I love my wife, soul mate, friend..but she said she no longer loves me
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Old 05-06-2010, 07:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I love my wife, soul mate, friend..but she said she no longer loves me

Hi, well ill try to cut this short so that IF anyone has suggestions that can help me, I would really appreciate it!

My wife and have been together for 14yrs since she was 19/20 married for 7 and have a 6yr old son who is fantastic and he and I are very close. I have and do love my wife to bits and we have never argued / fought etc and have had a great life together up to now! Like others we have fallen into the financial trap and run up debt, I did not involve myself with the financial side of things and left this to my wife to sort out.

I have been made redundant three times, though no fault of my own and on the last one I fell into a depressed state of mind. My wife was also made redundant at the same time. Luckily I managed to get another job but this did not meet our financial needs.

In hind sight I would have started a IVA before all this happened, but thought that the best thing I could do was get another job…spending night after night trawling the internet looking for jobs, sending CV’s writing letters etc etc.
I would finish at 01:00 – 03:00 am each morning and then first started to go to bed, then started to sleep downstairs as I did not want to wake my wife.

I also took my frustrations / tiredness out on her dad, we did not get along that well and in truth I vented my anger at him, so I stayed away from family gatherings…missing 2-3 in total.
However I was always there at home, collecting my son from childminder, did my share of cooking etc ok prob 30% but while I was not doing this I would play with my son.

We did go places, see other people and had what I would consider to be an okay social life, but financially it was hard and still is. IVA is now being set up.

8 weeks ago my wife (34yr) throw up her hands and said she could no longer cope, I started to take on the finances and seeing what options were open to us. A few days later when we talked again she stood there and said that she loved me but was not in love with me! My world as I knew it has not been the same and came to an end! I pushed for reasons as to why she no longer wanted me, and for the first week we shared the martial bed. During this week I went into overdrive and well, just did her head in..she couldn’t pick up anything without me taking it, washing it up etc….OTT.

I broke down and moved out, she didn’t try to stop me but said nothing….a few days later I returned to see my son, she didn’t want me to leave but I said I had to, seeing her without being able to hold her was killing me.

I had not slept for a week eaten or anything, just started a new job which I could just about function, I then posted something stupid on Facebook, which while not insulting to her, she used that as the excuse to remove her wedding rings! This crushed me further and I pushed and pushed to get her to see since and come back to me… to no avail!

Eventually we spoke, she said that she was sorry but that it where she is at the moment but wanted me to return so that she could leave….Leave the home our son everything!

I took it that this was her attempt to run and agreed to return to the home. She then changed her mind at the last minute and moved into the spare room.

I have tried a few times to talk, go over my thoughts feelings as to how and why this has happened. She was and is my soul mate, my everything. In 14 yrs I have not so much looked at another and she has been the same, we were so into each other. Texting, emailing phone calls…she used to ring me and sing to me down the phone!

I have backed off in the past week and a half, she has stopped talking about divorce and selling the home, but we struggle to be in each other company without our son present. We still remain as a team where he is concerned and back each other up. I know that I must stop trying to resolve the issues, and focus on the here and now. Trouble is I think as we have never argued, that we or at least I don’t know how to re-establish the relationship….I also don’t know if she has changed her mind etc. and i turth im scared to push for any answers.

At first she siad she had not talked to anyone, i have really spat my toys out and have gine through so many frustarting epesodes that she feels that she doenst know me, and i also feel the same. the wall that she has built is toatly new to me and one that i have never seen before!

I didn’t think she was hurting as she was cold, calm and focused…but like me she has lost loads of weight…iv lost 20kgs in 8 weeks! She doesn’t sleep, and looks worn out and tells me when I saked her during my last attempt if she was happy,, that she wasn’t.

If she didn’t want us to be together she could have left, also she wouldn’t be hurting right? She is doing the same things as before, dinner, washing etc but im trying to do my own washing / ironing etc to show her I that I can change also getting involved with finances.

I thought that perhaps PMT / mid life crisis or even a break down or depression may be a factor, she does suffer from PMT and is in her mid thirties…

we have played tit for tat, if im in she goes out with "friends" and i do the same. I brought our son a toy she went and got a bigger one...this i will not do! im not going to spoil him and while he is 6 hes a very clever 6! but while he loves us both he and I are best mates and extremaly close.

