What does it mean if she will not talk to me about us?

tony8404 · 05-03-2010, 10:27 AM

I am very confused about my wife. I feel she no longer loves me but she says she does, yet I feel as if I live with a roomate.
The last 9 years have not been the greatest but I finally have grown up and want to make/fix everything. Since I stopped drinking 9 months ago, I finally feel like I was when i first had first gotten married. Though I am not sure about the wife anymore.
She will not talk to me about us, all I get is yes or no answers. Most of the time it seems like she just wants me to shut up, so she will just tell me yes, to shut me up.
Now she was sick all last week and this weekend so maybe she did not want to talk about us last night, like i wanted to. Yet, I have been waiting to talk about us for a while now and i am tired of waiting. She does not show any interest to talk about us, it seems as if it is a burden to her now.
She tells me last night she did not want to talk about us, another night she says, i told her exactly when cause i am tired of waiting. I told her how about when she feels better, she says i do not know.
To me it seems she is hiding something or doesnt want to tell me how she feels about us. I am tired of feeling like i just live with a room mate. There is no sex, no kissing, ho hugging, no affection, nothing........ I have given her space, i stop asking about sex.
I tell her, all i want to do is make her happy and all i want is for us to be in love again and everything to be how it should be. But I do not feel she feels the same as i do now but wont tell me.
Why does she not want to talk to me about us? its driving me crazy... She tells me, i do not want to talk about that crap right now, then i just think, wow just tell me you dont love me and i will go away but she wont tell me that, she tells me she loves me.
She barley spoke to me saturday or sunday, yet she will get a text message from her friend and she will text a paragraph back to her but yet wont say anything to me, when i do say something it is very short on her answer. I told her last night if you wont talk directly to me we can text since you talk to everyone else but me and she tells me to shut up.
Should i just not even bother anymore, i mean should i just really not give a crap anymore... I feel like just leaving her and seeing what happens. I doubt she would even care or notice..
I really do not want to go back to drinking cause of her but this is driving me crazy. She had told me if I go back to drinking we are over with, i sorta feel maybe she is pushing me back to drinking for me to ruin it all and put the blame on me instead of her....
I asked her to go to marriage counceling before she said she would but I am not ready for that yet nor do i have the money. I was told by someone here that is she says no to MC then its over but if she says yes there is a chance/hope. I think i will ask her again today and see if that has changed. any help out there?

swedish · 05-03-2010, 11:14 AM

Hi Tony,

Going back to drinking will be a disaster for you...I hope you are not seriously considering that route.

Here's what I'm thinking. As a codependent, when you were drinking she may have felt in charge, yet still the "martyr" and the "victim". Now that things are changed (for the better for you!), she will likely need time to adjust to her new "role" in your relationship. Alanon might be a good option for her vs. marriage counseling right now because she is saying she loves you but she may not be ready to fully plug in or she may be too hurt from the past to let her guard down. She may be able to find others in the same situation to talk through her feelings.

At this point, it may not be about you, but more about her.

Lars · 05-03-2010, 11:22 AM

She said YES to marriage counseling, then you need to do WHATEVER it takes to get the money to go to marriage counseling. I mean, you were able to buy booze before...right? You might also be smothering her by asking her to talk about the marriage so much. Give her some time - but let her know you are ready to talk whenever she's ready. Continuing to ask her is probably just pushing her away...I know, I've been there.

Susan2010 · 05-03-2010, 11:59 AM

You are being way too demanding. Forcing her to talk to you is not the way to fix your marriage or anything else. Besides, fixing things takes way more than just talking, and it sounds like you have a lot to make amends for.

And then, you use the subject of marriage counseling as a ploy to lead yourself into more assumptions than you've already made. She already told you yes, but you don't want to go and have no intention of going and you make excuses not to go. You clearly just want your way and want to manipulate her into getting your way. She is hep to your tactics and she is tired of your antics.

If I can see you are empty, she certainly knows it full well having lived with you for so many years. She already knows what you are after, and she already knows talking is useless. In addition to that, she has no reason to feel any obligation that fixing the marriage is her responsibility just because you keep trying to make her talk to you about it. She is looking/waiting for action. Like I said, you have a lot to amend. Forget marriage counseling for now and get yourself some counseling. She needs you to assure her that you are willing to work and not just talk.