were molested themselves, whether by your husband or someone else in the family. Something is very sick and wrong here, and I think you need to wake up to it. I realize it's not 100% clear whether your husband himself has actually molested anyone, but he is clearly sexually sick, and I would not want my children around someone like that. I mean, seriously, two of your daughters were already victims. You need to protect the rest of your kids. If I were you I would start planning an exit strategy. By the way you do realize that what he did with your three-year-old alone would probably be considered a sex offense crime, right? If you're worried about him getting partial custody, that's probably something you can prevent.

Do you ever ask your kids about him in private? Whether he ever touched them or showed them anything or did anything they didn't like? Honestly, asking HIM and relying on his answer is just naive.
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Old 10-14-2013, 09:52 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Didn't want to Come Home

And I would add that even if your husband never actually molested anyone, it sounds like there's pretty much nothing good about your marriage, so I don't see why you wouldn't leave anyway.
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Old 10-14-2013, 09:53 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Didn't want to Come Home

By the way, exposing children to porn is ALSO a sex offense.
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Old 10-14-2013, 06:53 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Mace, really? How old are the both of you and how long have you been married? I know alot of men look at porn but does your husband go to porn instead of you? We have been counseled for my husband's porn addiction several years back. I still am not sure what his behavior is today but he claims he is clean. However, that has never made a difference in him seeking time with me, even non-sexually. He does his thing and does not include me in any way. I feel like I have been nothing but a housekeeper, nanny and cook to him. I get bored and I reach out to him, we might do something fun and I hope that he might reciprocate but he does not.

Right now he is upset because I told him how I have been feeling. I told him that I cannot live like this, that I feel like I have shriveled and died in their relationship and I long for touch and someone who is interested in me. I told him that the things of our past and the habits that irritate me so much might not be as big of an issue to me if there was some sincere gesture from his heart that he was interested in me and wanted to spend time with me but it's not there. He was silent.

Every time we talk like this he then tells me I am tearing him down which he did again this time and I explained I was telling him how I feel. He has since been silent, avoiding me, left the house yesterday and did not tell me where he was going. This is typical of my husband too, instead of trying to work something he gets offended and won't talk. It resolves nothing.
I have no idea if he still looks at porn frequently or not, I don't use his phone and the desktop is set to delete browser history when you close it. He is 53 and I am 42, together for 9 years married for 5. He still wants sex from me, but doesn't initiate but gets mad if I don't figure it out. He doesn't really touch or kiss or hold me anymore, rarely anyway. I don't think the porn is really a big issue, it's more my resentment of feeling like a single mom and he knows this.
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Old 10-15-2013, 03:34 AM   #21 (permalink)
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We're all mostly the same. As are most women. Marry a man, hope he'll change, then when he doesn't, you walk-away.

Sounds about right.

The title of your thread caught my eye. The day I found out my wife didn't love me any more (my "kick in the gut" moment), one of her little stories was about sitting in her car, wishing she could just keep driving. Away from me. Away from her two kids.

That should be a mantra for you walk-aways. "Just keep driving".
MrK, I have been a very dedicated and patient wife, trying to understand my husband on every level, trying to forgive and move on. There have been issues that have come to light in our marriage that have not been healthy for him, me, the kids, or our marriage so it is not a matter of not accepting and wanting change and when I don't get it I walk away.....I have been with this man for 24 years!
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Old 10-15-2013, 03:51 AM   #22 (permalink)
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This is all very troubling. I'm honestly wondering right now why you haven't left already. You have already had two daughters sexually molested by your husband's sons, and your husband masturbated in the same room with your three year old, and all you have is "lingering doubts"? You do realize that if your husband's sons molested your daughters it's VERY likely that they were molested themselves, whether by your husband or someone else in the family. Something is very sick and wrong here, and I think you need to wake up to it. I realize it's not 100% clear whether your husband himself has actually molested anyone, but he is clearly sexually sick, and I would not want my children around someone like that. I mean, seriously, two of your daughters were already victims. You need to protect the rest of your kids. If I were you I would start planning an exit strategy. By the way you do realize that what he did with your three-year-old alone would probably be considered a sex offense crime, right? If you're worried about him getting partial custody, that's probably something you can prevent.

Do you ever ask your kids about him in private? Whether he ever touched them or showed them anything or did anything they didn't like? Honestly, asking HIM and relying on his answer is just naive.
JohnLee, there was a misquote here that I would like to clarify. I posted this: "He would come home from work and while the kids were doing their homework he'd be in the bathroom masturbating to porn. He'd stay up late at night and get on the computer. I would ask if it was about porn and he repeatedly told me it was not. One of the boys found porn files hidden on the computer. One of the girls caught him watching a porn video in the same room as our 3 year old while the child was not asleep." My husband didn't masturbate, that I know of, with our (then) 3 year old in the room while he was watching porn. And why have I stayed? Many reasons, the man is not all bad. The things that have happened and have been addressed with counseling he has seemingly move fwd with. I think it has been me that has had a real hard time trusting and wanting to be close.As long as we are more of friends sharing a home I am fine in the since that he is not close enough to hard/hurt me emotionally. At the same time I long to have someone who is interested in me and he obviously is not.....I long to be touched and I have a hard time letting my husband touch me anymore. I dream at night of meeting other men and the connection we have in conversation, I crave it as my husband and I have not had this.

