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Re: WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home.
my mother is no saint, but they equally have there issues. My wife worries about the little things in life way to much and her anger explodes over the smallest of things, which are so important to her.... They probably both need hospitilazation. ....
Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera
No, I didn't want one example.
I want to understand what could be so outrageous that it would cause your wife to turn into such a monster.
Because if your mother really is such a saint that all she did was complain about food, then your wife is sick and probably needs to be hospitalized.
Re: WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home.
Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera
You're kidding, right? You expect us to believe that your wife has declared war on your mom just because she used two words and an argument?
LOL I keep trying to tell you guys and him that his mother is the problem. To get any real information out of him about his mother's habits and disrespect is like pulling teeth. He just wants to vilify his wife. He refuses to understand his mother is not to challenge his wife in her own home, question her, call her names, express her superior opinion, or anything, but she keeps doing these things. So far his molars have cost him confessing his mother called his wife Hitler, told her her reasons are ridiculous concerning something that only involved her own children, and told her she was being unfair. Wonder what his canine teeth will cost him. We'll be lucky to find out. I don't believe he really knows much more than his wife's doing and comes in on things at the aftermath. His mother will never really let him see how awful and sneaky she is. She'll just keep making sure he thinks his wife is the monster. It's possible his wife is overbearing, overly sensitive, and probably overreacts, but there shouldn't be a woman in her home to have to react to. His mother is incredibly disrespectful and holier than thou. She thinks she has to protect her son from the big bad wifey. She thinks she has to come between them. He has to get it through his thick head his mother is his mother, and he was supposed to cut those apron strings a long time ago. He has to understand his mother is hardly the first monster-in-law that ever existed, so it certainly is not unfathomable.
skoloco, you are never supposed to side with your mother against your wife. Even if everything I say is inaccurate, you are not supposed to do that. Take a stand against your wife for your mother and you will be living with your mother. I hope she has room for you because the next wife will send her mama's boy back to her, too. Problems in your marriage are between you and your wife. How is it? How could it be? How did it happen that you endured your terrible wife all these years? And now, ALL OF SUDDEN, you are ready and fully armored to take her on??? Please tell us why this is happening. Because your wife finally got sick of your mother. This is all about your mother - you protecting her, you taking a stand against your wife for your mother's sake, your mother causing the rifts with your wife . . . Where does it end? And when will you get the clue?
Re: WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home.
I'm not so sure, S2010. The stuff about the silent treatment for 2 days, locking him out of the house, being controlling--it seems to go well beyond the issue with his mother, although that is the one that has pushed things beyond his tolerance.
If your wife is truly contolling and immature in handling conflict--exploding over little things that are only important to her, unable to trust you with the kids (you said she has almost complete control over them to the point you are edged out a lot), etc., you have a very different problem and you have created it, in part, by not taking a stand long before. This should be about your relationship with your wife and with your kids. She absolutely has no right to constantly mediate your relationship with them. You are doing your kids a disservice by letting her do that. Stand up for THEM if you can't stand up for yourself. And do not lie to your wife or accept any excuses about why your mom cannot visit. Tell your wife the visit will happen, that it will happen at such and such a time, that she will behave appropriately (or she can leave), and you will hence forth be making as many decisions for them as she is b/c you will make them together. If you think she is rigid and controlling with them, then you need to insist she back off. If she won't--you need to be ready to take a stand. I suspect that you have let her have her way frankly b/c it is easier for you--easier not to have that much responsibility for the kids (meals, etc.) and easier not to have to live with a potentially exploding wife who might then turn around and pull the silent treatment--which is always wrong and is very passive-aggressive behavior. Growing a pair now will be much more painful but you need to do it for yourself and your kids. Do not tolerate passive aggressive behavior, either. Insist she talk with you--respectfully--and that you work out conflict like adults.
I can't help but suspect you are living with someone with some type of mental health issue and you've been ignoring it b/c that's the path of least resistance, until now. A lot of the stuff you say about your wife is NOT normal adult behavior. Your mom may be the spark, but the root causes of the problem were there before, long before, and if you want to salvage your kids' happiness (they can't be that well off living with a controlling mom, frankly), and perhaps your own, you will have to take her very abnormal behavior seriously. Good luck. I suspect this won't be easy.
Re: WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home.
Sisters,
I think you are absolutely right on the money. This actually isn't complicated. Wife and husband agree to simple ground rules:
- Grandma only comes over when Mommy is not home
- Grandma does not discuss mommy with kids
- Grandma does not smoke in front of kids - not in the house and not where they can see her - this is a role model issue
- Grandma does not - add any other reasonable rule
It really is ok if the two of them cannot get along. It really is NOT ok for wife to try to freeze grandma out of their life. NOT ok. NOT ok.
By the way - even if S2010 is partly right and grandma is a difficult person - being difficult is not a valid basis for being denied interaction with your grandkids.
EVERYONE who has a spine is by definition "difficult" at times.
I love my wife. And I am not ashamed to say I fear my wife's wrath. With that said - if she ever "locked me out of the house" because she was annoyed I wasn't doing what she wanted, that would be a giant step towards separation/divorce. Same thing with the bedroom.
