Stifler

Hello all

I'm new to the site...I've been married for nearly two and half years. My wife and I, experience allot of fighting in our marriage about minor things. She tends to get her family involved which then turns out to be me against three, recently we got into a fight about my recent membership to a badminton club, when she found out about this she got out of the vehicle at a red light. We had plans that evening and it took us one hour and forty five minutes to reach our destination, when we fight my wife becomes violent, she punches, slaps and throws things. I've never reacted with violence.

The following day, she's on the phone with her whole family talking about my decision to join the badminton club, everyone on her side of the family is disagreeing with my involvement to this club. Her mother called me and said that she doesn't approve, then her sister calls my sister and now two families are involved let alone the friends. In the past my wife and her sister have gotten involved with my fights, they've even called my friends to say that they are the reason as to why I am choosing to do these activities. As a couple we seldom get invited as a couple when others are getting together, because of my wife's involvement to others. They do not agree with me golfing on Sundays, going out on a Friday night with your friends from High School, they feel it's time to settle down. They feel that friends are something of High School and once or twice a year a have beer or a coffee with them. Once every second week my friends get together for a beer, they feel it's way too often.

My wife has since moved out and now I'm evaluating the situation. My wife is not answering her phone, I'm confused because of how she reacts. When telling the story to family and friends they cannot believe that she would act like that over a recreational activity. I've asked to join our local Police force, join a rec hockey league and she reacts in the same manner, punching, throwing things etc...this is nothing new as we used to fight like this when we were dating. I've told myself the next time she punches me I'm leaving. She punched me two weeks ago about my decisions to join the badminton club and I'm contemplating separation or divorce. The only problem is she is 8 months pregnant. People are telling me she is reacting this way because of hormones, but she used to do this before she was pregnant. We have yet to try counseling and I'm refusing because the two families now pretty much hate each other, counseling may help us but the two families appear to be split apart. My mother in law has reacted like this with her husband and my sister in law has reacted like this to her husband, they feel that the men should be at home pretty much at all times. My mother in law, wife and sister in law do not involve them selves with others other than the three as of late. I've noticed my wife slowing kicking her friends out of her life and her sister has done pretty much the same.

Prior to this recent fight, they never call my family to see how they are doing, or make plans for coffee. They've done this with my father in laws side and my brother in laws. I feel as though they only care about their side of the family and not their spouses.

I'm contemplating on leaving my wife.

swedish

I don't blame you. I would give her an ultimatum on the violence...if it ever happens again you are done. Not that it's an issue now since she left, but you should not put up with her violent outbursts...she needs help in dealing with her anger and I would insist on it should you get back together...not good if she has this same temper with the new baby.

__________________
~Swedish

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein

lovelieswithin

Just as you dont know someone right away and it would take LOTS of time, her mom and sister dont know you nor your guys' relationship enough to be able to give advice or judgements (nor should they).
One angle to try is to tell wifey that your inlaws involvement in your affairs takes away from your closeness as a couple. How are you to work through things together when she recruits more people onto her "side". Find out if wifey does this because she doesnt feel strong enough to stand up for herself alone... perhaps she feels the need to surround herself with people she knows will take her side so she can "win" the argument. She is playing dirty either way you look at it and you have to question if she loves you enough to move forward while severing the outside involvement. I think its kind of childish to be honest and sounds like her issues run deep. Therapy is the best option for someone like her if shes violent because you will need a buffer to keep her calm enough to realize her own mistakes.
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Stifler

Problem is she has hit me several times now...it happens again. These fights happen every 6 weeks. Last fight it happened, last fight I said okay it's done. Problem this time is I don't want to look like the bad guy giving her separation papers this close to our due date.

scarletblue

You, your wive, and your soon expected child will be a family unto yourselves. If she comes back and you decide to work it out, you need to find a way of life that works for both of you. Obviously, she was raised to handle situations differently than you.

I have to say that getting her family so involved in your disagreements sounds like behavior right out of elementary school. I don't agree with involving family in arguments. Long after things are resolved between you two, the resentment can linger in the rest of the family and really damage your relationship with them.

To me, your wife sounds really controlling. She throws fits when she doesn't get her way, and sicks her family on you. I'm assuming that she doesn't play badminton. Is there a hobby you could do together that she would be OK with? Not that she should have a problem with you playing badminton, for goodness sakes.

It's up to you if you want to work this out. I'd say stand up for yourself if you choose to. Otherwise, you might as well attach the puppet strings to yourself now.

If you decide not to work it out.... she left you, so you won't look like a bad guy. Just be there for your child.

Stifler

She came home today while I was on my lunch, she kept saying "you don't even know what this is really about" 1 hour of fighting and she still couldn't tell me why we were fighting. I told her

I'm not a mind reader....more fighting continued...she has yet to say why she is so upset. She did say, the only reason her family gets invloved is becasue they love me???????????????