iheartmywife

russel thanks for your input. I am really thinking about moving back. your rite you can't rekindle what you have if your separate. I'm going to pray on it. ill give her a week to herself and see where we stand.
as for it could be a male. I don't think so. if I find out it is. well I hope he's ready for it. family is very important to me. but like I said its her female friend.
we texted each other today. I gave her the times we could go see the counselor. she chose when. I decided to do it that way so she would have a choice whether to go or not. I also asked if she wants to meet me there or go together. we are going together. like I've been saying I no my wife. she just needs to say what she means and mean what she says.
for those going through similar circumstances. go to your god. I haven't been able to sleep at night without crying or go through the day without crying. I sat down and read my moms bible. I read until I couldn't read no more. when I was done I was so at peace I went straight to sleep. I have not cryed since.
last sunday my mom sat me down and let me down and let me listen to one of her pastors preaching from a cd. the thing that I took away from it was. everyone likes change but no one likes the process of change. last night I turned a corner in my life. I'm just taking it one day at a time.
will keep you guys updated. thanks for your input

therelationshipguy

We all do things that we wish we could take back. I think a counselor will be able to help you get on the same page together. Many marriage problems occur because the people involved do not establish a language that they both speak and understand. This creates a situation where each person says what they think but it doesn't register clearly with the other person. Ask your counselor for help on communicating clearly and stick with it over time. You may want to both agree to keep it light until you see the counselor.

__________________
The Relationship Guy
www.myrelationshipguy.com

iheartmywife

thanks relationship guy. that is what im planning to do. what im getting is that we were both arguing the same points but not hearing each other. i really just wanna run back in the house and sleep in my own bet with my wife. i know right now we have alot to work out. i am however not going to stay away too long. there is no way for a marriage to work if we are not together. i am hoping that the counselor really sheds some light on the situation. im counting down the days until then. reading my bible and doing pushups. ive got alot of energyand without the wife there to help release it im stuck working out...constantly.
i told her that im giving her her space for now. but we are not getting the d word. ive kept up my part by giving her her space. the only time i interact with her is when i text her and tell her be safe when she heads off to work. not that i feel obligated to do it. she has a very dangerous job. i worry alot. its alot less than when she first started. i just dont want to see her hurt. i just want her to know that im behind her and i want her safety.
is texting her not giving her space? i wish there was a book on what to do in the situation. i want to give her her space but i dont want her to think that i dont care.
imput is valued thanks

swedish

just my opinion but I think texting her to be safe, knowing she has a dangerous job, is a sweet gesture and I don't think it qualifies as invading the space she's requesting. I would think to text/call/email/in person and speak of your current relationship & of your current feelings or shower her with gifts/dote on her would probably invade her space right now.

iheartmywife

thank you. i just needed another opinion.
my mother in law just called me. just to see how i was holding up. it feels so good just to know that she cares about me. not to be too mushie or anything but i miss her and my lil bro inlaw and my nefew and even my sister in law( even though she is the only one in the family that i just cant get along with.) but its not me. shes just standoffish with everyone. i just dont take it personal. i just work around it. the whole inlaw thing doesnt matter to me because i look at them like sis, lil bro, my very funny and at times annoying lil nefew who i call lil man(im the only one in the house he listens to.) and of course my mother from another mother.
i miss them greatly. i especially miss sunday breakfast. im a vegitarian so my mother basically got everyone on the same diet.
someone stop me. i could go on for days about them.
i apologized to my mother in law for getting her involved in the whole thing. she said what all mothers would say. no need to apologize. my mother inlaw and my wife are not talking. mostly in part that my wife is stubborn. we both are. dont get me wrong i knew that from the get go. its just one of those things that attracted me to her. odd right. lol. my mother inlaw said she guess she came down a lil too hard on her so shes going to talk to her again.
7 more days until counseling.cant wait.
the book of mattew
{19:4}And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made [them] at the beginning made them male and female,
{19:5} And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
{19:6} Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh.
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put
asunde

iheartmywife

ok I'm in a bit of a dilema. like u guys have read. I decided to give her some space. I text her nitely just to say be safe. here's the problem. we have a bank account together. like all married people should. just checked the account and its missing $400. it was taken out last friday. I passed by her saturday and droped off 80. she said she didn't have any money. I get paid cash so we use some of my money and the rest goes in the bank. hers gets deposited straight to the bank. money in the bank isn't to be touched at all. and if it does the other person would have to know. that was the agreement. do I call her up and question her about it or just wait until counseling. I'm very confused on how to handle this. do I give space or question the whereabout of the phantom 400

swedish

Unless it will cause financial hardship in the meantime or you are concerned it might not be your wife that withdrew it, I would wait until counseling.

