I love my wife, soul mate, friend..but she said she no longer loves me
Hi, well ill try to cut this short so that IF anyone has suggestions that can help me, I would really appreciate it!
My wife and have been together for 14yrs since she was 19/20 married for 7 and have a 6yr old son who is fantastic and he and I are very close. I have and do love my wife to bits and we have never argued / fought etc and have had a great life together up to now! Like others we have fallen into the financial trap and run up debt, I did not involve myself with the financial side of things and left this to my wife to sort out.
I have been made redundant three times, though no fault of my own and on the last one I fell into a depressed state of mind. My wife was also made redundant at the same time. Luckily I managed to get another job but this did not meet our financial needs.
In hind sight I would have started a IVA before all this happened, but thought that the best thing I could do was get another job…spending night after night trawling the internet looking for jobs, sending CV’s writing letters etc etc.
I would finish at 01:00 – 03:00 am each morning and then first started to go to bed, then started to sleep downstairs as I did not want to wake my wife.
I also took my frustrations / tiredness out on her dad, we did not get along that well and in truth I vented my anger at him, so I stayed away from family gatherings…missing 2-3 in total.
However I was always there at home, collecting my son from childminder, did my share of cooking etc ok prob 30% but while I was not doing this I would play with my son.
We did go places, see other people and had what I would consider to be an okay social life, but financially it was hard and still is. IVA is now being set up.
8 weeks ago my wife (34yr) throw up her hands and said she could no longer cope, I started to take on the finances and seeing what options were open to us. A few days later when we talked again she stood there and said that she loved me but was not in love with me! My world as I knew it has not been the same and came to an end! I pushed for reasons as to why she no longer wanted me, and for the first week we shared the martial bed. During this week I went into overdrive and well, just did her head in..she couldn’t pick up anything without me taking it, washing it up etc….OTT.
I broke down and moved out, she didn’t try to stop me but said nothing….a few days later I returned to see my son, she didn’t want me to leave but I said I had to, seeing her without being able to hold her was killing me.
I had not slept for a week eaten or anything, just started a new job which I could just about function, I then posted something stupid on Facebook, which while not insulting to her, she used that as the excuse to remove her wedding rings! This crushed me further and I pushed and pushed to get her to see since and come back to me… to no avail!
Eventually we spoke, she said that she was sorry but that it where she is at the moment but wanted me to return so that she could leave….Leave the home our son everything!
I took it that this was her attempt to run and agreed to return to the home. She then changed her mind at the last minute and moved into the spare room.
I have tried a few times to talk, go over my thoughts feelings as to how and why this has happened. She was and is my soul mate, my everything. In 14 yrs I have not so much looked at another and she has been the same, we were so into each other. Texting, emailing phone calls…she used to ring me and sing to me down the phone!
I have backed off in the past week and a half, she has stopped talking about divorce and selling the home, but we struggle to be in each other company without our son present. We still remain as a team where he is concerned and back each other up. I know that I must stop trying to resolve the issues, and focus on the here and now. Trouble is I think as we have never argued, that we or at least I don’t know how to re-establish the relationship….I also don’t know if she has changed her mind etc. and i turth im scared to push for any answers.
At first she siad she had not talked to anyone, i have really spat my toys out and have gine through so many frustarting epesodes that she feels that she doenst know me, and i also feel the same. the wall that she has built is toatly new to me and one that i have never seen before!
I didn’t think she was hurting as she was cold, calm and focused…but like me she has lost loads of weight…iv lost 20kgs in 8 weeks! She doesn’t sleep, and looks worn out and tells me when I saked her during my last attempt if she was happy,, that she wasn’t.
If she didn’t want us to be together she could have left, also she wouldn’t be hurting right? She is doing the same things as before, dinner, washing etc but im trying to do my own washing / ironing etc to show her I that I can change also getting involved with finances.
I thought that perhaps PMT / mid life crisis or even a break down or depression may be a factor, she does suffer from PMT and is in her mid thirties…
we have played tit for tat, if im in she goes out with "friends" and i do the same. I brought our son a toy she went and got a bigger one...this i will not do! im not going to spoil him and while he is 6 hes a very clever 6! but while he loves us both he and I are best mates and extremaly close.
Please please if you have suggestions etc please offer them, I love her with all my heart and don’t want to loose her or our marriage,
I love her have told her so mnay times but i am trying to back off, so just now and again say every three - four days gap send her a text saying I love you.