Frankly the wife sounds like a total nightmare but I don't blame her. The Man of the house is not being assertive and demanding that she behave. I put this at his door - not hers. He needs to stand up to her. I wonder if she can pay all the bills if she locks him out and he takes himself and his paycheck elsewhere.....
Quote:
Originally Posted by sisters359
I'm not so sure, S2010. The stuff about the silent treatment for 2 days, locking him out of the house, being controlling--it seems to go well beyond the issue with his mother, although that is the one that has pushed things beyond his tolerance.
If your wife is truly contolling and immature in handling conflict--exploding over little things that are only important to her, unable to trust you with the kids (you said she has almost complete control over them to the point you are edged out a lot), etc., you have a very different problem and you have created it, in part, by not taking a stand long before. This should be about your relationship with your wife and with your kids. She absolutely has no right to constantly mediate your relationship with them. You are doing your kids a disservice by letting her do that. Stand up for THEM if you can't stand up for yourself. And do not lie to your wife or accept any excuses about why your mom cannot visit. Tell your wife the visit will happen, that it will happen at such and such a time, that she will behave appropriately (or she can leave), and you will hence forth be making as many decisions for them as she is b/c you will make them together. If you think she is rigid and controlling with them, then you need to insist she back off. If she won't--you need to be ready to take a stand. I suspect that you have let her have her way frankly b/c it is easier for you--easier not to have that much responsibility for the kids (meals, etc.) and easier not to have to live with a potentially exploding wife who might then turn around and pull the silent treatment--which is always wrong and is very passive-aggressive behavior. Growing a pair now will be much more painful but you need to do it for yourself and your kids. Do not tolerate passive aggressive behavior, either. Insist she talk with you--respectfully--and that you work out conflict like adults.
I can't help but suspect you are living with someone with some type of mental health issue and you've been ignoring it b/c that's the path of least resistance, until now. A lot of the stuff you say about your wife is NOT normal adult behavior. Your mom may be the spark, but the root causes of the problem were there before, long before, and if you want to salvage your kids' happiness (they can't be that well off living with a controlling mom, frankly), and perhaps your own, you will have to take her very abnormal behavior seriously. Good luck. I suspect this won't be easy.
Re: WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home.
I am in TOTAL agreement with Sisters & Mem on this
I have to wonder what kind of relationship Susan has with her own Mother In Law to feel THIS strongly, I suspect it can't be good, maybe some deep identifying is going on here.
Sure makes this old saying so true >> "If you have a daughter, you have her for life, if you have a son, you only have him 'till he takes a wife. How true this is for some.
Years ago I stumpled upon a Forum specifically dedicated to bashing Mother in Laws. I thought I would do a search for this & found a couple more.
If you ever wanted to read some pure Hate, you'll find it here.
Re: WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home.
In the past 3 years, my wife has shut her own mother and brother out of her life, and does not speak with them. I see a pattern here, and it is frightening. If we dont work things out, i KNOW she will make sure my time with my kids will be limited...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Susan2010
LOL I keep trying to tell you guys and him that his mother is the problem. To get any real information out of him about his mother's habits and disrespect is like pulling teeth. He just wants to vilify his wife. He refuses to understand his mother is not to challenge his wife in her own home, question her, call her names, express her superior opinion, or anything, but she keeps doing these things. So far his molars have cost him confessing his mother called his wife Hitler, told her her reasons are ridiculous concerning something that only involved her own children, and told her she was being unfair. Wonder what his canine teeth will cost him. We'll be lucky to find out. I don't believe he really knows much more than his wife's doing and comes in on things at the aftermath. His mother will never really let him see how awful and sneaky she is. She'll just keep making sure he thinks his wife is the monster. It's possible his wife is overbearing, overly sensitive, and probably overreacts, but there shouldn't be a woman in her home to have to react to. His mother is incredibly disrespectful and holier than thou. She thinks she has to protect her son from the big bad wifey. She thinks she has to come between them. He has to get it through his thick head his mother is his mother, and he was supposed to cut those apron strings a long time ago. He has to understand his mother is hardly the first monster-in-law that ever existed, so it certainly is not unfathomable.
skoloco, you are never supposed to side with your mother against your wife. Even if everything I say is inaccurate, you are not supposed to do that. Take a stand against your wife for your mother and you will be living with your mother. I hope she has room for you because the next wife will send her mama's boy back to her, too. Problems in your marriage are between you and your wife. How is it? How could it be? How did it happen that you endured your terrible wife all these years? And now, ALL OF SUDDEN, you are ready and fully armored to take her on??? Please tell us why this is happening. Because your wife finally got sick of your mother. This is all about your mother - you protecting her, you taking a stand against your wife for your mother's sake, your mother causing the rifts with your wife . . . Where does it end? And when will you get the clue?
Re: WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home.