iheartmywife

well heres the update. as of present i have moved back in with my wife. things arent back to normal but at least we are together. we have counseling today. we spoke about where things went wrong and i told her my promise to change. i use to do lil things for her that didnt seem important at the time but they were to her. ive really seen where i went wrong and im changing.
i know to her it was a big step for me to move in but im just happy she wanted me back. last night i held her in my arms as she slept and kissed her forehead. something i always did. i didnt realize how much i would miss that. i told her that ive decided to slow down and smell the roses. no more worring about the future instead i will be concentrating on our present. i just want to give her the happyness that she deserves.
as for the money she told me without me asking that she gave the money to her mom for a plane ticket for our neice. so there goes that mystery.
prior to me moving back that sunday i came from church and went over to see her. she was at the hair salon. now if your a guy you cringe at the thought of going there. when i walked in a got a couple of stares but i paid it no mind. my wife was under the dryer so i sat next to her and we talked, and talked and talked. we were catching up with each others lifes. by the way the dryer i was sitting under was broken. it wouldnt turn off. smh i was in a suit. i must of sweat off like two pounds but i didnt care. afterwards we went to go get her nails and eyebrows done. that was cringe #2 but i maned up and went. she was apparently pampering herself. she looked really good by the way. REALLY GOOD. we sat up in there for like a good hour. i got like a contact high off of the fumes in that nail salon. afterwards we went to my moms house for a sec and she told me she wanted ice cream. i think she just wanted to spend more time with me. we got ice cream and i walked her back to the car. she was apparently waiting for me to make a move but i didnt. i waited until she got in the car and told her to roll down the window. i gave her a kiss and she left. she called me when she got home just to say she got home. we lived like 5 blocks from each other. i really appreciated her doing that. even though its a short distance.

ok so i kinda have a new problem. the separation hasnt been good to either of us. i havent really been eating so i lost some wait. maybe a good pants size. i saw her naked for the first time in three weeks and she put on weight. im not talking a lil bit im talking alot. i really didnt care. if she had let me i would of jumped all over her. shes still sexy to me. more of her to love. i just hope that she can lose some of the weight that she gained.

thanks for listening

swedish

In the same house and starting counseling, that's a great start and good to hear. As you say, take it slow.

You don't need new problems....don't make the weight issue a problem...it will be a big one if you mention it to her. If the weather is nice, why not suggest going for a walk? It's a great way to get out and talk and has the added benefit of getting some exercise....without needing to mention needing some exercise

iheartmywife

well today was the first day of counseling. its the just getting to know u period. we explained to him each of our problems. he asked her if she is willing to work at it and she said yes. then he gave the speal about how if one person isn't willing to work on it then it won't work and the marriage is doomed. which is true. after bout half hour he told me to leave the room and the two of them talked. later i came back in and we talked some more. I no she was a bit uncomfortable with it but she stuck through it. I'm proud of her. the only eye contact she made was to me. next counseling is monday. I'm also taking that day off. I'm really starting not to give two s*** about my job. marriage first. its robbed me of my time with my wife.
well we get in the car and get to talking. she poured out everything I did wrong to her. I'm sure she has more but she is just saving it. she really let me have it. I don't know like people say if they had another chance to go back they wouldn't change anything. bull. I was young and very stupid and I had a wonderful person and I treated her like crap. so the arguement eventually died down when I explained to her that since she's met me I've grown. like I have done almost a 180. I don't hang with the same friends I use to and I started taking her more seriously.
ok ladies can anyone answer me a question. when I man asks like he doesn't care you love him to death but when he does care and your his world he becomes needie. what? it makes no sense.
so we go for dinner. and go home. we sat in bed and watched tv for a minute and I told her I wanted to talk. so we went back and forth opening up. she told me she actually enjoyed the time apart because she felt free. I told her I wasn't tryin to control her. I just wanted my time. we talked for like almost two hours and she had to go to sleep for work. we cuddled. me being big spoon. ladies sometimes it doesn't hurt for you to be the big spoon. I told her I loved her and for the first time in weeks got it back.

iheartmywife

its 3 in the morn and I can't sleep. my heart is so heavy it hurts. I don't no what to do. it feels like my heart is breaking and fallin through me. I don't no if anyone has ever been through what I'm going through but its hard. I not only have to show her that I love her but show her I'm changing and somehow get her to fall back in love with me. I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my mind and myself. I can't eat properly and I lose focus easy.
it hurts so much to hear that the person you care about doesn't love you the way they use to. its like someone stampin on your heart all day and night.
I no I wanna be with her but I'm wondering if I'm doing all this for nothing. if at the end of all this she's gonna turn around and say nah I just can't do it.
it feels a lil better to get it off my chest.
all that keeps me going is that I no I love her and that she still makes me feel just like how I felt when I told her I loved her for the 1st time. that's the reason I asked her to marry me. its the feeling. like nervous anticipation. I hope it all works out. she is my heart string. like I said in my vows she's the keeper of my soul.
I hope this saturday goes well so we can actually have some fun. I just wanna hang with her. not as a husband but as a boyfriend. things were simpliar back then. money and a car didn't matter. just spending the time.
there is one thing I always remember. I was over her house late and her mom came home. this was when we were dating and we tied a sheet to her bed and I scaled down the side of the wall so she wouldn't get in trouble. lmao was a regular spiderman. I miss those dayz. hiding under the bed and in a tiny closet so we wouldn't get caught. those now that I look back on it were the best times of my life. I didn't mind the sneaking around it was fun.
I think getting our own place qas where we went wrong. we should of left long time ago.