For many many years even though husband didn't seem interested in me, I was the one seeking him for any kind of intimacy. After awhile I found it empty and I would not feel any better afterwards and I finally figured out what I was begging for from my husband was emotional crumbs of affection and I was trying to get that thru sex.

One day, over 3 years ago, after a close friend of mine had been involved in an emotional affair and left her husband I realized how involved these situations are.....husband had a few infatuations that he pursued and he had denied for years. When asked this time though he finally confessed that his feelings for these women had been quite involved and when I asked him if he thought about sex with them he laughed and said, "Of course, I am a man." Ever since then I took a huge step back. I stopped going to him for sex, probably why I have these dreams, I am fRUSTRATED. I knew then that no matter what I did it was never going to be good enough for my husband to give to me because he had nothing to give. He wants to indulge what pleases him and as long as I go to him for sex then he'll take up on that but there is not a pay back for me. He can converse on the phone if I leave town, he can be the sweetest man then but in real life it is like a partnership...almost like I am supposed to be his man buddy.
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:31 AM   #23 (permalink)
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You seem to be avoiding the rest of the subject of my post. Ok, your husband didn't masturbate in the same room as your three year old (you think), he merely exposed him, and your other children, to porn. And his sons sexually abused your daughters, and his sister was also sexually abused. There is a very strong history of sexual abuse in your husband's family and it's reason for concern -- and you yourself admitted you had some concerns. And your husband has some strange behaviors.

Do your kids ever act out sexually in a way that seems beyond their age? How do they respond to him? How does he behave with them? Have you ever asked your kids about it when you're alone with them, instead of asking him?
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Old 10-15-2013, 10:34 AM   #24 (permalink)
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You seem to be avoiding the rest of the subject of my post. Ok, your husband didn't masturbate in the same room as your three year old (you think), he merely exposed him, and your other children, to porn. And his sons sexually abused your daughters, and his sister was also sexually abused. There is a very strong history of sexual abuse in your husband's family and it's reason for concern -- and you yourself admitted you had some concerns. And your husband has some strange behaviors.

Do your kids ever act out sexually in a way that seems beyond their age? How do they respond to him? How does he behave with them? Have you ever asked your kids about it when you're alone with them, instead of asking him?
Sorry I missed your point and thank you for responding. The 4 older children are now 28-32 years old. These were the children that were abused and molested. The oldest girl did act out sexually at a young age. She is the one diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Her stepbrother would sneak into her bedroom at night. Stepbrother did admit to his activity when the kids were in their mid 20's. The 3 year old that was in the room is now 16 and she did not act out sexual activity at an early age. As bad as it sounds, it is comforting to hear someone say these behaviors sound odd. It seems like so much is accepted now-a-days and my gut has always told me something was not right here. I just cannot lay a finger on it, counselors have had trouble as well. He definitely is emotionally unavailable and passive aggressive but I don't think that explains everything.
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Old 10-15-2013, 10:38 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Didn't want to Come Home

Porn may be "accepted" but porn all the time is not. Porn in the same room as a child is not. Porn being left out for kids to see is not.
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Old 10-16-2013, 03:45 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Porn may be "accepted" but porn all the time is not. Porn in the same room as a child is not. Porn being left out for kids to see is not.
I totally agree!
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Old 10-16-2013, 09:53 AM   #27 (permalink)
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I totally agree!
You totally agree, but what are you going to do about it? Do you think your kids are in a safe, healthy environment? Only you can know that for sure, but it's something to consider hard. And if not, it is your RESPONSIBILITY as their mother to do something about it -- either to force the environment to change or to get them out of it.
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Old 10-16-2013, 10:00 AM   #28 (permalink)
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You totally agree, but what are you going to do about it? Do you think your kids are in a safe, healthy environment? Only you can know that for sure, but it's something to consider hard. And if not, it is your RESPONSIBILITY as their mother to do something about it -- either to force the environment to change or to get them out of it.
JohnLee, the 4 older kids are ages 28-32 and on their own with families of their own, I no longer have to protect them. Our youngest is 16, senior in high school. If husband is viewing any porn anymore he doing a darn good job of covering himself. He claims he is free of the porn now and has been for years.
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Old 10-16-2013, 10:02 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Ah I see, I missed that the 16-year-old was the youngest and the part where your husband kicked the habit, sorry. It can get easy to miss things in these long threads.
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Old 10-16-2013, 11:27 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Ah I see, I missed that the 16-year-old was the youngest and the part where your husband kicked the habit, sorry. It can get easy to miss things in these long threads.
Yes, I mentioned this even though it was years past as a point that my husband lacks the common sense for proper judgement. The lack of proper judgement is an on-going problem.
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