My parents hates my boyfriend and it's hurting our relationship.
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Old 05-10-2010, 06:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My parents hates my boyfriend and it's hurting our relationship.

We've been dating for the past 3 years and 2 months. My boyfriend has been around the house doing chores, running errands, he's just always been around. We're both in our mid 20's.

About a four months into our relationship, we found out I was pregnant. 8 weeks and 6 days after, due to stress I've had a miscarriage. My boyfriend asked me to marry him and since then everything change. He was always there for me. He did all my work around the house and helped out at my work too. My parents didn't have a problem with him until one day my boyfriend was fed up with having to do all the work around the house while my brother nor sister do anything he frowned a little bit while he was helping out. My mother then thought to herself my boyfriend has a real problem, for showing a slight bit of anger on his face for doing the chore, she began to dislike him.

Last summer, I went to away for about two months to visit relatives. Some retard came to my website and left a comment on my visitor log calling me his "baby". I wasn't aware of this until he mentioned it to me. Then he started accusing me of cheating on him. Then things got worse at home. He got angry and raised his voice a bit and drove off. My mother thinks he has anger issues and that he's violent. She swears he'd hit me in the future. Never in his life has he laid a finger on anyone. Everybody knows that but my mother. Then my brother came into the picture and started talking ****.

For about a year we were seeing each other without others knowing. I highly doubt that my family wasn't aware of that. But my boyfriend thinks this whole family issue is stressing me out and that it's hurting me. He doesn't ever think he'll get their approval. He wants to break the engagement off and I haven't spoken to him for a couple days. What can I do? I'm hurting and I know for a fact that he's hurting. He doesn't want to be the one to break the family tie. I honestly don't think it's that simple to get them to like him but I believe that they won't live my life for me. I am the one living my life. He wants to let me go because he thinks I'm hurting and he's holding me back.

What can I do?
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Old 05-11-2010, 02:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My parents hates my boyfriend and it's hurting our relationship.

Well, you are not going to listen to me, then a few years from now (or less) you will say to yourself "I should have listened." Live with that kind of regret, or take the advice of those from whom you asked. Otherwise, why on earth did you ask? Yes, I know you want absolution and someone to tell you how to hold on to your boyfriend. But, when someone tells you the fire is hot, do you really put your hands in anyway???

You are a young woman, and I don't say that to reduce or belittle you at all. I say it because I am twice your age (or more) and have been where you are. Just try to consider having a little sister around 12 or 14 years old or perhaps a child you babysit. What if she came to you with a problem that is very common to youngsters her age. Wouldn't you want her to trust that you remember being her age and having the same problems and same emotions and same experiences? Wouldn't you want her to trust your advice? Wouldn't you also want her to trust that you can predict the outcome? It's not by premonition, of course, but because you experienced the same things. So now, imagine one day having a daughter your age to whom you still have reason to give advice and still have reason to guide. Wouldn't you want the best for her? Wouldn't you want to steer her from problems and harm's way? Wouldn't you want her to trust you? My dear, there is nothing your mother wants more.

You have it in your mind that your mother does not want you to be happy. For her to say those things about your boyfriend, whom you love, she is interfering with your life. She wants you to break up with him because she hates you and doesn't want you to be happy. Oh what? You don't think she hates you? Then why doesn't she want you to be happy? Oh I see. Because she dislikes your boyfriend. Oh. Okay.

You have it in your mind that your mother doesn't know what she's talking about. For her to say those things about your boyfriend, whom you love, she is interfering with your life. She doesn't know him, does she? She doesn't know how sweet and kind and loving he is to you, right? She cannot possibly know what she's talking about because he's the best guy on earth.

You will one day turn into your mother. I like to call this the vicious cycle of life because there is just no breaking it. There is no way to get through to the next generation to impart and impress that we've been there. No matter how many times we say it, the younger generation believes their generation, their problems, their loves, their relationships, their feelings, their experiences, etc., etc. are all so uniquely different. But they are not. Not one of them. Not one.

My mom said similar things about my boyfriends, too. It was so funny to me when just a few years later, I could reflect back and see so very clearly just how right my mother was. And she was ALWAYS right, no matter how hard I fought against her, was angry and disgusted about what she said, vehemently disagreed with what she said, and was so certain in my own mind that she hated me and didn't want me to be happy.

My mother was soooo good to pinpoint accuracy, that I was able to reflect back and laugh at the time she told me "Oh honey, that man is a pleasure to look at from head to toe." I still laugh at that one she said about some guy I thought was the love of my life at the time. I don't laugh though at the time she told me "You need to stay away from that guy" about yet another love of my life.

Read some of these forums and see how many times you ask yourself, "Then why did you marry him???" I want to ask it with almost every thread I read LOL. Are they going to be you one day? We all make mistakes in life, but the bad part is how many of those mistakes could have been avoided. How many people refused to listen to their family, refused to listen to their mother, and even refused to listen to their own instincts. What is unique about you and your situation is you have the gift of forewarning and the favor of your mother's keen senses. She sees/notices something you are too blinded by love to notice. She recognizes what you keep defending and calling "slight" anger so many times was actually abnormal given the circumstances. Your mother has good reason to say what she did. You have good reason to trust her, and I hope you will because she doesn't hate you. She is looking out for you.