swedish

I think you have this somewhat reversed (as I see it anyway) If I am in love with a man and he acts as if he doesn't care, it slowly wears away at my heart until I feel empty and resentful towards him. Then he has this big awakening that something is wrong and decides to change, but I'm still feeling empty as if I have given all I have and have nothing more to give. It's hard to welcome the change because I feel past the point of even wanting to risk opening up my heart and having it broken again so the constant attention is just uncomfortable and overwhelming at this point. It is just putting a lot of pressure on her if you expect her to react to you when she is trying to sort out her mind in her current state of confusion.

Take it slow. Give her heart the time it needs to heal. Let her see the changes you are making will stand the test of time.
Doing all of what for nothing? Being a better person? No matter what happens in the end, there's a benefit for you in becoming a better man so do it for yourself. Even if she does say 'I just can't do it' you still end up a better man in the end.

iheartmywife

well guys i dont really know what to say. ive never been this mad in years. my wife my soul my everything is talking to another dude. a dude she works with. i already know his name and everything. im am still at home with her. i havent told her yet. i dont know how to come out and tell her i know.
what makes it worst is that shes bold face lying about stuff now. from the fact the phone bill aint come in yet. even though ive seen it. ive been sitting there doing my best to make things right for my family and the whole time she was joneing for some other dude. what i dont get is that the dude knows that we are married. its not like its a secret.
i know that i am willing to forgive her. this time. but she needs to drop him. flat out drop him. there will not be a next time. she doesnt get it. if hes willing to mess up a marriage now y wouldnt he do it to her?
i wanna choke the living daylights out of the both of them. but i know there is nothing good can come of that. im stuck not knowing what to do. please help. i spoke to the only married friend i have and he told me he went through the same thing. we are going over by their house tomorrow to talk to the two of them. maybe they could shed some light on the situation since they have been in it. ive done what i can i cant do no more. my friend told me that you cant force someone to love you and hes right. i however dont wanna let go. this saturday is supose to be out anniversary. it just kills me
she made it seem like it was all my fault. after counseling on wednesday she let what she had off her chest about how i messed up in the past and how all my friends were bad influences. i told her that since i got married i cut the people that were detremental to my marraige off. and the past is the past it cant be changed. i asked her that since we got married have i been this way. she said no. duh. y would i jeprodize something that was so important to me in the first place. in the past im not gonna lie i was a damn good looking person. damn good looking. still am. i still get offers from random people on the street but i dont do nothing because im married.
someone please help. i wanna stay together but i dont know how to go about it. i think she owes me that much to really try since it was her fault. not mine. she litterally made me feel like ****.

any advice will be great.

swedish

If you really want to stay together, be really careful about not attacking her when you tell her you know. If you come off as attacking she will naturally pull away and not feel comfortable talking to you. I know this will be difficult, but if your goal is to work through this, you need to talk calmly about what is going on. You may get information that will help rebuild your marriage if she feels comfortable that she can open up to you and tell you why she's talking to someone else. She may just be seeking the same support you have been getting from your parents and in laws as they seem to be less supportive of her in this situation. Please don't jump to conclusions & 'keep your eyes on the prize' when you talk....in other words, be thoughtful with your words ensuring what you say is in line with the goal to make your marriage stronger...not to win an argument or catch her, etc.

iheartmywife

well it took until sunday to talk to her about it. when I first did she did what I knew she would do. deny it. well after I called his name I caught her attention. long story short. she admitted it. then she told me that she would end it with him. I told her that I am willing to forgive and move on. but it had to stop. I love her and I'm willing to let it go this time. there is no other time. this whole time I've blamed myself for everything and even though I was wrong I would neva do that. marriage and family is way to important to me. anyway its only up from here I guess. we are going to be looking for an apartment and move soon. we have vacation together in a month. hopefully I could get some. lol my people are feeling kinda neglected. I am howeva taking it one day at a time. she has to show me that she is willing to wok for this marriage. I am going to continue going to church and start school soon. I am also going to change the way I talk to her and show her more attention and be the husband I should of been before. and if she doesn't want to loose me she will do the same.
for those who plan on or are cheatin on the husband or wife remember this verse
proverbs 6:32 - but who so committeth adultery with a woman (also man) lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul