He serves me, then changes his mind?? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 04-24-2010, 10:21 PM Thread Starter
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He serves me, then changes his mind??

I'm in need of some big time advice.

To make a very long story short, my husband and I have been married for 3 years this July. Things have been extremely rocky during this time.

The whole time I've been a full time student, which has made him feel ignored. He works very long hours at a ridiculous job, which makes me feel ignored. He's also OBSESSED with his job, hence me feeling ignored. He's been emotionally unfaithful several times, which has obviously destroyed my trust in him. He's walked out on me 3 times and 5 days after the last, I was served with divorce papers.

Obviously things were once good. I was young, naive, and in love. He was young-ish, immature, and in lust. Over the years, I've grown up and have some serious expectations for a happy future (ie, a husband that pursues me even when I'm wrinkly, a husband that is actually home for his family [future kids], a husband that makes me feel like the ONE every day, etc etc). I came to realize that every ingredient in my perfect life (present and future) was missing. When confronted (in months passed), he basically tells me he can't give me my perfect life.

I'm now 2 weeks away from graduating school, 1 month away from having an excellent job. I've found an apartment and started to pack my things and plan my new life.

Tonight (3 weeks after being served), he tells me that he loves me, he loves us, and wants to fix things. How can I trust him NOW? How can I believe him NOW?

My gut tells me to continue on my path of independence, because he's hurt me so many times and he will do it again. BUT my heart tells me that no matter what, we will be together.

What do I do???
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 04-24-2010, 11:03 PM
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Re: He serves me, then changes his mind??

Having just been through a similar situation, I would advise you not to make any changes just yet. How do you trust him? It's up to him to rebuild your trust in him. You will know if it is happening.

Something my husband says from time to time is that being with me makes him want to be a better person, and he does change and grow. maybe your husband is ready to grow, having realized exactly what he is about to lose. I'd suggest, eventually, some kind of program or counsel to help coach you (HIM) in how to be a couple and grow together.


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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 04-24-2010, 11:36 PM
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Re: He serves me, then changes his mind??

I don't think it's right to give up on marriage, but I would if my husband turned his attention to another woman. I would never trust him again no matter how much I love him. It would be over with no chance for him to do it a second time. I know a lot of women make that idle threat and do nothing when faced with the challenge. But, I've done it before and I would do it again.

I think there's more to it in your case though. It doesn't appear either of you have been devoted to the marriage. You can't neglect each other and expect the marriage to survive. Separation/Divorce was the inevitable outcome. Had you not admitted you've been more dedicated to your studies, I would suggest you stay on course to a new life. But you have both had the same complaint and neither did anything about it. He turned his attention elsewhere. Even though you didn't do that, you still have the same resentments as him. Therefore, I suggest you give the marriage another chance. However, you cannot allow yourself and cannot allow him to take anything for granted. He said he wants to fix things, you have to hold him to the task of contributing to the "fix" and equally so apply yourself. Don't just get back together. You will likely fall into the same patterns. Agree on a plan and follow it. Verbalize some commitments and don't break them. And get marriage counseling so you learn how to do those things. You or he might immediately say you don't need counseling, but you do. You'd be surprised how much goal-oriented (as opposed to just someone to sit/lay down and talk to) therapy will help. He said he wants to fix things, then make him understand this the work that is required. Make sure you understand it too. If you get back together and do nothing, thinking you know everything and don't need help, then you and I will likely meet again. I'm not looking forward to that. Are you?
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 04-25-2010, 04:17 AM
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Re: He serves me, then changes his mind??

Maybe you can try a trial separation, and see how things go, but I know that is a huge mind game and I'd be confused just as well. Something similar happened with my husband and I, but we worked it out and talked about it. Maybe you guys should try to do the same. Sit down and set goals for yourselves. Where can you improve? Where can you each put forth a bit more effort? See what you can come up with and take it from there.
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