danny

emotional support.

Hey, folks my name is Danny and I've been married to the same woman since 1988. She and I have been together since 1987. We were high school sweethearts and lost our respective virginities to one another a few months before marriage.

My wife comes from a family of stoic red dirt farmers dominated by rough men who despised the public display of affection. She had almost no strong female role models.

I was raised by a wonderful grandmother and divorced aunts who hugged and kissed each other if we went more than twenty-four hours without seeing one another. I had almost no strong male role models.

We had two children. Both have graduated high school, are now both national guard soldiers and college students.

My wife works and is not stingy with her money. I work and my check is direct deposited into our joint account. She has full access to my money and is very responsible with it.

Sexually ~ I have but to ask. She can be sleeping and I can wake her up with a request. She almost always fulfills my request with a smile.

She is 5'4, 125lbs, blue eyed, blonde and her face has always reminded me of Rosanna Arquette.

She had a very rough, coarse and vulgar father who was quick to condemn and mock but unable to give compliments or emotional support. As a result she is probably the emotionally stronger one of us.

She has always had the ability to shut me out completely when she's upset with me. I'm talking the ability to go weeks without speaking to me if she gets mad. She never makes the first step towards reconcilliation.

Having said that....I can sneak up behind her when she's angry and start pinching her butt or tickling her and get her to start speaking to me though I always get a punch in the ribs or a hard pinch before she again opens up the lines of communication.

I am in a relationship that I can repair any time so long as as I am willing to make the first move towards reconcilliation no matter who is at fault and when we are getting along it's pretty great. I'm just tired of being the one who always has to take the blame.

Freak On a Leash

Well, not everyone and everything is perfect. It sounds like you have an attractive, reasonable wife with a bit of a rough exterior to her. She sounds like she's fun and interesting. You've raised two kids with her and been together over 20 years. But she doesn't give in when you have a fight.

I say suck it up and deal with it. Say you're sorry and have make up sex. Problem solved.

Crypsys

Everyone has an area in their life that they are very weak with. My wife sounds somewhat like your wife. In any argument I have to be the peacemaker and I have to always make the first moves. If she had her way, she can and has gone for weeks until I reconcile first.

My wife has a bi-polar/schizophrenic/severe alcoholic mother. Her father handled the situation by working 100+ hour weeks. She ended up raising herself and her brother from a very young age in a very bad childhood.

It's something I knew going into the marriage that would be her Achilles heel so to speak. But, in the end all of her other awesome traits outweigh this one bad one. And, I'll be honest I sure as hell have my own bad traits as well!

I sure as hell know it gets REALLY old always being the peacemaker (Even when you are right)!! But, I think we always need to keep the big picture in mind. Is dealing with that irritant (that probably will never change) worth the smiles, kisses and hugs we get from a loving wife? In my case, I answer with a empathic YES!!!

Affaircare

First, Crypsys! I'm not worthy! That was beautiful and to the point. Some people do have an area that just is not their strongpoint, and the fact is that in exchange for the 64 bajillion STRONG points we make the decision to be aware of and accept the one weak point, and determine in our hearts to honor our commitment anyway. If I could clap, I would!

Second, I did highlight one point that sort of caught my eye, though. When you two disagree, and you make the first move to reconcile...do you say "I was wrong I'm sorry!" and she says "I was wrong too. I'm so sorry!" and then it's all better? Or do you admit your part, and she then blames you and says that she's glad she sees you were wrong?

There is a bit of a difference, and those two scenarios would be dealt with differently--so that's why I ask.

Finally, it may be that you two have some personality type difference that explain the emotional thing too. For example, often in a couple the male person is the more logical, thinker type and the female is the more emotional, feeler type...but not always! There are feeler men and thinker women. So you may want to take this Jung Myers-Briggs Personality Test and see if you are an F personality and she is a T. If so, that would be a portion of the reason why you have a softer, affectionate heart and she has the more logical, analytical heart.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

Crypsys

Thanks for the compliment! Although as my grandfather always told me "Son, never get a big head when someone gives you a compliment. Remember, even a stopped clock is right twice a day."


The Mrs. and I started getting along so much better when I finally realized she wasn't wanting me to solve her problems, just listen. I used to get so frustrated because she was constantly texting me, calling me, asking me about problems she had. I would always do what I thought she wanted and try to help her fix them. I would then get frustrated because she would still talk to me about it day after day, etc. I would always think to myself "I NEVER come to her with all of these issues or problems, what's wrong with her that she lives in so much drama." I read (don't laugh) Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. I was then able to realize she didn't have more problems then me, she just externalized them and talked to me about them as part of how she operated emotionally. She just wanted me to understand and listen.


I agree, Meyers-Briggs are good ways to help both of you understand where each of you are coming from. My wife and I both took those tests and then read a book by David Keirsey called "Please Understand Me". (I am an ENFP, the Mrs. is a ISFJ)

danny

yep! I do love my wife but that woman is an emotional light switch! on/off like a light switch!

Her mom and my mom were bi-polar and schizophrenic and emotionally detached from the world. Neither were worth a damn at nurturing and both not only very much regretted having children but would say so fairly often when we were kids.

When things are good between us it's awesome. I took her out for dinner at her favorite place in Wichita Falls, TX (about an hour's drive) yesterday for Mother's Day and bought her a second tattoo (hey, we both got 'em) and we really had a blast.

I love her and I know she loves me. When it's good between us we hold hands, grab each other's butts and are constantly touching.

Let me give you an example of what this woman can be like. I'm restoring a 1964 Ford Fairlane that we actually dated, fornicated and honeymooned in.

I sent the front bumper off to be rechromed about two weeks ago. Guy said it would take six weeks. It came back last Monday instead.

I sent the wife a text message saying I needed to get $400 out of the bank to pay for it.......kinda sorta between paydays, ya know? Her text response to me was "And? Sounds like you better go get your bumper."

If she had been as emotionally open when we got married as she has become over the past two decades we'd be so fantastically happy.

We're trying........