Please please if you have suggestions etc please offer them, I love her with all my heart and don’t want to loose her or our marriage,

I love her have told her so mnay times but i am trying to back off, so just now and again say every three - four days gap send her a text saying I love you.

Thanks
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, soul mate, friend..but she said she no longer loves me

Matt I replied to you on my thread, check it out. Hang in there my friend, as painful as it is for you.
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Old 05-06-2010, 09:40 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, soul mate, friend..but she said she no longer loves me

Thank you for your reply, this does not seem to be an unusual situation i find myself in! While i would not claim the husband of the year award, im not and arse and have tried my hardest to love her. yes in the past 12mths i have taken my eye of the ball while trying to get another job to help with the finances as i sore this as the only option! little did i know that there are many options and we should have sat down and explored them together...but i cant turn back time! I will continue to be pacient and give her time...dod i thik theres another...not sure but there again i would never had throught that we would come to this! i know that shes stressed but this is in no way her fault. we got here..but i just want us to get back or rather forward together.
I know leaving did more harm than good, also understand that she does not want to talk about this at the moment so will leave it alone.but thats not to say that it is to be ignored. one day i hope we can sit and talk about what happend. I love her so very much that its tearing my inside out, litterally feels like that too! i prey for others and myself...and im not relegious but fnd i have turned to faith.
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Old 05-06-2010, 11:18 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, soul mate, friend..but she said she no longer loves me

Sometimes we try in directions that are just not where they make the most difference. Rather like food groups, if you keep giving her steak(protein) but she is in dire need of asparagus (green veggie) the steak while great and needed is not going to help her be healthy when she is in serious need of vegetables.

Also, many people don't fall out of love quick, and don't get to feeling safe enough to fall back in love quick. It is easier to fall in love with someone new than with someone you once loved and then fell out of love with. Why? Because the someone new has not yet hurt you. The one you were in love with, and fell out, in one way or another, whether real or perceived, has hurt you. You built up walls to protect yourself from them.

Before you can get her to be in love with you again, you need to 1>find out what she was/is missing
2>figure out how to provide
3>show you can provide
4>show you can provide for a long time without removing it like you did the first time
5>continue providing
6>keep loving and hope it is enough
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Old 05-07-2010, 02:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, soul mate, friend..but she said she no longer loves me

Ok lets put this into perspecitive....

1) i ignored the finansis and did not help, but she did not say that she needed it! Not sugeting that its right that i did not get envolved but after 14yrs i hadent...why stay for that period of time , get married and have a son if you werent happy about the finansis? why not say " hay you we need to sort through this???"
2) I ignored her at night, still went to bed soemtimes cuddled / sex etc but on the main stayed down stairs trying to get another job! not messing around with anyone else on internet etc but trying to get another job.....for us the family
3) Due to my depression i stayed away from family functions - missed 3 partys....all the family have offered me there love and suppport during these difficult times.

SO.......I have never argued, never had the requierment to, had fantastic holidays, gave her a fanstastic car, we have spent lots of time together as a family...unfortunalty not so much as a couple! but i have loved her and she knows it..all this is bull!

Mid life crisis?? well i dont know...all i know is she will have to go and do what she has to do..and if that includes ripping the family apart, messing with my 6yr olds head..because she wants a better life...then well she will have to do that.

im not an arse, i care love and have tried to provide. yes we have gone down seperate roads but that does not mean that she has to continue down it nor I. there are alot of other relationships out there that are worse than ours..

I love her, want her back and miss her. xx love you lots babe really do.
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Old 05-07-2010, 08:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, soul mate, friend..but she said she no longer loves me

Is she being cold, distant and un loving hoping that ill give in?

Why? iv never hurt her allways loved her and given her her own space time??? why do women do this??? If a woman can offer her point of view i would appriciate it...
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, soul mate, friend..but she said she no longer loves me

She gave you the ILYBINILWY speech. That speech - in 90% of all cases - means that some other guy has caught her eye. Doesn't mean she is cheating, but she is at LEAST aware that other guys may like her, so you are no longer 'all she can get.'

If you want to save the marriage, the first thing you have to do is put a keylogger on her computer to see who she contacts and get hold of her phone/text records to see who she talks to.

You're wasting your time 'fixing' your marriage if she thinks she may find some 'better' guy. You have to stop the emotional drifting before you can fix the marriage. And you can't do that until you snoop to see who she's talking to.

Oh, and going out with 'friends' makes it more like 97% chance there is someone else.
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