Thank goodness for reflection because it lets us see our mistakes in clear view albeit hindsight, plus it taught me to trust my mother. I learned to trust her so well that I was in my late 20s and my 30s still taking first dates home to "meet my mother." They knew where my mother lived before they know where I lived. My two older sisters did the same, but mom had not requested that of us since we were teenagers. I could see my sisters had done some reflecting of their own LOL.

So, I regretted the times I shouted back at her, "Let me make my own mistakes!" and was glad she didn't. I lamented the times she didn't press hard enough to make me hear her and didn't knock knock on my noggin, open the hatch, and drop in the clue.

Learn from the experiences and wisdom of others, and trust your mom. When you begin to trust her, you will grow to love her almost as much as she loves you. And, you'll look to her for guidance and wisdom and surprise yourself at how many times a day, how many times a week you call on her. And you'll appreciate she's just looking out for you all those times, too.
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Old 05-11-2010, 07:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My parents hates my boyfriend and it's hurting our relationship.

Sorry Susan2010, I can't agree with you. MKRC37, listen and trust YOUR heart. You may or may not "become your mother", but you will have every opportunity to become yourself.

If the boyfriend doesn't want to be involved with you due to the family issues, then you do need to respect that and let him go. You can't force your mother to do anything she doesn't wish to do in regard to accepting him and you can't force him to stay with you if he is not completely comfortable. But you can look at how to live your life in a way that your mother will no longer have such a strong influence.
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Old 05-11-2010, 08:46 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My parents hates my boyfriend and it's hurting our relationship.

No ma'm, you don't have to agree with me, but it is certainly more logical that she receive advice to heed her mother's warnings than it is to tell her to ignore her mother and live her own life. If only the millions of abused women had listened or will start listening.....well, I'm sure you can imagine that outcome being a much more favorable one.....if only they had listened.....if only they had followed their instincts.....if only they had followed their first mind.....and so on because the regrets and if onlys never cease. You didn't even address the issue of what her mother said or why she said it. You jumped to disagree with me instead of examining the circumstances. It is imprudent, reckless, and unwise to advise a person to take the imprudent, reckless, and unwise routes through life.

Her mother was right. The guy has anger issues. I surely don't see anything in the story that should warrant him getting angry. You don't know what her mother sees in this guy. He spends time at her house with her family. We received the story of an incident or two, about which her mother's opinion and instincts are correct. But, her mother sees the story unfold every day. You have no idea how many "slight" displays of anger her mother has witnessed. You have no idea how many times he "raised his voice a bit." The likelihood is, her mother noticed more than she noticed, which explains why she has only these two incidents to tell about. Normally people express their anger, whether it be a look, a sigh, rolling their eyes, or what have you. Her mother has seen them and has every reason to be cautious and concerned for her daughter's sake. But if there are no more displays or incidents to consider, she was right about just those two.

It makes much more sense her mother did not just up and decide to dislike him and accuse him falsely. On the surface, he seems like a great guy based on what mkrc37 described to us. And.....he seems like a great guy with anger issues based on what mkrc37 described to us. What normally happens with a guy like this? He begins to not be so great anymore but the anger issues persist. This never, ever happens until he has her in a position to abuse. Who was ever beaten, cursed out, put down, belittled, etc. in their parent's home? It begins after he gets her away from her safety net. But right there in her parent's home during their courtship is when the "slight" displays begin, often times too subtle to recognize because she finds ways to justify his reason. mkrc37 is walking the path. She just doesn't know it but her mother does, while you tell her to ignore her mother.

Women never recognize the warning signs or they ignored them. If anyone pointed them out, they defended him fiercely against their family, only to end up physically or emotionally abused. Her mother is teaching her to recognize the warning signs. She cannot fathom it now, but it is illogical to remain in this relationship determined to be headstrong just to end up proving her mother right. If it makes more sense to her to heed your advice and ignore her mother, who loves her daughter and is only looking out for her best interest, then to very likely end up an abused woman is the route she has to take. If, however, it makes more sense to her to learn from the mistakes of others so she doesn't have to make them all herself, then that is the logical choice to make. Again, it is imprudent, reckless, and unwise to advise a person to take the imprudent, reckless, and unwise routes through life. You have no reason whatsoever to tell this young woman to ignore her mother. What you are saying in essence is "go ahead and see how this turns out. You don't know the red flags, but by all means ignore your mother trying to tell you." You didn't examine anything but decided she should ignore her mother and find out for herself. That makes no sense whatsoever. When the sh*t hits the fan, HappyHer won't be there to pick up the pieces, but her mother surely will.
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Old 05-11-2010, 09:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My parents hates my boyfriend and it's hurting our relationship.