So i i should just let her take away everything that is important to me??? Maybe you should sign up for psychiatric services along with my wife....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Susan2010
LOL I keep trying to tell you guys and him that his mother is the problem. To get any real information out of him about his mother's habits and disrespect is like pulling teeth. He just wants to vilify his wife. He refuses to understand his mother is not to challenge his wife in her own home, question her, call her names, express her superior opinion, or anything, but she keeps doing these things. So far his molars have cost him confessing his mother called his wife Hitler, told her her reasons are ridiculous concerning something that only involved her own children, and told her she was being unfair. Wonder what his canine teeth will cost him. We'll be lucky to find out. I don't believe he really knows much more than his wife's doing and comes in on things at the aftermath. His mother will never really let him see how awful and sneaky she is. She'll just keep making sure he thinks his wife is the monster. It's possible his wife is overbearing, overly sensitive, and probably overreacts, but there shouldn't be a woman in her home to have to react to. His mother is incredibly disrespectful and holier than thou. She thinks she has to protect her son from the big bad wifey. She thinks she has to come between them. He has to get it through his thick head his mother is his mother, and he was supposed to cut those apron strings a long time ago. He has to understand his mother is hardly the first monster-in-law that ever existed, so it certainly is not unfathomable.
skoloco, you are never supposed to side with your mother against your wife. Even if everything I say is inaccurate, you are not supposed to do that. Take a stand against your wife for your mother and you will be living with your mother. I hope she has room for you because the next wife will send her mama's boy back to her, too. Problems in your marriage are between you and your wife. How is it? How could it be? How did it happen that you endured your terrible wife all these years? And now, ALL OF SUDDEN, you are ready and fully armored to take her on??? Please tell us why this is happening. Because your wife finally got sick of your mother. This is all about your mother - you protecting her, you taking a stand against your wife for your mother's sake, your mother causing the rifts with your wife . . . Where does it end? And when will you get the clue?
Re: WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home.
YES - SA - Totally agree.
Funny s2010 has gone on a tear about how skoloco is so reluctant to bash his mother - but he is quick to bash is wife. And she - 2010 - seems pretty angry about that.
It turns out he has been even MORE reluctant to bash his wife than his mother. After his last post we have a clear picture. His wife has conflict with someone/anyone and instead of resolving it like a grownup she tries to eliminate them from her life.
- MIL
- Her own mother
- Her brother
- Her husband - with the lockouts
This is a total my way or the highway style.
Skoloco - who is the primary breadwinner in your house? Can your wife pay all the bills without your paycheck? Because she cannot get full custody unless she shows you are a danger to the kids. And frankly you don't come across like a bad guy. More like a nice guy - with a not nice wife.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous
I am in TOTAL agreement with Sisters & Mem on this
I have to wonder what kind of relationship Susan has with her own Mother In Law to feel THIS strongly, I suspect it can't be good, maybe some deep identifying is going on here.
Sure makes this old saying so true >> "If you have a daughter, you have her for life, if you have a son, you only have him 'till he takes a wife. How true this is for some.
Years ago I stumpled upon a Forum specifically dedicated to bashing Mother in Laws. I thought I would do a search for this & found a couple more.
If you ever wanted to read some pure Hate, you'll find it here.
Re: WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home.
You don't KNOW that. From what you have said, I think she has so much control b/c you LET her. Don't take her word as law. Insist on time alone with the kids so she cannot constantly intervene. If you don't insist and hold your ground, she'll "win." But do not argue or make your kids feel caught in the middle--just state and do. Good luck.
Re: WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home.
THANK YOU...I agreee and have agreed to put down as many ground rules as needed for the visits, she just wont budge.
She has come up with a solution....Supervised visits once a month for 6 months in a neutral territory, and then, if after that my wife feels "comfortable" she will allow me to take the kids to see grams, but still only in neutral territory, not grams house, nor ours, she does not ever intend to let her in our house. This is what she said in our counseling session yesterday... I think this is obsurd and she calls this a "compromise"?????????????????????????????????????? ???????????????????????????????????????
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
Sisters,
I think you are absolutely right on the money. This actually isn't complicated. Wife and husband agree to simple ground rules:
- Grandma only comes over when Mommy is not home
- Grandma does not discuss mommy with kids
- Grandma does not smoke in front of kids - not in the house and not where they can see her - this is a role model issue
- Grandma does not - add any other reasonable rule
It really is ok if the two of them cannot get along. It really is NOT ok for wife to try to freeze grandma out of their life. NOT ok. NOT ok.
By the way - even if S2010 is partly right and grandma is a difficult person - being difficult is not a valid basis for being denied interaction with your grandkids.
EVERYONE who has a spine is by definition "difficult" at times.
I love my wife. And I am not ashamed to say I fear my wife's wrath. With that said - if she ever "locked me out of the house" because she was annoyed I wasn't doing what she wanted, that would be a giant step towards separation/divorce. Same thing with the bedroom.
Frankly the wife sounds like a total nightmare but I don't blame her. The Man of the house is not being assertive and demanding that she behave. I put this at his door - not hers. He needs to stand up to her. I wonder if she can pay all the bills if she locks him out and he takes himself and his paycheck elsewhere.....
Re: WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home. 