Wow. It sounds as if you might have a lot of triggers going on. I read the post thoroughly and see no warrant for concern.

1. I would be angry too if I was doing all the work, expected to do more without help from other people in the household. Having an angry face is not abusive, it's a reflection of his feelings.

2. He "raised his voice" a bit and drove off after seeing another man uttering terms of endearment towards his girlfriend. If after three years in a relationship, and if "raising his voice a bit" and driving off is the most extreme thing he has done, then I believe he's doing very well. Most people yell at one point or another and most people are prudent to drive off instead of staying, yelling, and adding more fuel to the fire.

He seems like a very respectful young man to be backing off of the relationship due to the mother having issues with him. It sounds as if he has been very supportive and helpful. He has not tried to isolate his girlfriend from her family on any level, which is also indicative that he is not an abuser. He has not been clinging to the relationship in hopes of luring her away, he is willing to walk away from the relationship to save his girlfriend from stress and hurting, that shows a caring man, not an abuser.

There is absolutely no abusive profiling I see here. I have no idea what you see.

This is a young woman in her early twenties. Not a child. I would feel like a failure as a parent if my children weren't trusted to make their own - INTELLIGENT decisions by the time they were that age, and for the record, I do have children close to that age who are doing very well in life. With that in mind, I feel I have some experience to pass along with this topic.

For the record, I did not tell her to ignore her mother, I told her to follow her heart. Knowing that some mother's give their kids some really awful advice, and not knowing who this mother is and what issues of her own she might be harboring, it would be ignorant of me to just assume that "mommy knows best" for a woman in her mid-twenties. Mommy may not know what's best at all whether her intentions are pure and loving or not.

As it stands, this young man is not going to make a commitment with her unless the issues with her mother are worked out. If the opportunity is there to work them out and save a three year relationship, that obviously has love involved, then it's worth the attempt if mrkc37 feels deeply in her heart that it's worth her time and desire to put such effort forth.
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Old 05-11-2010, 10:32 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My parents hates my boyfriend and it's hurting our relationship.

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Originally Posted by HappyHer View Post
1. I would be angry too if I was doing all the work, expected to do more without help from other people in the household. Having an angry face is not abusive, it's a reflection of his feelings.
That is not what she stated, so no point in me reading any farther. Geeze, are you as bad as him imagining something that doesn't exist? Where did she say he was "expected" to do anything at all? But even just that he was cleaning up, he had nothing to get angry about. Had she gotten angry I could see, but not him. It's not his house, were not his chores, they're not his family members, and nothing to get mad about. Nothing was expected of him, but he has nerve to have any expectations at all of these people who live in their own home, do what they want when they want. He is not God or their parents and isn't even their brother. He called himself helping his girlfriend. Either he was going to help or he wasn't going to help. It was not up to him to sit in the judgment seat concerning anyone else. He turned a non-issue into a hostile atmosphere. None of it was to up to him to do. You don't "help" by creating chaos and ill feelings in someone else' home. "Having an angry face is not abusive, it's a reflection of his feelings." That is her mother's whole point and mine. He wasn't supposed to form any particular feelings at all. It was not his cause and not up to him. Again, either he was going to help or he wasn't going to help. He created something to get mad about where nothing existed. The same with her second story, but I don't know how much you added to that one because I didn't read it.
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Old 05-11-2010, 11:10 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My parents hates my boyfriend and it's hurting our relationship.

I have to chime in--whether "expected" of me or not, I might just get a little angry if I was helping out with chores while 2 other children didn't do anything at all. I don't see where you can fault the guy for that.

however, I strongly suspect we're not getting the whole story here--this posted did nothing but make excuses for her boyfriend while completely writing off her mother. Maybe it's the mom, maybe it's the boyfriend, but ultimately, until she sits down and talks this out with both parties, there will remain problems.

But it sounds to me like the boyfriend has probably done other things, or these incidents are being downplayed. mkrc37, why don't your brothers like him? Be honest with yourself, if not with us. Mothers ARE often right when we don't see it. She may have a point.

I'm confused though--do you live with your parents?

Accusing you of cheating when someone posts a comment on your blog sounds mighty suspicious to me, personally--jealousy is never an acceptable thing, fo one reason or another.
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Old 05-11-2010, 12:21 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My parents hates my boyfriend and it's hurting our relationship.

Point well put definitelynotme!

What about the brothers not liking him? MRKC37 said they were talking ****. What exactly was that *** and why don't they like him? I could see some relevancy in that, but would need more details.

MRKC37 was gone for several months and ended up with "questionable" comments on her blog. Whether innocent or not, I could see how that might lead to being questioned about it. He was feeling insecure and upset, both very normal responses under those conditions. As that was a year ago and the couple seemed to have worked it out, unless there are still lingering issues about it that weren't mentioned, I'm not sure if that's a big red flag or not.

Now this young man wants to leave the relationship because he DOESN'T want to cause problems. That shows some sort of consideration on his behalf, for both the mother and the daughter.

I would like to hear more from MRKC37 about this.
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